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[lauxraba]

[ SEMPRE ] Negative thoughts started conquering her once positive mind.

In the beginning, she tried fighting them off, trying to always find something positive in whatever her brain was questioning. And it worked, for a while. But it soon became too exhausting to do so.

She would get home exhausted and head towards her bedroom to rest, to hide from the world underneath the blankets. Skipping meals because her body only had enough energy and will to get her to the warmth of her bed.

Her body acted on autopilot, only doing the minimum to survive.

He had noticed a small change at first but brushed it off as stress. Until she started to shut the world out. Until her personality started to completely change. Until he noticed her skipping meals too frequently.

She no longer was the bubbly and happy girl she once was. She stayed quiet more often, her talking essence lost deep within her brain, repressed.

He missed her old self. He didn’t know what to do to make things better, he didn’t know how to make her slowly come back.

He felt like he was losing her the longer she stayed hidden in her shell.

He started racking his brain, trying to find solutions somewhere in his mind, searching for answers to the situation.

His first step on his plan to help her was with small and discreet actions; hugging her as soon as her eyes opened, giving her forehead kisses before and after every meal, bringing home small plushies he knew she had wanted for a long time, like an Eevee plushie or the bipolar octopus plushie. Gifts and actions that did manage to bring out a very small smile on her face.

Still, it didn’t completely help. She was still keeping to herself, still fighting the battles alone. She didn’t want to burden other people, she wanted to appear strong, like nothing was going on. But the emotional exhaustion was slowly starting to show.

He went along with another strategy; he began to subtly check in on her during the day, sending her text messages concerned about her well-being, “did you have a bite today?”. When he had to stay back at the company or dorms, he would text her, “did you manage to rest today?”. She never told him, but she was extremely grateful for his efforts and concern to make everything a little bit better.

One late night she received another message from him, who was working until the early hours of the morning. “I love you no matter what your brain tells you,” it read. She broke down as soon as her eyes reached the last word, and her brain fully processed the caring and full of love message from her significant other.

He found her bawling her eyes out as he opened the door to their shared room. The message had been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

The emptiness and numbness she felt deep within her being were starting to be too much. The fake happy façade getting too much to keep up with, cracks were starting to appear on the mask she wore every day. The demons in her mind poisoning her with so much negativity and toxicity her eyes started to be void of light. She was alive, but she felt like a walking corpse that felt no emotion.

He said nothing, and crawled into bed next to her, immediately cuddling her.

“Just close your eyes, baby. I will still be here when you open them again. Always. I’m not leaving,” he whispered into the night, causing her sobs to get slightly louder, her hands searching for his, clutching them close to her heart.

She didn’t quite believe it yet, but everything was going to get better. It always did.

[lauxraba]

[ TRASTOCADA ] She felt like she was drowning.

She couldn’t see, her eyes unfocused, everything was blurred in her vision. She couldn’t hear, her breathing being the loudest noise in the living room she could apprehend. She felt like her lungs were collapsing, no matter how many times she tried to breathe, it seemed like the air wasn’t filling her respiratory organs.

The fight had escalated too quickly, her anxiousness getting out of control as the red-haired girl’s voice in front of her got louder and louder. The sudden pain in her face had been the trigger of her current state, her on the floor, desperately grasping her throat, clawing the skin of her neck, leaving red scratches on the surface.

The other girl was watching down on her, her face void of any emotion, deep in her eyes joy could be seen. She felt delighted, she had finally achieved her goal of breaking the dark-haired girl, who was shaking with anxiety before her.

She approached her slowly and quietly, a wicked smile on her face as the other girl’s watery eyes held eye contact with hers. She crouched down, harshly grabbing the weakened girl’s jaw, forcing her to keep the eye-contact unwillingly.

“I told you I would break you, that I would destroy you, didn’t I? You can’t run away from me, baby, you won’t run away from me."

The held girl, upon hearing her words, tried to free herself from the harsh grip that was starting to mark her skin.

The towering girl held the flying wrists trying to hit her, automatically, she moves her hand from her jaw and places it on the fighting girl’s neck before she starts applying pressure.

