leaflovescloud

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, there. I'm now at Artisan on a Tuesday. Guess what, I'm on leave today. Took some time to clean my house. Lot of trash lol. But feeling kinda rewarding after that.

I also booked myself a massage session. And now, I'm just chilling at the cafe while waiting for my appointment. This life is good. I hope one day, I could gain 100% flexibility in driving my work and career. That would be so great.

I think it's a funny feeling that when you finally got the things that you wanted, you suddenly feel like you don't know what to do haha. I don't know, I think after K, or many others, I really that the love that I want will truly find me. The kind of love that I truly long for, like a cup of sweet and spicy chai latte, comforting, spicy with just the right amount of sweetness. Sustainable in the long run.

Did I mention that I reconnect with CC? I think it's funny how life has its way of letting things unfold. The fact that things did not work out for us 8 years ago and then 3 years ago, we never really dated, and now we find each other again.

Now, with me being 30 and him being 31, we are getting to know each other again. Even though we are not dating yet, I do really like how he makes me feel (for now). And I'm willing to give it a try and abandoning the feeling that it may fail. This is my trait, I know I have the tendency to think the worst out of things, especially in a relationship. Maybe I always feel like I don't deserve it, or that I am not good enough for the other party. I think it's quite scary to think that way. But at least now that I am aware of my traits, so I can stop it before I sabotage my relationship.

Now being 30, i honestly learned a lot, after all these times. There are regrets, there are darker times, there are happier times etc - And these make me who I am today. I'm not perfect, and I embrace my imperfections. Each day, I just strive to live a bit better and to live my life with purpose and no regrets. I want to be better.

So let's see where this brings us.

And please let my G11 pass already, lol.

[leaflovescloud]

So I'm currently at G. I wanted to work for a bit tonight. But ended up couldn't work, cos I'm too intoxicated I guess. Their cocktails here are really good.

I don't know. But maybe just feeling certain kind of ways. I don't know.

It's just one of those nights that I really miss J, and again, I did and made a mistake, again and again. Had I not learned...

I feel he may have moved on already.

But recently, quite interestingly, I met CC, at SS lol. After all these years, just so randomly that we bumped into each other. You can't tell me it's not yuan fen right as I believe that everything happens for a reason. Innit?

But again, I have the tendency to romanticize things

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, hello.

I'm now at J&R. Having my red wines.

Feeling kinda complicated - i don't know. I think i deeply am craving for tender, love and care.

And yesterday I thought I may potentially experience the same - But unfortunately, to no avail.

I guess I am just desperate.

is it that hard to meet somone nowadays? I don't know.

But anyways, it's December already. With all those Christmas Playlist - honestly, i do feel quite alone. But what to do?

And the truth is that - i'm a bit bit bit tipsy right now - am I an alcoholic lol.

Anyway, I am very excited to celebrate my dad's birthday this Tuesday.

But uhm, i don't know i guess I am just a bit depressed as we are about to wrap up year 2024.

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, there

I'm now at J&R. Having my cranberry vodka. I just had brunch with C - And well.

Oh hold up a moment - So I met up with C the first time last week. It's quite unexpected. We matched with each other on dating apps few years ago, chatted a bit but never hung out. Subsequently, I ghosted him as well cos I went back to C1.

And it was during one night, when I was obviously under influence - decided to text him out of no where - I thought that on paper, appearance wise, he is my type, and I wanted to try it out - So I made the first move - and the rest is history.

The meet up last week - was interesting. I was legit having butterflies in my stomach - Cos he is actually quite good looking. I flustered a lil bit. We spend some time talking and understanding each other - And I think we left on a good note - I felt very giddy - and was attracted. Then, he asked me out for brunch today.

For some reasons, the conversations today mainly revolves on what I learned this week - leadership course. And I just don't feel as giddy - as attracted. I think because we don't really share much similar interest - things to do outside of work. And I feel like he is at a phase where he needs to figure out things, his career, his life. Not to say I'm ahead of him, but I feel like in terms of maturity - We are not very on par. And again, not to say I'm more mature for sure.

Anyway, enough bout him. I'm actually very proud of myself this week - Survived OFS3 - and more importantly, I realized that I'm a bubbly person - like unintentionally? I'm not sure. And these quirkiness, bubbliness - are actually quite likeable? I didn't know that my energy is / could be infectious to the people around me - It's something that I have never noticed about myself before.

This time around - In group activities - I noticed that I have become more vocal / expressive in expressing my opinions, even though the audience is an unfamiliar crowd. And I'm so so so happy that I could be myself, and use my story to inspire my team mates (though I'm not sure if they are truly inspired).

