lemonesis

[lemonesis]

Poured out my heart, gave it my all. Cracked my skull open, still longing for more.

[lemonesis]

hindi na

Mag-iisang taon na akong mahigit labindalawang oras nakaupo maghapon. Nakapako na ang pwet ko sa kahoy na upuang kinuha ko mula sa dining table; mga kamay, sa mouse, keyboard, at mousepad na amoy kipay (hindi ko alam pano ilarawan pero basta dahil sa pawis). Kinilala nang reyalidad ng mga mata ko ang liwanag na nagmumula sa sa iskin na kaharap ko bawat araw. Ito ang “new normal” na buhay—walang gana, walang sigla, walang buhay.

Di ako masaya sa ganitong setup. Noong una ay excited pa ako. Mataas ang ekspektasyon ko sa bagong karanasan na maaaring dala ng “new normal” sa edukasyon. Syempre  gumuho ang lahat ng ito—first quarter pa lang ng first sem ay nawalan na ako ng gana. Hindi ko alam kung anong nawala pero wala akong magawa. Tuwing titignan ko ang listahan ng mga dapat gawin, tila dito na nauubos ang motibasyon ko para magpatuloy. Alam ko ang mga gagawin, hindi ko lang talaga kayang magsimula.

Pero ang isa pang bagay na hindi ko maintindihan ay ang isang pagiging malaking kabalintunaan ng buong sitwasyon na ito. Sinasabi kong wala akong ginagawa kahit mayroon naman talaga, o may ginagawa ako kahit wala.

Tuwing sinasabing kong wala, ang ibig sabihin ko siguro ay wala akong magawa kaya’t inuubos ko ang brainpower ko sa pag-iiscroll at paglalagalag sa social media. Magpapalipat-lipat sa facebook, twitter, youtube at iba pang mga social media para makaramdam ng bagong sigla sa kung anumang content ang makonsumo. Minsan aabutin pa ng umaga sa pakikipagkwentuhan sa mga kauri kong wala rin daw ginagawa. Mag-uusap, magkukwento, magbabahagi, magtatawanan, magugutom at dadapuan ng antok kapag sumilip na ang liwanag sa bintana. Sa sobrang “walang magawa” ay inuumaga kahit may pasok pa sa loob ng ilang oras. Ganito pala magliwaliw sa pandemya.

Kapag sinasabi ko namang mayroon akong ginagawa, ang katotohanan ay wala ngunit sinusubukan kong magsimula. May ginagawa kahit ‘wala’ dahil…bahagi naman siguro ng paggawa ang pag-iisip at pagmumuni, ‘di ba? Hindi rin naman siguro kailangan na buong pag-iisip ko ay nakalaan sa mga kailangan kong gawin, ‘no? Pwede na rin siguro ‘yon kahit pinepeste ang pag-iisip ko ng kung anu-ano—laro, social media, pagkain, gala, kolehiyo—kahit ano, malihis man lang ang atensyon at makalaya panandalian sa hinagpis ng pagiging alipin sa harap ng kompyuter at pagiging tali sa upuang panghapag-kainan. Ewan, ibang klase na siguro talaga kapag ang gaya ko ay nagsimula nang mag-isip-isip tungkol sa pagkain at gala kahit na hindi ko hilig ang mga yan kahit bago pa magpandemya.

Di ko alam, basta mahirap kumilos. Ang hirap gumalaw. Ang hirap itutok ng mga mata sa gawaing gusto mo na lang mawala sa lista. Ang hirap pumindot ng mga letra at ng mga kung ano pa kung hindi ito para maglibang at magsaya. Wala lang talaga siguro akong motibasyon.

Pero sabi rin di mo kailangan ng motibasyon para makagawa ng mga bagay-bagay. Dapat daw ay simulan mo munang gawin ‘yung mga bagay-bagay para magkaroon ka ng motibasyon na ipagpatuloy ang mga ito. Bullshit. Kaya hindi ako naniniwala sa motibasyon, gawa-gawa lang yan ng ewan ko, illuminati, dilawan, o mga leftist, o kahit sino mang kaaway. Ang tunay na kailangan ng tao ay deadlines. Mapapakilos ka talaga kahit na stroke na kalahati ng utak mo at di na dinadaluyan ng kahit anong ideya.

Salamat sa deadlines at mabait na guro ay nakakapagsimula na akong magtapos ng mga gawain. Nakakaramdam na rin ako uli ng mga bagay-bagay. Ngalay na pwet at kubang likod sa matigas na bangko. Uhaw ng tuyot na labi at umay ng utak na blangko. Mapungay na mata at malalim na hikab kahit alas tres pa lang ng umaga. Mas mabuti na ‘to kaysa walang magbago. Salamat sa deadline at makakapagpasa na ‘ko. Salamat din kasi ‘di na ko manhid, hindi na gaano. 

