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[leaveme-inthedark]

31.12.2023/1.1.2024

Well well well, trying this again.

Me, F, R and L toasted grapes to each of the months with the hope of finding luck in the new year. we flashed the sea at midnight .

Im feeling hopeful, it's the first time in my life where I have genuinely no idea where ill be next year. l things im going to have the biggest change this year.

Im so looking forward to the journey

[leaveme-inthedark]

6.2.2023

The shower

The car

A countertop

The bed, obviously.

[leaveme-inthedark]

12.6.23

I should just be left somewhere to rot.

Ive cone to the conclusion I don't deserve happiness .

[leaveme-inthedark]

30.1.23

1:37am

I am incredibly jealous of my friend Lydia.

she has the room in the flat that I wanted

the room conveniently has a radiator that won't turn off

she has the figure I'd like

she dresses in clothes I'd like to wear

she is very close with her mum

she has a younger sibling

Everyone loves/cares for her

Callum thinks she's hot when she dances

she a really nice person

She's good at drawing

She can wear high heels all day

I just want to be more like her, and have the things she has.

I'm still upset about the bedrooms

[leaveme-inthedark]

10.1.23

2:51am

Harry grabbed my ass.

he has. Girlfriend he said it himself. yes when the others were getting drinks he seised his opportunity. do I tell Callum, do I tell josh? Will he even remember? I don't know what to do. it's hard

[leaveme-inthedark]

7.1.23

12:52am

I'm going crazy. I get inside my head so easily.

I spent the evening with Callum we went bowling, did all the arcade games and pool and then maccas. it was perfect. (Not to mention the pitt stop on the way home)

I so easily persuade myself when it comes to love. I don't forget as such but I miss what's Infront of me when it's not directly there.

the thought of leaving him again on Monday is heartbreaking

[leaveme-inthedark]

6.1.23

2:50am

I still keep thinking about that dream, about Jamie.

I thought I was over all those thoughts, of loving more than one person, of being a middle spoon.

Id hoped to see Jamie before I went back home to see if that brought me any clarity but that's seeming less and less likely given his work schedule.

The grades came out today, I would be lying if I said I wasn't dissapointed. I just hope I can do better next semester.

Thoughts of drug/alcohol abuse keep flooding my mind. how easy it would be to just throw everything away in a sea of booze and white powder.

[leaveme-inthedark]

5.1.23

1.06pm

I have just woken up from a strange dream.

i think it must've stemmed from conversations with P about polyamory but Jamie was there. He said I had to do certain things and it was almost like he was teaching them to Callum. Once I'd completed the tasks however he didn't sleep with me, no one did.

then alongside this there was a big sports day/drag/dance soc kind of thing going on and it was so confusing and colourful. I hugged my younger self and we were walking around together very lost. I don't know whether to say anything to either of them about the dreams. it's probably best not to.

[leaveme-inthedark]

4.1.23

1.23am

i stayed in bed until 3 today. I felt guilty at the time but it ment I was finally feeling fully well rested.

yesterday was the new years day shopping trip and, as usual, it was not peaceful. if councilling last year taught me anything it was that my mother is not a perfect person. but i forgive her; and that is something i think that has really helped me grow, knowing that she can be wrong and that it's not me it's her.

Callum put a pillow over my face during sex, it was to muffle my noises and i know it wasn't done with any ill intent. but it reminded me so much of when I was with John. Id put a pillow over my face because i didn't want to look at him during sex, I'd simple close my eyes and imagine it was something else. he did it to make me a little less human.

I don't know whether to talk to callum about it tomorrow, I think it might be a good idea.

[leaveme-inthedark]

2.1.2023

2.35am

I don't know why I bother waiting up for him he always falls asleep.

Cracking headache and a stinking cold what a way to start 2023.

