leicheesprime

[leicheesprime]

a little ball of anxiety.

Recently, I've had so many frequent anxiety attacks. This morning, I realized that I feel like I'm not myself anymore. It's like I've lost myself. I feel like I'm observing my life outside of my body. and then it hit me, it's like I'm a little ball of anxiety.

I've come to terms that this isn't normal. It hit me once again when I started being on medication for severe anxiety that this is really my life. I live with a severe mental illness (or rather mental illnesses, lol.) It is profoundly chaotic and overwhelming suffering from such illnesses. The constant crying; the repeated anxiety attacks. It is just so much.

It isn't easy having to fight for your life every second of your life. doubting yourself, believing the lies that your mind whispers to you.

and that's all you are. a little ball of anxiety.

[leicheesprime]

"anxiety, keep(s) on trying me".

I've started listening to Doechii recently and her song "Anxiety", which stood out for me (probably because I'm all about promoting mental mental health and reducing its stigma, lol). Well, basically Doechii is right. Anxiety, constantly tries an individual like the entire time. The chaos that occurs in the music video is a literally illustration of how anxiety is depicted.

Chris Brown also makes reference to anxiety in the Angel Numbers/Ten toes song whereby he sings "anxiety, don't let the pressure get to your head". and it does, the pressure is so profound that that's all it is, anxiousness. fear, being sucked in a big, black hole. my entire life, I would constantly hear people say to me "you like or you enjoy stressing out or worrying". And that's never the case, never was and never will be. That's what people do not understand about anxiety, well generalized anxiety disorder to be specific. Generalized anxiety disorder involves constant worryingg about something you are not even aware of. This results in your heartrate is beating at a rapid rate, muscle tension, fatigue, hypervigiliance. Therefore, the persistent worring and/or stressing is quite a norm in this case and is also unintentional. anxiety is when you also overthink and you are constantly in your head. which is quite unhealthy. too much adrenaline is pumped into your system, you are always fatigued, sleeping, your body is always sore, you are always crying. I, to be honest, never enjoy stressing or being anxious (I mean what's there to enjoy? I'm constantly worried and anxious for something that I'm not even aware of), it just comes naturally. Mental illness intrudes and invades into your home (your home being your mind) like a thief, without your knowledge or consent. it comes rushing in like a cold breeze, unexpectedly so. It trespasses your mind and starts altering the manner in which your brain functions. You end up believing those negative, intrusive and unsettling thoughts. you end up being stuck in your bed; being afraid to leave your bed or being afraid to leave the house.

Basically, mental illness does not knock. it just enters with no consent.

[leicheesprime]

living with anxiety.

I swear, this is the most challenging and the most brutal thing I have ever experienced.

In primary, I thought me constantly worrying and having a rapid heartbeat was normal only to find out that I was prescribed with anxiety medication. Therefore, I thought it was normal, I mean I was a child I did not think it was something serious. Little did I know, how painful and worse it would get at a later stage. I struggled with anxiety, had ongoing attacks, I still did not know how bad anxiety is or how bad it would be. I somehow had a calling to study psychology to understand how the mind works and that's when I realized that I have the same symptoms as generalized anxiety disorder and I was diagnosed with it a few years ago. As years went by, I had to be aware of my triggers and to avoid them by all means due to the fact that whenever I get triggered it leads to an anxiety attacks. Battling with mental disorders is basically you losing control over your mind; your dark and twisted thoughts are always telling you that you are in danger when you are not. being trapped into a mind as dangerous as this one is so exhausting; being at war with your mind every second. having to self-medicate just so you can feel numb and fall asleep easily. having to cry every single day because of how tired you are from listening to your thoughts all day.  the staring into space and zoning out whenever someone speaks to you. having to deal with people who call you "crazy" and the stigma that mental illness somehow carries. the agony and pain that you carry with every day, not knowing if you are living in complete darkness or whether darkness lives in you. but at the end of the day, the darkness consumes you.

the list goes on and on, it could be different for some people but we are experiencing the same thing. whoever you are, wherever you are, you are not alone.

[leicheesprime]

the struggles of a woman.

Women have been belittled, mocked and marginalized for so many years. The society and its patriarchy norm has told us that we have no voice no matter how loud we shout.

