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Leather Series - Spaces for Women and "the other" - Addendum

Sharing space does not mean co-opting space

First of all, thank you all for the feedback to yesterday’s post. I appreciate people taking the time to read what I had to say. I also would like to thank folks who messaged me directly to share their thoughts and ask questions about my post and my thoughts on space for everyone. I’d like to share two messages I received and add additional thoughts to my post from yesterday.

I was speaking with someone about the idea of designated spaces for people, they said: “I don’t want to unintentionally co-opt or try to access space that isn’t meant for me. While I love inclusivity, I completely support designated spaces, even if that means I’m not allowed in. Like men’s space, POC space, trans space, etc.”

While it is important to be inclusive there is also value in having a space to be with people of our own ilk. This is why POC’s have our own spaces, this is why trans folk have their own spaces. Certain people groups need to have their own spaces to safely converse, play, commune, and interact with each other, without those spaces being co-opted by other people groups. POC groups need to be able to organize and function without being co-opted by white folk. Women’s groups need to be able to organize and function without being co-opted by men. Trans groups need to be able to organize and function without being co-opted by cis-folk. And gay groups need to be able to organize and function without being co-opted by straight folk.

POC's need to be able to discuss the concept of Master/slave dynamics in the context of historical slavery and modern day slavery (incarceration, policing) in a safe environment without the fear that white folk might say that our concerns are invalid and we should stick to protocol because that's how it's always been. Women need to be able to discuss misogyny in a safe environment without men dismissing them. Trans folk need to be able to discuss gender issues, presentation, etc without cis folk telling them how to present or complaining about pronouns. Regardless if the dominant group is co-opting the space maliciously or unintentionally, we need these spaces to exist so we can have a safe space for our ilk, within the larger leather community.

My point in the previous post is that we as leatherfolk need to do a better job of sharing space. However, sharing space doesn’t mean that each group in the leather community shouldn’t have their own space. Sharing space doesn’t mean that dominant people groups should co-opt spaces that aren’t meant for them. What sharing space does mean however, is when we are at large events, where different people groups such as POC, women, trans, etc are gathered together, there should be spaces for POC, women, trans etc.

While sharing space isn’t an invitation to co-opt that space, creating space for others doesn’t diminish your own space.

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Leather Series - Spaces for Women and "the other" - Part 1

Let me tell you a story of a person of color walking into a leather bar full of leathermen. They look around the room and see a bunch of white, cis gay men in leather. While they are turned on by the leather and kink on display, they don't see anything close to representing who they are. They aren't seeing people of color, they aren't seeing women, they aren't seeing trans folk or femme folk. They look around and don't see themselves. They don't see a space for them. They look on stage and hear a leatherman giving a speech about honor, integrity, respect, finding a home, a tribe, a community. They are hearing that leatherman talking about a tribe and community of only white cis gay men. So that person walks out of the bar, never to return again. Now imagine that same person walking into a leather bar and seeing a bar full of men, women, Asian, black, Latino, Middle Eastern, indigenous, cis, trans, Bi, pan, femme folk, all in leather, all having a kinky fun time. Then that person sees a leatherperson on stage giving a speech about tribe and community, about finding a home. That person who walked into the bar is nodding along because they can look around the room and see themselves reflected in the faces of every leatherperson in the bar. So that person stays in the bar because they are home. The leather community from its formation was a community for white men. Plain and simple. Vanilla bars and leather bars prohibited men of color from even gaining entrance to the bars, let alone having a voice in the community. Over the years, men of color have gained access and our voices have been heard. But let's not be naïve and think that racism, prejudice and ignorance has passed or been removed from the leather community. Let's not pretend that gay men can't be just as misogynistic as straight men, if not more. We look at the very community who stood by our deathbeds during the AIDS crisis and say to their faces "you are not welcome in our bars, events, spaces". Where is the honor, integrity and respect in that? Is that our code as leathermen? What's even worse is when we do "let" them into our events, we then restrict their access to the events. We'll say "you can come to our event and pay the same registration fee, but you won't be able to attend all the workshops, you won't be able to attend the pool party and oh the seven play spaces we have? You can't play in any of them." Profiting off of a community without giving them access or even one small fucking room to use as a play space is wrong. There is no honor in that. There is no integrity. There is no respect. The excuse men use for excluding them is that women don't understand our history because they weren't there at the beginning. Yes, Leather started with gay men, white cis gay men. The only reason any other people group besides white cis gay men may not have the same understanding of Leather, isn't because of inability or capacity, it's because the leather community was exclusionary from its inception. You can't say "such and such people group doesn't know our history" when they were explicitly excluded from your history. Are we so desperate to hold onto supposed "old guard" values that may or may not have existed that we will go out of our way to refuse space to women, femmes, trans, or any form of "other?" What are we afraid of? Are we afraid that adding seats to the table will remove yours? Are we so afraid of vaginas or femme presentation that somehow we will no longer be attracted to men? Do women have that much power of you? Do you forget how to use a flogger in the presence of a woman? Can your hand no longer grip to jerk off a guys cock? How fragile is your sexuality/leather/kink that the presence of a woman at a play space will render you incapable of engaging in a scene with another man? Ok stop, I can see you furiously typing away "but Beacon, does that mean every single time I want to have some guy friends over and play that I have to have women there too?!" Individual, private parties are just that, private. What you do is up to you. If you want it male only, that's cool. If women want a women only party, that's cool. But if you are throwing a large leather event with multiple play spaces and the event is open to men, women, GNC, then you better have play spaces for men, women and GNC. If you are going to profit off of a people group, you need to have space for that people group. It's really that simple. There is a lot of discussion about spaces for "the other" I'm not sure if this is a new discussion or if I'm just now listening. Creating spaces for "the other" doesn't diminish or eliminate the spaces that already exist. It adds to them. It adds people to the leather community. It adds different perspectives and experiences and ways to engage in kink. It makes the community better. Creating spaces for women, minorities, trans folk, GNC and femme folk is what makes the leather community greater than it once was. We don't need to go back, we need to go forward together.

