lazycock

[lazycock]

Log 16

It's February 2022, almost 3 years since my last log. I seem so content then. Now I'm 2 years into this pandemic with no real end in sight and I'm back to being depressed. Great. My mother's apartment building isn't hers anymore and I'd like to get out instead of paying this expensive rent. I'm driving a 2020 black civic. I like it. No girlfriend and still don't care. Still enjoy being solo. Although, I wish I wasn't completely solo. I wish I had someone to help me help my parents. I wish I had siblings. I wish not everything would fall on me. I wish my parents weren't so needy. I wish my mother would stop buying property or whatever and drag my name in so that I can do all the work and I'm sick of it. I changed job and now work at a video game company with a little better pay. Not sure if I'll stay long, because my probation got extended and I don't know how much in trouble I am for little inconsequential mistakes, but whatever. If they decide to let me go, then I'll figure something else. If I do stay then fine. The job is fine, can't complain too much, but it does lack any sort of excitement. Maybe because we're in the middle of a pandemic so working in a ghost office might give that feeling. But man is it tiring to do go through this endless routine of work, eat, sleep. Life is so monotonous and I'm seeing grey now. I recently spent some time with friends, family, and extended family for Chinese New Year. And as much as I enjoyed their company, I can't say it did much for my depression. It's still there looming in my mind like a dark cloud. Work is just so boring and my coworkers all combined, no disrespect, aren't even as fun as Stephane was. Kinda miss the old guy. Would I go back to my previous job? If I had to, but I kinda don't want to. I'd rather not bathe in the same river twice. The job market seems kinda bleak and terrible with all shit happening to our economy because of the pandemic. I get the feeling there is no such thing as a fun work environment right now. Best to wait it out I guess. I told my mother on the phone that I don't want to help her with her shit anymore. I'm tired of it, sick of it, I want to take a break from her and dad, and I feel guilty. Filial piety is a pain in the ass, especially when you're an only child, even more so when your parents just don't stop piling on responbilities on you. Responsibilities that I reject. Everthing falls on me and there's no one to help. I hate it. I feel trapped at work and trapped with my family. I want to get out, but where? The situation isn't better elsewhere with the pandemic. Do I realistically want to move country? That would mean abandoning my parents. And what about the dogs. I need to spend time with them, especially since Cooky and Moon are getting old. I miss you Suki. I think I need to take my own advice from my last log and meditate. If I can't escape physically and outwardly, then maybe I could mentally and inwardly. All in all, I'm depressed. I'm tired of this loop. I'm tired of this pandemic fucking everything up. I'm tired of living. I just want to stop existing. Things cannot continue like this. I need to meditate and save myself.

[lazycock]

Log 15

Hoooh boy, it’s been 2 years since my last log.

Just read it again and found it very funny and immature.

To answer the questions I asked in log 14:

Yes, I moved out of my parents place. I now live at my mom’s apartment building. It’s great and quiet, just like I want it. It still needs some work, but it’ll come with time (and money) just gotta be patient.

Yes, I also have a car, thanks to mom. Driving a Civic 2017 in black. It’s great and I love the car.

Do I have a girlfriend? Nope. And genuinely don’t care. It’s funny how girlfriend obssessed I was even in the last log where I claim I don’t care and yet still bring it up quite a lot lol.

I don’t think being in a relationship would suit me. Of course, that would depend on the type of girl I’m dating, but still I don’t think it’s for me. I enjoy my quiet evenings alone at home. No obligations, no need to go out. If I meet a nice girl, then great, but if not, I can just masturbate and move on to something else.

In my last log, I talked a lot about how much I didn’t like my job and wanting to go into technical writing. I don’t think I want to go down that road after all. At least, it doesn’t really interest me much. Right now, I’ve learned to enjoy the little things at work. I’ve learn not to hate it. I still don’t care much for the world of corporate IT, but I’m okay staying at my job for now. Although, a higher salary wouldn’t be so bad.

One thing I definetely wouldn’t want is to work more than 40 hours a week. 40 hours is plenty enough, any more and I would feel like I’m living to work rather than work to live. Then again, I’ve never done it so maybe I can adapt to it and learn to be okay with it.

I’ve been at my job for 2 and half years now and I’m thinking maybe it’s time to move on, but I don’t hate my job and it’s relatively close to my apartment.

I don’t care about having a high salary. I don’t care about living a luxurious life. I just want to live a simple quiet life taking care of my health, expand my knowledge, develop new skills, and enjoy what I’ve always enjoyed: anime, manga, video games, etc.

Am I satisfied with my life right now? I think so. Much more than I was 2 years ago I would say. I’ve forgotten how much I hated myself and my life 2 years ago. I’ve grown a lot since then, and I hope to continue to grow and become even more content with my life no matter where I end up.

I did go through an existential crisis not too long ago. You could say it was a quarter life crisis at 25, but now I’ve learn to enjoy the moment.

I think I just need to meditate. The less you think about your purpose in life and other existential thoughts, the better. Meditation helps to clear the mind and get rid of these thoughts that don’t serve any purpose. Exercise also helps a lot.

Live in the moment and enjoy it while you can, because it could be your last.

Memento mori.