For numerous years, we have struggled to get into formal work places because of the norm that only men should get into that specific work area. I mean, back in the day, women would stay home and raise their children, feed them and their husbands. They would cook, clean and do the laundry and watch their husband's go to work everyday. The housewives concept goes way back there whereby a man's duty is to provide for his wife and children. Women were not allowed to wear pants and do manly duties. We, women, are portrayed as inferior in this entire world in which our voices are not heard. We are told not to wear too much make, don't wear make up; do not wear pants, do not wear revealing clothes. We have been told so many things just to satisfy the society. This system is built to accommodate and practice the patriarchal concept whereby it has become a norm against females.  Women have literally birthed men who grow up to be misogynists who end up being anti-women, abusing, and raping us. The men that we should be depending on and are supposed to be fighting for us are instead fighting us. Majority of the men have this ridiculous sense of entitlement to feel the need to touch us when it is completely uncomfortable for us. When we do not like someone who approaches us and end up rejecting him, he feels the need to become aggressive and angry which leads to him killing us and throwing our bodies in the bushes. Everytime a woman is abused, they would ask "what were you wearing?" Whereby men rape women not clothes, so when that 8 day old baby was raped, what was she wearing then? You cannot tell me she was wearing revealing clothes. Whenever a woman is physically abused, they'd ask "what are you doing to him hat provoked him to raise a hand on you?" "Why are you opening up about this now?" "Why didn't you just leave him?" When in fact it is not even easy doing any of this. We have been told since early ages not to wear revealing clothes when our uncles come visit us, whereby our fatherly figures are the ones should protect us from harms way.  We have been told to be safe, learn self defense, to always have a taser with us in order to protect ourselves from men who cannot control themselves.

On top of that, being a black woman in this world has become a threat to the system that's built for whites and males. We have become silenced for so many decades to a point where now we have risen and are able to use our voices, people see us a threat. Black women could be so educated but end up unemployed or in a position that is lower, earning a low income just because of our race and gender.

I mean, apartheid and racism has not really ended. We still find some racism remarks about ourselves, people telling us that "you are too pretty to be dark skinned", I mean that is quite an unnecessary remark about our race.

In addition, women have been told what and what not to do just to please men. When in fact men should be taught about the safety of women too.

Since birth, we were "educated" by the society on what to wear, to wear make up and to dress like a girly girl with pink dresses, and skirts ; we were groomed in order to be ladies from birth. We have been oppressed and marginalized into thinking we are not adequate to fit in this patriarchy society.

Let us break this norm, and let women who want to be independent be independent for themselves and stop this norm that men will eternally be superior compared to us. Let us women, empower each other instead of shaming and dragging each other down. Let us stand together and form a united front.

[leicheesprime]

loss of mind.

it starts eating you slowly like some starving parasite. it swallows you without even thinking twice.

you start crying out of the blue, with an explanation that is incredibly indescribable. you start forgetting way much easier. zoning out more often. staring into space. you start losing your mind. your mind begins making up intrusive thoughts that you end up believing; you believe that you are lazy, pathetic, useless and a burden to others. your mind fills up with lethal, suicidal thoughts that lead you to doing an overdose on medication. you just need everything to stop. an end to what you are feeling. maybe life would make sense without your existence that your mind has made up to be useless. you feel soulless, with no purpose in life. waking up everyday to face yet another difficult day, having to force a smile so that you don't have to tell people why you aren't okay. you eventually give in and let it take control of you. 

you completely lose control of your mind.

[leicheesprime]

fighting a losing battle.

You are in a war with your mind every living second, fighting a losing battle. War doesn't always have to be between soldiers with guns and other harmful weapons, it can also exist within you, between you and your mind.

Finding yourself randomly crying more often for reasons that you are not even aware of, living in complete sadness. Being consumed by darkness leading you to being profoundly exhausted that you even lose control over your mind and it eventually gives in. Constant mental breakdowns would occur, whereby you'd utter the words "I am so tired" due to the chronic fatigue that takes place within you. You'd find yourself replaying happy memories from the past because you are trying to remember the feeling of happiness instead it deeply saddens you because that happiness no longer exists. You dig deep trying to search for happiness within you yet it's difficult to since all that's inside of you is emptiness and numbness.

you are slowly being swallowed by your mental illness. it sucks the life out of you like a parasite; in fact it is one dangerous and manipulative parasite which is tremendously attached to you no matter what you do. it slowly kills your soul and mind,

  all that's left is your exhausted body.

[leicheesprime]

mental illness feels like being trapped in your own mind. not knowing how to get out. being stuck in complete darkness. the silence of your mind being deafening. your own thoughts screaming silence only. every second you live, you fight your mind. just so you can have a second of peace, but your mind whispers "I am here to stay - I am not going anywhere". to such a point where you don't see the point of fighting anymore. you just don't see the point in living.

[leicheesprime]

celebrate bisexuality ⚤

Bisexuality is defined as a sexual orientation whereby an individual is attracted to both or more genders, whether they are binary or non-binary genders. Bisexual individuals have been treated unfairly by the society in which the society has created ongoing myths and stereotypes regarding bisexuals. 

