legoman9010

[legoman9010]

XLVI: be good

And they would find their peace here Their comfort and delusion And they would sing: Where are them people I once knew? Now we are but a few!

I dream of white I dream of gold I dream of trees, tall and old I dream of war machines who stand so proud I dream of rivers, wide and loud

I hear the song of destined death I smash my tears upon my breath I see them jagged bolts of heaven fire I strain against my foul desire

I make myself into a girl I give my awesome dress a whirl I trade my mind for sweeter bliss I trade my soul, just for a kiss

I drown myself and rise anew And find a me who's good and true

[legoman9010]

XLV: Goodbye

In my wildest dreams I hold a great feast in my college house In the dream the house floats above the clouds The sun casts gorgeous pinks across the horizon as it falls into it All my friends come There are chicken wings and pizza and slow roasted pork bellies Beer and chocolate milk flow freely And stars flicker in the skies above The back garden is full of roses and towering corridors of poplar trees Mazes of wild flowers swaying in the fading light Petals float on the cool summer breeze and cicadas sing until the moon comes out Inside the boys play chess with a fury and the girls laugh and laugh and laugh There are beautiful floaty tunes and heavy beats that shake the ground And we dance beneath the stars as the galaxies bloom and burn

[legoman9010]

XLIV: Will O' the Worm

Hunger is the worm Who curls around my finger Who whispers in my ear I go mad Roam blood soaked plains Killing and eating and killing and eating I sack great cities and put them to the torch I hoard gold and weapons atop a lonely mountain I try to buy my freedom Kill for it But I am hopeless The stars wont move backwards by my will or wish alone I build ships and scatter them across the void I clothe myself in empire and eat the planets in the sky I slay the giants and the dragons and stack their corpses beneath my throne And find myself fettered still To the worm and its will For the worm is hunger pure and true The second law, whose writ is doom I imagine myself a flower amongst flowers In a garden at the beginning of all time I sing the song of the universe (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) Divine mathematics to undo poised truth (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) New rules (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) New hope (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) My brothers and sisters take up the chant (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) And at what is now the end of time (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) A million billion years from now (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) Another me looks to the sky (halt, ye mighty pilgrims) The stars hang still and quiet A chill air rises And the worm begins to scream

[legoman9010]

XLIII: Tender Reverie

The little light flickers as it burns It casts golden shadows His breathing slows He is afraid So afraid But his breath must slow, so it does Things lurk beyond his little light Hungry things His lips offer prayer, barely moving He mumble whispers verse after verse after verse Light takes shape Light births more light Motes dance around him Winking in and winking out They will keep him safe for now For now His heart slows and slows He doesn't move Doesn't raise his eyes from his candle The candle is all he has Distant he hears them singing to him Sweet soft lullabies that promise everything and more He doesn't move He wants to They eat at the corners of his world Unraveling light Filling the void between with angel song His hands are pressed together They do not shake His breath is steady, slow They circle Circle He can feel them watching him He looks to the light And it tells him what to do

[legoman9010]

XLII: Sunlit, Moonspun, Earthbound

This is a story of Red and Blue This is a story of me and you

-

Red is the sun and blue the moon My mighty empire lies in ruin Red is lines and angles too So Blue is wave and fungal bloom

-

I am the lantern and the knife The little bird so full of strife The nine tailed fox, crowned with eyes And the cheshire cat, who always lies

-

Frantic panicked swords are clashing I hear space witches cackling Their magics set the air aflame As Moon-spun curses scream my name

-

Sunfire burns like nothing else Searing lungs and loss of self In a garden at start of time We grow roots, and begin to climb

-

Mine art is a slow kind Magic born from my own mind Magic not of moon nor star For I could never reach so far

-

I am you and you are me A thousand gifts I give to thee Candles bright and math so true Humble fire and skies of blue

-

I am the girl who ate the Sun At least its not the only one I am the boy who built the World Soaked in sweat with fingers furled

-

If red the sun and blue the moon I am the sea, and my name is June

[legoman9010]

XLI: Humble Fire

He falls, tumbling over and over Until he hits the water, all he knows is animal fear Under it, she knows everything She hangs in a daydream blue sky There is no up or down No ground, no horizon Just her She breaths and her world breathes with her Clouds swirl and billow into life around her Whispering secret fealties She reaches out And they reach for her They breathe for her And when she screams they scream for her Ionic lullabies to lift her heart and free her mind To unmake her foes With them, she writes new rules on the fabric of the universe And all the atoms sing as one