[lazycock]

Log 14

Why do I call them logs? I’m not a pirate lol. Log 13 was so lame. But I’m still lame. Did I worried that much about my singleness? My forever alone status? Anyways, that’s not what’s on my mind these days. Now that I’m older, I’m more worried about my status as an adult. I’m 23 and I’m still living with my parents with no car and no girlfriend. That’s what I’m worried about. I’m also worried about my professional life in the future. I feel like I’m at a crossroad. A long crossroad. I’m currently NOT a computer scientist as I thought I was going to be. In fact, computer “scientist” isn’t really a thing, is it? It’s called system administrator or programmer or level 1 IT support help desk monkey which is what I am right now. And I’m getting tired of it. I don’t know how my senpais (you still know what that word means, right? Don’t act you weren’t a fucking weeb before lol. I’m less of a weeb now though, but just a little less) I don’t know how my senpais can keep the same job for 2-5 years. Like how is that not driving them nuts. Then there’s a guy that my colleague told me about this morning who has been doing help desk support for 3 years and is NOW trying to become a system administrator. Do I want to be a system administrator? I don’t know. Less than a year ago, I would say yes because of the money and “prestige,” but now? I don’t think so. That means going through boring ass Cisco certifications that needs to be renew every few years. I don’t know if the IT world is really for me anymore and it’s been less than a year I’ve been working in that field. How pathetic. How about programming? I don’t know to be honest. It’s not too bad, but it’s not something I care too much for. The one thing that seem to interest me at all is technical writing. Why? Because it’s more “hipster” as I told one of my friends from the DEP. I was half-serious though. It is less known of a job. I mean, I’ve never heard of this job about a year ago and I like to think of myself as a well-rounded guy. Since it’s less known, that means less competition when studying for it and when looking for a job, but that also means that there’s less jobs for it, it seems. I take a quick look on indeed.ca for technical writing jobs both in French and English, and they always ask for 3-5 years of experience and a bachelor’s degree with knowledge in a bunch of different softwares. Now, getting a bachelor’s degree doesn’t bother me too much I guess if I think it’s worth it. Even if that means 3-4 more years of living with mommy and daddy, but I don’t know if I want to do that. Ok so first, why do I want to become a technical writer? Because it’s more “hipster,” okay. What else? There’s less of a chance for the job to get automated by robots. It’s minimalist. IS IT THOUGH? Well, it’s a job that mainly deals with words. It’s a job that only requires a computer. It’s a job that I could do remotely. It’s a job that’s all about simplifying complex concepts for the lay man. Me, being someone that always like to type out documents and take the time to make sure it’s perfect. The perfectionist in me that always pays attention to the smallest details. Makes this job seem more fitting for me even though I’m good with computers. But so what’s holding me back from going into that field whether by doing a certificate for a year or a bachelor’s degree for 3-4 years? I’m worried about not liking it after all. I’m that I won’t find a job and just drift around like I did after cegep. I don’t want to go back to that dark period of my life. I’m too old for that. At my age, I should know better. I am terrified of living that period of my life again. Absolutely terrified. Should I be afraid, though? Should I take that leap of faith? Should I switch career once again? Would that be the last time that I make a switch? Will I ever move out of my parents’ place? Will I ever grow up?

I could end my log there, but I don’t want to. I want answers. I want to imagine what would future me would say. What would he answer to these questions? Are you in a better place than I am now? I fucking hope so. You better have already move out of your parents’ place. Got a girlfriend now? Please please please stop reading if you’re still a child. Fucking hell. I’m scratching my damn fucking head for your well being right now. What happened to the girl you met at your IT job? Are you dating her? Did you finally grew some balls? Please don’t tell me you’re forever alone. Ok that’s enough. I need answers. Ok so right now, the truth of the matter is that I’m NOT satisfied with my current job. I am interested in technical writing. I want to try it, but I don’t want to fail and end up a loser. I have lost interest in the IT world. Programming is MAYBE something that I could end up doing, but I’m not sure. God why did I have to grow up around fucking losers. Is this what growing up in a ghetto is like? No model of success around you, just failures and losers and depressed motherfuckers. 2016 was shit for so many people apparently. It’s 2017 now, the year of the rooster. Let’s hope things will get better. But apparently, this year is a bad year for roosters like me. When it’s the year of your sign, it’s a bad thing. I have no idea why. Fucking Chinese people I swear. I guess we’ll see if they were right. It’s either make or break I feel. Ok so I just did some reading on the year of the rooster and I don’t know what to make of it. I guess Chinese zodiac like all horoscopes are bullshit. One thing I did enjoy though was finding about a the Trump rooster in China. IT’S FUCKING GLORIOUS LOL I want to visit it. I think I lost my train of thoughts here. Cause now I’m hungry and I want some cookies. 

I just went back and read all my previous logs. God damn I haven’t changed much in FOUR FUCKING YEARS WHAT THE FUCK. Is life really that SLOW? Or am I the slow one (aka retarded). FUCK. I love how much I hated school back then and now I’m seriously thinking of going back again. Well, I was right in that one log when I said that I don’t hate school, I just hate homework and that is very true. I thoroughly enjoyed my time during my DEP partly because of the great classmates I had and partly because I had NO HOMEWORK. It was great! Too great though. I was basically extending my childhood. I mean shit I was going to school from 8-3 like I did during before Cegep. So okay, I think I need to figure the fuck out of something here. Like I can’t just keep on NOT improving myself. This is fucking nuts. What should I do? Well, let’s focus on my career. Career is right now the most important part of my life. It’s what will dictate every other aspects of my life. And RIGHT NOW I don’t like my career. I don’t like IT very much. Though, I wouldn’t say I hate it. I’m just bored by it. Not like technical writing will be so much more exciting. But maybe just more satisfying? That is if I actually will like it, if I get a job, if I go into it. Ok so if I want to move out, get a car, get a gf, etc. as soon as possible, then the best way to achieve all of those things would be to stay in the field of IT and try to move up the latter as fast as I can. That would mean working on Cisco certifications and what not. But I don’t know, I have a bad vibe from the IT world. I have a pretty pessimistic and negative impression of the IT world. Thanks to my colleagues, people on the internet complaining about job hunting sifting through hoards of shitty job ads asking for a high amount of knowledge, skills, and experiences while offering a low salary. Then there’s the whole exporting jobs to other companies or Indians.

