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[leelaloo]

Goodbye 2022 & 2023 Hopes

Not much has changed since turning 30. “Stuck” would be fitting to describe this year. Stuck in my career, family, and love nothing has progressed. IdK if I’m being hard on myself when I expect some changes or see physical growth in some aspect of life. I’ve interviewed a bunch and get my hopes high on some and then get rejected and the progress just continues. Not that I’m giving up, I know it’s a process but I’m thinking why is it easier for some people and not me. Family, I really need to move out so I’m not stuck in a telephone game between dad and Ah Yi and have the freedom to eat do whatever/whenever I want on my own time and not think about what I need to tell dad. Love, been on many dates still nada. Idk why my heart never gravitates towards the guys who are nice, interested in moving forward, sincere, and thoughtful. I feel like it always comes down to attraction for me and I always almost check out if it’s not there. 

Right around Christmas dad and I had another blow-up and I just felt sorry for myself. Why am I keeping myself in this situation- (i can move out and not deal with this bs) but then all my mind comes back to is damn I still have not reach the financial stability of renting a nice place and still having my fun of not budgeting too much with eating out/traveling. 

This blow-up happened after he said come out of the bathroom cause he need to go and I was in the middle of doing my skincare so i said wait a second and when he said a second time I came out and he interpreted me with walking out and having an attitude. After he was done, he came out and was like nowadays you have a lot of attitude. Baffled I said loudly what attitude all I did was come out. I said something a long the lines sometimes you’re in the bathroom for almost an hour I never say anything. Then he says ok move out, I’m like ok then you pay the rent. And he had the audacity to say he does so much for me and and I’m like you never treat me like your daughter. I told Jill/em and was feeling was fine and then Jill asked are you ok lila and then I started to cry. Like damn I’m hurting and he prob is hurting. We had another big fight on Christmas day when Jill came and a third one a few days after she left cause he asked me so do you intend to keep cooking I’m like no, you have so much to say about so he goes alright move out in a week and I’m like no you have to give me a month where can I find a place in a week. he goes ok if I find a tenant and they move in sooner then you have to leave earlier. Then we start shouting about rabbit aunt how he said I dont want her to be. In the midst of this I was crying and trying to explain your daughters are on your side why you always gotta talk shit and why you always have to say nasty remarks when you fight. He goes Im from the country side this is how I talk, I get loud and say everything, I can say worse things in a fight and he goes afterwards we just forget about it cause we were just fighting. I kept trying to get to the point that if you say all the time move out any time there is a fight of course Im gonna say ok. That’s not ok to talk to your daughters like this. He was like why cant you let me say/yell at you sometime and not yell back or come back at me. I think the fact that I really retaliated and said some hurtful things like you never treated me as your daughter or the rent thing made him angry. I was just exhausted crying and yelling. At one point he was like grandpa/grandma used to yell at me like that and after a bit we’re ok and I’m like thats not ok to bring to this generation your’e in America and all i remember about grandpa was him buying me stuff, laughing with me and loving me. That night in bed, I bursted out in tears and just cried like in a cycle of nightmare that i can get out of but haven’t. Even as my typing this, whenever I think about the temp. peace in the house I know it’s not gonna last and next time he’ll bring up the same issues. I just feel sad like helpless that this is my dad and the ugly things he can say about me and i cry again. Sometimes i’m even thinking of come-backs I can say or remember situations that I felt wrong but did’t say in my head for next blow-up which isn’t healthy at all. Like am I turning like him and remembering all these petty things.

I really hope 2023 I can be a much happier version of myself cause I do think I am a happy person and situations like this I don’t want to impact my future. I don’t want to set any goals, but I hope this year I will be on a better track for career, family, and love. 

[leelaloo]

To My 20′s

Time of growing, adulting, finding my confidence...

A lot of alone time. I feel like I’ve just been going through the motions of life. Years passed still living at home, still no SO, still not a job i’m satisfied with yet.

But I have to look at all the other good stuff I have- supportive fam, quality friends, independent women, loving myself.