"You are going to stay with me until I get bored of you.”

That was the last thing the trembling girl heard before losing consciousness in the arms of the girl she once loved.

Even with the unconscious body in her embrace, the crazy and triumphant look in her eyes, and the wicked smile never left psychopathic girl's face.

[lauxraba]

[ HOURGLASS PENDANT ] She remembered the day she met him. Well, she wanted to believe she did. Every single memory she had before entering the dull mansion was blurry, uncertain. The voices of the ones she loved were distorted, the tone and color long forgotten. The faces she loved seeing everyday seemed to be out of focus, as if her eye’s attention were somewhere else.

She could only remember laying her eyes on the man, smirk on his face as he looked at the person sitting across him. She couldn’t remember where she had seen him, she couldn’t remember the four walls surrounding them, even if there were four walls at all.

It seemed like her head, her memories, her everything was filled with him and moments she had spent next to him at the mansion. It seemed like there was nothing before she met him. Just emptiness.

Except that one memory. That one memory clear as day before darkness started clouding the aura around her; the day he gifted her a necklace.

As she remembered said memory, the hourglass pendant hanging around her neck felt like it was burning her skin, felt like it was heavier.

As if it knew where her mind went, as if he knew.

She thought of it as a nice gift that symbolised the beginning of their relationship, that it was as innocent as it looked.

But, what she didn’t know, was that inside said pendant were the ashes of the ones she once loved.

[lauxraba]

[ NAPPUCCINO ] Nappuccino, the sweet, cozy café that brought her painful memories the second she passed by. Memories that were unwanted, memories that brought her the agony and sorrow she so desperately wanted to forget but couldn’t seem to erase from her mind.

She stared at the entrance for a while with her head slightly titled to the side. For some reason, she was yearning to enter again, to feel the comfort the café once brought her. Deciding to go against the voice in her head telling her no, she entered the café with a shaky sigh. The sweet aroma of freshly baked goods filled her nostrils, her mouthwatering at the memory of how great the café’s food tasted, her body craving to have a bite.

She hesitantly continued to enter the coffee shop, quickly noticing the napping pods where they spent so much time together, venting to each other. The tiny place where they confided in each other, where they trusted one another. Remembering brought tears to her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away. She didn’t want to waste another single tear on him. She was better than that. However, she couldn’t help it. Because of what happened, she hadn’t dared to step foot into the café since that freezing winter day.

But who was he? The man she met by pure coincidence, because the barista had accidentally mixed their orders, like in your typical romance novel. They found the mishap funny and proceeded to strike up a conversation while they went to find a place to sit together. That was their first meeting.

The second time they met they were still strangers that coincidentally knew vaguely about each other’s lives. They had enough trust in one another to find a napping bed for them to share. And they lay there, talking and laughing until closing time, promising to find each other next week the same day at the same time. She stopped considering him a stranger after they met up for the fifth time.

Months went by as they continued to meet. Their stranger status started to shift to close acquaintances as their trust in each other began growing stronger.

They had shared so much of their lives; they had spent so much time together in so little time that she felt like they knew one another. They unconsciously became each other’s platonic escape, their temporary freedom from life. But she was so wrong. She didn’t know him at all, because she never saw coming the day he would break her heart in the cruellest way.

Soon after, they felt so comfortable together that, when the weather started to turn colder, they unintentionally started cuddling together as they slept on the makeshift beds of the café. At first, the action wasn’t supposed to be something intimate between the both of them, until it was for her. She started to look forward to these little encounters. She started to love falling asleep to his deep and melodic voice talking about his day, his laughter as he tried explaining anecdotes that he found funny about his close friends.

She hadn’t realised what she felt was love until one autumn afternoon. She felt like she was walking on clouds every time she thought of him, and that feeling intensified when she was next to him.

But her cloudy bubble soon burst. Not everything was perfect. She noticed something about their peculiar relationship she highly disliked; it was the fact that as soon as they walked out, they turned into strangers, and it teared her apart. She wanted more. She wanted a normal relationship, a friendship, at least. She wanted to see him outside the café, she craved to share memories with him out of doors, to spend time with him without feeling like they were hiding a forbidden bond. She knew she didn’t want that, so she decided take matters into her own hands.