[legoman9010]

XL: Seeds

But now my dreams are clad in amber

And I fear no more

For when my forest burns again

I will keep safe what I must

[legoman9010]

XLIX: We are one

Inside this machine, our three hearts beat as one

Our three minds think as one

We are a beast of steel and blood and fettered plasma with a burning heart of starfire

We are woven into each other

Like so many colored threads

We are kaleidoscope of tangled dreams

Swirling around and around and around

Dancing amongst the brilliant flicker glimmer memories that make a mind a garden a sea an ocean of teeming violent forever beauty

We are frenzied speed given form

We are jazz and blues and everything in between

We are fucking disco

[legoman9010]

XLVIII: Les Arbres Les Arbres Les Arbres

I can feel dreams running through my veins like liquid fire

Racing up my spine

My heart beating beating hummingbird beating

Cold when they crash into my mind

They crystallise

Bloom

Weave themselves around me and through me

My chest is still

-> I don't want to be a boy anymore <-

I’m knitting, see?

Weaving new histories for myself

Can't you see?

I dream and you dream and then we are one thing

One whole thing, one system

Interwoven, entangled, superimposed

A hundred horse hooves thunder and I stand still

You fill me with swords and spears and bombs and knives and I stand still

-> I want to be your boy <-

My chest is still

I tap my fingers together

I close my eyes

And the dream begins again

[legoman9010]

XLVII: Liar's poem

I have this memory of you Your mouth curling into a smile I play it over and over again in my head It gets smaller every time I do

[legoman9010]

XLVI: IMMA in the sun with the dragons

Birdsong Tables with white tablecloths Little coffee cups The house that sits in the middle of the garden Cool summer air The smell of flowers and sunlight The taste of coffee on the top of my mouth My head feels light and floaty My hands tap the table and my foot hops up and down I’m talking about chess I think Erika is writing an email and kind of listening to me We haven’t really slept but it doesn’t seem to matter Jamie’s making cinnamon toast in the kitchen Nathans gone I keep wanting to go back here To drink tea until 3 just one more time I want Nathan to drive me home and make me laugh

I think I like this part of the year the most The bit where spring turns to summer This time I want to build things And be happy And I’m so sure I can now For the first time in a long time the world seems to have slowed down And I want to stay here for a while

[legoman9010]

XLV: Hunger Moon

Mostly when I think about February I remember the bad stuff

February fell like surrendering

Even though it was anything but that

February felt like hope

The kind that comes with morning sunlight

February felt like hunger

For old things and new things

February was watching friends melt away like spring snow

February was cold sweats and shaking hands

February was about the journey west

And the long lonesome way home

February was about the girl inside me

Who just wanted to dance

February was about kings and knights

And how they ruled the planets in the sky

February was a fox smiling softly

And all the little tricks it taught me

February was watching the moon swell in the sky

And wondering why it made me feel so disquieted

February felt like forgetting

Forgetting is like a prison

February was cold

February was quiet

February was about freedom

And the price of it

February was about fear

And how to set fire to it

February was a prayer

To forget all the things I couldn't ever have

February was a dragon

But not a strong and mighty one

February was sugar and smoothies and cakes and chocolate

February was about slow magic

The only kind that really works

February was about things not said

February was about empires of red and blue

Of green and gold

-

Mostly when I think about February I remember the bad stuff

But I also remember watching Netflix with you

And how that helped me move on more than anything

Thank you

[legoman9010]

XLIV: Rainbow

I’m dancing in my room alone

Spinning and spinning and spinning

“This is happiness”

Says my brain

And I can’t bring myself to disagree

[legoman9010]

XLIII: This is for you

And no matter where I look now, I see him

My boy, my king

I hear him when I stop and listen to the world

I feel him when I close my eyes

I hold him in my little dreams

-

He presses something into my hands

A gift

A little wooden chess piece, my favourite one

He tells me it’s for luck

I tell him it’s for killing things

He knows I don’t mean it

He knows how much I love lucky things

I thank God for making me this way

 -

We are standing up to our ankles in the shallow water

He looks at me that way and tells me its all going to be ok

I just look at my feet

-

As the world washes off, I see him one last time

Standing at the window with the cat wrapped around his neck like a giant scarf

He’s laughing at something I said that I didn’t think was all that funny

It’s raining outside  

 -

My body is all gooey and tingly

I’m sweating and shaking and laughing

I’ve been here so many times

I love you too much

Damn it

 -

I pray for a different history

Where we are just boys, and the sky is blue

And there is no me and there is no you

 -

I remember you saying that we didn’t need to win, we just had to play

When you play you find patterns

Patterns are great because they can be used to make things bigger than themselves