Now need to learn how to love someone. Why can’t i easily love someone, do I self sabotage and i pull away all the time

I just started crying tonight and I remembered this tumblr and wanted to document my last day of 29. Kept trying to avoid “last day” I don’t want to mourn it, but instead celebrate the 29 years that I lived mostly fulfilled/happy in my own ways. Mom/sisters all asking me are you doing anything for your big 30? Mom saying she thought Lila would have a bf to celebrate her birthday this year if the matchmaking she had very high hopes for went well. All out of good faith cause they’re all genuinely curious. It just made me feel like I had to plan something big/be with people. I think deep down I really do, but just too lazy to do it. I also feel like I have a lot of societal expectations for myself that I didn’t reach which made me feel utterly sad. Like fuck I’ve never had a bf to celebrate big moments with. I just want someone special to share life with. 

ps 1 hr into writing this post, I finally planned a brunch for tomr with em/jen/jenn/attila. Sometimes I fear people can’t make it and i take it as rejection so I’d rather not plan, but luckily all of them are coming :)

[leelaloo]

2021

Things I want to accomplish this year:

- get a new job

- learn how to invest & invest $$

- find bae

- travel

- learn to bike

- learn a new technical skill 

- workout at least 2 times a week

- read 1 book/month

[leelaloo]

2020

Things I want to accomplish this year:

Get my driver’s license

get a new job

learn how to swim

learn a new function/shortcut on excel

workout at least 3 times a week

learn to bike

read 2 books/month

travel

find bae

[leelaloo]

2018

Wow the first day of 2019. 

Today I woke up feeling a little empty and engulfed with a lot of emotions. I just wanted to write it all out. 

2018 was definitely a roller coaster year. Heartbreak, pain, tears, loneliness, fear but also self discovery and a lot of reflection. The hardest I would say is searching for that person for me. It is frustrating. I think I meet someone nice and I vibe well with but then nothing really happens. I wonder all the time why is it so hard for me.

Through the short five months of being in a relationship, I have also learned a lot about myself. I can show my appreciation more through my actions and sometimes words of affirmation really help too. I hate being vulnerable and this year has been me trying to communicate better my feelings. 

IDK I just woke up today feeling really lonely. I am usually fine with doing things on my own but maybe because I see my friends with their significant others on new years it just hit that much harder. 

But I also think about the great people I have around me. Sisters esp when I go through hard time they are there to give me advice/comfort. I’m forever grateful for them.

I’m not sure where 2019 will take me but for now I will be optimistic. Hoping the best is yet to come. :)

[leelaloo]

Dad

My dad and I got into a huge fight/argument at the end of March. It was an accumulation of small things that built up that just exploded when I told him last minute that my sisters and I were leaving to Texas in a few hours. Even after we came back from the trip, I wasn’t sure we were on speaking terms and so we just continued the silent treatment. One day, he asked me to do something and I nodded yes and he went off about alright you continue this attitude you remember that and I suddenly got all heated up and said something back and he brought up some family stuff and it made me tear. I hate it when I get so frustrated and can’t get words out.

Through it all, I knew Father’s day was coming up and my sister was asking if we were going to do dinner or something for him. At this point, I really had no idea how I was going to reconcile this relationship. I’ve never got into a fight with him that lasted with such a long silent treatment. 

However, on Friday I got a call from the hospital that he had fell down the stairs while making his delivery rounds. It was the first time in a couple of months where we had an actual conversation at the hospital. He was telling me what happened and how he only started 1.5 weeks ago and how it was not as strenuous as other jobs. After he got discharged, my sister and I was home this weekend to make sure he didn’t fall again and to take care of him. 

It happened to be Father’s Day Sunday and thought to myself wow did it really had to come to this accident for us to talk again or eat together as a family at the table again. Thank goodness he came back with nothing broken just bruises. I’m not sure if I feel disappointed in myself that I allowed this silent treatment to continue as it wasn’t without reason, I just couldn’t have a civil conservation with him. However, I do feel some sort of guilt, the “what ifs” something worse had happened I knew I would regret it. I know in my family whether we were on bad terms, if something happened I would be there for them no matter what. But it really shouldn’t have to come to something bad happening, he’s my dad after all. I should end this post by saying it’s the longest fight I’ve encountered with my dad and hopefully never again.

[leelaloo]

Heartbreak

Today 4.13.18 I experienced my first break up. It really doesn’t feel good, I keep crying out of nowhere when I hear sad music or am just walking alone. We parted amicably and he watched me walk away. At some point I wished he ran after me, but in reality I knew it would feel good in the moment but the root of the problems would still remain. 

This relationship has been a roller coaster ride. I still cannot pinpoint that exact reason why I kept going in the relationship. I guess I had high hopes that it will get better. My feelings definitely grew over time for him. He’s just different and gave this comfort feeling easily. I also don’t think I’ve ever felt this insecure/doubt. That drove me crazy. Maybe it was the Tinder platform or our lack of communication when we weren’t together. 