Apart from that - I noticed that I speak better now - I'm able to articulate better - This is such a good improvement comparing to where I started - Someone with stage fright - someone who was afraid of voicing own opinions.

So, I'd really like to recognize myself for that.

As to other things that I've learned in this week - For instance, Emotional Intelligence - I noticed that this is something that I've been practising very well so far. All thanks to those self-help book, and my active decisions to take charge of the situation - and in terms of self-regulating.

Also, just wanted to give a shout out to myself - for stopping AMC to provide the sales support services - I trusted my instinct - and navigate it pretty well. The ability to recognize that the services may constitute as an agent - I'm just very happy.

I think I'm on the right path - :) I want to continue to manifest goodness.

Oh yeah, my team mates gave me really good feedback too - that sounds quite genuine =)

You know Winnie, I'm proud of you. Really :)

WC

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there

I'm now at Junk Cafe, having my afternoon sip of margarita, and just basically people watching. What a way to spend my Sunday afternoon.

Of course, not forgetting my vape.

I've definitely been drinking more than I should recently. It's either an addiction or a means to numb my feeling I guess.

But anyway, I want to count my blessings and practice gratitude.

I don't own a lot, but also I'm not lacking of anything essentials. But yet, I don't want to feel comfortable, so I guess, I must really thrive to pursue for more.

Sometimes I wonder, if I could choose the life that I want to live in - What would it be? How would it look like?

How I wish I have the capacity to just follow my heart and do what I wish. The inability to do so sometimes makes me feel sad. Hmm

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there :)

I'm now in Coffee Lane, Penang. Just had dimsum with my parents. I don't know why, but it's such a lovely Sunday. Though the Penang's infamous heat is killing me.

And today, I decided to take an off day and recharge :)

Yesterday, I brought my parents out for a dinner at E steak house. Both my dad and I ordered rib eye. I think back then I can never afford to spend without thinking (not saying that I'm able to do so now...), but I feel good that I can take charge and foot the bill. Just like how the old days were, when my dad used to pay for the meal right?

And yeah it was to celebrate my mum's birthday. Ever since she had to do dialysis, she has certain food restrictions, so it's not so easy to find a restaurant that serves food that she can eat.

Funny how I was actually looking forward to the dinner yesterday, been researching about the menu and all. I did look forward to it.

And yesterday, instead of going back home straight, I suggested to have some drinks. My dad said he didn't want, but I knew he wanted it. I mean I wanted it too. At first I wanted to visit Junk Cafe but unfortunately, google maps just brought me to no where. I think I would be quite frustrated because things were out of my control and I didn't get to go where I wanted. But again, I chose to let go and just stopped by a bar by the roadside.

Had 2 cosmopolitan, and it was a good night indeed.

This morning, had dim sum with my parents, and I just feel like it's the perfect way to start my / our day. And I'm just really really grateful for this. I'm counting my blessings.

And I feel like i haven't really addressed my feelings for K. I attempted to this Friday but I guess my bladder was too full to the extent that I couldn't write shit haha. So shall we?

I think in terms of healing, I feel like I'm headed to the right direction. I think I'm just a bit surprised on how well I'm taking this. Is this part of my growth or?

I think it's also just embracing of the art of letting things go and the laws of detachment. I think the rational and logical realizations helped me in braving through this emotional storm a lot. Emotionally speaking, I think i'm doing fine too. Back then, I would have felt that I'm unworthy of love, that I'm not enough and I'm being abandoned. But now, I recognize that I deserve so much more. And in fact, I made the decision and took the action to slowly phasing him out of my life, I honour my self worth and it's truly an act of loving myself.

I don't regret my brief 6 months with him. It's just, I'm disappointed that I didn't recognize red flags or rather traits that don't necessarily align with what I'm looking for at the moment. I was blinded by infatuation. And I had the false impression that "may be I'm okay with this", "may be things will be better", "may be he will love me". But the truth is, he may be able to love me, but the intensity of the love that he can give me, is just so limited. He is a man with a few baggages, with an existing family that I can never be part of it. And I really do want to be included as part of the family. So yeah.

I don't hate him. But I do feel that he knows what he was doing, yet, he decided to string me along despite knowing that he will not be able to provide me with what i wanted. So when he wanted to end things, it was such a huge gesture and indeed he was doing me favour.

Since then, I feel a bit happier, feel a bit lighter. I guess one thing is that, always trust your gut feeling, at least in navigating relationship.