Hindi na rin sana ako maging late sa mga output next quarter, last na rin naman ‘yon. Sinabi ko na to noon, sana hindi na maulit ang kahinatnan.

[lemonesis]

Magis

Characters:

·         Young boy, unnamed

·         The king, accompanied by his men

 In the middle of the busy plaza

 Young boy: *aggressively approaching people* Alms! Can you spare me some piece of bread? Some coins maybe? Please! I need help.

Everyone she approached pushes her away. The last one hitting her hard. She pauses for a while and tears up.

Shortly after, the messy plaza tries its best to be uniform.

Town crier: The king is coming! Pave way and show respect!

The king and his men arrive. They were just passing by as it seems. Meanwhile, the young boy tries to take advantage of the situation and attempts to sneak a loaf of bread from a stall.

Bystander: Thief! The young boy took some bread!

    Everyone’s attention is diverted to the boy.

YB: Please, spare me this loaf of bread. I’m starving.

    They grabbed and started beating him. The king notices.

King: Everyone, stop!

    He orders his men to disperse them

 King(angrily): What has gotten to your heads for you to beat an innocent child? Take those men who have laid their hands on the boy, we’ll teach them a lesson!

    Some of his men run after the beaters. He takes the child with him for a while until they are through the thick crowd of the plaza.

King: Where are your parents?

YB: I do not know. It’s been weeks since I last saw them. When I opened my eyes that one day, they’re gone already. Some lady also kicked me out of our house. I don’t know what’s going on.

King: Oh God. How awful must things have been for you. You’re sick and starving. It looks like it’s been a very long time since your last bath.

    Their journey took a pause.

King: Son, I have a soft spot for kids. Take these berries so your stomach has something in it. A humbly messenger will come for you here in a while. Wait for him and stay put.  For now, I will leave you here. Pray for peace and forgiveness while you wait. We shall meet again soon.

    The kid sobs and takes the berries. He sits in a small rock and anticipates for the king’s promise to push through. He thanks him. The king and his men continue on their way.

Soldier: Your highness, with all due respect, did you give the little boy… the berries?

King: Indeed.

Soldier: But aren’t those…?

King: Yes.

Soldier: But I thought you pitied the poor child? Isn’t that the complete opposite of our Godly cause?

King: I do. I very much do. And yes, it kind of is.

King: Spare me this instance. It was God’s mercy that kept him alive. It will be mine that will give him life. He shall understand soon, peace is on its way.

King: This one’s for the man. Sometimes, a flock just needs to protect one of its own. Still, for the greater glory of God.

Soldiers: For the greater glory of God. 

[lemonesis]

Genealogy of morals

We formed a circle as we weigh out the options. The staff is waiting for a decision. They left us for a while as ideas were being thrown out. Confused and fierce looks and curled foreheads rained on me. One even grabbed my shirt. They hated me for I told them the truth.

I suggested to put him down.

My girlfriend excused us from her siblings to talk with me for a moment. "What the fuck is wrong with you," she berated. "Dad is in a critical state. Why the fuck would you say such atrocious thought in front of a distressed family?" She exclaimed.

"God, learn to be sensitive for once. This is no time for nonsense. Cut the heartless crap, if its a running gag, for fucks sake."

"But I am not," I thought.

...

It was a hot noon, I was walking home from school. I was in second grade. I just learned how to multiply and divide and my favorite part of that day's class was the story about sharks. As I was crossing the streets of our small village I came across a dog. It has white fur with black spots. Its eyes were round and dark and it seems to be sick. As a touched toddler, I brought it home.

I left it in the yard with some food as I went to my room to change clothes. Grandpa saw the dog. I was glad he's there. I'm sure he knows stuff about animals. Mom showed me pictures of them and their old pet dog from when they were young.

I changed to my white shirt and blue basketball shorts and hurried outside. I heard a loud sharp cry on my way out. Grandpa struck the dog with a thick piece of wood in the head. It fell down along the blow.

"I had to." He explained. "He was sick. We hate to see the poor thing suffer, don't we?"

After laying it to rest, we hurried home and I took a bath. My dirty white shirt was like the dog's fur and the pink soap its skin. It took me a while to grasp. The dog's shriek still resonates in my head but I did understand.

[lemonesis]

Law of the land

There's nothing left to tell

when the words say it all.

No points to raise

when gunshots cloud the calls.

No integrity

when impunity is tolerated,

and

no mercy

when compassion is for the crooked,

but not for us.