I’m just incredibly sad because for my first relationship it’s been quite turbulent highs are high and lows are low. Also sad to say a short 5 months. 

Next few weeks will be hard but let the healing begin.

“sometimes the only closure you need is understanding that you deserve better” -Trent Shelton. Thank you I think I do. 

Goodbye. 11.9.17-4.13.18 

[leelaloo]

Preggo me what..??

Today the funniest thing happened on my way home on the train. This man and his son were playing games and he suddenly offered me a seat. I gave him a confused look and he made a gesture to my stomach area referencing a “bump.” At first I was like whatttt then I went no no no hahahah. He mistaken my unruly stuffed scared inside my jacket as a prego belly. 

Just thought it was super hilarious as I never encountered that before. After all, it was all out of kindness. 

[leelaloo]

Strangers, Again

I’ve been doing online dating for a while now. I mean who doesn’t now with the myriad of dating apps out there. In the beginning, I was just curious and actually quite skeptical. Did it really work?

For me, it has allowed me to meet different people from all walks of life that I wouldn’t have encounter and hear people’s stories. Although many of these encounters are short-lived I appreciate these moments. I still haven’t found the boyfriend yet so I can’t comment on if it works.

I’ve subscribed to a daily email service called The Listserv and an entry this weekend made me think about the events leading up to the date, the happenings during the date, and then the post date. She wrote about ghosting. At first, I didn’t know what this term meant. I also did not give this much thought in the beginning because I thought since this type of dating was so casual and usually I only had met this person once, so if I didn’t feel that interested I would stop responding and that silence would take the place of any explanation. I even thought I didn’t need to provide any sort of explanation or say outwardly “I’m not interested anymore” because if I stopped texting you that should be obvious enough. I always felt guilty doing it because in the end someone one the other end is being left on the cliff, almost like a cliff hanger.

However, when this ghosting happened to me it really didn’t feel good. Especially from three different people who I was actually interested in getting to know more. It’s weird because pre-date there’s a lot of text exchanges and anticipation leading up to the date. During the date, we practically share our life stories in that 3 hour frame, and postdate working up to the second date is the problem. I think a lot of times the communication between the first and the possible second date is usually exciting or dead. The most frustrating part is when I think everything’s going well and then there’s that sudden silence and all the question starts to pour in. I read the past text and think what went wrong?Then I go fuck it and keep moving, it’ll still linger but soon it will fade out.

This encounter evidently becomes a cycle because we start out as strangers and end as strangers again.

Takeaway point for myself and date: straight up tell each other if you guys don’t want to talk anymore.

Hopefully, I’ll find someone eventually who’ll appreciate me for me.

[leelaloo]

Life

Unpredictable. I think that describes life pretty well. 

There used to be a old grandpa in my apartment complex who I always waved to every time I saw him. I don’t know how this silent relation started maybe because he resembled a grandpa figure to me since both my grandpa passed away. Or the way he always gave a friendly smile and nodded at the stranger (me). We’re both Chinese yet we don’t understand each other as he speaks a different dialect. Everyday going to work early in the morning, I would see him sitting on the bench in the courtyard and without a doubt I would wave and he would nod/smile. That became our signal. Even coming home from work, he would be sitting there again in the same spot with his cane and sometimes smoking his cigarette. 

About four months ago, I realized I haven’t waved or seen him around in the elevators or on that bench. It dawned on me that something may have happened. Perhaps, something bad. That made me feel sort of sad and empty.

Strangely, this encounter keeps me thinking about how life is a roller coaster. A person may seem fine in one moment and vanish in the next. 

Wherever you are now grandpa, I hope someone is keeping our signal alive. 

[leelaloo]

Bum Juice

I’ve had many interesting to say the least encounters or mishaps during my lunch breaks that I would like to share. 

Today I went to Grand Central to eat lunch and I accidentally sat next to a really stinky homeless person (i will refer to her as bum as it’s shorter). She didn’t look like one, just had a lot of stuff on her. I miscalculated. 

Once I sat down I got a whiff of her bum juice and it was bad. I thought the delicious smell of my lunch would mask the smell but it was too horrendous so in the middle of eating, I pretended to make a call and hurriedly escaped to find another spot. 

I usually can withstand stench cause NYC has trained my nose pretty well. But this smell was on another level; a mix of pee and days of no shower.