So Chapter K, closed, officially.

I have been watching sex and the city. Ironically, I find it so so so relatable to my current situation. Now, does everything happens for a reason? It just further enhances my experience with K, it also allows me to see where I was at from a third party perspective. And sometimes I feel like Carrie, cos I'm also write, though not a columnist, but rather, just journalling and blogging.

In this city filled with million of people, why is it so difficult to meet someone? Am I being too picky? or did I not put myself out there?

I guess love will find its way to you when you least expect it to happen. For now, I'll just be patient.

I'm manifesting goodness, for goodness to happen, to me and people I love.

Love,

Wins

[leaflovescloud]

Hello

Wooooo, I'm now at TGIF, I mean literally today is Friday as well. Feeling a tad bit tipsy at the moment.

Oh btw, I'm back in Penang. Just landed few hours ago and I'm now spending some time alone with myself, back to how it started.

And I'd like to give some update here.

I finally end things with K, or rather he ended things with me. I knew I could do this no more when it was affecting my daily mood and energy, and my mental health. So I slowly stopped trying, with the intention to phase him off. And last Friday, he called and wanted to end things. It was a 5-minute phone call. He did all the talking, cos I've got nothing to say haha. I mean, I have always tried to communicate my feelings and concerns with him. But as always, my concerns were not really heard or addressed.

And, I actually thought that I would hurt a lot. Hence, previously, I was very afraid to "end" things as I didn't want to go through the heartbreak again. But, as soon as we ended things, once again, I feel much more lighter and happier. I knew that it was weighing me down and dimming my light. It didn't align with my values anymore.

Hence, I'm particularly thankful that he ended things. He was doing me a favour really. And I'm also glad of how things turned out. I guess, everything happens for a reason.

Now, I have all the reasons to focus on my career right.

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, June

I'm currently at Birch, DC Mall. Just did a spin class and I'm just having my late lunch now.

How am I feeling today? Well, pretty peaceful, pretty contented.

Last night, or may be since few weeks ago, I've been heavy drinking over the weekend by myself. Like I literally would finish a bottle of soju and few beers by myself. I think to a certain extent, I was trying to numb these feelings, these unwanted feelings. I know something is bothering me. One is K, one is my career.

Career -

It's not moving the way I wanted it to be. Though I think I have successfully built my reputation. But in order for me to progress further, unfortunately, I have to do G11. Which is something that I aspire to complete this year. Now, we are just few steps away from H2, honestly, I think it's quite hopeless now.

I must do something about it. I've been sitting on it for way too long. To a certain extent, i think I've been avoiding it, just like my old self eh?

Apart from G11, one thing is also that I want to continue to sharpen my skills so that I can be a better legal counsel / attorney. I reckon that I may not be the most booksmart person. But I'm willing to put in the hours. Let's do it.

Fitness wise -

I think I've been slacking, so I feel I've gained a few pounds. Also feel a bit more wobbly and flabby. Largely also because I've been eating a lot and snacking a lot. It's funny, cos I really don't want to restrict myself, but it's always a fine line between eating intuitively and binging uncontrollably. I hope I can regain some control in this respect.

Tik Tok -

You know apart from my day to day job, it's been on my agenda to start a side hustle. I honestly not sure how I want to do it. But may be just for my hobby and passion, I'm slowly posting more food content on my tik tok. Not that anyone sees it or what, but just for my own contentment as well. Hopefully one day it can grow into something big. I should totally do something about puns....

K -

It's been about 6 months since we knew each other and may be about 3 months we've been consistently seeing each other? Time indeed flies? Funny thing is also how we are moving quite steadily. And we actually don't have the so called "honeymoon period" LOL. Probably because we don't see each other as often and don't spend enough time? I'm not sure.

I used to be that person who requires a lot of privacy and I was so comfortable being alone and spending time with myself. Even when we first started dating each other, I was quite anxious that I may lose my alone time. But the truth is, we actually don't get to see each other that often as well. Partially because of my working hours, partially because he's got his own commitment, needa spend time with his son and family, work etc.

And I never thought I'd be longing to see or spend time with someone. May be, just may be, I'm in love with him? Honestly, I really am not so sure.

Just few weeks ago, I thought I wanted to end things. Because I feel like I truly deserve better? Like someone who can give me his 100%? With him, the fact is also that I will never be No.1. And when I finally attempted to end things, I realized that it actually hurt. Of course, not something that time cannot heal, but part of me was just so afraid of experiencing heartbreak all over again. It seems like sticking to the current relationship may be better?