I feel like I want to move and become independent just to get a girlfriend. Would I be so hungry for independence if I had a loving girlfriend? Maybe not. Maybe I’d be more okay to stay at my parents’ place longer while being in uni.

If I do go back to uni, I think it’s best that I go for a bachelor’s degree. 1) So I can make my mom proud. 2) So that I have a better chance of getting a job in this barely known field. 3) So that I would have more time to socialize with classmates because networking is very important.

[lazycock]

Log 13

Shit the last log was messy af lol. That's what happens when you don't sleep and try to write something coherent at 6am. So to elaborate to my future self... Well, it was pretty clear what I was saying. Basically, I want a girl who I really click with. I'm not being picky, I just have never met a girl like that. Sad.

Anyway, one thing that I do feel needs to be elaborated on is the last bit there about me moving on with movies. See, I've never really been into films is what I've always knew but never seem to admitted to myself during my 2 years of study in cinema. I can't get myself to sit to down to watch a movie at home except on rare occasions like when I wanted to watch Frozen lol. Pushing myself to watch old classic films like 2001 or Hitchcock films or whatever was a chore. I was more into television in fact, but even then, I haven't watched that many shows partly because I could end up binge watching like crazy like that time I watched all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad in a week before the last 8 episodes were out yet. So, films have never really been my thing and now that I finally admitted it, I can free myself with the burden of having to live up to my stupid made-up fantasy of a passionate movie guy. I am not that. I can now move on and search for what I really am into. One thing for sure, I was and am and probably always will be into stories of any kind. Whether it's a story told through a novel, a video game, a music album, painting, photography, drawings, animation, film, television, etc. I always love stories and trying to come up with my own (that unfortunately never gets anywhere). That's why I'm kinda dreaming of writing a story, but I don't know if I want it to be a novel, a comic book, a script, a video game, etc. All I know is I want to tell a story that I could be proud of.

On the side, I'll be a computer scientist like so many other asian kids. It's a good paying job that's available everywhere and it can lead to me making some great creations too like a video game or an animation or something.

Anyway, I think what I want to talk about is my singleness and being tired of it. In fact, it's more than that. I often times fantasizes of potential fun interactions I could have with some cool imaginary friends that I wish exist in my life(and who all happen to be beautiful girls of course). It's pathetic I know, but let me add some more pathetic things to say. I'm a funny guy and my friends know it, but I kinda feel like my sense of humour isn't pushed to its full potential with the current friends I have. Sounds so fucking weird huh? I'm satisfied with the friends I have, but they don't always get my sense of humour, so instead I have to adapt to theirs. I just would love to have a girl who really 100% gets me. Someone I could go exploring all the hidden gems in my city with such as restaurants, concerts, stores, etc. Someone who would try new things with me. Someone who would travel with me. Someone who would support me. Someone who would motivate me. Someone who would make me want to wake up in the morning. Someone who make me look forward to the days to come. I sound emo now. Rest assured, I'm not depressed right now. Just unmotivated and lazy to get out of the bed, to workout, to be the best I can be in every facet of my life. I kinda wished the whole childhood love thing happened to me. See, I'm not like my friend who isn't ready for a committed relationship because he wants to "explore" all the girls out there. Something I wanted to tell him, but couldn't bring myself to because it would sound weird coming from me who has zero experience with dating, is that in a way, they're all the same. Don't get me wrong, I think women aren't some sort of hivemind that can't think for themselves. They really are all different and unique in their own way. What I'm saying is, he wants to explore (as in "have sex with") all sorts of girls when I feel like there isn't really that much to explore. A vagina is a vagina. Sure, the shape and color is different and maybe the girl is into a different type of sex, but at the end of the day it's just... idk not all that special? Not worth breaking up with the nice girl you already have for something pretty meaningless? All this to say, personally, I would prefer to just stick with one really cool girl. I just never got to meet that really cool girl. Where is she? She could be on my bus ride to school, on the metro, in my classroom, friends with one of my friends, friends of friends with one of my friends, she could be living a few doors away from me like she could be on the other side of the planet. She could be anywhere ok, but what does she look like? She could be asian, white, black, latino, arabian, native, hapa, etc. She could be tall or short, thin or curvy. She could be dorky or smooth, quiet or loud. She could've been that girl I had a crush on since 3rd grade had I not been a stupid awkward pansy. She could have been that girl I had a crush on in my PE class in my 2nd year of college had I not been a stupid awkward pansy. She could be every single girl on the planet and I still wouldn't hook with any of them if I'm a stupid awkward pansy. So I need to stop being that. How? Should I start talking to strangers in public? Should I start online dating? Should I start joining clubs? Maybe I should just go to bed now. Goodnight.

[lazycock]

Log 12

Long time no log. What's up with me? A lot of things that feel like nothing really happened now that I'm being lazy on my bed refusing to sleep. Not working and yes still single. I want to change but I never do. I don't know what is wrong with me. It's summer though, it just started, but I sometimes I feel like it's already over. I don't know why. I just do. But it's a great to be more adventurous, even if it means being adventurous on my own. How sad, but maybe not really. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to explore the world, understand the world and change the world. But not right now. Right now, what do I want? Clothes? Not anymore, nothing really inspires me. Video games? I've been saying I want a Wii U, but I think deep down I know this is just a phase that will pass. I don't think I want anything material. I think I want something more meaningful. This is very lame and I hate the idea that this is becoming a theme here on my super personal blog that no else reads but me (AS FAR AS I KNOW), but here it is...

I want a girlfriend.

...

