lepatites

[lepatites]

aku sudah bisa naik motor.

sudah setahun sejak aku pertama kali belajar motor. minggu ini, aku sudah lancar dua kali pergi berkeliling kota, mengantar kakak, juga bisa menyalip mobil angkot di depan.

saat mengendarai, aku terpikir: wah, sekarang aku berani.

dulu bukan main rasanya aku takut untuk mengendarai sepeda motor. bahkan untuk bepergian menggunakan sepeda ke jalan raya pun sangat menakutkan bagiku. tidak bisa menyebrang, masih canggung berbelok, panik saat harus rem tiba-tiba. takut jatuh, takut tertabrak, takut terluka.

tapi di tahun dua ribu dua puluh empat, aku malah ingin jatuh, tertabrak, terluka.

saat itu aku berpikir: jika saat belajar sepeda motor kemudian terjatuh dan terluka, maka bagus lah. rasa sakit ini akan berpindah rasanya, akan terlihat wujudnya. maka aku akan bisa menangis tanpa malu dan tau saat ditanya bagian mana yang sakit harus menjawab apa.

lucunya saat ini aku jadi bisa berkendara. bisa ke sana kemari. belum pernah terjatuh dan tertabrak. ternyata patah hati bisa buatku tidak takut terluka.

[lepatites]

— Georgia O'Keeffe, from a letter to Russel Vernon Hunter, from Georgia O'Keeffe: Art and Letters (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[lepatites]

Ocean Vuong, The Emperor of Gladness

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I count every year of living my life almost carefully. remembering certain memories happened in a year and holding it dearly. it was hard in 2018, 2019 I arise. 2020 was fun, 2021 is when it started. 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024.. that was packed enough. too long to be a coincidence. too deep to be forgotten.

[lepatites]

I don’t know how long I would romanticize this heart break. I always knew I am not good at breaking it.

as far as I remember, last time it took around 10 years to fully let go of all the love, regret, and grief of letting someone I loved go. it almost took my whole life before I was finally able to let go and open my heart for someone new.

but opening a heart means giving them a knife while showing the most vulnerable side of me. I let him know every bit of my life, every layer of my complexities, every shade of my personas. he could stab it wherever he likes, slowly, deeply, harshlyㅡ I trusted him with all the risks of dying painfully.

and I remember one day my friend asked, “how is it like when you are falling in love?”

I answered, “I will be a complete fool.” because I already did.

and I remember one day my friend said, “I hope you won’t meet such pain.”

I answered with silence, because I already did.

I am now such an open wound. I am wondering again, will I be capable of loving someone as deep as this who is not my family or friends? will I be capable of opening myself as deep and as wide as I did to him? will they stab me again like he did if I do? will I stab them back as deep as I did to him?

and I don’t know when I will stop grieving about us, whose existence makes people questioning.

and I remember one day my friend said, “I don’t understand why you would grieve as much.”

I answered, “because I am not sane enough.”

[lepatites]

cr: poetdusk

[lepatites]

I left jakarta again this afternoon, like any other day. nothing much changes after almost two yearsㅡ and I started to hate that a bit.

for the past few months, visiting jakarta is one of the hardest things. everything reminds me of you, and I hate how I feel sad and brought down by my heavy hearts. the little things; when you told me you were in Bekasi station and I passed that; when you told me that you ran near the Pondok Jati station; when you visited Family Mart before went to work; when you send me things when I was in Pasar Senen station.. and the list goes on.

you know, I pretend that you died in May. it is hurt for me to experience this grief loop where I need to remind myself how much I have been hurt just to stay sane. where I need to remind myself how much I hurted you, just to hold myself from hoping you’d come backㅡ cause probably you won’t. cause probably that doesn’t even crossed in your mind. and it is exhausting to keep holding on those hurtful memories where I can feel how my heart still holds you dearly with love. I want to hate you, I want to let you go, I want to stop attached to whatever it is that makes me still thinking of you and all the probabilities.

I tried, and I am tired.

[lepatites]

Sylvia Plath, from Notebooks (dated 2 July 1962)

[lepatites]

the lovers almanac : part two

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Clarice Lispector, from a letter to Fernando Sabino featured in Why This World: A Biography of Clarice Lispector

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— This year again there is spring, Halina Poswiatowska

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i bet God was jealous at how much I love you. it was too much, i’m risking it all. and up to this day, i was in awe realizing how deep i could love someone else who is not my family. will i be able to raise and love others the same with God’s will so we shouldn’t be part ways? but at this moment i don’t think i can’t reach that extent again. i know it was too much, i’d risk it all.