[lemonesis]

Araw-araw na midnight thoughts

Mag-aalas dos na ng madaling araw at sumagi na naman sa isip ko ang mga bagay na lagi kong pinag-iisipan. Ang kinaibahan ‘lang ay ngayon, nakapag-ipon na ako ng lakas ng loob na buksan ang MS Word at sinimulan ko nang mag type ng mga bagay na maaari kong ilagay sa awtput kong flash fiction na mahigit dalawang linggo nang late sa google classroom (hehe sorry sir sobrang stressful ng dumaan na dalawang buwan, ayaw ko naman magpa-awa kasi sa nababasa ko online eh parang normal lang naman). Pero wala ganon talaga; mahirap magsulat kung wala kang maisip na sulatin, at mas mahirap magpumilit na may susulatin ka kung wala naman talaga. Ewan ko ba. Basta ngayong gabi (o umaga) magsusulat na ‘ko para may masimulan na, pasko na rin sa isang araw at bukas ay noche buena na.

Ramdam na ang lamig ng huling buwan ng taon. Ambilis ng pagdaan ng oras. Hindi pa rin nag si-sink in sa akin na patapos na ang taong 2020. Ang lamig ng nakaraang taon na umihip hanggang nitong Pebrero pa rin ang kinikilala ng mga nakataas kong balahibo. Ilang buwan na ‘lang magma-Marso na ulit. Pero bago ‘yan, ayaw kong paabutin ng bagong taon ang mga nakabinbin kong gawain na inilatag ko sanang tapusin ngayong Christmas break (na parang hindi naman talaga sa dami pala ng requirements sa mga module na binigay samin, pinili ko na ang mag-online para walang modules pero wala talaga sigurong kawala). Hindi ko rin ramdam na magpapasko na (sa isang araw na sya bes LOL) kahit parang namumukod-tanging puno ng pailaw ang eskinita namin. Kala mo nagusap-usap na may prize ang may pinakamakulay na mga pasabit sa gate. ‘Nung tinanong ko si mama kung may balak ba siyang tapatan yung pailaw ng front-runner sa contest na kapitbahay naming katapat, sabi niya wala naman; mas mahal pa nga raw gastos namin sa nag-iisang may ilaw na parol na nakasabit sa gate namin, di gaano maliwanag kumpara sa bahay sa harap namin pero ok na. Napagisip-isip ko, grabe ah ang elitista ng dating ng sagot ng nanay ko. Na-realize ko rin kalaunan na baka ako ang elitista kasi nakapagbigay ako ng “argumento” sa kakarampot na impormasyon na mayroon? Ewan, bahala na. Bakit ko ba ‘yan pinag-iisipan eh maraming bagay na mas nangangailangan ng pansin kaysa sa pagtitimbang kung elitist ba ‘yung nanay ko. Medyo paulit-ulit na kaya halos di na natin naeencounter ang ganitong sentimento sa social media pero wala na ata ako halos narinig na good news mula kina Mike Enriquez. Hindi na rin siguro bago na ganito ang mga balita na naririnig at nababasa natin pero parang iba ‘yung dating ngayon? (#GrabeKaNa2020 huhuhu, jk) Ewan. Baka siguro dahil nakakulong lang ako sa bahay simula noong nagquarantine kaya mas napansin ko lang ngayon. Pero grabe pa rin eh, grabe ka na talaga 2020. Syempre hindi nakakatuwa isipin pero parang wala na lang din kung minsan, nakakasanay na. Nakakalungkot isipin na nasasanay na tayo sa mga balita ng pagkamatay—sa mga pagpatay at sa mga kilalang pangalan na nawalan ng buhay. Lagi rin tayong kulelat sa kung anu-anong mga pag-aaral. Nangunguna na lang ata tayo sa mga bagay na tayo ‘lang ang kalahok, pero kung pwede siguro maging number 2 kahit nag-iisa ka lang, baka nagawa na natin noon pa; lagi nating ginoglorify na kulelat tayo eh, kesyo others have it worse o kung ano pa mang palusot. Pwe. Ang mas masahol pa, may mga taong pilit na nagbubulag-bulagan para maprotektahan yung mga iniidolo nilang pangalan sa politika, sana dinilaan niyo na lang pwet ng mga poon niyo, grr. Pero sabi nga, be nice to patients, kahit na minsan sobrang hirap magpigil na manakit; mahirap pero kakayanin. Kagigil. Nakakalungkot din isipin na sobrang kalat na ng sakit na to, kala mo may pandemya na ibang klase ang tama sa Pilipinas eh. Sana kasi hindi ipinagsawalang-bahala. Hirap maging ordinaryong mamamayan, alipin ng tanga.