Really? What happened to not giving a fuck about being single and do you? Oh, I still think I should just do me (hehehe "do me"), but I also want a girlfriend. Now, of course I don't want to date any girl here. I'm not being  picky, I just want to be someone not because they're pretty or have a nice personality or share similar interest or whatever. I want to be with someone that I feel like I really click with. I still haven't met a girl like that.

yo im tired as fuck right now. maybe ill elaborate this next time or never but whatever i did some writing and i like that so fuck it good night/morning

btw I don't care about films and movies anymore. Sad, but not really cause when I think about I never really been that into movies. Im into other things now. bye.

[lazycock]

Log 11: Valentine's Day

It's late at night (like always) and it's finally February 14th, Valentine's day. I just want to let out my thoughts on dating because I'm single and maybe I feel a little bitter/lonely about it. No, actually, I'm just a little confused. I don't know how to feel about being single. A kissless virgin single at age 20 to be more precise. The right thing to do seems to be to not let it get to me. Just keep doing me, enjoying life in any way I want and not fret about it. And I've been doing that, but from time to time I wonder if I should do something about it. Like now. I'm thinking if maybe I shouldn't be so neglectful about my singleness. Maybe, at this point in my life, it might be time I do something about it. Take some initiatives. Whether it's going out and approach random cute strangers outside and asking for their phone numbers or setting up a OKCupid profile and send messages to cute girls who have a certain amount of friendship percentage. Or maybe even chatting up on Facebook with some girls I used to talk to and who I am pretty sure they had a thing for me and set up a date with them. I dunno. What should I do? Do I even want a girlfriend? Maybe I'm just looking to get a laid. Maybe I'm just looking for some female companionship. I don't even know what it is that I want. I usually just tell myself that it's a case by case sort of thing and I just need to go with the flow and see where things go, but that would only work if I have girls that I meet and talk to regularly. I don't mind being alone on the weekends at home with my dogs. Or maybe it's just something I've convinced myself. Or maybe I just learn to be comfortable with it otherwise I'd become depressed and cry in a corner. I admit, i do feel lonely sometimes. Maybe it's why every night and every morning/afternoon, whenever I'm in bed about to sleep or waking up, I fantasize about having a great relationship with some girls that I know in real life. Well, most of these fantasies are sexual, but sometime it's ... romantic. Oh, how pathetic. Where am I going with this? I don't even know what I'm writing about. So let's see, with all 3 options I have about meeting more girls more regularly (pick up girls, online dating, fb chat girls I knew) why am I not doing any of them? What is stopping me? Is it the fear of rejection? It could very well be it. But right now, I don't wanna go out and approach girls because it's fucking cold outside and I don't have an infinite amount of public transit passes. Online dating... well I know shit about taking a selfie. And apparently it's kinda lame when you don't have a pic that is taken by a friend of yours which I very rarely ever have. Finally, fb chatting some old acquaintances/friends... that's the one that makes me the most nervous about probably because I'm dealing with people who I actually know and not strangers. So... which is it then? A decision is better than no decision... Online dating actually might be my favourite option. I just need a nice face pic, a nice body pic and a nice social pic. Then make a good profile and then send out messages and hope for the best... Until then, wait 'til I go back to school for the upcoming fall semester and hope to meet some cuties in my classes. Or join a club there. Or join a club outside of school or go to some meet ups, but then I need to get more bus/metro passes. So get a job! And maybe you'll meet a cutie at your job. But, I'm scared to take the first step. How lame. Anyways, happy valentine's day to me and have a good night.

[lazycock]

Log #10

I didn't go applying for a job or an intern today and I am not very proud of myself. Why didn't I go? I was completely ready. I woke up early, I ate breakfast, I got dressed, I got all the places I intended to go. All that was left to do was to print my resumes and cover letters and go, but I didn't. I went back to bed instead. I don't know why. Maybe it was my reptilian brain that was afraid of change. I convinced myself that the weather wasn't good, that it's pointless just like the last two times I went to apply and I need to work on my portfolio first. Not necessarily for university, but for myself. To develop my skills and creativity. Maybe I'm right. I don't know. Maybe I really should work on honing my skills instead of lying about it on my resume (like claiming to be capable of using Avid Media Composer when I never used it before). But how do I go about doing that? I guess, I should first get a story written down i.e. a script. But then what? I don't have a crew or actors. I don't know anyone who is willing to help. Where am I going to get actors? Man, this sucks... Actually, maybe I do know how.

Now what kind of story do I want to tell? Well, I personally like the idea of a narrative/fiction film with a touch of experimental. I am really into minimalism so, maybe try to apply minimalism into my film Like, maybe a minimalist story or editing or acting or whatever. 

I had a rough time during college. Not just because of college but also for personal reasons. I was still (and probably still is) an awkward kid with lots of insecurities and doubts about myself and my place in the world. I was insecure of things like my accent, my appearance, my virginity, my non-white skin and I had uncertainties like whether or not cinema was made for me or rather if I was made for cinema. Everyone was friends with each other in my program while I felt like social outcast who was too awkward to fit in. Too boring, too weird, too depressed, stressed, anxious and all of that was showing while I did my best to hide it. I would often justify my lack of good friends made in college by claiming I was just too busy. I lived far away, I had too many stuffs to do (which is bullshit since everyone else has the same amount of workload) and I had trouble managing my time and I had procrastination problems which led me to pull all-nighters frequently. Now that I graduated, I have no contacts. No network, no one who I can call and would be down to help me out. Maybe I should've joined a club. I was so focused on just trying to pass all of my courses and get my degree and GTFO of college ASAP that I forgot to stop and smell the roses and truly enjoy the company of all the cool and happy people that were in my program. Oh, who am I kidding? I was a loner. There was no way I could've made any friends with the mentality I had. Always worried about looking clingy/needy/desperate to make friends that I end up with absolutely no one. I wasn't going to initiate any conversation with anyone. I wasn't going to be able to keep up with the conversations people had. Which led me to resent them. Goddamn, how would I have done differently if I could go back in time and try again? I don't know. I hate school and that hatred was always looming on me all throughout those 2 years. Trying again would just bring back that negative energy and fucked me over again. Unless, I stretch it to 3 years and thus have fewer classes, but I wouldn't think of it because even if I only had one course to take for a whole semester, I would still hate school and thus would have done everything in my power to get out of it ASAP. Ok, I feel like I'm just repeating myself here.