One can be bisexual although one do not have a history of dating.  One can also be bisexual without having dated a woman. When you know that you are bisexual, you know - trust your gut. It does not mean that you have picked a side when you are a woman or a man who dates a man, instead you have chosen a person that you want to have a committed relationship with. Bisexuals are not selfish or confused, they know who and what they are, and that's not selfish - they know exactly who they are attracted to. In addition, you can be bisexual and still have dated only one gender. Also, you do not have to "come out of the closet" to know that you are a bisexual, it is not entirely necessary, if you want to remain "in the closet", then do so. Bisexual individuals are not 50% straight and 50% gay, they are a 100% bisexual, this is quite insensitive and harsh to bisexual individuals. They are often viewed as gay when they are attracted to the same-sex, and straight when they are attracted to the opposite gender. Listen whenever someone comes out to you or vents to you about their sexuality, avoid saying things like "it's just a phase, it'll be gone", this invalidates their feelings, it's also discouraging and unhelpful. This saying is also a from of hate or discrimination. Bisexuals often experience immense hate, prejudice, discrimination, and rejection which usually turns into homophobia or biphobia. Bisexual individuals also receive hate and prejudice from some of the individuals in the LGBTQI+ community saying that bisexuals are indecisive and that they should instead pick a gender that they are attracted to; when it does not even work that way. It is normal to be uncertain about your sexuality or sexual orientation (bisexuality), it is required that one needs to discover more about it which is really helpful; as long as you know that you are sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally and intellectually attracted to that gender(s). We, bisexual individuals, often hear "God has not created the right person for you yet", when we know who we are attracted to. There are some bisexual individuals who have no preferences, some prefer women and choose to only date women and the same applies to men too - therefore, this allows these bisexuals to encourage one another. A support system that is constantly there for together without judgement, hate and negativity is required during this time for bisexual individuals since such negativity and hate stunts their growth. Bisexual men are usually seen as basically gay and refuse to admit it, whereas bisexual women are usually portrayed as straight and are considered as attention-seekers just for being bisexual. Bisexual women often get rejected by bisexual men since they have been with other men. Most heterosexual men become turned on with the concept of being with bisexual women since they have been with other women. Therefore, they develop a fetish for bisexual women which leads to sexualizing bisexual women and asking them to participate in a threeseome whereas now all bisexual women are into threesomes. Patriarchy has caused biphobia between women and men whereby bisexual men and women are usually invalidates in which their attraction to woman is constantly questioned.

It is evident that people should educate themselves about bisexuality to create awareness in order to prevent or avoid misinformation from the stereotypes and myths developed. Bisexuals are constantly judged as they are just normal beings who are trying to figure things out as much as other individuals. These bisexual individuals are just out here being themselves and are hated for loving the people they love because they do not conform to the heterosexual norm.

[leicheesprime]

How the hell do women survive in this world?

I ask myself this question every single day and I am pretty sure other individuals ask themselves this question too. This is because profound pressure is placed on women by the system, let alone the entire world. Furthermore, women are also treated unfairly compared to men which explains the sexism and patriarchy that occurs amongst women.

Women bleed for a week or two due to menstruation. Thus, they are basically being punished from failure to become pregnant. And to make things even worse, some women, specifically young women from disadvantaged homes cannot even attend school for a few days or more due to lack of sanitary pads. This is because sanitary pads are expensive and they cannot afford to purchase them. The system has denied women the right to have access to free sanitary pads when on the other hand condoms are free and are even available in a few restrooms, yet sanitary pads have to be bought when it is not much of a choice to be on menstruation.

Some men are disgusted by women’s anatomy, yet they drool over what is in between women’s legs. When it is time for them to discuss menstruation, they believe that it is disgusting once again and that it is not manly to talk about such matters. Furthermore, some of these men do not discuss the rape topic too, because of their selfish mentality of them developing a sense of entitlement for women’s bodies for some odd yet despicable reason. Some of these men even have the ‘men/boys will be men/boys’ mentality which somehow explains that they can get over any action they do when they should be held accountable for their behavior and actions.