We then had a talk at Enoteca. I was really upset that day, also because of work. And he could probably sense it, we had a talk and I immediately felt better after that. One thing that I see growth in me is that, I am more vocal and expressive about my feelings. And I am also less reactive. Instead, I really try to communicate. When I'm not feeling the best, I also learn to communicate instead of giving cold treatment. So this is something that I really need to give credits to myself.

He also bought me a bottle of perfume. Actually, I don't really need the perfume. Initially I just said I wanted it to see if he is willing to give or sort of gauge where I stand in his heart. I'm glad that he did and I really like it.

I know he is a practical person and not those romantic kind. So if I really want him to do something, I will need to let him know and not to expect that he will do it.

Entering into this relationship, I feel like a lot of times, I need to be quite self-sufficient, independent, understanding - Whereas may be with someone else, I can be taken care of? Being pampered?

At the end of the day, it depends on what I need right.

On the other hand, I also feel like I want to care for him more as well. Want to take care of him...

Anyway -

Since last Saturday, I've been doing massive cleaning for my place. And it's quite clean now, I'm quite happy. At least, it cleared off my headspace too. Now I want to focus on making it cleaner and cleaner. Also bought a plastic drawer and I can't wait to assemble it.

Jiayou win win

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, April.

I can't believe that we are entering Q2 already. Time indeed flies.

I'm currently in BB, KD. It's a Sunday and yeah of course I'm working. But it's been a really chill week for Eid. And I managed to workout almost like everyday.

It feels weird that my life is not so occupied with work anymore. Instead, I have much more free time to do things that I like, or even spending time with my friends. I'm indeed grateful for that.

But at the same time, I'm also feeling anxious and lost as to my career progression. So my G11 is not progressing at all and that really worries me.

Clearly, I need to do something.

Is it true that I can't have everything at once? Hmm.

Anyway, other than career progression, I don't have anything to complain about. I mean, I'm truthfully happy, I guess. At least, I feel more attune to my inner self now.

Speaking of that, I've been acting very impulsively, doing things that I'd normally overthink a lot - piercing(s) [emphasis added].

So, in the span of 2 weeks, not only I got a piercing, but I got 4 piercings LOL. Tel me that's not impulsive.

So I got double helix, one ear lobe piercing and also a nostril piercing. That's actually very insane to me. But I'm just feeling empowered at this point as in I don't want to run away from my fear anymore. Instead, I want to honour what I truly want to do and really just do it and trust the moment.

And the fact is that I really do feel good about it. And I'm glad that I managed to empower people around me to do the same too. I hope empower is the right word, or rather, may be enabling them to do it, haha.

Speaking of that, i just want to highlight something. I think back then, I spent too much time overthinking and just worrying about things, that haven't even happened, and gradually I got consumed by the ideas and the fear that I created for myself, and that's what stopping me to achieve things.

I realized this traits about me because of K, of course. I mean, in life, I still need to be careful, be thoughtful, be thorough and logical. But sometimes, there are certain things that I can truly just listen to my heart and just do it. And I like that about myself.

Because of that, I feel powerful and I feel I'm ready to execute challenges.

Learning how to detach from the expectations is also very important. Often times, I find myself being upset when things are not going my way. For instance, I think I may be a bit affected or resentful when K didn't really "deliver" what he said he would, for instance, promise ring and bracelet. Or at least, I feel like he represented that he would get those for me?

And what I would do last time is probably keep on prompting him, and i think eventually he will buy it. But right now, I'm actually nonchalant about it, just because, I don't know, considering the circumstances, honestly I don't know I'm asking for gifts in what capacity. I'm not so sure about the role that I'm playing - Is it just someone that he is seeing right now and that's it?

And truthfully, I think the gifts will be more meaningful if it's comes from him without me prompting him. I would definitely appreciate that more. But aha, I don't think he is romantic kinda guy, in fact, I think he is quite practical.

And once again, I ask myself this - At this age and stage, I think I'm quite enlightened in terms of life lessons, and I think I like this version of myself, mature though still playful. And I feel like I'm ready to love and be a good partner. But I'm also kinda scared that I'm compromising my own needs and standards at the same time.

I think I'm just gonna give us a bit more time probably until June. I do hope that we can build a future together and support each other. But I really don't know if he is the right guy.

There are just a few things that are quite alarming and I really don't want to down play the significance of it - (i) 15 years older (ii) divorced (iii) with kid. This is something that I have never encountered before. I don't exactly think it came as a shock for me - because truly after all these things, what else could shock me?