Why am I talking about college all of sudden? Well, I was just checking on my classmates Facebook profiles like the creeper that I am and was wondering where they are now compared to me. Well, they're mostly in uni so I dunno how to feel about that. Anyway, school sucks and I dunno if I would really want to go to uni. I would hate to myself working on a project all on my own again. I am afraid that I'll end up as a loner once again.

It's almost midnight. What to do? Go to bed? And do what tomorrow? Apply for a job/intern? I don't know if I want that. I prefer the idea of working on personal project first. But couldn't I just do both? Get a job/intern and work on project of my own? Yeah. I could. But I'm trying to make excuses to not go and apply again. Apparently, it's raining tomorrow morning which is worse than the cloudy sky we had this morning, so am I going to be even less motivated to go out? Maybe. Is this pathetic of me? I rather not think about it. Wouldn't want to feel even worse about myself and put myself in a downward spiral of depression. Damn do I need help? Even if I do, I probably couldn't afford it and I certainly do not want to ask my parents to pay me a therapist. That's embarrassing and I don't know if they would even agree to it. They've already so much money just to raise me, I wouldn't want to drain their money again. I would hate myself for that. So, help/therapy is out of the question. Pills? I don't know about that. Don't you need a prescription for that? I don't know and I'm not comfortable with that idea.

I had few ideas for a film project that I could work. I'm not going to tell tumblr what they are though. I have my phone for that. but some of them requires me to be the main actor and I don't think I like that idea. I hate hearing my recorded voice and editing a film while constantly listening to my voice sound like hell to me. 

Anyways, goodnight.

[lazycock]

Log #9

I should be sleeping (once again), but instead I'm here writing this because I feel like I need to get this off my chest. It's been a while since I post a blog in here. Almost 4 months since my last post and I feel like nothing has changed since. 4 months and I still can't stay consistent with my goals. 4 months and I'm still procrastinating and am unwilling to go to apply for a job again. To fill in a little bit about the 3-4 months gap, I did find a job at One Blink, a small photography and videography company for weddings. I worked there for a month rough cutting at the studio and filming at weddings. I've earned ~$1000 and now the guy running the company, Chi, tells me he'll call me when he'll need me. What this means is that it's time to find another job. I'm pissed. I remember, on the first day of the job, he told me how the wedding season ends towards the month of October which prompt me to ask him when will my last day of the job be before the company goes on a break till the next wedding season. He told me I can stay as long as I want because he has lots of stuffs he filmed last year for me to rough cut. I don't know, I feel like he promised a stable job and he broke that promise. I'm mad at him and I'm mad at myself for being naive. I've finally learned that in this industry, there is no such thing as a stable job. So, I always need to be on the lookout for other jobs.

I've reread my last log and that last part, honestly, doesn't feel genuine to me. It was pretty cheesy, but I get it that it was just me trying to be optimistic, but I was forcing it and it's quite obvious. I was forcing myself to be positive when in reality I am not. I'm afraid that as time goes on, I'll lose motivation to chase my dream. Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about my dream of becoming a filmmaker. I still want it, but I'm not as hungry as I was. I'm having lots of doubts about myself and I hate this. I'm scared and insecure. I feel like there's no one for me to confide to and even if there was, I wouldn't because I've convinced myself I need to "man-up". But that's a load of bullshit, everyone needs help, but I managed to convince myself that I don't. It's okay for everyone else to seek help and i would encourage them to, but never to myself. Because that's how stupid I am.

I have ~$3000 in my bank account and I don't know what to do with it. Should I invest it into a car? Should I spend it on clothes and make me a little happier? Should I keep it in case I'm going back to school? Should use it to buy myself a better camera equipment and work on making a film? I don't know. I don't know what to do with it just like I don't know what to do with myself.

I want a girlfriend, but I convinced myself I am not ready, because I need to finish that book. Because I'm a bum with no job. Because I need to get my life together first. Because I'm depressed and I shouldn't rely on a girlfriend to become happy. A relationship won't fix my problem.

As an aspiring person who wants to make it, I should practice everyday to become better, but I don't do it. I am not shooting/writing a film everyday. Instead I just waste my time on Reddit. I feel like I don't have anyone who would be willing to help me shoot a film. Not even to hold the camera for me. I feel like I don't have anyone. 

Anyway off to bed

[lazycock]