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Leather Series - Leather Contests

Coming off the heels (literally) of Mr. Los Angeles Leather (LAL, I was able to attend two very different international leather contests: International Ms. Leather/International Ms. Bootblack and International Olympus Leather. Between LAL and the two contests I traveled to, I had a number of conversations with local leathermen wherein we processed different things that happened before, during and after the LAL contest. These things have been discussed publicly by many more qualified than I, this post is not about that. This post is reflecting on my thoughts as to how leather contests can be better and more impactful in two specific areas. This post is about two things that stood out to me at both international contests. 1. How fun they both were and 2. how meaningful the speeches were. Contests should be fun: The second night of IMsL/IMsBB opened with the outgoing IMsL in a burlesque outfit singing "Cabaret" while the IMsL/IMsBB contestants were also in burlesque outfits, dancing to a choreographed number. During the number, each contestant stepped up to the microphone to state their name and their kinks. Let me tell you, there is nothing better than someone in a burlesque outfit saying "I'm ____ and I'm into fisting, punching and blood play" then giggling and going back to dancing. I leaned over to my friend next to me and said "this is the gayest thing I've ever seen at a contest and I am LIVING for it". There was so much joy and happiness in the room during that opening number. The contestants were having fun, the judges, the emcee, and every single person in the audience was having the time of their lives. This didn't stop at just the opening number, all weekend long during and in between the contest, it was quite clear that the contestants were having a blast. I asked one of the contestant handlers "are they having fun backstage?" He said "100%, they are having a great time". How special is it to have a contest where not only the audience is having a great time but so are the contestants. The energy was unlike anything I've seen before at a contest. The first night of IOL kicked off with a woman serenading the crowd with a few musical numbers. Ending the night with the whole audience singing along to "When You're Good to Mama" from the musical Chicago. This was the second gayest thing I've seen at a leather contest after the Cabaret number from IMsL/IMsBB. Seeing a room full of leather folk in gear singing along to the song brought me so much joy and the joy was shared with everyone in the room. Contests should be FUN. These two contests absolutely were and the credit goes to the producers and the emcees for creating a fun, playful environment for the contestants and the audiences. Speeches should be meaningful: I didn't hear every speech at IMsL/IMsBB, but the ones I did hear were impactful and moving. Most of us have heard of Leather contest bingo right? 9 out of 10 speeches will rattle off words like "community, tribe, code, honor, integrity, respect, I finally found my people" etc. I didn't hear a single leather buzzword the entire contest. All I heard were speeches from the heart, talking about issues in the community that matter. During her interview presentation, Girl Complex presented a topic entitled "thank a black woman for intersectionality". This is the level of the speeches I heard. Talking about gender, talking about race, talking about the need for space in the leather community. It occurred to me listening to the speeches that the persons position in the community informed the content of their speech. When you hear people of color giving speeches at leather contests, you'll find they often talk about representation or creating space. When women are giving speeches, you'll find they often talk about fighting misogyny in the leather and gay communities or addressing gender spectrum representation. It's almost as if marginalized communities have a lot more at stake....hmmm..... Ok, stop. I know some of you reading this are gonna skip the rest of this and go immediately to type up a strongly worded comment about "not all white gays". Sure, minorities and women aren't the only ones that talk about important issues during their speeches. But the issues that minorities and women talk about, aren't being discussed as widely in other corners of the leather community, that's why it is so important that their/our voices are heard by ALL in the community. There is a time for speeches that make us laugh, there's a time for speeches that get us hard, there's a time for speeches that call us to action. But until people of color, women, trans folk, GNC (Gender Non Conforming) and femme folk are fully represented in the leather community, then the time for our voices to be heard is NOW. Are contests just a Tom of Finland beauty pageant? One of my favorite local leather contests in Los Angeles is Mr. Sister Leather. It started out as a way to mock leather contests. Its a contest run by the Sister's of Perpetual Indulgence, so you know it's going to be off the rails. It's one big farce and it's fun as hell. Every year I go I know I'm going to laugh my ass off, have a great time with my brothers and sisters and see the contestants find their niche in the community. Besides the fun, this contest provides a platform for the non-traditional leatherman. The leatherman who is every bit as leather as Tom of Finland, even if he doesn't have Tom's physique. This contest manages to be fun and it provides a platform for contestants who aren't always heard from in this community to share their voice and to be heard. IMsL/IMsBB and Mr. Sister Leather shouldn't be the only contests that are fun and provide platforms for voices to be heard, every contest should be this way. Contests shouldn't be about who can say the word "tribe" the most in a speech. Contests shouldn't be about who looks the most like Tom of Finland. Contests should be a time for our community to have a shit ton of fun and provide a platform for everyone in our community to share their voice, because everyone's voice deserves to be heard and we all need to take a seat and listen.

