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Because This Is My First Life

“I'm Ji Ho's mom. I don't know how to call you yet since we haven't met many times. I'm sorry for how I behaved at the first family meeting.

She's my first daughter, you know. She's like my husband sometimes, and she's also like my friend. She's scared of her dad, and she had to give up a lot because of her younger brother.

Having been born to a foolish mother, she has to suffer many heartaches. Thankfully, not like me, she's really smart. At least she won’t live like her mom. But in this day and age, it’s so important to be born to good parents. Otherwise, it’s all useless, no matter how smart you are.

Se Hee, can you please do me just two favors? If Ji Ho says she wants to write again, can you let her do that? I will come and do the house chores if that helps. So, if she ever wants to write again in the future, please don't let her give up on her dream. I don't want her to live like me. Please do that for her.

And it's hard for Ji Ho to stop crying when she starts. So, please don't let her cry alone. Even if you are the reason for her tears, please stay by her side.”

Let me lend your warm shoulder for a moment

Please be my shelter for my exhausted soul 🎵

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I went through a lot this month.

There were just lots of things happened and I think it’s one of my lowest point in life.

Have you ever cried until you are too tired to cry? That’s what I felt the whole February. It’s really, really hard for me to take a breath. A good deep one.

I made mistakes. A lot. In both my personal and professional life. Sometimes, I’m just too ashamed of myself – why am I so reckless in everything that I do?

I need to fix myself in so many things, I’m really aware of that. But my friend told me something I wish I could say it too by myself : “Gue rasa lo kurang apresiasi diri lo sendiri deh. Kayaknya lo harus belajar buat itu”. I knew it, I knew it too but I don’t know why it’s really hard for me to admit it.

I don’t know why it’s really hard for me to say it to myself : I, myself, have been trying so hard to live this life. To give the best for everything that I could. To commute every single day, standing still for 3 hours when my heart aches and my whole body shakes. To prepare the presentation in just one day and wake up at 4-fucking-AM. To juggle between 15 to-do-lists in a week. To continue working after crying back-to-back at the toilet. To ensure my Mom that everything’s OK when it’s really not. To love someone so much you wish he’d just be fine and happy and surround with so many good things wherever he is right now.

Little did you knew, I cried a lot at night when I’m only with myself under the blanket. I cried a lot on the ojek. I cried a lot on the train. I cried a lot on the office toilet. I cried a lot at my working desk when there’s no one around. Basically, I cried a lot everywhere like a shameless human being.

But I think I manage to keep going on. I’m here, not running away like I used to. I face my mistakes and promise myself I’ll learn from it.

What else can I do other than living life itself?

Just take a look how far you’ve come

You’ve come a long way 🎵

[lavienlilac]

when the night has been too lonely

and the road has been too long

and you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

[lavienlilac]

Kesedihan datang serupa debur ombak.

Di masa pasang, ia akan membawa diri tergulung-gulung dalam pusaran badai.

Di masa surut, ia akan membuat diri nampak jumawa dan berpikir semua telah baik-baik saja.

Kau terjebak sendiri dalam riak laut yang tak bisa ditebak. Daratan terlampau jauh dan samudra bukanlah tempat untuk bersauh.

Pelarung laut yang andal, katanya. Bukan pertama kali laut bergelombang sedemikian buas. Kau pernah menaklukan laut dan sampai di daratan dengan selamat.

Namun badai yang datang di laut tak pernah berbentuk sama. Tak ada yang bisa kau pelajari dari jejak masa lalu. Badai melumat yang tersisa di dalam diri hidup-hidup.

Air laut terasa semakin tinggi dan menenggelamkan.

Tubuhku membatu. Hatiku membiru.

Dingin, dingin sekali rasanya.

Tidak pernah ada yang baik-baik saja.

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What cannot be said will be wept.

-- Sappho(?)

(Ayia Napa, Cyprus)

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““Love isn’t only love, sweetheart. It’s hard work, and trust, and tears, with even a few glimpses of devastation. But at the end of each day, if you can still look at the person at your side and can’t imagine anyone else you’d rather have there, the pain, the heartache and the ups and downs of love are worth it.” - Nicole Williams”

—

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Anne Sexton, from A Self-Portrait In Letters

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21092023

whoever read this, you have to know i write this post with all my mights.

jadi ceritanya gue lagi check in… ke rumah sakit. sejujurnya gue rada gak percaya juga sih kalo sakit karena ambruknya cuma sore - malam doang dan kalo pagi seger. tapi ternyata emang itu tifus yaa gengs… jadilah gue di sini dengan satu tangan terinfus dan tangan lain yang tetep gatel pengen nulis.

meski perut rasanya gak karuan, rasanya ini salah satu pagi ternikmat di weekdays gue. biasanya jam segini gue lagi nguber bus buat berangkat kerja. tapi pagi ini gue bisa lihat matahari terbit dan burung-burung bertebrangan.

gue kayak dikasih waktu jeda untuk bernapas.

meski secara fisik i know i am not feeling well at all, tapi pagi ini memberikan kesegaran jiwa. seperti diberi jeda dalam pertunjukkan orkestra yang panjang. dan gue percaya hikmah dibalik cobaan yang diberikan Allah.

bismillah you can get thru this, Sals ✨ doakan aku cepat sembuh yaaa!

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— Leslie Harrison, from “Displacement.”

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If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly our whole life would change. ♡

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Deep in my heart I know I am a loner. I’ve tried to blend in with the world and be sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am. So I’ve learned to enjoy myself, my family, and a few good friends.

Steven Aitchison