Most of the women, dark-skinned, to be specific do not feel adequate in the society, let alone in the entire world due to the pressure of the society promoting a lighter skin tone by the use of bleaching products. This is all because of the colourism portrayed within the media amongst some individuals but it is mostly amongst women, along with the image of a perfect, ideal body type that the media influences women to mold into. Also, most women have to deal with the patriarchy whereby they are told that they are not strong or not significant to be able to occupy professional positions in workplaces since most of the positions are occupied my males whereby women even earn a less income than men in most cases. The society portrays an image that women are viewed as less than, therefore being inferior to men. Sexism occurs too; in which it is said in a traditional perspective that women belong in the kitchen or in a domestic position – the typical gender roles. When cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and ironing are basic skills that all individuals should learn regardless of gender. This sexism and inequality is educated when individuals are really young, that girls should wear skirts and dresses whereas boys wear shorts, pants and trousers. And on top of that, colours somehow determine gender, that blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Sports and other activities are also somehow determining factors on gender, that netball, ballet, gymnastics are sports for girls whereas basketball and soccer are for boys. Women were taught at a very young age to feel ashamed for being a girl, they are taught to cover their skins more, and to close their legs. Women have lived every single day as if they should feel guilty for being a woman. Women are taught to sit like a lady, and not to wear revealing clothes when male family members or friends are around, therefore, they are taught to dress appropriately whenever they are around men. Women are told to dress in an appropriate manner that does not draw attention; they are told not to wear provocative clothes since they would ‘look easy’; that they should not wear long clothes since they ‘won’t get a man’ if they dress like that or ‘men won’t find you sexually appealing’. Women somehow survive the cat-calling, the slurs and sexual remarks made by most men when these men firmly believe that these slurs are jokes. Some women also somehow survive one of the traumatizing events of being raped or sexually abused, and then some people would ask them ‘what were you wearing that caused him to rape you?’ and whenever women are physically abused, some people would ask them ‘what did you do wrong’ causing these women to feel guilty. Whenever women have a high body count, some men and other women would call them sluts and that they lack self-respect whereas, it is normalized for men to have a high body count and are praised for being legends. However, when women have a low body count they are called out as prudes.

Women are told not to dress provocatively since it reveals so much of their skin which leads to some men desiring their bodies and eventually sexualizing women. Some of these men are misogynistic and even feel the need to entitlement, and believe that women are sexual objects that they can control. In addition, women are also taught not to walk in the streets at night in order to avoid prying eyes that could cause harm unto them. When instead, all men should be taught not to harm people regardless of gender, that women are humans too and not sexual objects that they should feel entitled to.

At a certain age in women’s lives, they come across individuals that would ask them ‘when are you planning to get married?’ or ‘when are you starting a family of your own?’ which offends some women when they are rather focusing on their dreams and ambitions first, some do not even want to have children. Some of these women are told that they heartless and selfish when they are career-driven and are mothers at the same time, this is because of other people’s perspectives that include that these women somehow do not care about their children since they are spending more time at work.

It is clear that women are remarkable, strong and magical beings since they go through so much and even more on a daily basis yet they remain standing regardless of their everyday struggles. Women experience sexism, and the patriarchy within the society and the entire world which is obviously offensive and frustrating to deal with. At the end of the day women and men should be treated equally since they are both equals, women deserve to receive the same freedom and rights that are given to men; it is quite unfair that women have to fight for the same rights given to men. Yes, of course it is challenging but it is rather crucial for women to create a change in this world by uniting with and empowering every woman out there in order to break the chains of patriarchy, sexism, and other issues discussed above amongst women. Women run the world; after all, wa’thinta abafazi, wa’thinta imbokodo.

[leicheesprime]

an endless loop of your suffering.

A never-ending and painful cycle consisting of anxiety, pain, grief and sorrow that would make you to begin questioning your entire existence as a whole.

You feel so numb to such an extent that you can’t even move; therefore, you are basically paralyzed by your heavy, overflowing and dreadful yet negative emotions. You do not even know how or where to start to reach out for help or guidance although you have a supportive family and friends because it is so difficult to explain to people what and why you are feeling what you are experiencing. You struggle getting out of bed in which it is a struggle and a half due to the fact that you have to face yet another dreadful day. Waking up to another exhausting day, to another day filled with pain and misery, every single day starts to become a routine due to the repetition of the things you do. You randomly start bursting into tears because of how painful facing reality is to an extent that you even start developing unhealthy habits or unhealthy coping mechanisms of consuming pills with the intention of feeling even more numb or so that you could sleep so you can escape your life just so you can ease your emotional pain. Your life has literally become your own personal hell. You also find yourself staring into space whereby you think of how unbearable life is and how your anxious, depressive, dark, twisted and deep thoughts have fully taken over not only your mind, but your body and soul.

