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leftfoot · 4 years ago

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Another drunk poem

Here I am

20 years old

20 years old and feeling like anything but

Do I have an old soul?

Or is that just what clueless adults say

To a child forced to grow up

Much too fast

Once that old soul is expected to achieve

Anything other than emotional and intellectual depth

At least in my experience,

It trips up

How do you be a functional adult

When you are still figuring out how

To exist in your body?

I still feel 12

13

14 15 16

17

There was a transition for 18, 19

And finally 20

I feel all of these versions of myself

At all times

I feel like I never got a chance to say goodbye

To anything

Or anyone

Life goes by so fast

But I go so slow

I never got the chance

To breathe between the punches

That my life has dealt

So the pain I feel now

Is the same pain I felt

In all versions of my childhood

Just grown

Into something I have no idea how to help

My scars will never go away

I know I can soften them

But how do I do that

When no one ever taught me how?

I was raised by damaged people

And consequently

They damaged me

I am left to pick up the pieces they broke

While also, suddenly

Navigating adulthood

I don’t know how to function

Simply existing drains me

I cant make it through a day

Without memories of what once was

Consuming me

The knowledge that those times

Will never exist again

And that version of myself

Is somehow just who I am now

Time confuses me

I don’t know why half of me is still in the past

Yet somehow I am also an independent adult

I don’t have to tell anyone where I am going

But I still believe I do

I am not in a traumatic moment

But my body thinks I am

I am not a child

But I still feel like I am

Where do you go

And who do you turn to

When you are this lost?

#spilled ink #bad poetry #drunk poetry

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leftfoot · 4 years ago

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another untitled poem about my twin flame

I left

I know I had to

I’m getting to know myself

And learning to love them

I had to be alone

But god I miss you

I miss you more than my mothers cooking

I miss you more than the first northern snow

More than the deep quiet forests

And soft morning dew

Today you are another year older

I have known you for five birthdays

Some of which we have not spoken

But for every single one

You have been the only thing on my mind

I love you

You are the only person I want to build a life with

Yet I’m a thousand miles away

We still talk

But I wish I was really there

I wish I could just hug you

And tell you how proud I am

I only want you

Everyone else feels like a lie

We are both with someone

Do you feel the way I do?

Are you in pain too?

I feel like I’m lying whenever I’m with her

I will not marry her

Unless it’s you, I don’t think I’ll marry anyone

I will probably die alone

But I won’t be alone

Because no matter how hard we try

It’s impossible to stay away from one another

Even if I’m not at the alter

I hope I’m in your wedding one day

But I dream of building a family with you

Every day

You make the idea of growing old exciting

#twin flame #spilled ink #drunk poem #twin flame poetry #I love you #I miss you #I wish I was there

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leftfoot · 4 years ago

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Update for no one but I’m in a zoom NA meeting and I’m proud of myself

This time last year

I was in rehab

I didn’t think I needed it

I stayed three months

And in those months

I lived an entire life

Three months

Three months filled with love

And loss

I learned so much

But not enough to stay sober

Maybe I should’ve told myself I would stop

But I never wanted sobriety

I haven’t been to an AA or NA meeting since they would load us into the van

And make us go

I didn’t like them

I don’t believe in a god

So how could the twelve steps possibly be for me?

Maybe they still aren’t

But tonight I am looking up meetings in my area

I might go tomorrow

Or maybe I’ll be too drunk to remember

#spilled ink #na #narcotics anonymous

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leftfoot · 4 years ago

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This time last year

I was in rehab

I didn’t think I needed it

I stayed three months

And in those months

I lived an entire life

Three months

Three months filled with love

And loss

I learned so much

But not enough to stay sober

Maybe I should’ve told myself I would stop

But I never wanted sobriety

I haven’t been to an AA or NA meeting since they would load us into the van

And make us go

I didn’t like them

I don’t believe in a god

So how could the twelve steps possibly be for me?

Maybe they still aren’t

But tonight I am looking up meetings in my area

I might go tomorrow

Or maybe I’ll be too drunk to remember

#spilled ink #drunk poem #drunk poetry

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leftfoot · 4 years ago

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another unedited poem. Magpie

It’s been five years

From the moment I met her I knew she was the one

I was a freshman in highschool

She was a sophomore

Our love was tumultuous

But it was all I wanted

When she left for college, she found someone new

Within a week, I had someone new

My new love would have done anything for me

My longest relationship to date

But I couldn’t shake the old love

After not speaking for a year

My first and I reconnected

We both had girlfriends

But the feelings were as strong as ever

We entertained infidelity

But she couldn’t go through

Our relationships were both over within six months

But we didn’t try again

If she had said the word, I would’ve dropped everything

I would have stayed

But she didn’t

I moved across the country

I had a new love the same day

We were together for a while

This time I wanted to make it work

I was so enamored with this new place

That when the veil was lifted

I saw only red flags

So I ended it

Throughout all of this

My first and I kept contact

Talking every day

Updating one another on our very different lives

Still, if she said the word I would drop everything

I have another new love

I was resigned to the idea of it being a summer romance

But just like the second, I know she loves me more

Than I am capable of loving anyone but my first

She is moving across the ocean

She wants to make it work

But I don’t

I’ve had four relationships now

I’ve slept with multiple people in between

Trying to feel the love I know I can feel

But it always circles back to my first

First kiss, first time, first love, first partner in crime

Maybe it would be different if we didn’t talk daily

But a year of no contact has proven that to be futile

So I am left empty

Trying to fill a void with the bodies of people who love me so much

So much I think that maybe, just maybe

I might love them as much

But it doesn’t work

All I want is her

This girl I met when I was 14

And have loved every day since

Almost 20

And all I want is her

My magpie

#ghost blog #spilled ink #first love #heartache #poetry #shitty poetry #twin flame #twin flames

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leftfoot · 4 years ago

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Heres a drunk poem for my side blog with no followers

I feel empty

I am so terrified of being an addict

But I’m already an addict

I pretend I’m not

One drink

One white claw turns into 6

One white claw

Turns into triple shots of fire

I’ve already been to rehab

I think I got it before I needed it

But maybe I always need it

Or something

I wake up hungover at 6 AM

I groggily get ready in 20 minutes

I buy three roller bites from 7 eleven

Monterey Jack, beef and cheese, and Buffalo

I get a mean bean Java monster

Some days I also get ten dollars in gas

I don’t remember the last time I even had half a tank

And I drive 15 minutes to work ten hours

I feel fine by the end of my shift

But the mornings are hard

Only to come home and drink again

I know the opposite of addiction is connection

But I hardly spend a moment alone

So why is this happening?

Every time I take a shot I think of kurt

Kurt R

Rehab was hard

But not getting the opportunity to know him after rehab was harder

I think of how disappointed he would be

To see me following him

The man I dubbed my father in our few short months together

Like galaxies colliding

But his galaxy shot itself in the head

Two weeks after graduating rehab

For the second time

Once again I am fatherless

I think about his actual daughters

Which is funny

He said I reminded him of his oldest

I am my biological fathers oldest

I wish he would’ve shot himself instead

He still gets to walk this earth and abuse whoever crosses his path

Kurt wanted to get better

But he didn’t

He’s fucking dead and he’s not coming back

His four daughters are left scrambling

And the daughter he met in those brief months

Brief months attempting to heal

Takes up his torch

#I’m so sad #it was a year ago a month from now #poetry #drunk poetry #drunk poem #loss #rehab #rehab trauma

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leftfoot · 6 years ago

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Trigger warning: suicide