leepawyee-blog

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I really want to write but I don't know what to write about. My life has been stationary for a month now and my thoughts are everywhere.

[leepawyee-blog]

It's December 23, 2018 today. It's a rainy day here in Parañaque. Despite the fluctuating rainfalls, the MMFF: Parade of Stars still pursued. Despite the heavy rains, people are still rushing to the middle of the roads just to be able to see their favorite artists. My mother was really determined to see her favorite artist. We had to fight the rain, go to different locations just to get a closer view. A kid dropped her toys on the gutter and jumped giddly when she saw her favorite artist. The parade caused a lot of traffic. A lot of police were also there. The artists need security. Maulan pa naman. A lot of people were busy and a lot of people prepared for the event. Ang daming tao kaninang nakikipaglaban for a closer spot, a lot of people sacrificed their time and energy for the parade.

In my opinion, sana all? Sana sa lahat ng pagkakataon ganun ang mga tao. Sana hindi lang para sa artista. A lot of people patiently waited for the artists and a lot of them sacrificed. Sana para sa pakikipagbaka para sa mga karapatan natin game din tayong lahat para magsakripisyo. Nakakalungkot lang kasi I don't want to invalidate the smiles of the people there. Naging masaya nanay kong makita yung mga artista. I think there's really nothing wrong if your happiness is seeing those artists pero sana all. Sana ganitong klaseng pagtangkilik ang nakukuha ng under-rated films. Sana para sa mga makabuluhang bagay, nakakayanan din nating magsakripisyo.

Dinadagsa parin ng tao yung parade kahit ang problematic na ng MMFF. Tinatangkilik parin yung mga films kahit walang kwenta yung movies. Gumagawa parin ng walang kwentang movies ang MMFF dahil sa pera and not because for promoting the beauty of film and not because for showing valuable content. Grabe lang kasi lalong lumulubog lang ang Pilipinas despite of people who are working together to bring it back up. Sana dumami pa ang mga taong gagawin lahat para lang maiangat ang bansa. I know a lot of people who are willing to even sacrifice their lives and own happiness because they have hope for the country.

Sana ako rin. Sana igugol ko yung oras ko sa mga makabuluhang bagay. Sana makatulong ako na maiangat ang bansang ito kahit gustong-gusto ko na lumipat sa ibang bansa. If we could just all work together and continue to open the eyes of our fellow countrymen, we could make a change. No matter how harsh the society is, there's still hope for humankind. Never should we loose hope because once we do, it's the end. As long as there's a single person who believes in humanity, there's no end.

[leepawyee-blog]

I would wake up in the morning wanting to hear your voice. I would wait until after you cook if we wouldn't get the chance to call and wait until after lunch and wait when u wake up in the afternoon and wait after dinner and i would still wait for you until 10 pm. When we wouldn't get the chance to talk I would be a little sad because I waited. I understand that you have things going in your life. I don't want to be a burden. I understand the circumstances and there isn't any problem with that.

Truth be told, I am the problem. Because I am too impatient. Because even if I understand, I still get sad, I still feel alone but what the fuck diba and insensitive ko lang sobra para maramdaman yun.

I overthink a lot. What the actual fuck kate. Can you just stop making non existent problems kasi nakakasira ng buhay yang putanginang pag-iisip na yan. Ano naman ngayon kung naghintay ka edi bukas nalang ulit. Bukas maghintay ka ulit. Putangina anong mahirap doon?

Grow up, Kate. Putangina mo kasi napakachildish mo.

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I'm so fucking weak. What can I do to make things better? Everything is just slipping away I don't know what to do.

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i feel fucking alone

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I would always want to have a date in a park. It's one sunny day and I would wear a sun dress and you would be in your shorts and a white polo. Having peaceful walks and talks on a bright sunny day would be amazing and comforting at the same time. Late night walks would be nice too. Remember when we walked from mcl to jollibee under the rain? We don't care if we are soaking wet because we are together. You were hugging me as if you would never want to let go. I love how I get to experience moments like this.

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I just want time to stop and kiss you. I want to let you feel that I am all yours and that I will never leave your side. I will be with you in every step that you take.

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tell me i am enough

tell me that i am doing good

tell me the thing i don't see within me

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i need this reminder everyday

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For the past few days, I observed that I would do anything for you. I would do anything just to be with you given the risks of getting caught. I would do anything just to hear your voice and have our long calls. I would risk looking and winking at you even if anybody could see it. I think I would risk everything just to be with you. I'm not saying it like it's a bad thing. I'm just controlling and reminding myself that too much of something is not good. I just have been aggressive these past few days and I remembered that I should be balancing my life. I promise nothing has changed or will change between you and me, if there is it's just only for the better. Let's just say I am just warning and preparing myself for harder battles. Being carefree is not going to help. I need to take things more seriously and more maturely.

I hope next week we could take the study plan into practice already. Honestly, I have been prioritizing you over my academics these last few weeks and I am sorry for not telling you that I have things I should be doing instead of talking to you, because I just want to spend time with you, I just really do :--( but yes we still have a lot of things pending before college, before college graduation and I need to get back to my senses and work on them. I promise to set aside my emotions whenever I miss you and try to accomplish everything before talking to you. Having review sessions with you has been helpful for me so just tell me if you want me to teach you about anything you don't understand, okay? I just realized a few moments ago how my life is still a mess and I need to get all my shit together. You haven't been a distraction, trust me. You have been a constant reminder that I should grow and be mature. You inspire me to keep doing well and to bloom everyday. You inspire me with your life also, believe me. You made me realize a lot of things.