Your heart racing every single second due to the chronic anxiety to a point whereby you are woken up by an increased heart rate. The pain of living every minute with a mental health disorder is profoundly indescribable. Because, what hurts the most is that you don’t even know how to express what you are feeling. Suicidal and anxious thoughts then creep into your mind and whisper to you “We are here to stay”. The thing about anxiety is that you constantly live your life off the edge in which you are always worrying about anything that could happen next. You are also easily triggered by the smallest yet inconvenient things that occur on a daily basis. Darkness has taken over your body, mind and soul; it follows you wherever you go with its heavy burden on your bruised and weak shoulders whereby you respond “I am doing good” with a forced smile when asked how you are doing. You constantly fight your mental illness day in and day out which leads to you being weak eventually causing you to throw in the towel – It winning over you. You would then see no point in doing things anymore and you would often find yourself asking: “What’s the point in anything?” to such an extent that you are unable to seek pleasure or interest in several things. You are also exhausted from fighting with your mind since it is occupied with depressive, dark thoughts that have taken over you. Every anxiety attack feels like you are dying whereby you find yourself suddenly crying because of the lack of air entering your lungs, the dizziness, the racing heart beat and the pitch black. Next thing you are on the floor only to remember that you had fainted.

Having mental breakdowns on a regular basis that would lead you to make use of breathing exercises in order to stay calm. Furthermore, you also experience mood swings too whereby people would not understand what you are going through rather they assume the worst of you including you being rude or that you seek attention by behaving in this manner. You then isolate yourself when you are going through all this pain, you also push away those who are willing to stay by your side no matter what.

You feel like a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode.

[leicheesprime]

leaving trails on your skin.

Getting to know your own body is an intense and vital process that needs to occur. This is significant since you need to accept yourself, in which the road to accepting yourself is quite a bumpy one filled with potholes whereby you have a love-hate relationship with yourself and your body since one day you can love yourself and your body and then wake up the next day hating it.

Discovering your flaws and imperfections is crucial because you need to travel throughout your entire body and skin in order to know more about yourself and to become aware of these shortcomings which would lead to accepting yourself.  Throughout this journey, you are required to fight for yourself and choose yourself because at the end of the day it’s you against the world. Furthermore, you are in a constant battle with yourself whereby you need to conquer self-love and self-acceptance regardless of the society’s standards and ideals. The relationship you are required to have with yourself is extreme, marvellous and significant since you are stuck with yourself.

In this case, once again the society puts large amounts of pressure on people, specifically women on how they should look, behave and dress. An entire perfect, idealistic concept of how women should be and how they should conduct themselves has been developed by the society in order to achieve the perfect social order by fulfilling its societal standards, norms and ideals without chaos and contradictions taking place. This concept includes women having big and visible curves with a typical tiny waist – basically a typical concept of a Barbie doll figure accompanied with zero flaws and imperfections along with a round-shaped booty and average sized breasts – basically, the body that Kim Kardashian has shaped into. Reflecting on the above statements, it is evident that we are brainwashed by the society and its tool, social media. Therefore, it is necessary for one to take several walks down a memory lane throughout one’s body.

Basically, what the society is trying to portray is that women should not display any flaws or imperfections. Thus, it elevates the idea of flawlessness amongst women within societies. The society has this despicable concept of how women should look and that we, women should live according to that norm and standard. We basically live in a society where we are not taught to love ourselves and once we do, the society stares at us with disgust since we refused to believe in their concept, instead we believed in ourselves and accepting ourselves. We live in a society that shames us for loving and embracing ourselves and our imperfections. This society undeniably puts unnecessary and constant pressure on us on how our bodies should look like, we are constantly shattered with the social media and its celebrities that encourage and promote plastic surgery since they decided to listen to the society’s body shaming and yet they did not feel comfortable in their own skin.

Beautiful woman, become aware of your flaws. They are the vivid details that are literally stuck with you in which they are the details that mold you into the beautiful and perfect being, at the end of the day. Accept them, embrace them and fall in love with them since the only way to love and accept yourself is to start from within. Fall in love with your weight, and height; adore and embrace your curves whether they are visible or not, your stretch marks, cellulite, and skin tone regardless of what the society yells at you. Do not let the influencers or celebrities fool you or brainwash you with the way in which they visualize and idealize the concept of how flawless women should be and should be manufactured (pun intended). Do not even show an amount of care once you love yourself so much that the society looks at you with loathe and hatred, because at the end of the day, you stuck around and learned to love yourself when the society did not. You honestly do not need to get that plastic surgery in order to receive validation and praise from the society and its concept of an ideal woman.

[leicheesprime]

hello darkness, my old friend.

Darkness is not only the absence of light. It is also a consistent feeling you experience. It then gradually develops into your own distinct ‘home’. By ‘home’, I mean it has sucked you up to the point where it consumes you eventually leading you to become the darkness. And the darkness becomes you. It becomes your home. It feels as if you have welcomed the darkness with wide and open arms when you did not.  It feels like home.  