And I appreciate the qualities in him, and how he is aspired to be a good father too. And I have no issue with that.

It's just we won't be like the couple going through the conventional path - For eg, being alone in the weekends....

I don't know if I should be involved in a relationship that has so many uncertainties.

I want a partner that I can grow together, and do things together.

Hmm.

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there, I'm now at Antipodean, Gurney Central. What a hot day. I can't believe that they are relying on just fan here. I mean outdoor concept is great, but may be not in Penang lol.

Anyway, I plan to do a bit of work today. But before that, I also just wanted to update a lil bit of my life recently.

So following my last update, Jackie visited me, for a good 2 weeks. Time flies. I remembered I was counting down the day that he would be going back, and there we go - He's gone now.

I think, It's truly crazy of how both of us are still fundamentally the same. Of course, we each have been through hella significant life events. We have both matured (though I feel I matured more haha).

And the question pops - Whether we try again?

And the answer is - No. It's a mutual decision.

I think I'm at this age where I don't listen to my heart anymore. But instead, there is a lot of logical factors that I take into considerations. Honestly, I don't quite this version of myself. I like the impromptu, spontaneous me. But well, I guess this is what happened when you grow a bit older.

But as much as I want to say, it was a conscious mature decision after taking into account the circumstances - I figured, if I truly love him, why can't I make it happen? Is it because I don't love him enough, or has it always been the case? I don't know.

And recently, my tik tok feed is full of Avoidant attachment kinda post - Which reaffirms a lot of who I am as a person. I find it very scary.

It was the physical insecurity I guess - Otherwise, I would really like to be a wholesome girl, just like what everyone envisioned me to be.

I'm born different, and this is something that can't be changed.

Sometimes, I would rather be single, without any guys / chasers. I feel that way I feel equally contented as well. And I think 2023 has been a year like that. Whatever butterflies, I just push away. To the extent that i didnt care about my appearance, and didnt know if I m attractive or not anymore.

This January, or rather after Lombok, was the first time that i picked up myself after so long. Finally put in some effort to dress up and look presentable. Of course, got a lot of stares.

But still, I wish I'm just like a normal girl.

Maybe everything happens for a reason.

Maybe the Universe wants me to be extra strong. Idk.

W

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there

I think it's pretty impressive that I've been maintaining this safe space for me since 2019? Or even way before. Looking back at some of the entries that I have written, it definitely brings back memories.

Recently, something happened. Something that I never would have imagined - J e-mailed me, out of the blue and out of no where. Just, telling me that he missed me.

What in the world?

I was perplexed, out of words, feeling kinda hot flashed.

Isn't it what I've been longing for?

Honestly, when it comes to relationship - As much as I do think about it occassionaly, I've never actually thought about it. Perhaps, I feel like I'm not actively looking for one at the moment yet, or may be I just feel that there are too many things that I need to work on, or may be I just feel like I want to work on my career at the moment.

And this, happened. We are so far apart, last spoken was about 3 years ago. We each had different life, we each had dated different people. And 3 years ago, we reconnect with each other again. More crazily, he is also coming to visit me in Malaysia in January. Come on, are you serious?

It's like it came so fast, right?

As much as I feel this is something worth celebrating, and I think people who heard about this will not be able to stop romanticizing it, cos it literally feels like it's something out of the movie. But there is also this fear that I'm feeling within me, that would open up a can of worms, the insecurities that I have for myself.

I have no idea why, of all times, this chose to be happening right now. Everything happens for a reason? Right?

What does the universe trying to tell me?

I always tell people that, I truly regretted in how I behaved in my previous relationship with him. I always said that I truly let someone really good go. I am always in a grief / remorse some sort.

And now, this happened.

May be I should just be fearless, and take it. Cross the bridge as it comes.

May be it's the right thing to do.

Apart from this, starting from May / June, I have been preaching for my G11 project. Of course, throughout the way, I was stuck between conflicting agendas by different functions, and it was so hard for me to proceed. At one point, I was even disheartened that this may not be a project anymore.

And now, it has become the reality.

What I preached has become the reality. I think may be I should be proud of my actions, how consistent and persistent I was. May be this is something that I should be really proud of myself.

I think moving forward, I must stop belitting myself and confining myself in such a limited belief. I must believe that I am able to do more, and I should push myself for it.

I want you to feel good about yourself, Winnie. You deserve everything best.

