learningpoly

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[learningpoly]

Boost!

Hey everyone! I would really appreciate it if you fellow poly people can reblog this so we can become mutuals and bounce thoughts/idea and just be able to talk to one another when we need it. Thanks guys!

[learningpoly]

just a shout out to all the closeted polyamorous people out there. pls reblog so that they can see this. it’s important to let them know that they’re accepted.

[learningpoly]

It’s called ‘compersion.’ It’s kind of the opposite of schadenfreude, meaning you derive happiness from your partner’s happiness. Instead of getting upset or jealous, when you see your partner getting involved with someone new, you are excited for them and excited vicariously through them.

Becky Koski, a 30-year-old from Anchorage, Alaska, who has been in polyamorous relationships for over a decade.

The truth about polyamourry explained 

(via micdotcom) That’s a really good explanation, actually.

(via thefinalmanifesto)

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Probably the biggest hassle in being polyamorous and pregnant crops up when it’s time to deal with the birth certificate. (Yup, legal messes are always the worst kind.) In this case, it’s the issue of paternity.

First off, and to the best of my knowledge, as long as you aren’t legally married to anyone, you can do pretty much whatever you want with the birth certificate. Leave father blank until you have get a DNA test, put your primary down, put the partner your new baby looks like down, seriously, if you aren’t married, whoever you say is the father, is the father.

If you are legally married, then it can get complicated. (Disclaimer – I am not a lawyer, I do not know the law throughout the US, never mind the world. I have given birth in two different states, and know poly people in a few other states, and so far this issue seems very common.) Y’see, some, if not all, states, have this rule that if you are married, your legal husbands name goes on the birth certificate automatically. It’s possible you were artificially inseminated by your second male spice, to be sure that he would be the father – and you still need to jump through hoops to prove it. (My last child, my husband and I had been separated for three years, he lived half the country away and we were in the middle of a divorce – they still wanted to put his name down.)

So, if you are married, and either don’t know who the father is, or know it wasn’t your husband, what are you’re options?

Option 1: Save up for DNA testing. Yes, there are DNA tests you can get for $30 dollars through the mail – for this, they don’t count. DNA testing that will be accepted as legal evidence can run up to several hundred dollars (we paid $400 6 years ago). Save the money, inform the hospital ahead of time that you will be having the test done, and then jump through the legal hoops and forms after the birth to get the certificate straightened out.

Option 2: Amniocentesis – there is a way of testing DNA through an amnio.Obviously, all the possible side effects apply, it is probably more expensive then regular testing, though if you need to have an amnio for health reasons, you may be able to tack the DNA test on with out much extra cost. Big advantage: when the clerk shows up in your room after labor to take care of the birth certificate, you have the papers proving paternity right there.

Option 3: Put your husbands name down and don’t worry about it. You can get the $30 test later just to know what the medical history is, and otherwise who cares, you are all parents together anyway. Upside – cheapest option with the least hassle. Downside – emotional impact of the biological father of your child not being acknowledged as the legal father, or not being certain who the bio father is. Some men won’t care, some will – a lot.

Biggest biggest thing – don’t be blindsided. Happened to me twice, cuddling new baby, happily enjoying motherhood and not a care in the world – bam legal shit. You can speak with a lawyer, your local health department, or the birth registrar at the hospital about what the rules are for your state, so you know in advance what you are getting into.

Once again, full marriage equality is to protect children. Multiple paternity is a necessity for modern societies, given the complex families constructed by even monogamous heterosexual couples, let alone polycules.

[learningpoly]

The legal and financial benefits of common-law relationships and marriage should not be limited to only heteronormitive monogamous relationships. 

[learningpoly]

Just like sexuality and gender, polyamory and monogamy are part of a spectrum. That’s right, this isn’t binary either. Turns out life usually isn’t black and white.

On one extreme end of the spectrum, you have someone who’s strictly monogamous….

[learningpoly]

We definitely need more awareness

*tries to come out at possible polyamorous telling friends that this path feels so right to me and solves so many issues I have had with relationships in my past* "You’re just young." "You just have commitment issues." "You just haven’t found the right one.” "I guess you don’t have to be in a committed relationship at your age." *blargh*

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I’d like 2015 to be the year of good and accurate Polyamory representation. 

