left-alone-in-my-thoughts - Tumblr blog

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Merry Fuck myself apparently.

I told my mum months ago that I would be free Christmas Eve then today I ask her if we're doing anything for tomorrow (Christmas Eve) and she turns around and goes, 'nah, we don't do anything for Christmas Eve. Well you know what?! Merry fucking Christmas to you too! Get fucked, so much for trying to spend time with my family who don't even give a shit about me anyway!

Would've been the first time I've spent Christmas with them in like 3 years, but I see how important I am anyway.

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

I know no one will ever see this but there's always shit that reminds me of these assholes I called friends.

One of them even said he liked me as more than a friend and we were fwbs, fucking dickhead for thinking it would work out anyway. He was a dickhead for making me think like that and giving me hope before he just left me alone and pretended everything was okay.

I still think about him from time to time though, I still think of all of them from time to time... The friend group I had before it all fell apart, I had people I thought I'd have for a long time...

Why do I always have to let people know I have a crush on them. It usually never works out anyway. We could've stayed friends, it would've been great, I still would've had those friends, actually probably not, anyway.

He was always so nice to me, so punny, I finally had someone I could pun with, he always before we knew each other better, he used to greet me with puns, it was cute and sweet. I hate him but it still hurts, it still cuts me, almost a year later, it still leaves a scar, I know I should forgive him and all those other people that hurt me and finally move on, I want to, I don't know how...

How do I move on? How do I forgive? I want them to apologise to me for just dropping me out of nowhere because I went to go see my boyfriend for a week basically when my birthday was, I really hope that my birthday won't be a reminder of them ever again.

He watched Hamilton with me on my birthday. I didn't get to see Emily for my birthday before she left for Scotland... I had to spend it with my ex and my family instead of Emily. Why is it that it always has to be when everyone else is free for my birthday, like I want to see them. This is why I hate anything to do with people coming together.

My family hurt me, the people I thought would be like family hurt me and didn't even care to apologise, I HAD TO APOLOGISE! My so called best friend made me apologise, she left me too, because I told her how I felt.

Fuck all of them. I'm so sick of this pain and emptiness, so sick of getting hurt all the time, so sick of being so physically and mentally unwell that I can't actually do anything most of the time, so sick of people judging me because I can't.

She fucking stood there and was like, oh what's wrong with her? Being all fucking helpful and then she turns around and starts complaining about me again as if I'm back in high school and she thinks I can't hear her. I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU!! EVERY. FUCKING. TIME! Just fuck you, you two faced bitch. I'm sick and tired in general, but I'm sick and tired of having to sit there and be nice while everyone else treats me like shit and gets to express themselves.

Sick of fake friends, sick of not being able to tell the different between a real friend and a fake one. Tired of everything. Fuck everything.

Maybe I should tell my therapist about this tumblr account. It would probably speed shit up for sure.

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Recently I've just wanted to scream and treat everyone who treated me like shit like absolute shit right back because I'm on the edge of sanity at this point trying to keep everything inside.

I wanna scream in general and throw things and break things and just go crazy because I've had enough of people hurting me and making me feel worthless.

Enough is enough, like, I'm a human not a damn punching bag and you can all go fuck yourselves and if you don't like that then I don't give a shit because you all suck.

Fuck, no wonder why I hate humans, I don't even feel like one ever, fuck all these scum fuckers.

🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

So, I'm not at home and I don't understand why I'm feeling so lonely and alone when I have people around me, but it sucks, it hurts a lot and I can't go back home because there's a lockdown again and I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I just wanna go back home...

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Dear nobody,

Maybe when people say they love me, all they mean is that they tolerate me enough to not leave...

Because it sure seems like it...

Even my boyfriend is too busy to help me...

I really am alone.

Well I guess I finally got my wish...

Maybe I should just finally end it all...

I know I never will though, I'll just suffer through it, as always...

I'll eventually be pulled back together the way I always am; still broken but now I have my mask on, the semi emotional numbness and numbness will return.

I'll feel okay, my version of okay, again.

Okay, well, bye.

- Me

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

I just wanna kill myself!

I'm exhausted, to the point where I'm dizzy.

My cat is annoying the fuck out of me.

My sister and her fiance are driving me crazy because they've got videos playing on loudspeaker.

And it's 1am!

I just want some fucking sleep!!!!!!!!!!!

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Dear nobody,

I ended up having doubts about my relationship tonight and instead of bottling it all up and just talking to you about it, I ended up just talking to him about it.

It felt good to talk about it with him, and I feel a lot better now.

I'm so thankful he doesn't get mad at me when I doubt our relationship, he makes me happy.

I just get scared that he'll wake up one day and realise he doesn't love me anymore... but I guess that's the price you may have to pay for loving someone.

Well, that's about all I wanted to say... I think...

Anyway, bye.

- Me

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Hi again...

I wish I had someone to talk to... but it's late and I don't really want to disturb anyone...

So... I guess... here we go...

I feel depressed... and I don't know why... but it hurts... I can't stop crying and well... at the moment... I wish I could sleep... forever...

I... I don't want to continue this way... depressed, feeling like I'm alone and have no one to talk to... but it feels like no one ever wants to listen to me ramble on about my sadness... so I don't really talk about it...

I'm feeling kinda suicidal but I'll get over it again in the morning... I won't end my sadness... I know it would hurt other people... I don't want to be the person who hurts others by hurting myself... at least not in a way that anyone can see... or where anyone can see...

I don't know if I'll ever be better...

I hope I do...

This sucks...

Maybe I should get help...

I don't think anyone can help me though...

I guess I'll just deal with it. Like I always do...

Goodbye for now... I guess...

- Me

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Hey, it's been awhile... I guess I haven't needed this account because life was going good, well, for the most part...