Well, in this case, the darkness refers to the mental disorders one goes through. You feel like you are in a deep and dark pit surrounded by nothingness. You feel alienated and isolated since many people do not understand what it feels like suffering from mental disorders so they are judgemental towards you along with a lack of empathy for them. Every breath you take is tremendous, inhaling and exhaling is so painful to such a point that it feels like you are breathing fire into your lungs when it is actual oxygen. Basically, living is difficult and dreadful. You even feel like disappearing into thin air. You feel like you are empty, like there is a dark hole in your chest that needs to be filled with something to compensate your loss and grief. You start searching for distractions to fill up this void which include self-medicating with alcohol, overdosing on medication to ease and reduce the pain, using music as a therapy, throwing yourself with all the pile of work just to avoid what you are feeling. Not only has this been emotionally exhausting, it is also spiritually, mentally and physically exhausting to a point where you start losing hope since hardly nothing is going right in your life. You feel so trapped by your dark, empty and sinister thoughts that could pull you into a dark ocean whereby you would eventually sink due to the heavy baggage you carry along with you. You stare into the space questioning your existence which eventually leads to you regretting your entire existence. This darkness will make you feel as if you are in the middle of nowhere whereby you do not know where you would get help and how to get the help you need. You will even feel as if you have a heavy heart since your entire soul has grown tired of you. This darkness has damaged you to such an extent that your mind, soul and body feel unusual; that there is no balance between them. You even start feeling detached and dissociated from your own body, mind and spirit. It makes you feel as if there is a dark and overflowing cloud hanging over you. You wear darkness all over you as if it is a part of your daily routine. You even hate it when people ask you ‘how you are doing?’ because you do not even know how to respond to that question since you do not even know the misery you are going through so instead you lie by responding with a forced smile saying ‘I am good thanks’. Exhaustion crawling into your body along with suicidal ideation and suicidal thoughts accompanying your restless brain whereby you struggle waking up every single day. You experience endless anxiety attacks, enduring mental breakdowns, the crying at night and the constant depressive mood swings, the irritability that no one understands, instead they think you use it as an excuse or think that you are being ‘melodramatic’ and sometimes talking to people might feel as if you are a burden to them which is why you remain silent whereby the silence slowly kills you. You might even want to put an end to the pain and the misery that you are experiencing by committing suicide since everything is not getting better. You might feel as if you are drowning in a dark, endless ocean whereby you are trying by all means to keep your head up but it keeps on dragging your feet down.

Guys, please check up on your friends, even your family members. We are all facing our own darkness that we are not talking about, the least that we could do is to listen and be there for them with no criticism. Please be kind to one another, it literally costs nothing to be kind to someone. If you or someone you know suffers from anxiety, depression or other mental disorders, please urgently seek for help, talk to someone whom you completely trust or you could make use of the following resources:

Adock Ingram Depression and Anxiety Helpline: 0800 70 80 90

South African Depression and Anxiety Group’s Suicide Preventions line: 0800 567 567

South Africa Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 21 22 23/ 0800 12 13 14

[leicheesprime]

the road to healing.

Well, here you are on the road to healing. You have finally reached the destination of healing despite the hardships and struggles from your suffering and fighting your own horrifying demons.

You might have struggled getting out of bed every single morning. You might have pushed people away when they are willing to help or listen to you without complaints or judgements. You might have attempted putting an end to your life. You might have felt as if there is no way out – being blocked out with no light at the end of the tunnel. You might have suffered from chronic fatigue. You might have spiralled out of control due to over thinking. You might have felt as if you are drowning in a body full of dark, black water. You might have felt as if you are a burden to others. You might have felt as if you are not enough – feeling as if you are a dreadful soul full of loss. You might have had trouble sleeping, losing your appetite which leads to weight loss. Your heart might have felt heavy as if it is full of stones. You might have felt as if you are surrounded by darkness and having dark, empty thoughts full of sorrow, anger and grief. You might have woken up to an increased heart rate every single morning. And you might have had constant anxiety attacks feeling as if your lungs are burning.

But, now that is all over. You deserve to be on this road of healing. You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything your heart desires. You have finally reached this stage. Now, you walk the path that brings you joy, happiness and contentment. You have been through so much pain; you need to give yourself a break. You absolutely deserve to walk down this path.

Be proud of yourself for choosing to be happy regardless of your pain. You are enough, strong and beautiful. Be proud of how far you have come. Do not be hard on yourself. Love yourself!

[leicheesprime]

the diary of a dark-skinned woman.

People have been thinking of dark-skinned people, specifically dark-skinned women as unattractive for the longest period of time.  Now it seems as if we, dark-skinned women have gained some appreciation and love for our skin tone. However, there are those individuals who would not seem to date dark-skinned women but, somehow think of them as clout. Therefore, colorism has been depicted within the society.