On a side note, I'm also very excited of my upcoming trip to lombok. Let's go! =)

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, hello

Again, it's been awhile. I'm current at Spita, alone. Sometimes I wonder, why could I just hangout alone all the time LOL. Like, I'm so good with just myself.

I went for a massage this afternoon. Well, it's pretty good, like RM78 well spent. It's 60 mins + 15 mins. So I thought it's quite a steal.

I then went to have F2F noodles, my all time favourite. It tastes so simple, but fantastic, just like home-cooked food. I'm grateful for that. Later, I went to TG mall to work on my G11 project.

Honestly, this is another thing that really stressing me out. Like why can't this go my way LOL, why do I have to fight for it so badly? Should I just keep believing that good things will happen to me? I don't know. But I will do what I can now.

I also want to spend my night here in Spita to do some self cleansing. Of course, I also want to drink haha. Been feeling so stressful lately, and I seem to have relied on alcohol a lil bit too much. But nothing too excessively. Like I just want to have one or two drinks to relieve the accumulated stress.

I also bought a pain au chocolat. I really do hope I got the opportunity to learn some foreign language, I do think I have some talent over there.

Life lately, hmm, basically, been so hectic. I can only hope that good things will happen.

I guess despite the current circumstances, Im grateful that, I have the capacity to cope the way im coping now.

I also quite like my new therapist.

WC

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there

Currently, I’m at Caveman Cafe @ TGM. It’s my first time here. Well I really don’t want to have the 2nd cup of coffee today, but well, I want to force myself to be productive, even though I really don’t want to as well. I think I just feel burnt out? But weirdly, I don’t think I do that much or work that much as well. Isn’t it strange? 

Anyway, I just went for a massage, I just felt I needed it. Then I had korean food. It’s already such a blessing that I manage to do both of these. And yes I’m really thankful for that. 

Before I get some work done, I really just wanna ventilate some of my thoughts here. I don’t know, I feel anxious and basically, unhappy? But that wouldnt be accurate. Like I’m not happy nor I’m unhappy. It’s just indifferent with a lot of anxiety. It’s so shitty to feel that there’s something wrong with me. 

Career wise, ok, I think I’ve got the recognition that I crave for. But, I think I have so much to say. First, I’m worried that I bite more that I can chew. You know like how you oversell something and ended up over killing it? I’m terribly afraid of that. Second, I hate changes. I didn’t know I’ve been in my comfort zone until B asked me if I could take up KSA and have HR to take over CHG. 

I notice how I’m so ...attached to my GU and that’s something really strange, to the extent that I didn’t want to switch GU if possible. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can escape that at the moment. I think I’m still trying to learn how to deal with it. I think it’s because it’s not easy to find people whom I’m aligned with, where the working chemistry is fantastic. And at the end of the day, you are on the same page with them and want to get things done. 

So, that’s the short term picture. What I fail to see, is the longer term one. 

Do I want to stay in CHG forever? And it’s true that the exposure in CHG alone will not be suffice for me to be recognized at a higher level. So I guess, I really have to swallow it, and be tougher this time. I can only hope that KSA is not that bad and I won’t be destroyed. Hang in there you got it. 

Also I’m really sleepy right now for some reasons. 

Speaking about parents, they were both here last weekend. We went to genting together. And before that, I was also having the biggest anxiety in my life. So worried that bad things will happen. And I just couldnt be more thankful that everything went well. And it’s a trip that I too thoroughly enjoyed. Again, as I always said, I can only pray for goodness to be continued. 

Winnie, I really really want you to be tough and strong. To overcome all these. I need strength, like a lot of em. 

I want to brush up on my technical and legal skills as well. 

Do you think i have the urge to be irreplaceable? May be right... 

[leaflovescloud]

Hello

It’s insane how time flies, and it’s definitely been awhile since the last time I checked in here. I’ve been relying on a physical journal instead, carry it with me whenever possible, and it’s slowly becoming one of my habits. 

Today, is unfortunately one of those days where I really want to be in a dark room and cry & scream the shit out of me. I want to scream so loud till I couldn’t hear myself, I want to throw things around, I want to break things, I want to be out of control. 

Today is also the day that I’m not the “nice” girl, I feel like I’m impatient, a little mean even. I am short on my temper, easily annoyed and yeah, things don’t feel like they are within my control.

And here I’m in Spita, gonna sit on my cranberry vodka, I just feel like, I need a drink. As much as I don’t want to rely on alcohol to numb my nerves and mind, I decided to do it today. I just feel like I’d really feel like shit if I decided to go back just now. So I hope I make the right decision. 