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Leather Series - Beacon's Travels

Leather Series - My Travels Goal of this series: Over the past year or so, I’ve been having evolving thoughts on people of color, women, femme, GNC (gender non conforming) and trans folk in the leather and kink community, “old guard vs new guard” and what that debate actually means, leather contests, how they are run and what they mean to the community, who and what is leather and what we as leatherfolk should be doing. My intent is to share my thoughts on these topics and to encourage discussion. My travels: I've had the opportunity and privilege of traveling across California and to Cleveland for three different leather events, back to back to back. Starting with IMsL/IMsBB in San Jose, then off to CLAW in Cleveland and finally International Olympus Leather (IOL) in San Diego. I was a virgin to all three events and all three events gave me new experiences and a new understanding of leather and the leather community. Since IMsL/IMsBB I have been thinking through my growing understanding of leather and the leather community and I have teased that I will be sharing my thoughts, for what they are worth, with Facebook. Over the next several posts I will be doing just that. I don't claim to have a perfect understanding of Leather and of the community, I acknowledge I am still young in my journey, but this is my understanding as of now. I hope these posts will create a dialogue so that we a community may have a better understanding of Leather and of each other. TL:DR - Yesterday I was asked "you've gone to all these events, what have you learned?" I've learned the leather community is better when there is a seat at the table and space for everyone: men, women, GNC (gender non confirming), femme, trans, etc. IMsL/IMsBB - International Ms. Leather/International Ms. Bootblack This event has had such a profound impact on my understanding of Leather and the leather community, more so than I possibly could have imagined. I flew into San Jose late after the first night of the contest had already started. I made my way into the main room and watched the contestant introductions and listened to the speeches (more on the speeches later.) My first impression upon arriving? It's kind of great to be at an event where men aren't the focus. Let's be real, men have access to a lot of shit, especially in the leather/kink community. Don't get me wrong, I am a proud gay man, I love being with other gay men, and I respect and cherish our spaces and our events, but sometimes it's refreshing to see and experience how others express their leather. Whether they be women, trans, gender non-binary, gay, lesbian, straight, bi, pan or anyone else who doesn't subscribe to a set societal category. Being that this was an event for women, I could have walked the halls, the vendor mart, the hospitality suite and not be acknowledged and I wouldn't have been upset because I didn't expect to be acknowledged, just as women aren't acknowledged at men's events. And yet, everywhere I went I had women coming up to me telling me how glad they were that I was there, that men were there supporting their event. They even sold "Men of IMsL" shirts. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I haven't been to many men's events that have "Women of ____" shirts. It was such a fun, positive event all around. Every few hours a different group would host the hospitality suite. The folks from Alaska had Alaskan salmon, jams, and even bear meatballs....yes, bear. I ate bear at IMsL. Onyx was invited to host at the hospitality suite as well and we had so many women coming up to us saying how glad they were that we were there. I can go on and on about how fun and positive the event was, but what it comes down to is acceptance. Every gender representation, ethnic group and sexual identify was out loud and proud at this event. I didn't see anyone shamed for expressing who they were. Everyone had a chance to be themselves and to be celebrated for who they are and what they give to the community. If you are preparing your leather calendar for 2018, I would highly recommend you write in IMsL/IMsBB before anything else. One last thing: Girl Complex, you took me to church for the first time in years. Praise be!!! CLAW - Cleveland Leather Awareness Weekend I've been excited about going to CLAW for years. CLAW has, for better or for worse, become overrun by puppies. Naturally, it seemed to be the perfect event to take my puppy to for his first big leather event. Before I go any further, I have to gush a little bit and talk about how incredible my puppy is. He's loyal, supportive, caring, kind, sadistic, patient, can be the most submissive pup or the most Dominant man. He's incredible. During CLAW, we got to "share" a pup that we have our own independent relationships with. It brought me so much joy to see my pup go from being submissive to me, to dominant to our shared pup. Seeing him run around the vendor mart like a kid in a candy store, looking at all the leather