Within the entertainment industry, most artists, actors and actresses, and musicians consists of light-skinned individuals compared to dark-skinned people whether they are male or female. For example, light-skinned individuals such as Chris Brown, Drake, J-Cole, The Weeeknd, Rihanna, Yara Shahidi, Storm Reid, Zendaya, Amirah Vann, Tracee Ellis Ross, the list goes on and on, who occupy majority of the space within this specific industry. Whereas, there are a few dark-skinned individuals, for example, Morris Chestnut, Pop Smoke, Sheck Wes, Offset, Viola Davis, LoveSongLesedi, Cunning.Hem, and Marsai Martin just to name a few. Therefore, it is illustrated that there is a major preference for light-skinned, not just within this entertainment but within the society or rather the entire world. Dark-skinned individuals are basically treated differently than light-skinned individuals – whereby light skinned people are rather glorified and appreciated than those who are dark-skinned.

In this case, dark-skinned women have constantly felt unattractive; we have been pressured by the society to attempt using bleaching products in order to attain their idea of ideal beauty. Most have literally tried everything in order to be the concept of beauty in the society due to the fact that we admired light-skinned women’s beauty which was and continues to be determined by their skin tones by the work of the society. For years, we have begged for appreciation for our skin tones from the society, when we did not even appreciate our extra melanin. There are other people who maintain their light skin tone because they believe that being dark is incredibly unattractive. Dark-skinned individuals are always asked if they are from other parts of Africa because of their darker pigment, we get questions such as “Are you from other remote corners of Africa, because you look like you live next to the Sun” or “Why are you so dark?”. We lived and continue to live in such a society, or rather, a world whereby being darker in complexion is disgusting or is a horrible thing. We have spent our daily lives being mocked for being a few shades darker than light-skinned individuals. We are usually told by other people that “you are so beautiful for a dark-skinned person” in which they believe that it is a compliment when it is actually an insult – which conveys that such people believe that dark-skinned people are not as beautiful as light-skinned individuals. We have been constantly reminded that we are darker than other women, which we are aware of – this ends up with us questioning our own beauty. How did we expect the society to love us when we did not even love ourselves? We wanted the society’s attention, appreciation and approval to a point where we listened to them when they whispered to our desperate ears that we should use bleaching products to attain the beauty ideal designed by the society. We ended up forgetting the most crucial point which is to fall in love with our skin tones and our other flaws.

For years, we have always hated our skin tone, we questioned our own beauty on a daily basis. Waking up every single morning with hate in our eyes when staring at our reflection in the mirror. We have had tremendous pressure from the society on how an ideal woman should be; these pressures did not only consist of skin tones, but also that an ideal woman should have hairless legs, a big butt, a small waist and curves and to top it all off, the light-skinned skin tone. We have been given numerous roles and standards that we should live according to as women within this society.  After those challenging years, we finally rose from our insecurities and self-loathing. We finally have love for ourselves! We are now stronger than before, despite there being a large number of challenges amongst the society. However, we will not let these hardships and challenges break us!

Dear dark-skinned woman, you are magical. You are worthy. You are enough. You are more powerful than you think. If you are reading this, just know how amazing and beautiful you are. Your melanin shines so brightly it even intimidates the Sun. You are a melanin Goddess. The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice, right?

[leicheesprime]

it’s not all rainbows and unicorns.

Queer individuals don’t consistently see rainbows. They live in a plain world of black or white filled with hatred in which they are constantly hated and judged by the society, let alone the entire world, because they do not live up to the heterosexual norm.

These individuals are constantly reminded of what they are doing is wrong and sinful, they are portrayed as a stain in the society and are looked at with hateful eyes and disgust that lingers on the society’s lips. They often seek validation, approval and acceptance from the society because their own parents do not approve of such. This is where a sense of homophobia comes in. They live in an advanced world yet this world still contains traditional aspects, whereby the Biblical concept of Adam and Eve enters and in which the society consists of God fearing believers telling them that they created themselves, therefore, God did not create such creatures. They are told by the society that they will pray for them so that they can ‘heal’ from being homosexuals. They are being treated as if they contain some terminal disease in which prayer can only heal them from this ‘sickness’ depicted by the society and such interventions like conversion therapy are developed. The society assumes as if they have a mental sickness. They are literally hated for being different and for finding love within a different sexuality. They basically live in a world whereby heterosexuality is the ideal and perfect norm that humans should live up to. The LGBTQI+ community is consistently being told and judged that they created themselves in this manner just because they do not abide by the society’s standards and most importantly God’s rules and laws.