My mind is so messy, I feel like things are out of my control, I’m dealing with very very severe body image issue, BED, anxiety, mild depression. And with each circumstance hitting me like a rock thrown to me, I feel like I’m slowly resorting to what the old Winnie would do, and just got consumed by the inner voice that I hear. 

And it really does make me ponder - Why is living ..so hard? 

And as soon as I say this, I feel very entitled and ungrateful. That’s why I feel conflicted. Like I want to be that nice girl, but I’m not so nice anymore. 

It’s a very terrible feeling. 

Oh wait, I instantly feel better now after my cranberry vodka. Yums. 

I feel like I’m living in guilt. 

Like there are so much pent up feeling just slowly encroaching my sacred territory. Maybe I feel like there are so many things that I want to do, but it’s not within my capacity, or it is within my capacity but I choose not to do because I’m selfish... 

Guilt, is a scary thing. Very very scary. 

let’s list out first, what makes me feel really bad.

- not being there with Mum; 

- not being able to contribute to NKF; 

- nightmare of my sister leaving me; 

- snippets of my accident scenes flashing back during massage session; 

- not financially independent, like i really have to worry a lot... 

- me, being a very imperfect person, so imperfect that, it makes me feel almost impossible to be loved... 

Funny thing is, despite the above, I’m still trying to be that person for others, I want people to rely on me whenever they’re stuck in their own viscious cycle. Because I was in there and I know how dark and lonely it is, I want to provide comfort, I want to provide a safe space, but in so doing, I really wish I have someone that I can count on, I really wish I have a safe space to ventilate too. But I’m still dealing with expressiveness, the only space that I feel comfortable in - is journal (whether it’s digital and physical). Because this is really a space where, there won’t be any reply, any suggestions, any feedback... But a space for you to shit it out, and it will be there to listen, quietly. It has its pros & cons of course.  

But also I think I have too much of a hard time to try trusting a person. I think deep inside I don’t believe that anyone could be there for me. 

Honestly, I’m really at the verge of collapsing. LOL 

I think being vulnerable is really a very hard thing to do, being vulnerable with yourself, with your feelings, and it’s really during those times that I feel the weakest. So weak that I could easily be blown away (no pun intended). 

Plus, my health is also what really concerns me. I’m very that I may have PCOS... It’s insane. And I’m so afraid to get it checked. But I really should. Next thing that worries me - if I got PCOS, can I afford the medical expenses... 

That’s why things like this really make me hate myself a lot. 

I’m not earning enough. Am I too greedy to want more? 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

Dear Universe, 

How are you? It seems like it’s been awhile since the last time we had a conversation. 

It’s been a minute. 

My mind is like a messy pot right now, and something just keep stirring and stirring. 

You know since March, I thought I was at a really good place. You know, positive energy, positive people and positive vibes. For the first time I thought I got my shit together, like I regained full control of my life. I was living the life that I manifested (even not in a luxurious sense). But I was contented, I was really happy and I was glowing. 

Then recently, I would say probably late June, something is off - not sure why is that. But for sure I’ve been feeling a little bit meh lately, and really low energy. I feel like I’m losing control again. 

Mum got diagnosed with CKD - stage 5. It’s the most severe stage of all. That would explained her high blood pressure, dizziness and weight loss. I never see it coming. Honestly, I’ve been focusing so much on rebuilding myself and I realize I didn't put much effort on my parents. 

I’m now about 27 years - that means 27 years have passed in them as well. They devoted their 27 years in raising me, providing for me. 

And it’s so scary that - It’s only when I’m at the verge of losing them, I’ve been seeing multiple flashbacks of the memories we had when I was young. The things that we used to do, when we were still poor... 

Dear Universe, sometimes I do question - why do things happen to me? Why am I the chosen one to brave through the storms? Why not the others? Why do I have to constantly be strong for myself? 

Life is unfair? 

It’s us the selected one have to put on the “special lens” where we have to view things in a more positive manner, because if we don’t, we will be miserable. But why are we being chosen to be miserable at the first place. Is it true that everything happens for a reason? Really? 

I’m so scared that everything in my life is about to fall apart. Something that I spend some time and effort to rebuild. My biggest fear will be fear of losing. Really. 

But I think what Chery mentioned few weeks ago makes a lot of sense. 

I can build the life that I want anytime, but there’s just this much time left to spend with my parents. I wouldn’t be who I am today if not for them, they brought me to life, and they provided for me. 