Future

First picture I ever posted on my tumblr and it's a pretty crappy one. It's cliché and people post it thinking they can relate to it when they don't even have a clue what their dreams and goals are. And yet here I am bandwagoning on it. I'm kinda late though, but whatever it's not like anyone is supposed to read anything in here. If you're not me and you're reading this, you're either affiliated with the government and spying on me or you're someone I really trust. Or both. Anyways, the reason I'm sharing it is because I genuinely do relate to it. I'm going through that right now. People from friends to families and even some acquaintances have been questioning me about my future plans. It usually starts off the same way with the same old question "Oh you're done with school? So which university are you going to?" Right there, they're already assuming I'm going to university and right there I know this conversation is not gonna be great. "Oh actually I'm not going to university... yet" Gotta make sure to add "yet" otherwise they'll look down on me even more. "Oh, so you're already working?" they ask less enthusiastically. "Well, actually, I haven't found a job yet." You get the picture. It happened plenty of time within the last two months and I just wonder "I just finished college, can a guy have some vacation?" I try to reassure them by telling them that if nothing comes up then I'll go back to school next year either I'll go to university or go back to college. If you've read my previous logs, you should know how much I like that idea (In case you're really wondering, I fucking hate that idea). Today, my grandparents told me I should go back to study and strive to become a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, a teacher, etc. They tell me that filmmaking is not a good career. Then they tell me how my aunties in australia have a good paying job, one of them being a teacher and that I should follow their example. I know they're saying all this because they care about me, but I can't say I really appreciate it. I knew this would happened when I decided to visit them because it happens with almost everyone I socialize with. I'm starting to wonder if I should even bother talking to anyone anymore. No one believes in me, not even my mom, but I don't blame them. I've been a lazy bum who still hasn't even asked for a job or an intern at any studio. Why? Well, first, I haven't finished writing a simple little cover letter which might not even be necessary and I keep procrastinating. Second, I thought since I just finished college that I deserve some break, but that break has gone on a little too long now. Finally, because I'm lazy. Yep. I'm a lazy ass freeloading bum living in his parents' basement. Can't even get up at 6 am just to have a good day. Can't even eat 4000 calories a day to get bulkier. Can't even consistently go the gym 3 days a week. Sleep, diet and workout are the basics to lead a good life and I can't even do them right. But I believe as long as I keep trying and I don't give up, I'll get it eventually. Every time I fail, I just tell myself that it's okay and that I'll try again tomorrow. Just so you know, there were days when I did manage to wake at 6, do house chores, go to the gym and consume 4000 calories, but then it all falls down and I'm back to my bad habits. I just can't seem to stay consistent. How do you stay consistent? How do you stay disciplined every single day and not fall back to your old bad habits? How do you stay motivated to pursue a dream? By remembering your reason.

I want to become a great filmmaker because it's my greatest dream. I want to make great movies that I can be proud of. I want to make my family proud especially my mother who has worked so hard for me and to give me everything I have and all the opportunities that she could never have. I want to fulfill the promise I made to her. I want to explore the world and meet all sorts of people. I want to contribute to the art of cinema. I want to contribute to the world and help it. I want to improve it and make it a better place for everyone. I wanna be like Luffy. I wanna be the Pirate King!

[lazycock]

A Love Letter to Myself

Dear me, I've been hard on myself for years now. I am my own worst critic and I think a good way to fight off these negative feelings I have about myself would be to list some things I like about myself. It's funny because I use to look down on people who hated themselves. I thought they were weak and oversensitive. I guess I just hated people who mirrored me without fully realizing it. Anyways, what do I like about myself? Well I think I'm pretty funny. I like that I have a strong interest in films, fashion and other art forms. I like that I am open-minded about many things. I like that I can think on a deeper level. I like that I don't think too highly of myself like many "losers" who think they're mentally better than the "jocks" and the "douchebags." I think I still have my own fair share of flaws and so I am not better than anyone at all and I like that I'm not like that. I like that I don't fully fit in any stereotypical personality. I like geeky stuffs and am quite geeky, I'm introverted and and don't have many friends, but I am not a neckbeard fedora-wearing geek who knows everything about Star Trek and tries hard to be unique and quirky and think of myself as better than "ordinary people." Also, as an asian person, I don't fit in any common asian personalities. I am not a "traditional" asian, I am not a "white-washed" asian and I am not a "ghetto" asian either. I am just... me and I like that. Makes me feel a little special. Honestly, I feel like there isn't much to like about me. I am plain. Nothing truly special about me and, in the grand scheme of things and at the very end, no one really is special. No one ever. But then, that reminds me of the Little Prince and his flower. Special to who? We are not special to the universe, but we might be special to somebody and maybe that's all we need. I am special to my mom and that should be enough, right?. I mean why should I care if someone thinks I am boring and plain? Fuck that person. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you to me? Yet, I don't feel it's enough. I am special to my mother. I know that, but she spends so much time working, I guess I don't really *feel* special. I never quite *felt* special and now I sound ungrateful. Like a whiny little bitch who always complains and wants more. Considering how there are people who go through so so much more than I do, I feel like a crybaby. But I don't feel too sad. I don't spend my time thinking about how "unspecial" I am. But it's still always subconsciously present and right now, I'm just bringing attention to it. ... Okay let's turn this into a self-criticism. I'm lazy an depressed. I procrastinate a lot. I don't look cool at all. I am awkward and far from being a charmer. I am a kissless virgin at 19 going 20. I am a skinny little guy. I sleep late and wake up late. I masturbate daily. I don't meet my own expectations and I hate myself for it and it makes things worse and I know it and I don't change and it gets even worse. I have accomplished nothing significant to me or anyone. I am just a faceless and nameless nobody who lives in his parents' basement. And that's fine. It's alright. There's nothing wrong with me is what a buddhist monk or someone who wants to make me feel better would say. But fuck that and fuck whoever would tell me that out of pity. Cheering me up like this may be well-intentioned, but it just means they find me pitiful and thus pathetic. I'm sick and tired of never seeing any progress in any aspect of my life. Always blaming on other things like school. Fuck school. I don't need to explain myself about that. I want respect. Not the basic and polite kind. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be at the top and piss on everyone below me. But I worry that I'm not really power thirsty. That tomorrow, I'll just spend my night sitting on my ass, eating ice cream while watching TV. Is that what will happen? I don't know. We'll see. Love, Yours Truly

[lazycock]

The Waiting Game

The reason I'm always absorbed in things like TV shows, video games, Reddit, etc. is because I'm trying to run away from my own life. I try to escape it subconsciously because I am bored with it. I am not satisfied with my life and instead of trying to fix it, I tune my mind onto something else. They say those who read live a thousand lives and those who don't only live one. I think I'm living by this quote too seriously. I need to find a balance. I need to put more focus on my story that is my life. Now that I'm pretty much done with school, I can start working on myself in all aspects of my life. First, I need to know if I passed all my courses, then I need to know if I passed my exit exam and finally graduated. Once I know I have officially graduated, I need to wait for a job or internship interview. Then, I need to know if I got the job or the internship. After all this, I can finally really start working on myself. So basically, right now, I'm justing playing the waiting game. Just waiting and waiting. I can't wait.