The Bible and the society constantly depicting you as an abomination, whereby the society being immensely judgemental, the very same Christians who believe that God is the one who can judge individuals, yet they are doing God’s job. The society then directs all the different types of stereotypes and hate towards you. Being told that ‘being too gay’ is a problem in which people make use of hate speech such as being called a ‘faggot’. People asking you who the male or the female is in the relationship in either gay or lesbian couples. They do not have the ability to conform within the society because they are different.  These individuals live in fear to the point where they are afraid of kissing their girlfriends (lesbians) or boyfriends (gay couple) or even hold hands in public due to the hateful eyes and the disgust that will pierce into you. Men thinking that it is normal to rape lesbian women thinking that they will become heterosexuals after the non-consensual act.  We live in a world where homophobic men and women watch lesbian porn yet they remain to judge homosexuals. We live in a world where bisexuals and/or pansexuals are told that we are confused, that we are hypocrites, that we should choose whether we are into males or females, that we do not know what we want. The society portrays a norm in which life is binary, that life is either this or that, that we should choose between black or white, being straight or homosexual. This makes it tremendously difficult for the LGBTQI+ community to embrace their sexuality in such a hateful world where they cannot love who they want to love.

All our lives, we are told what to do, who to love, what norms we should live up to, to a point where we do not have the ability to embrace our own sexualities. The brutal pain and fear that we live in is indescribable. Whenever we discover the courage to come out, we are always told that ‘you are going through a phase’, or ‘you haven’t found the right partner yet’, we are told these things by the very same people we call our parents and by the society. You know yourself more than anyone, you know that it is not a phase. It’s who you are. You did not choose to become this, instead you try to accept and embrace yourself despite the challenges you face on a daily basis. Do not be ashamed of your sexuality, although the society looks at you with shame and disgust. This world is tormenting and judgemental.  Although the society views you as a stain in the world, be a rainbow coloured stain 🌈.

[leicheesprime]

"Mental illness isn't real, it's literally in your head."

This is the horror in which people that suffer from mental illness hear most of the time when they attempt to speak out about their problems. These people suffer from incredible amounts of anguish and pain from their illness and on top of that they hear such opinions from others when they reach out for help. Mental illness is just the same as physical illness, just because you can’t see the illness does not mean that it is not actually there.

Depression, Anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Anxiety attacks, name them all, they are entirely real. Those with these illnesses are referred to as "attention-seekers", to such a point whereby they literally have to have a breakdown in order for people to understand their conditions. Depression isn't all about having lower levels of serotonin, it's also more about being stuck in bed, withdrawing from any social activities, pushing people away when they are willing to help. It's about being exhausted of your daily routine to a point where you just don't want to wake up the next day, having to face the struggles and horrors of yet another day. It's about seeing darkness in every single thing, being negative about everything in this world, having no hope in every aspect of the world accompanied with suicidal ideation. It's about numbness to a point whereby you don’t even cry yourself to sleep like before because you have gotten used to the pain. It's more about feeling empty. And somehow, you even feel unloved. This feeling is absolutely the worst especially in societies where inadequate awareness about mental illness is addressed. Nowadays, children grow up in households where parents and/or elders believe that there's no such thing as depression. To a point whereby people eventually drown into mental illnesses. It's even more difficult to reach out for help when such topics are not even discussed in such communities or societies. This eventually leads them into getting sucked into depression.  

Anxiety gradually develops from normal nervousness to severe anxiousness. To such an extent in which you eventually become anxious 24/7, which starts affecting your daily functioning. Anything small triggers them which causes anxiety or panic attacks. Your heartbeat rate is literally off the charts, all sounds start to block out, you cannot even breath properly, you feel as if you are drowning in a deep ocean, your lungs start to burn, tears start dripping down your burning cheeks. Eventually, fatigue starts taking over your body, you have long and sleepless nights. You consistently drown into your deep and dark thoughts which leads to you spiralling out of control. You even start seeking medication to reduce your anxiety and/or panic attacks to a point where you even depend on them to prevent these attacks from taking place.

All of this is real. Mental illness is incredibly real in which more awareness should be brought into attention. Check up on your friends and families, everyone is suffering from something that he or she is not talking about. Reach out to them, it will make a difference. Please refrain from judging them when they speak out, all they need is an ear, all you need to do is to listen to them to show that you care and that you are there for them. Please be sensitive by all means. Societies should be taught that mental illness manifests slowly and it starts playing tricks on people, they need to know how it affects people and that they need help. Talking about your problems is helpful once someone is willing to listen to you without any judgements or negative opinions.

Please do not take mental illness lightly, it starts gradually and eventually it swallows you into its dark hole of nothingness.

[leicheesprime]

you are not under any pressure. take your time.