Looking at my household situation, it’s quite a blessing that I’m able to live my current life actually. I get to attend university and graduate. Got a decent job for now and have travelled to multiple countries. 

Carry your own weather - learned about this quote recently during 7 habits workshop. May be everything does happen for a reason. 

This time, not only I have to be strong for myself but I have to be strong for Mum as well. It’s really tough but I know I can do it. 

Because it’s something that I can’t change at all. But I do have control of how things gonna navigate from thereon. Let’s make the most out of it. I know you can do it, girl. You got this. 

Dear Universe, I really need your help in this. There’s only this much that I can do, I really need your help. I need all the courage to brave through this storm. and I can’t do it alone. 

I’m manifesting. I’m manifesting goodness to come. I’m manifesting abundance. I’m manifesting good health for both of my parents, my sister and myself of course. 

I will keep manifesting. 

Love, Winnie 

[leaflovescloud]

Morning

Morning, hun. 

I guess wanna do a random update here :)

In term of mental health, I think I’m heading to a right direction. Been manifesting good intentions, surrounding myself with good people, good vibes and good energy. I’ve been feeling quite happy and relieved. 

It’s just last night when I re-read our conversations, I almost couldn’t believe it happened? Like our relationship state at the time was really deteriorating to its ultimate core. It was so so so scary. It was full of toxicity. I was losing my self identity, there was no dignity within me. I was drowned in this so called love that I told myself, and have allowed myself to be destructed, therefore causing more pains for both of us. 

Maybe he’s right, my mind was already so warped at the time. But I know it wasn’t me, it wasn’t caused by me, it was really caused by a series of events, it was long accumulated, therefore I had a really really negative mindsets - that’s not not not me at all. 

Sometimes I’m kinda angry at myself - Why does it take so long for me to understand that he is not the right guy for me? Being with him was consuming my energy and I was turning into the Winnie that I have no idea who the hell she is. Why did I try so hard when knowing perfectly well that it won’t work at the end of the day. Well, for this, I guess I’ve to give it to both of us, no matter what, I know he did try to make things work too. But he and I both, I think we’re like two same side of magnetic pole, like the closer we’re being put together, the further we would repel from each other. 

Revisiting our conversations really feels like a nightmare. and I had one after that. I think I just hope I can forgive myself for being such a toxic person. 

Anyway, I also got another tattoo. I’m kinda happy whenever I explained my tattoos to people, they seemed to be perfectly delighted by the meanings behind it. Cos well, I mean I really did put in some thoughts in refining the designs etc. So I’m kinda happy for that :p

Been hanging out with a lot of people recently, of course, really nice people, good energy as well. I think I’ve slowly accepted that, I’m not lonely, and perhaps very soon, I don’t need to fill up my weekend by hanging out with different people. Cos I think I’ll be fine being with myself, and myself only. But through hanging out with them, I really also learned a lot about myself, and how I am as a person in front of my friends. I really just wanna do better. Be a better friend, and be there for them when needed. I don’t think I get to do that when I’m taken? Like I will have my priority at the time? So just wanna take this time to do whatever I could. 

Was hanging out with Chery for about half of the day yesterday. It was tiring but also so much fun. I think we’re actually vibin’. It’s really nice to have a good gurlfren sort of? 

As to J, lol, I’m very conflicted. I feel like I like him more as a friend, like a nice friend to hang out with, but may be not so much on a romantic sense? But we almost slept together. Almost because, I think after a while he fell asleep cos he was so buzzed LOL. Sometimes I hate myself for allowing this to happen. I don’t wanna change the dynamic between us actually. I don’t exactly think he’s my type. But I told myself maybe I should try something different? I don’t know lol. He seems like a really nice person, but we’ll see. 

Hung out with hy the other day, and he told me that I’m a cat person (not in a traditional sense). Anyway, he is really a man full of wisdom lol if you asked me. 

Dear Winnie, please be strong. Please understand that unpleasant things have happened in the past, and that you’ve turned into a person that you despise so much. But now, everything’s over. You won’t have to subject yourself in that endless loop of despair, fear and disappointments anymore. This time, it’s really your time to shine, to rejuvenated, to regenerate and to be alive. Take this time to properly priortise yourself and be a better person. With that, like attracts like, and you’ll eventually meet someone who is able to love you the way you wanted to be love, and vice versa. 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

I’m just feeling so good now. I’m slowly regaining back the power and control. And I want to do my best self. Manifesting it :）

And I want to spread this positivity to people around me as well. 

Let’s do this. You go gurl :)  

WC