that no, he didn't want to buy, he wants to make. I would ask him about a piece, trying to buy it for him and instead he would say "no, I can just make it myself when we get back". And you better believe he's already in his shop working on incredible designs of his own. Everyday he makes me more proud and makes me strive to be a better Sir for him. Onto the event itself, after a couple weeks of thinking on the event, I've come to the conclusion that I didn't enjoy the event itself. I loved getting to see my friends, both again and for the first time. I loved the POC in leather panel by Tyesha. I loved spending time with my pup and our shared pup. But the event itself, meh. First of all, there wasn't enough time. If I go again, I'm going to have to arrive a day earlier and not volunteer. Between volunteer shifts for all three of us and many of my friends who were also volunteering, it was hard to feel connected with anyone that was there. That's not a fault of the event, just something to consider in the future. Critiques of the event: I felt, note I'm not accusing, as though the event had a forced masculinity to it. From the marketing, to the music selection, to the promotion for the pool parties (not blaming the hosts), to the playspace. To me, it seemed like it was a weekend embodiment of "Masc4masc". As for women at the event, the majority of them that I saw were either bootblacks or volunteering behind the scenes. The ones I did see, seemed to be downplaying their femme side or at least not expressing it. Same goes for the male femmes or GNC femmes. To go a little further and address specific concerns: The pool party. I understand that last year's pool party was held at the host hotel, which was at a different location than this year's hotel which doesn't have a pool. I get that. That being said, given that there were two other official CLAW hotels, which did have a pool, it seems like the possibility could have existed for CLAW to hold the pool parties at those hotels as opposed to at FLEX which is cis-male only. I could be wrong. But I would hope that the board at least considered the optics of removing access to women and trans men for the pool party. Next is the play space. The way it was advertised as "7 play spaces, the most of any year!" I assumed it was going to be 7 different suites or some combination of rooms at the hotel when in fact it was just an office with a handful of smaller offices. Before CLAW, I was critical of the event for having 7 male only play spaces and not a single pan play space. Given where the play space was located, I understand why it was male only. In the future, I would encourage CLAW to consider either moving the play space or at the very least, dedicating a suite or a meeting room in the host hotel as a pan play space. I am one gay man who would attend a pan play space. There were some other elements of the event that didn't make it as enjoyable as I had hoped. All in all the event was, meh. It won't be on my calendar for next year, perhaps it may be in the future One last thing: Watching Ray feed my puppy donuts was the cutest thing ever. Gainer porn IRL. IOL - International Olympus Leather I didn't know much about this event going in, other than my half boyfriend was competing and I was voluntold to help them with their fantasy scene in the contest. The first night featured a few musical numbers by a woman who has been singing at AIDS benefits since 1983, bless her. She was the sweetest woman with a kind heart, a rogue tooth and a pair of breasts that did everything they could to pop out of her shimmering gold top. Between the opening act and the tireless emcee for the weekend, this was the most fun I've had at a contest since IMsL/IMsBB which was the most fun contest I've been to maybe ever. More on that in a later post. One of my favorite aspects of the event was how familial it felt. All of the former IOL titleholders and producers who helped put on the event acted like family. They supported each other and teased each other just like family. We always talk about how the leather community is a family. IOL displayed that perfectly. I'm so glad my half boyfriend Matt is now a part of that family. Watching them compete and connect with their fellow contestants was such a joy and privilege. You are enough. One last thought: Singing along to "When you're good to mama" from the musical Chicago with a room full of queer leatherfolk has to be one of the best things to ever happen in my leather journey thus far. In conclusion: I've been so spoiled to be able to attend so many Leather events so far this year, with a few more to go. Meeting other leatherfolk from across the country (and the world) and seeing how other communities through contests and events has opened my eyes to just how big and impactful this community is. When we are doing leather right, we are supporting each other, creating space for each other, loving each other, beating, fisting and fucking each other. It's a beautiful thing. I'm so happy to be a part of this wonderfully perverted community.