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Girls who cry on public transport club

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boys who wear tiny hoop earrings …,, hello.

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So there’s also H who I dated a while before the summer and I started to like him a bit but then one time we had planned something and he cancelled like 2 hours before because he was tired (I mean that’s a valid excuse but I did a lot for him and he was being so simple about it) so I didn’t initiate anything after so after a while I thought he didnt wanna see me again. End of July I decide to message him cause I’m curious how he’s doing and I wanted to see him again and he answered he’d be in the uk until like the 8th of August and would like to have a beer when he got back. So I wait and wait and didn’t get anything until beginning of September, which made me happy tbh. Then I canceled cause P and E invited me over to Arnhem, then I threw boiling hot soup over my arm so I canceled again and now we have it planned for Monday.. I’m curious how it’s gonna be

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We also have me still thinking about m...

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thennnn we have this weird thing that happened with feminist art fest and im not ready yet to confront it but it does have to do with the weird things that happened with P, E and me. after faf I just started working a lot and since E had said she didn't really look forward to seeing me when we met, I thought I just had to leave her for a while. then she and P confronted me with myself, not being a good friend for not asking how they were doing and not being there for them in general (which is true but also not entirely..) 

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I’ve never had such a turbulent summer in my life, sooo much stuff has happened and I really want to write some of them down but I have no idea where to start

Maybe I should just start with T. So I’ve been dating a guy since May. We met on tinder. He’s from Brazil and he has lived in Amsterdam for 3 years. When we met, the sex was really really good. At one point I thought he liked me a little bit more, making playlists for me and buying me soap from Lush, and I kept telling myself I wasn’t into him that much, until we started spending a lot of time together. We had some really intimate sex in his spare bedroom, with the sunlight beautifully shining onto the bed, and at one point I started crying. He was just so loving and admiring my body so much, knowing so well how to turn me on, and I felt so appreciated in my being (since we also agreed on stuff on many levels). He is a really intriguing person, with 27 years of experience in life, and handsome as hell. I also spent time with his brother who was visiting him for a few weeks, and with his friends. He doesn’t hide me (something I feel B used to do when we were together) and kissing me in public spaces whenever he feels like it, and me kissing him just as much. He compliments me a lot, calling me cute, nice, beautiful, or saying ‘Look at this!!’ with a very high voice whenever I lay in his arms, sometimes naked. I feel like I’ve got so much love to give him, we have to kiss at least every 5 minutes. He’s such an interesting person, knowing a lot and having interesting stuff to tell.

The thing is, he’s moving to London within 3 weeks. He applied for a job and got it (out of 30000 people or something), making a shit load of money.

We’ve had some conversations about how we felt, cause I really needed that, but it was really difficult. I cried multiple times already, unable to find words. He said he might not wanna admit his feelings out of self protection. I think he knows I have feelings for him, but I don’t wanna pressure him too much, since we don’t know each other that long (well, 3,5 months now), plus he’ll be leaving.

It’s weird, cause yes, I really like him, but I’m not even considering the option to stay in contact while he’s in London (even tho he said he’s probably coming back in 5 years). He has invited me to come visit him multiple times, and I hope I will, but at one point we have to say goodbye, somehow I’m so sure about that.

3 days ago me and my roommates threw a house party and he was there as well, and he brought 3 friends as well. I really enjoyed the party, but I was really high on drugs and I don’t remember everything. But I do remember Thiago and I were kissing like 80% of the time, and I remember I wanted to tell him I love him, but I didn’t have the courage, so I told him I care for him. I didn’t wanna put him in a weird position of saying stuff he doesn’t actually feel.

I’m a little bit afraid of what’s coming, but we’ll see...

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so something terrible has happened with the feminist art fest im organizing and god.......... someone is messaging people and spreading rumors about us and its spreading like wildfire. I didn't know people could be so childish 

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Thank you anon for your sexy Thong Thursday submission😍😍😍

Ladies hit the submit button, and submit your pics today! Also kik me your submissions at maddmann100

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so just an update:

I saw B last Sunday. we went to the opera and had some beers afterwards. 

I told him about me possibly being polyamorous. he thought it was weird I'd never felt the courage to tell him earlier cause we always talked about anything.. but he said he might be poly as well, he just hadn't considered it in a serious way like I do now. I came up with it cause we talked about this book. when we started dating I wanted him to read it but that never happened. he ensured me he wants me to be happy and if I want M (or anyone else) in my life, I should just go ahead.

funny thing was that we’re both thinking about having a threesome... weird

we talked about that book because we were talking about how P was visiting B and she showed him her portfolio and there were pictures of me in it and B said he really needed to recover after seeing them (P had told me the same thing before)

we talked about our trip to Lyon and Italy and reminisced together. we also talked a LOT about sex and he mentioned my butt like at least 5 times a minute (which was kinda weird but... hey, thats B.. at least I know he misses my booty)

we cried a lot too. it felt good to reflect together and to see what happened cause everything went to fast. he told me something he also said back in september during his breakdown (”I don’t think it can get any better then this” and with ‘this’ he meant our trip to France) and I told him I still don’t agree and we both cried and cried (and of course I now understand that it didn't need to be better because it was already so good but he just knew he couldn't do it any longer) and he also said that we worked best when he didn’t like school so much (and I know its true)

he also mentioned it was him who broke up with me but I always felt like we did it together and it felt weird that he thought he did it?? idk how I feel about that tbh... (when im REALLY honest.. but I don't like to think about the fact that I possibly just want to keep the honor to myself... but I think I do actually??)

he also said things like ‘if I were studying at the theatre academy of Amsterdam we’d probably be still together and we’d have so much fun’ and ‘maybe, when you live in the south of France with your future husband I'll kidnap you and we’ll try again’.... and its something we’ve been saying to each other a lot and I know it can be very dangerous for me to think that’s gonna happen cause I want to move on and not wait for him or sth

When we walked to the central station together he put me up some stairs like he did when we had our first date and said he wishes me all the luck and happiness in the world and we hugged and kissed.

so thats that with B

so tuesday I had a date with someone I met on tinder (F) and it was so much fun!! he’s really nice and we’re interested in kinda the same things (music) and he dressed really well!! and the sex was good (way better than with A... like waaaaay better) and I think we’ll meet again soon

oh well...

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i dreamt about M this night and god I miss him

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I was going out at radion and I was with my four roommates and I felt so powerful dancing and laughing with P, T and J! T and J were a bit drunk and stoned (a bit more than P and I were(m) and there was a lot of chemistry between J and me but I was so ducking shy (I’d definitely have sex with him if he’d ever ask...) at one moment I really thought we were going to kiss but we didn’t but I just know it’s not just in my head or sth

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i hate that my room has such thin walls my neighbors can hear literally everything... I just want to cry without having to think about crying too loudly

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i also feel bad about A and the sex I have with him cause I don't feel much (except for a liiiiiittle bit of pleasure) cause I'd much rather have sex and also be able to emotionally let that person in... but I also know I’m a sucker for sex (literally lol) even if the sex is really bad but I don't want to be that way

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also somehow I know it’d be better for me if I actually let go of B entirely, and not try to be friends and stuff, I feel like its the only way to not get my hopes up. but of course I don't want to face this cause it is what I NEED but not what I WANT (he’s way too important to me to not be in contact at all)

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the moon loves you even on your bad days

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it doesn't just hurt really really bad, it’s also so fucking hard to do, dealing with it

i don’t regret anything of course but why does heartbreak hurt so much

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i don’t regret anything of course but why does heartbreak hurt so much