She had confessed on the coldest winter afternoon. Their hot chocolates were placed above their heads half emptied. It was providing them a small wave of heat during their cuddling session, until it didn’t. As they started to feel colder, they nestled into each other even closer, laying facing each other on the makeshift beds of the café. Her head and right hand ended up resting comfortably yet dubiously on his chest, his steady heartbeat being her lullaby. Upon noticing his nonchalance to the touch, she let herself relax and closed her eyes in content.

His lack of response gave her the tiny confidence boost she needed to share her feelings with the boy, but she still didn’t feel quite ready, it wasn’t the right time to do so. Instead, she focused on his body warmth. On how it made her feel safe, protected, like nothing could go wrong, and, even if it did, if he was next to her, it felt like everything would be okay.

Minutes went by and her eyelids started to feel heavy with sleep. She snuggled closer to his neck as her body instinctively sought for more warmth. She seemed to act unconsciously, any reasoning and common sense out the window. She let out his name in a soft whisper hidden in a sigh. He hummed in response; his left hand that was resting near her waist moved to softly caress her head in affection while waiting for what she had to say. She sleepily muffled an ‘I love you, so much’ before graciously falling into the land of the dreams with a small smile on her features.

The man's hand froze midair in shock, words having trouble coming out of his throat as he hastily lowered his stare on her slumbering self. His eyes desperately looked for any type of signs of deception but finding none.

He laid there feeling trapped and dejected, her words replaying and resonating in his brain. He desperately wanted to reciprocate her feelings, but his reality outside the coffee shop slapped sense into him and reminded him he wasn’t allowed. He would soon leave town and never see her again. All he could do was force a smile to hide his hurting, to only softly whisper a pained ‘I’m so sorry’ into her ear.

As she was sleeping soundly, he couldn’t help but admire her beautiful face, her soft skin, the striking shape of her eyes, the form and outline of her lips. His gaze lingered on them, his fingers slowly moving closer to her lips, hesitantly hovering over them. He shortly debated whether or not to touch them. He chose the latter and, with a heavy sigh filled with pain, he let her down gently on the matt and got up. He looked at her one last time before he picked up his belongings and walked out, leaving her alone to continue sleeping.

He hadn’t been ill-intentioned. He had just wanted to spare her heartbreak, but he did the exact opposite unintentionally. But he would never know.

She woke up hours later to emptiness beside her. Once she processed what had happened, tears started to fall down her face in an uncontrollable manner, sobs wrecked her body as she tried to stay quiet, pain and heartbreak bloomed rapidly on her chest. He had left her; she wasn’t sure she was going to see him again. After all, he had walked out on her.

But despite the heartbreak she felt, she had hoped to see him again, the spark of hopefulness was there. So much, that she went back the week after, the same day at the same time. She wanted an explanation, she needed to know why he had left her all alone after opening her heart to him, why he had left without giving her an answer. She felt broken. Yet she blamed herself for the pain she was feeling. She had allowed herself to fall in love with a version of the freckled boy, a version she only saw temporarily, but this version was the only version he had let her see, the only one she got to experience. It was a part of himself he only let free when he was next to her at the café.

With heavy breathing, she walked out of the café in a hurry, the memories becoming too much. She missed spending time at Nappuccino deeply, but she had to get over her feelings before ever visiting again the coffee shop she was so fond of.

[lauxraba]

[ HO TROBO A FALTAR ] I miss those times we spent together at our apartment. Art hung in the walls of your studio, reflecting within the color the feeling you felt when painting them. It was never the same artwork.

I miss how you would come to get me in the room, the wide smile in your face held the same emotion your eyes did. They were full of life, never once had they felt dead in those shared years. You would softly but firmly grab my hand, pulling me out the door to your art studio. To others, it was messy, but to my eyes, it was organised. Everything was placed accordingly. In a way it showed your personality, you were careless. The vivid and warm colours expressed your warm persona.

I miss how we would try different outfits, walking through the corridor like it was our own personal runway.

I miss how you made me feel.