[lazycock]

I'm a mess

Things are not going too well right now. Can't believe I overslept and missed not 1, not 2, but 3 tests in a row. Which reminds me, I need to send a message to my teachers asking for another chance to take the tests. God, I hate school (Shut up, I know what you're thinking). But, I'm not pissed or frustrated. I went way past that. Now I'm just discouraged. Senioritis? Maybe. Lazy? Maybe. Probably. I don't know anymore. I'm starting to think summer school isn't so bad. But I don't wanna stay in school any longer. Speaking of summer school, should've done that to make the last semester easier on me. Now I'm being fucked hard in deep shit. Nice mental image, huh? Okay, I might not be too fucked, but I'm on the verge of having everything fall apart. I can't wait to graduate whenever that is.

On a more positive note, I've just discovered two new artists that I kinda dig so far: Geeks and Urban Zakapa. Both Korean music, but not nearly as popular as GG & BB thus giving me hipster points. I like their slower songs like Just Go, Cafe Latte and the remix and... that's kinda it so far. Like I've said I just discovered them, I need to listen more of their music, but what I'm hearing so far is good. I also listened to Geeks' How Are You which is more upbeat and I liked it.

I'm starting to get really apathetic in the way I look, interact with people, deal with school work... I feel depleted and I'm just venting. I want to sleep all the time. I'm physically tired from staying up late a night. I'm mentally tired trying to juggle everything. I'm emotionally tired, not being able to give a lot of fucks about school anymore. I want to sleep because being asleep is better than being awake right now. Sounds almost suicidal. I seriously hope I learn to cope with stress better once I'm out of school. I hope I don't get discouraged as I try to break into the film industry and end up becoming a bum. I want to get a good paying job in the industry so I can afford all the pretty clothing, have a nice place of my own and basically just being able to have the kind of lifestyle I want. Watching movies at theatres every week, watching a play once in a while, watching stand up comedians like Rachid and Sugar Sammy, getting to know Montreal better by discovering its hidden gems be it restaurants, cafés, shops, neighbourhoods, etc. I've been sheltered for too long, time to go out more. I'm sure most teenagers have already done that because they're so cool and outgoing unlike me. I don't have many friends. I have a very small circle of friends. Should I be concerned? Should I feel bad about it? I don't know. I try not to think too much about it. I don't think it really matters. Although, I will admit, I wish I was more sociable and outgoing. Maybe I should've joined a club when I first started Dawson. But back then, I was insecure and self-conscious about my English. I was an awkward-ass kid and still am. Then again, I don't get how people find the time to hang out in clubs rather than working on homework and studying. How many courses do these guys have? Man, fuck them. Fuck them for being better at managing their time, for being able to juggle work and school, for being more sociable, for being better than me. I hate them, but not really. I just hate myself.

[lazycock]

Log #4

I don't know what to write about. I just feel like writing something and not go to sleep. I guess I can talk about one thing: my frustration with the lack of significant progress in any facet of my life. I am frustrated because I feel stuck. I think I've said it before, but I really cannot wait to graduate. School work is demotivating me, but I fear I might just be making excuses. I really wished I took summer school. I don't feel creative. I don't feel very motivated, although I'm doing a little better now, but I really fear I might crash during finals. Why am I unhappy? Is it really because of school? Right now I'm just thinking about it through writing. Okay, I'm unhappy because I don't make any progress. I don't make any moves on girls, I don't workout to get the body I want. I am not developing the important skills to become a better filmmaker. I am not expanding my knowledge in cinema. Basically, I am not being productive. Why? I'd say it's because of school ( I know I'm annoying for always talking about school, but I'm still a student so give me a break) but, once AGAIN, I fear that I am just making excuses. Why do I keep repeating this? Why do I not know if I am making excuses or not? Maybe because, even though my reasons are justifiable, I find myself procrastinating a lot on Reddit (God I love and hate you Reddit). Some would say being in school is productive, but I am starting to see it as a waste of time learning things that, for most of them, I don't care about. Okay, actually looking back at all the courses I have taken including the ones that I have now, I am pretty content with all the different things that my courses have taught me. I guess I just hate homework. So from now on, I'll stop saying: "I hate school." Instead, I'll say: "I hate homework" which is much more accurate.

I was thinking about tomorrow and the girls that I'll see at school in my classes. It got me thinking whether I want a girlfriend or not. Why do I keep thinking about that? I've already told myself that I wouldn't aim for a serious relationship, but if I end up really liking a girl, then I guess I could pursue something more serious. A better question to ask would be: Why am I so obsessed about that? Mabe I'm succumbing to social pressure of being a kissless 19 year old virgin. Maybe I'm lonely and I want something to fill that gap. Maybe it's both. Am I lonely? I wonder. This might be a good time to re-examine my social circle which isn't big at all. My cousin Chison. I've known him forever, but he's not someone I really open myself to. We don't text, call, message or even write each a letter. We're both busy with school but sometimes I'll go visit him and my grandma during my free time. Lesley. I've known him since secondary 2 through MSN messenger. In the last two or maybe even three years, we've grown pretty distant. I guess it shows where our friendship really is at once we've stopped talking about anime, manga, otaku culture, girls' generation, etc. Also, he's pretty busy nowadays, working night time and all. Also, he's got a girlfriend now so of course he would want to spend time with her. David. He's alright, but our interactions are pretty bland. He sometimes has a sense of humour that is not really my kind of humour. He's busy with school and we don't have much in common other than our interest for fashion and talking about our days in secondary school. HectorE. We share quite a lot in common including our sense of humour, but I don't know, he's not really the kind of friend I could open myself to. There's more but it's late so off to sleep now. Gnight.