I'm already feeling the anxiety of the mountain of work that's about to hit.

growing up and moving out of my family home has shown me so much. My parents aren't perfect, my mum is not a perfect person. I adore them both but sometimes I wish they would listen to me. my mum's anger issues have really been on full display over the holiday season as they usually are. deliberately showing me up Infront of guests.

my goals for the year;

- be better to myself, kinder, healthier,

- save money, budget tighter

- research ADHD coping techniques

- commit to projects

-do something creative for myself, even if it's only an hour, every month

this year is going to define a lot on who I am as a person, and what my future holds.

I've lost my contact lenses. i hate my glasses.

[leaveme-inthedark]

27.1.2022

i told the stars about you;

their silvery hues and twinkling toes glistened as they listened.

they heard of you with your eyes full of the forrest;

and nodded and clapped when they head the words-

i love you

slip from our lips,

and tumble onto those of the other.

second semester started last week. the workload is a heavy burden. Calli is with me but he's not, i can talk to him but I can't. its frustrating how he's both so accessable and inaccessible. I'm finding cracks where their are none. An excuse to distrust and protect myself.

[leaveme-inthedark]

1.9.2021

johns moved on.

got himself a new girl.

im happy for him but is it wrong to feel upset? for someone who would never find another me and couldnt be with anyone else hes moved on pretty fast. i wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. feel the pain of abandonment, of having people turn their backs on you.

jamie told me he misses me. wanted me to come over to see him this evening and i had to say no.

the fact i was mildly upset i had to say no upsets me. leads to question my satisfaction in my current relationship or is it just the idea of polyamory that's making me feel this way. i struggle with manogamy. i love the chase, the excitement of new.

im worried ill break at uni.

[leaveme-inthedark]

21.8.2021

isolation is really taking a toll on me. I've had covid for a week now and my 10 days of isolation are over on Monday.

my mental health has taken a hot and i keep zoning out and becoming forgetful.

you'd think being in isolation would be a perfect time to get things done and progress on self led projects; a change for me to take time off work and do some of the things i want to do or need to do in preparation for university but instead i have no motivation for anything.

then comes callum. an insite into life without him directly to my side has made me even more anxious than before. i don't know what to expect. sometimes i get so frustrated at things but i need to keep reminding myself that we have different things that are important to us, different priorities and different factors that effect us. i need to unwind on the whole change of plans thing. plans never go as planned and it really gets to me.

I know I have unhealthy traits. larts of me that need fixing when put into a partnered relationship. im worried I rushed this, worried it's too soon for me. and I don't know what to do.

i don't know what to do.

[leaveme-inthedark]

13.8.2021

i got in.

i actually made it in.

officially offer received and confirmed.

[leaveme-inthedark]

1.8.2021

the way you know you've truly become an adult is when your parents stop trying to protect you from the big bad world, they don't sheild you from the cracks and dark alleyways of life.

they lean on you emotionally and suck you dry, they cry Infront of you they relax Infront of you, become less cautious abot opinions or cuss words.

following the death of my uncle i had never felt more alone. my grief for him was overwhelmed by that of my parents and grandparents. rightfully so, they knew him far longer than i did, however, someone must always be the last domino. when one family member falls to another one must be at the end of the line.

typically my mum should've turned to her friends, but she didn't want to worry them so she didn't tell them. so she lent her full force onto me and crushed out my ability to carry my own grief as well as her own. so mine was left behind. and that makes me so angry.

[leaveme-inthedark]

21.7.2021

in the metaphorical house of emotions i am once again in the bacement.

part of me thimks the just tired but it feels like something more.

im worried this is the start of a stint.

i went to the beach and had desperados with fish and chips. i paddled in the sea because the others didnt want to swim.

im just so tired.

[leaveme-inthedark]

19.7.2021

fell up the stairs at work the other day - since then my knees been ablut as painful as dislocation recovery.

i went out tonight with Annie and Dylan and Calli. it was such a fun time, i hope all four of us continue to go out together. i feel seen. not as someone with similar interests or school. we weren't thrown together as a group of people who disliked eah other the least out of a class. were a group of people who chose to be together and are continuing to make that choice.

its early days and the group have only met up once or twice but I feel accepted, heard, loved.