I realized that I need to deserve what I have. I need to deserve you. I need to work hard and I need to organize and fix my life. It has been a long time ever since the process of fixing my life started and it's time to make bigger steps now. I just realized that anxiety and overreacting is not good for me and they just pull me down. I need to do my best for our future.

Constant reassurance that you'll be right beside me, that you'll never leave me and that you love me no matter what happens will be very helpful. Your smiles and "love yous" will always keep me going however bad my day goes. How short and speechless our conversations will be, they are as meaningful to me compared with the long and speechful ones (Is speechful even a word?). Asking me how I am and asking about how my day went will always be deeply appreciated and will be a constant reminder that you care you me. Your support will always be a big source of strength whenever I feel hopeless. You might not be a man of a lot of words but your eyes and your smile always have a lot to say and that's more than enough for me. I promise to do the same for you :--)

I really love you, James, that's why I want to give you the best of me. The Lord has given me numerous of blessings within just a month and I want to thank him by taking care of what He has given me. I just want to share to you what goes in my mind hehe even though it's quite deep and surprising yet again.

It's funny how a long writing of mine means that I just want to practice not missing you like crazy, I just want to tell you that I have been prioritizing you over my academics lately that's why I'm sorry huhu, I want to tell you yet again how much I love you and that I promise to do better and grow. It's ironic how I also want to tell you not to miss me when I start to get myself busy when in fact I am the one who misses you like crazy. It seems that you handle it better than me hahahaha.

I love you, James. Enjoy your day, my love. I will update you on what goes on with my day, okay? I'll always be by your side.

Ps. I'm sorry if I write a lot (you'll get lot more of these because you'll be spending a lifetime with me😉) and if I am a very complicated person. I know I don't want you to be sorry for being yourself and so I promise to try to be not sorry for being myself as well.

Wow, I feel great knowing that someone will read this. I feel great that what I write wouldn't left unseen in just one corner. Thank you, my only dear beloved reader💖

[leepawyee-blog]

I don't know about you but often times, I do not feel sad anymore. I always feel like there's this force that is stronger than my sadness.

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I still suck at expressing myself.

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082318

I am afraid of the world. I always have been. It's true that I am afraid when I am alone. Earlier this day, I have been walking the corridors alone. When I talk to people I don't regularly talk to, I feel unsafe. I felt that things are still temporary, that a lot of things still are. After a year, everything will change. Nothing is constant and things will eventually change.

It was after a lecture in chemistry class when you left the room first. I don't expect anyone to wait for me. Parang sa lab lang naman pupunta kailangan ko pa ba ng kasama? But you were right there waiting beside the door. I suddenly felt safe. My face brightened up, didn't you notice? I felt safe when I knew that you were just right behind my back.

After dismissal, you walked with me. You don't know how happy I am to walk with you. You don't know how happy I am that I know that I will be walking with you for the rest of our lives :--)

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082318

You are my favorite scent.

[leepawyee-blog]

There are still things I don't fully understand.

Life is tough.

I still doubt myself.

I still feel uneasy when I feel that people are judging me behind my back.

I make wrong decisions often.

I get anxious easily.

I feel sad when I feel alone.

I feel bad about myself when I think I didn't do my best.

I am weak.

I am insecure.

I am not good at anything.

I am sensitive.

Okay, maybe I cry a lot.

I am a socially odd person.

I can't manage my time effectively.

I have a lot of imperfections.

I am fat.

I don't have nice hair.

I have a lot of tan lines and stretch marks HAHA

Nah, not your typical girl next door.

I think a lot. As in a lot.

I have nonexistent problems that make me stressed. Wow okay this is tricky.

I am hard to understand because I often answer indirectly. Not straight to the point.

I can be easily influenced.

Sometimes, my brain just stops. It stops thinking about these things. I feel that I am more than these insecurities, but at the same time, they still make me sad. I mean, it's a good thing that I am not totally drowned by these worries. They just still create holes in me. I know it's hard to mend all those holes all at once. You can't just fix them all at once. Change doesn't happen overnight. I know, I get it okay?

I'm not sad.

I just

They always make me think.

They just make me think.

Not to brag about anything, but it's true that I have improved. I've been stronger. Not that strong but I know somehow, I am stronger. I now believe more in myself. I now believe that I have a purpose in this world and I have dreams. It's the moment when you feel better about yourself. It is when you feel at ease when you sleep at night. It is when you smile while you walk alone along the streets towards home. It is when you feel hopeful about the world. It is when you become grateful everyday. It is when you feel love. It is when you love yourself and give love to others.

I may still have them, my insecurities, but I know that they would never knock me down anymore. It's nice to be fueled up with a lot of hope. I really hope I wouldn't lose the hope I have. I hope I wouldn't run out of reasons on why I should carry on.

[leepawyee-blog]

Of course I feel judged. But, do their judgements even matter? What do they know? This is my life, my choices.