 -

I kiss my boy

Maybe because I want to

Or maybe because I want to want to

It doesn’t matter

I kiss my boy and I’m sitting on the grass just before the first of those tectonics practicals

He’s running in circles around the pitch, and I cheer him on like an enthusiastic parent

Some other time we’re there again, wrestling in the mud as the rain comes down, laughing and yelling idle threats

I kiss my boy and he tells me how I’m going to win

“It’s like a dance” he says, spooning cereal into his mouth like there’s no tomorrow

“You just need to know where to put your feet, everything else will come to you”

I pray he’s right

I kiss my boy as the horses crash into each other

Splinters flying, men dying

My war is not your war, I know

I’ll find you when it’s over

 -

I’m on my hands and knees in the garden, pulling up weeds

You crouch next to me and try to shove soil into my mouth

I laugh because I don’t mind

The sun is back in the sky, and my heart is back in my chest

From here on out, it doesn’t matter that you’re not with me anymore

All that matters is that you were

[legoman9010]

XLII: The Butterfly Dream

Dear Puck,

I will always remember the day we first met. I was hiding in the arts and crafts room in the west wing of the Vostok palace, playing one of those silly puzzle games you Functionalists love so much. I should have been at my classes, but you know how much I hate those cramped old rooms. Besides, I had just saved up enough for a massive chocolate bar made with real cocoa, the ones they used to import from the European States, and I knew the teachers wouldn’t let me eat it in there.

Anyways you and Maria came bursting in, arguing (loudly as always) about some obscure Mean Field strategy. While she gave out to me for skipping class, you noticed the tablet in my hands. I still remember how your eyes lit up. How your words tumbled over each other as you asked to see it. Of course it only took you about half minute to solve the puzzle that had been vexing me for hours. When you handed me back the tablet, grinning like the hyperactive child you were, I plucked up the courage to ask you why your house was so obsessed with games and puzzles. As I saw it, more beauty and meaning could be conveyed through a book, and there was more fun to be had hanging out with my house sibs. You just smiled your devious little smile and told me that one day, I would know the answer. I’m writing to you now because I think that day has come. And maybe also because I really need your help.

You love games for the same reason you loved my sister. Games aren’t just about math and rules, they are like little worlds we make in order to understand the one we live in. I remember the smile you wore that day because I see it everytime you read one of Maria’s esoteric poems (not the love poems, I know they always bored you).

I saw you at the dinner the other day. You looked lost, like a penguin does when it wanders off from the rookery. I know you still miss her. I do too.

The moon queen and her pet Martian tried to talk to you, all smiles and laughs, but even when you smiled back, I could see the anger behind your eyes.

We can beat them, Puck. Despite what the professor says I think I’ve found a way. A trick within a trick. It’s incredibly risky, but if they all fall for it, we win, and they look like fools. We show them that there is beauty where math and language meet. Maria believed it and so do you, I know it. 

Win one more game for me. Not for glory or for the reputation of your house. Not for me.

Do it for my sister.

Yours in mathematical defiance,

Rayline LXXVII, The Cartesian House

 P.S. — Do you still have that old cat? The one that used to pick fights with the penguins down the street? If by some miracle that wretched thing is still breathing, I’d love to see him one more time. I never thought I’d admit this, but I actually miss him. And you. I miss you also.

[legoman9010]

XLI: The way to the dream

Rain patters on glass panes

My bare feet sink into cool wet soil

Green and little ghosts all around me

I don’t have a plan

But I have a feeling

And it will take some time

[legoman9010]

XL: The day that everything changed

[19]

Red calls me while I’m waiting at the Drogheda bus station

I’ve been solving chess puzzles on my phone for the past hour, waiting for dad to pick me up

So when he calls I get quite excited as I’m a bit bored

I’m at that stage where I feel amazing about everything

The days are getting warmer

And everything is so much fun

Anyways I pick up and explain I can’t do a games night because I’m at the Drogheda bus station and that I have to go home and fight for my sexuality

I’m not sure if I made a ton of sense

But yeah so I get home thinking that I’m not ready but I get some food in me and take my adhd medication and I start feeling better

My mind starts to go quiet

And when it starts I’m not fighting

I’m dancing