[learningpoly]

Happy New Year! Best wishes to you and your polycule (whatever the form) for 2015!

[learningpoly]

Wishing all the best to your and yours this season! <3

[learningpoly]

How to Make It Work - Tools for Healthy Polyamorous Relationships

1. Tell the Truth. Lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on honesty. Honesty isn’t hard and it’s a good habit. Bite the bullet, tell the truth. If your relationship can’t weather it, you are in the wrong relationship; but it probably can. Telling the truth is easier than lying, all rumor and myth to the contrary. Lies are a lot of work. They weigh you down and isolate you. Small lies get lonely and seek out bigger lies. Don’t ask one lover to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets may not be lies but they breed lies. Secrets build walls and discourage intimacy. Know the difference between privacy and secrecy.

2. Know Yourself. This is the most important tool and sometimes the hardest to find. Spend quality time with yourself and find out what you’re like. Most people never do. Learn to tell when you are moody or unreasonable or defensive or hyper-sensitive or blinded by New Relationship Energy. Know your limits. Discover where you could do better. Learn what’s healthy for you and what’s not. Figure out what your priorities really are. Learn when to take a walk and cool off.  3. Take Care of Yourself. Work on you. “Grow your own garden in your own soul, don’t wait for someone else to bring you flowers.” Instead of looking to other people for validation or satisfaction or happiness, learn to make it yourself. This is a vitally important skill for living. You will always be at other people’s mercy - until you learn to satisfy your own needs. Once you do, you gain a freedom and confidence that can never be taken away. You can meet people as equals and choose to enjoy each other instead of carefully exchanging needs in a scarcity-driven emotional economy. Ironically, people find this kind of independence very attractive.  4. Take Responsibility. Own your feelings. No one can make you sad or angry or happy either, they are your emotions. They exist in your head and nowhere else. You own them. You. There are always choices. Accept that sometimes you feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of the people or events in your life. When you make someone else accountable for your feelings, your dis-empower yourself.  5. Encourage Growth. Remember to care about your lovers as human beings. Support them in advancing their careers, spiritual pursuits, educations and ambitions. At their own pace and in their own way. Help them to heal and understand themselves better. Encourage them to take time by themselves and give them the space they need. Help them cultivate strength. Ask them to do the same for you but tell them how; they can’t read your mind. One way to encourage growth is to give those you love the freedom to love others.  6. Respect. Respect is a form of love. Respect yourself, set limits and boundaries and respect those of other people. Know how and when to clearly say `no’ and how to listen when others say `no’. Never tolerate abuse. You deserve better. Remember to be polite to your partners, they deserve it even more than the stranger down the street.  7. Communicate. If you want a healthy relationship, strong communication skills are a necessity, not a luxury. Trouble usually starts when talking stops. Things come up all the time that have to be worked through patiently and lovingly, even when you’re having a bad day. It gets easier over time, but it takes work and a willingness to break up scar tissue and tear down walls. Communication skills are what make a person a good lover.  8. Attitude. Having tools isn’t enough, you have to really want to use them. Ya gotta wanna. Your disposition will make it work or blow it. Find a way for everyone to win. Make important decisions unanimous. Shine a positive light on difficult situations too; many relationships wither from negative energy. Don’t turn little things into big things. Look for solutions, not someone to blame. Practice tolerance, patience, flexibility, generosity, understanding, forgiveness. Learn to apologize. Laugh at yourself. 

[learningpoly]

I firmly believe that not everyone is “naturally poly,” nor that polyamory is somehow better or more enlightened than monogamy. HOWEVER, I do think that people should be giving quite a lot of thought to what actually works for them.

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by Charles Huss

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everybody’s like “hannah!!! whats the hard part of being in a three-person poly relationship??? is it the jealousy????”

and i’m like. no. no my friend. the hard part is TAKING CUTE SELFIES OF THREE PEOPLE WITHOUT CUTTING SOMEONE’S FACE IN HALF