[lauxraba]

[ BLADE ] Anxiety took over her body.

She barged in into the bathroom at full speed. The tears in her eyes preventing her from seeing clearly. The room was blurry. Not one single objet was clear in her vision, only seeing weird shapes, seeing the colours merge at some point.

She stumbled towards the counter, opening the drawers, arms feeling around searching for the wanted object.

She couldn't find it.

Her anxiety was getting worse. She needed to feel something, to ground her on earth, to avoid dissociation. She needed to feel pain to remember she was human.

But, where the fuck did she place her blade? The desperation she felt was starting to wear off, numbness winning over.

She fell to the floor, tears rolling down her face non-stop. She no longer felt sadness. She no longer felt anxiety. Her body was on autopilot. She didn't want to cry, she didn't feel like crying, but there she was.

Her gaze fell down to her lap. Looking at her hands, she got an idea.

She didn't know where the small weapon was, but she couldn't take it anymore.

Her long nails would have to do.

[lauxraba]

[ AND SO SHE DID ] She watched him perform from the audience while she gave thought to the last nine months of their relationship.

She used to be happy, but ever since his debut she couldn’t help but feel left out, as if he no longer had time for her. they no longer went to sleep together. They no longer ate together. They barely spoke. And, when they did, she felt as if he wasn’t minding, as if he was focusing on something or someone other than her.

She felt alone. At times, she wanted to curse at him for neglecting her, for ignoring her. But she always told herself that it was because of his devotion to his group members and fans.

But she had had enough. She no longer wanted to reminisce those moments they spent together, when they were truly happy and actually expressed affection for each other. She wanted to forget. And so, as he was talking to his fans with a wide smile on his face, she turned around and walked out of the venue where the concert was held.

As she was walking home, she started playing with the promise ring he had given her before everything started to fall apart. The beautiful ring brought tears to her eyes and she forced herself to stop looking at it.

She raised her head once she realised that she was already home. she unlocked the door and went straight to their room. She took out her suitcase and three other bags and started packing everything she had bought with her money and left what he gifted her untouched, the promise ring included.

Once finished packing, she sat down on the bed and started scrolling through their pictures together, erasing them from her phone. She went through their text messages and completely deleted them, she went to her social media and blocked him. And lastly, she blocked his phone number and deleted his contact.

Now there were two things left to do, to walk out of the house and to never look back.

And so she did.

[lauxraba]

[ ADRENALINE RUSH ] She felt the cold, sliver chain digging into the skin of her neck, blocking her airway. Black spots appearing in her vision, her lungs screaming for oxygen, her legs numb because of the weight on top of them.

It had been so sudden, so unexpected. She had been watching her boyfriend perform from the darkness and safeness of backstage, feeling extremely proud for everyone performing on stage.

She could feel the excitement, the adrenaline rushing through the kids’ veins. It was the final performance, and they were giving it all.

She knew how dangerous an adrenaline rush could be, when someone’s high on the hormone they can feel invincible, even paranoid. Yet, she underestimated her own boyfriend while high on adrenaline.

She couldn’t remember how she got to the green room, if she had talked with the other members, if she had congratulated them. Her mind was blank. She could only remember the way he took off the silver chain around his body and wrapped it around her neck. She could only remember the way they fell to the floor in a struggle.

He was on top of her, eyes dark and empty, pupils dilated, staring coldly into her eyes. The caring man she knew he was wasn’t the person in front of her. The stage had changed him, so much.

She tried to speak, but the grip on the chain tightened around his wrists as he pulled harder, the girl beneath him desperately trying to separate the silver chain from her neck as her skin started to feel like it was burning.

She was choking to death and she couldn’t do anything about it. His strength overpowered hers, it always had. She was scared, and he knew it.

He could see the light starting to fade out, her arms were slowly losing strength, not being able to fight against him. This only heightened the adrenaline level in his veins.

He had always dreamt of being the reason her soul left her body. Because he loved her, he wanted to be the one to do it, in lieu of a stranger, and the adrenaline just gave him the impulse he needed.

As she became lifeless in his arms, he hugged her one last time, thinking he was protecting her.