Sa bawat takatak at klak-klak ng keyboard ko ay parang mas lumalamig ang umiihip na hangin sa mumunti kong bintana. Sa kada salitang nabubuo mula sa pinipindot kong makina ay tila mas dumidilim ang paligid, mas lumalalim ang gabi. Sobrang lalim at dilim pero parang sobrang liwanag naman yata ng buwan. Pero basta gagawin ko ‘to ngayon, feel na feel ko na eh. Nagunat-unat ako nang kaunti para naman magising kahit papano ‘yung diwa ko. Iba ang euphoria mula sa tunog ng ‘di nagagamit na kasukasuan pati sa pakiramdam ng pagdaloy ng dugo lalo na patungo ‘dun sa paa kong pawisan. Sabi ko magpapahangin at hihinga lang ako sandali dahil medyo nangangalay na rin ‘yung likod ko pero pucha di ko namalayan. Tirik na uli ang araw nang muli ko itong masilayan. Mamayang gabi ganito na naman ang eksena. Maya-maya na lang ako uli mag-iisip ng idadagdag sa istorya.

[lemonesis]

Lost in love

Our hands were the fingers of her claw hairclips—locked together and holding tight. It was like a scene out of a Disney movie, but without the wizards, the godparents, the elves, and the evil stepmothers. We’ve been together for quite some time now, and we’d wholeheartedly be for more. Songs on repeat from her favorite, Air Supply, accompanied the celebration. The peaceful taps of our feet against the floor were sweet whispers of love to my ears.

The place wasn’t cozy. No fancy wooden floors and lavish carpets. No dazzling lights, nor an orchestra playing while buffet food was being served. Just the windows down and the good old Discman with portable speakers in our suffocating little claustrophobic apartment.  Our bodies were birds as if the floor was the endless sky. We were flying gracefully.

My world froze every time our eyes met. There’s something majestic in the connection formed by us facing each other. I wasn’t dreaming. It’s her and I, dancing together, celebrating love. Spinning like her favorite records used to. It’s no longer a dream.

 She was just a song stuck in my head—like every song I’ll ever know. She was just another notepad entry; the imaginary other half of my shower conversations.

But now it’s real. She is real. Everything is. No, it’s much more than that. It’s surreal. It’s overwhelming. I tried to keep words out of my mouth but they flooded out my eyes instead. It was the first time I smiled while crying. The first time I became happy after a while.

… 

The dealer didn’t talk shit. I’ll get more next time.

I’m sorry it went down to this. Lonely has been the nights since that day. If we only had found donors in time.

Now, I’m all out of love—

Just so lost without you.

[lemonesis]

Broken Hope (Skye Robertson) alt ending

 The tension in the room shot up and it held everyone in the neck. Everyone felt the chill; their faces were numb and their hands were almost. Apparently, the conditioning system just got cleaned, a worker said so. The nurse tried to calm the patient down as he started mumbling inaudible noise once again, as if telling a story. The relatives went beside the bed and tried to shush the frantic man as he’s getting stressed out again. He started gasping for breath as things got into his head. His hands were shaking but not from the coldness of the room. It was a panic attack. The mumbled story brought its narrator tears and made him ask for an apology. A relative went closer and whispered a calming message unto his ears. “It's okay, we’re here for you; everything’s just fine” the others uttered, holding the patient’s hands as they were still trembling for an unknown fear. It took a while but the patient started to calm down and his breathing was slowly returning to normal.

  “It’s okay.”

 They started giving him the prescriptions. Medium-sized tablets were shaken out of three different bottles with varying colors. The other two were capsules from blister packs. The patient hated these the most as they tasted more bitter than the tablets.

  “You have to let go, dad.”

  Tears were slowly coming back. The man’s eyelids were twitching once more.

  “It’s not worth any more tears.”

  He was trying his best in swallowing both the words and the bitter pills with his family on his side.

 The patient heard another voice from the room. A woman with a baby in her arms joined the team in bringing up the man’s spirit.

  “Please stop crying Dr. Kevorkian. You have to let go. The botched operation wasn’t your fault.”

  The wind blew as the lady and her child disappeared after her words went in and out of the man’s ears. The mother’s voice remained clear in his mind. But it had been 15 years since the surgery, 15 years since he became trapped in an endless simulation of the tragedy in his head. 15 years since he called home the four walls of the room he was staying in at the national mental health center.  

  Some time after bursting into tears, he fell asleep, thanks to the medicine he was administered, but only to be haunted and woken up again by the same nightmare—the mishap that killed Euston’s wife and child, and the doctor’s own sanity for the years to come.

[lemonesis]

ekstrang kamay

Braso na nakaakbay

Hirap, pero ‘di ngalay

Laylay na kaagapay

[lemonesis]

kalupi

Kay bilis ng panahon

Puro ngiti ka noon

‘Singlungkot tayo ngayon

[lemonesis]

tatskrin

Puno ka ng hiwaga

Babasaging mahika

Laman ng aking bulsa

[lemonesis]

poetry

Playful song starts to sing, its words

Of love—like joyous spring                           

Every note calls, a

Tide in a sea of thoughts; as my heart

Reflects and utters the saying: you’re no wave

Yet you’re crashing ((pls forgive lol everyone gotta start somewhere :P))