I got into a wonderful loving relationship, I started school recently, but then my health started falling apart again... I can usually just cry it out the night before and then just go to sleep and wake up feeling, well, normal...? I guess...? At least, my normal... but this time I couldn't...

I couldn't even get out of bed because I was so dizzy, nauseous and exhausted...

I talked to my mum about it today and she got mad at me. I told her that if things were still going the way they were I'd probably have to drop out, you know, I figured she'd understand seeing as she can see what I'm trying to deal with but I guess not... so it didn't go well...

Now I hate myself... everyone was proud of me... now they've just realised I'm a sad and broken sack of shit... maybe I am one...

I almost cried on the phone to my boyfriend just now... I don't know why I couldn't, he doesn't hate me but I guess I don't want to talk to anyone about it...

Although, I think I might go silently cry now... or at least try to be as silent as possible.

Goodbye

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

I feel like I should just force myself to do things so that I can make everyone happy.

It really feels like I manage to hurt people no matter what I do and maybe I should just do things I don't feel like I can do in order to keep everyone else happy so they all leave me alone.

Force myself to get up when I don't feel like I can mentally do it, do chores even when I'm exhausted, do everything, just do everything, maybe everyone will finally leave you alone. Maybe... hopefully... I just want sleep...

Feeling this way sucks but I don't know... it would just be easier

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to eat

you need to stop punishing yourself by not eating when you make a mistake

it’s not right

and it’s not okay

this needs to stop

please

it needs to end

please

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

There's this guy I met less than a month ago and he's such a sweet guy, is there for me, is a gentleman, listened to me about my problems. The problem? I'm scared to get hurt again, scared to ruin the friendship but he's also in a relationship.

I know it's a bad thing that I like him when he's in a relationship but I don't want to tell him. Like, at this point, I want to keep this forever, which is probably a good idea.

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Why do I even fucking try?!

I always know what the outcome will be

No one can truly love me and they all eventually realise it and leave me

I need to stop falling

Too hard

Too fast

Having things go too quickly

I just want someone to stay

To love me

Always and forever

I also don't want anyone else ever again and this time I fucking mean it

The happiness isn't worth the eventual pain

Things get too good and then it all crashes and burns

I want it again but I don't want to get hurt again

What the fuck do I do?

Why am I not good enough?

I'm too much trouble

Too much to handle

There's never going to be anyone who stays

Let them all try

But from now on

Never say yes

Never allow someone else to make you happy

Make you happy

Never even let anyone access your heart ever again

It's for your own good

You don't need anyone

You don't need that hurt

Pretend you're not hurt

Pretend you don't want anyone

It's better for you

And anyone else who may want you as theirs

No matter how much you want to be theirs

Be their friend

That's it

No boyfriend

No girlfriend

No partner

No husband

No wife

No one to call your own

Never again

I swear if you do

You'll only get hurt again

Plus I'll slap you so hard

And force you to wake up from the love bullshit

Sincerely,

This broken mess.

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

Some days

The thought of death and dying seems like the silliest and funniest thing to me

Other days it feels like a dream come true

Like it couldn't come sooner

Some days I just want it to end

Some days I never want it to end

It's the weirdest thing, depression

It comes and goes like water

Granted it's still there

It always will be

But some days hit you harder than others

That's why some days I don't want to go outside

Heh, I don't even want to look in a mirror

Some days I don't even have the energy to get up

I still do, because I have to

Some days I don't want to see anyone or talk or think or feel or even breathe

Because, sometimes even that's too hard to do

Some days I want to drown in my sorrows

And some days it feels like I don't have any

Some days are better than others

But I'm still trying

I still get out of bed on days I have to

I try to be positive and not bring down the mood

Even though all I want to do is cry

And scream

And just sleep everything away

And pretend I don't exist

The problem is

The bad days seem to be more occurring than the good days at the moment

I have so much happening

My boyfriend wants a break from me

Which is hard to do when you see each other four times a week

I have to spend days around him

Trying not to cry

I did though, once

He held my hand and it broke my heart so much that I cried

I couldn't take it

He still wants to be with me

I don't understand it

I'm nothing special

Right now I wish I was nothing

At all

Every I love you now

Breaks me but heals me

Every time I see him

It hurts but it somehow also makes me happy?

His voice hurts me but makes me happy and safe

And that's the problem

I want to be happy with him but it just hurts so much right now

I just want someone to talk to

And ask if I'm okay

And for me to be able to say I'm really not

I'm far from okay right now

Today is a day

A bad day

Everything hurts

And I just want to cry

Please someone help me

But also don't bother

I have so many problems

And all I do is hurt people

Please leave me alone

Sincerely

A walking disaster

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

I wish I didn't get attached to people, I really do and I know that sounds harsh or cold but I'm just so scared. I'm scared that everyone will one day realise how much of a terrible person I am or how disgusting I am or how dependant I am on others and that I need so much help in life, in so many ways. That one day everyone I know and love is going to turn around and tell me this was all some sick joke and they never liked me to begin with. Then I'll be alone, finally. I never deserved these people anyway. I don't understand why any of them love me or care about me. I have so many problems and I don't deserve anyone in life. I just want everyone to leave before I get too attached and fall apart.

I just want to stop being scared, I want people to stop leaving without telling me why, I just want them to stop leaving in general. I just want it to stop. I just want someone, anyone, to not leave, at all. To finally feel like I belong somewhere, with someone, I just want happiness, true happiness.

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

"Please don't love me, it's a waste"

- Let Me Die by Lil Happy Lil Sad

[left-alone-in-my-thoughts]

I feel alone

No one understands

No one seems to care

I feel so isolated

I shouldn't care but it hurts so bad

Why is this happening?

Do I deserve this?

What did I do wrong?

I just want to sleep and never wake up again