learningtolivewmyself

[learningtolivewmyself]

The truth is i dont have enough social energy to develop any kind of relationship. I never have.

[learningtolivewmyself]

Nor for me

Massive inertia of 16 years since college

Idk how you get free of that. Hope is self-delusion at this point.

sometimes staying in one place actually takes more energy than allowing yourself to move forward

[learningtolivewmyself]

everything eats at my heart

[learningtolivewmyself]

might fuck around and walk into a thick fog and never return idk

[learningtolivewmyself]

STAND BY ME (1986) dir. Rob Reiner

[learningtolivewmyself]

girl shocked to discover that inaction can have consequences too

[learningtolivewmyself]

it's so funny when it affects you long-term

[learningtolivewmyself]

Since I'm therapist-posting recently:

Legitimately self-compassion is the biggest mental health life hack of all time. I'm NOT talking about self-esteem. You do NOT have to like yourself one bit. You don't have to believe that you're a good person who deserves good things. You just have to believe that you're a person who deserves the things all people deserve.

You can't get from "I'm the Worst" to "I'm a worthy and lovable person" without passing through "I'm just a regular fuckup like everybody else."

Try it on. If you're really addicted to being mean to yourself, you can start by framing it as I'm Not Special. Embrace being a regular fuckup like everybody else.

[learningtolivewmyself]

I hope that one day you are able to look back and think to yourself that you are glad you didn't give up.

[learningtolivewmyself]

I want to be the person looking on lol

whats that kink called that you get from reading too much fantasy lit as a child that makes you want to be tortured in front of someone who loves you so you can see the pleading desperation in their eyes and hear how much they love you in between the cracks of their voice and really truly believe they would do anything to save you. also you get to look so cool and brave and covered in blood and soooo able to withstand pain haha no just me? ok

[learningtolivewmyself]

Well, I hardly trust anyone especially men. So I may never know if I'm demi. Or just ace. I won't feel attraction unless I have a deep relationship with a man?? Well that's not happening so I'm effectively ace.

*except--

Maybe the trust comes in when someone is vulnerable. I feel like I can trust them if they're the ones vulnerable and I'm the caretaker. Maybe this is why the only time I get any sort of -- attraction? Is when I see them in a vulnerable state. Which is only on tv at this point lol. Weird thing where if a man is good looking aesthetically, and then he gets beaten up, tortured, etc, I suddenly develop attraction? For him. And it may even be bound up w romance.... bc the Best whumpy scene of like the best looking man (...!) Caused me to have a dream-- not a sexy dream, but one where he proposed to me. By the side of a lake. Best dream.

Why am I like this and is anyone else

?

demisexuality can be so hard to explain because it’s misconstrued as you just wanting to trust the other person before you have sex with them. and I get why the misconception happens. But demisexuality differs in that there isn’t sexual attraction at all before that bond forms.

I think what people have difficulty with is the idea that there are people out there who aren’t experiencing sexual attraction at all until a certain point, if ever, because we’re taught that sex, libido, and sexual attraction are all the same, both in and out of queer spaces.

And when you’re learning about asexuality and demisexuality, you may learn that people have romantic and aesthetic attraction separately from sexual attraction, and that sexual and romantic attraction aren’t necessarily intertwined, and that may challenge your worldview on sex.

But “I trust you enough to have sex with you” isn’t the same as “I’m not sexually attracted to anyone but you, and the reason I’m sexually attracted to you now after we’ve established this close bond is literally because of the bond of trust we’ve been able to form”.

It’s easy to see how those can get conflated. On the surface, if you’re unfamiliar with asexuality, they may sound the same. But it’s important to acknowledge the difference between “no sex until I trust you” and “no sexual attraction unless I trust you and maybe not even then”.

Demisexuality is housed under the asexuality spectrum. It’s part of the gray area between being allosexual and asexual. It’s part of why the definition for asexuality includes “little to no sexual attraction”. It’s a mostly asexual experience with an asterisk.

While being demisexual may have impacts on a persons sexual activity, even demisexuals have a varied relationship to the act of participating in sex. Libido and sexual attraction are not always intertwined either, which can make telling the difference tricky.

I think of sexual attraction as libido that has a compass. Since I rarely ever experience sexual attraction, but do have libido, it’s noticeable for me when that libido actually has a direction to go, rather than being a floating, nebulous, independent thing.

Remember, not everyone is demisexual. There’s a difference between waiting to have sex and not having sexual attraction at all until a certain point. This also inherently ties demisexuality to romantic attraction and relationships, and not all demisexuals are alloromantic.

But if you read what demisexuality is and think “everyone is like that” or “that’s just being a woman”, you either 1) are demisexual 2) don’t understand what it is or 3) both. And it’s okay to not know. Just as long as you’re willing to try to learn.

[learningtolivewmyself]

[learningtolivewmyself]

Do I need to add enrichment to the enclosure or break out of it?

[learningtolivewmyself]

[learningtolivewmyself]

If only all jobs were this easy to get!

[learningtolivewmyself]

This is a legitimate and damaging cultural shift for all involved parties and it needs to be addressed.

[learningtolivewmyself]

Bruh I’m too old to be this shy and awkward lmao