laurenxashley91 - Tumblr blog

[laurenxashley91]

Christmas lights are so much prettier when you have a double astigmatism.

[laurenxashley91]

not to brag, but I don’t talk to half my “family” anymore

[laurenxashley91]

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a

blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh

no, not U2 again.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s

walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players

are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t

lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar?

There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the

Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up

their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried

grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

[laurenxashley91]

if there's watermelon shouldn’t there be earthmelon, firemelon, and airmelon? you know, the elemelons.

[laurenxashley91]

she’s a ten but she uses small spoons because big spoons give her bad vibes

[laurenxashley91]

whoever created spinach and artichoke dip was pretty bold to name it that considering 95% of it is made up of cheese.

[laurenxashley91]

it really bothers me when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the script.

[laurenxashley91]

I’m not a casual coffee drinker. I drink coffee to get messed up. I’ll go back to back double espresso and just see where the day takes me. Will I be energetic and fun, or will I be shaky and die? Who knows, the world is a mystery. Bottoms up! ☕️

[laurenxashley91]

For extra cash, consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is public record, easy to find and they’re not allowed to own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

[laurenxashley91]

People who don’t eat pickles are so important because they give me their pickles.

[laurenxashley91]

I bet Eve wasn’t even going to eat that apple but then Adam probably said something stupid like “calm down”.

[laurenxashley91]

when people give me driving directions and say things like “you can’t miss it”… listen here buddy, you have no idea what I’m capable of.

[laurenxashley91]

my toxic line is, “I wish you the best” knowing damn well I hope you go to hell.

[laurenxashley91]

I’m either gonna to be quiet or I’m gonna take it too far… there ain’t no in between.

[laurenxashley91]

I’m on whatever you on... so be careful choosing how we fixin to act

[laurenxashley91]

Me: sorry if I’m bothering you.

Lifeguard pulling me to shore: what?

[laurenxashley91]

mirrors don’t break, they only multiply.