[lazycock]

Log #3

I didn't read my last posts, but apparently it's been a week since the last one. Not bad. Anyway, depression. I don't think have it anymore because now it has turned into apathy I think. It's more like I just go with the flow kinda thing, but not really. Anyway(s), I didn't accomplish much during the March break, unfortunately. Depression and lack of motivation (I think that's redundant) have made me idle in front of the laptop doing nothing but surf Reddit. I kinda wish I didn't knew about Reddit while in college. Then again, I've learned a lot thanks to it. I guess I should just learn to have some self-control. But Reddit is just such a cozy place to go to when you're procrastinating. That is until you're out of good subreddits to visit and all the links are purple. That's when the feeling of anxiety starts to kick back in and I feel bad about myself desperately trying to find something on the Reddit to occupy myself and to keep on procrastinating. I'm so funny. I hope I won't be frequenting Reddit as much once I'm out of cegep which hopefully will be this May meaning that I don't fail any of my classes. I hate school and would hate to stay longer than I have to. Which reminds me, I regret not having done summer school. This semester would have been soooo much easier to deal with. Like imagine if I did humanities, english and PE during the summer, I would only have 4 courses to deal with and it would have been so much better. I would have more time to focus on making good portfolio, even though it would be pretty late to start then. Also, I could have more time to spend with friends, family and make more friends at school. Now, I'm just a hermit, but not because I need to study like crazy like those in health science. No, I'm a hermit because I'm stupid and procrastinate and do nothing. It's weird, I haven't been so unmotivated before. Apparently, I have a bad case of senioritis which is a phase students go through at their last year or last semester of high school, college or university in which they lose motivation to keep up with their studies. I feel like I'm making excuses. Anyway(s), one thing for sure: I hate school. Well, more specifically, I hate homework. One of the reasons I look forward to the real world is not having to deal with that crap anymore. And when I say homework, I include research, studying, preparing for an oral presentation, working on a project, etc. Any work that you need to do in your own free time for school. I hate that there's always something hanging on you. You can't really relax because there's always something you gotta work on. I hate that, but I wonder if there'll be more of that sort of thing once I get into the film industry. Well, if there will be, hopefully it won't be 7 different ones that I need to juggle. Oh and I've changed the theme of my little blog. Something much better than the previous one. Okay I think this officially means that I don't have anything more to say. Alright then, time to get back on my oral presentation at 2:54am :)

[lazycock]

Depression

Is it something that you can diagnose yourself? Anyways, something is definitely wrong with me. My motivation has really dropped. I procrastinate a lot more than before. Things haven't been going alright with me. I think stress is eating me away and now it's seriously affecting my grade. It sucks that something like this could cause me to fail classes. I desperately need to fix myself or else I might end up fucking up my whole semester. Gosh, I hope this is the kind of thing that I will one day look back upon as a very small problem that didn't really matter at all. Anyway(s), goodnight folks.

[lazycock]

God my theme is fugly. I deleted my previous posts because they were embarassing… and that was just a year ago… wow. So let’s start again on a monday at 1:21 am.

What’s on my mind? I’m about to graduate with a degree that is worth shit as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully, it might help me find some jobs or interns. I’m kinda worried about what will happen to me in the real world. I just don’t want to turn into a lazy bum freeloading in my parents’ basement… even though that’s what I practically am already lol except, I prefer to refer myself as busy rather than lazy. Maybe I should change this tumblr into Busycock. Even though I’m still a virgin… at 19… soon turning 20… Well this is embarrassing.

No first kiss, no first gf either. I know people would consider me a loser, but I don’t mind too much. I am a loser, but I don’t feel bad about it because I’m working on changing that. I like to think of myself as an underdog.

I’ve always like to think of myself as some sort of hero who will eventually change the world. I’m sure I’m not the only one. If you watched too much movies and tv shows as a kid like I did, you’re bound to think that way about yourself. We all want to be the main character, the protagonist who will fight the evil and save the day, but we’re most likely not gonna become that and that’s okay. I use to hate the idea of being average and ordinary, but now, I’m okay with it. Not that I’ve lowered my expectations about myself. I still believe I’m capable of great things if I work hard for it. It’s just that, in the grand scheme of things, even the great historical figures who’ve changed the world were just ordinary people. They weren’t any more special than the rest of the world. I stopped putting them on a pedestal. In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters and that’s not bad. For me, it’s liberating. It means there isn’t any expectations to meet or some level of greatness that I need to achieve in my life. It’s not like if I don’t become a great amazing person then I’ve “wasted my life.” I use to pressure myself to become amazing, but now it’s starting tone down. I still feel bad whenever I’m not being productive, but not as much as I use to. It’s not a good thing to do to yourself. You won’t become more motivated to be productive by beating yourself up. On the contrary, it’ll just create a vicious cycle where you become less and less productive and more and more depressed. Took me so long to figure that out. Hey, does my rambling make any sense? I don’t feel like rereading the whole thing. Too laz- I mean *ahem* too busy to do that. Yes, too busy indeed. Indubitably.

It’s late, I should go to sleep. I think I’ve written enough for tonight. I’m going to wake up at 6 because I want to have more time to do my work. It’s going to be the third time I’m trying to do that, but even though I place my alarm on the other side of the room, I still jump back to bed. So, this time I’ve placed the alarm in my bathroom. Brilliant, right? Anyway(s), goodnight everybody.