[lepatites]

(via lunamonchtuna)

[lepatites]

am I letting myself drowned?

its April 23rd, 2025. 12.59 PM. I am at the library, trying to catch up with all the essays writing for the scholarship application.

in fact, I haven't started my essay yet, especially for AAS. I haven't finished my essay yet for QMUL BC-WIS. I am full of self-doubt, procrastinating, and almost giving up. I don't even know if I even try to say that I am giving up.

why do I keep avoiding my dreams, even after another year of spending life depending? I am not satisfied with myself for the whole year, last year too, and the last two years. I keep avoiding my friends, my task, my dream, and myself. It feels suffocating to just sit and look at how full of flaws I am. I doubt that I will be able to go abroad, yet I can't stop dreaming it. I doubt that I will ever get a job, yet I can't live without it. I believe that I will taste what it is to be successful, to reach my standard, yet I keep doubting myself and running away when times keep ticking.

right now, too, I am afraid to see the failures ahead- while planning the failure itself. is that because, it is something I am familiar about? or fear that I keep attracting?

[lepatites]

Aku rasa ini pertama kali. Di mana ya tepatnya rasa sakit ini? Ketika dadaku berat, berdenyut hingga sesak, tapi masih tidak terlihat di sebelah mana harus aku beri obat. Hari ini seperti pertama kali aku merasa sakit begini, dan tiba-tiba hidup terasa singkatㅡ karena aku seperti anak kecil yang ingin meraung, seperti belum dewasa meski sudah hidup dua puluh tahun lebih.

Aku sudah tidak menangis, tapi sakitnya sungguh membuatku meringis. Tadi aku berdoa, ya Allah, angkat sakitnya ya? Jangan lama-lama. Tolong dengarkan doaku yang ini juga.

[lepatites]

but my brother and sister have experienced it too.

my brother was having a 7-years-old relationship. they had been giving a lot to each other, sharing uncountable memories. i couldn’t understand his pain at all that time, especially when i watched him crying on the couch after he went to her wedding. i remember it vividly when mom brushed his head while crying too, telling that this is the fate he should endure. he would isolate himself in his room, playing an extreme loud music so we wouldn’t be able to hear him crying. he spent years alone before marrying someone so kind like an angel, which i think is better much more, which i think he truly deserves.

years later, i listened to my sister crying because his boyfriend was cheating with another man. all of the family members knew him, and we thought they were going to marry. but she found out, and she punched him, and they broke up. i could see that one relationship traumatizes her the most, as she stopped to look for any since then. at that time, i couldn’t understand her pain too. years later someone came to her and chose her without any doubt, and now they’re living romantically close.

last month, i looked at my aunt crying beside her husband’ s corpse. he is gone forever, leaving her here all alone. she cried every time someone came and explained everything all over again the tragedy that made her husband die. days later, and even until now, the unbearable longing keep coming but she couldn’t do anything but to cry.

so i’m telling myself, my dear, separation is inevitable. there are people who spent years to overcome all the sadness and love that they are no longer able to deliver. there will be so many empty days while you carry the heavy hearts around, you know how it feels, by now you’ve been there too. but later, it will grow again with the new opportunities. i understand it makes you impatient, and you want to skip all that cause you can’t bear the sadness, but look at your brother and sister. they have experienced it too. and they grow into the best versions of themselves, and they found someone who choose them all over again, despite them being so hard to understand, despite them busy catching their dream, despite them being weak over their sickness.

and you shouldn’t think everything is forever, cause even if you found the one, separation is inevitable. look at how much your aunt loves his husband, and how much his husband loves her for years. they are still separated too.

(i still want to write more but i want to cry so let’s stop here)

[lepatites]

sini, kembali jadi diri sendiri.

berapa tahun lamanya ya, 12 tahun? kamu sudah jauh berkelana menjadi orang lain.

aku mengerti, memang banyak yang kamu tidak suka dari diri itu. sering kamu berlari, bersembunyi dibalik orang-orang cantik yang kamu lihat sejauh yang diberikan oleh internet. kamu merasa aman dibalik itu, meski tidak jarang, dirimu yang kamu tidak suka ikut muncul dan terlihat.

3 tahun lebih kamu habiskan, bersembunyi di balik wajah orang lain, merasa aman untuk melakukan segala hal, merasa aman untuk mencoba banyak pengalaman, dan merasa aman untuk mencintai seseorang.

sekarang tidak lagi. hari ini, kamu begitu rapuh. kamu bingung, yang mana kah diri ini yang sebenarnya? yang mana kah kehidupanku yang aku jalani? kenapa semuanya berantakan begini?

hari ini, kamu menangis tersedu-sedu. karena bersembunyi dibalik itu tidak membuat cintamu bertahan selama yang kamu pikirkan. karena bersembunyi dibalik itu tidak membuat dirimu yang kacau berhenti mengacau. karena bersembunyi dibalik itu membuatmu bingung, dan tetap tidak aman dari sakitnya kenyataan dan harapan dari hubungan pertemanan dan percintaan.

coba ingat ini, kamu lelah dengan itu semua. kamu ingin hidup menjadi dirimu sendiri, kan? kamu ingin berdiri dengan dirimu yang banyak kacaunya itu. dan meskipun dengan segala kekurangannya, kamu berharap ada yang merangkul tanpa babibu. dan meskipun dengan riuhnya itu, kamu berharap ada yang mendengar tanpa memperkeruh. dan meskipun dengan rapuhnya itu, kamu berharap ada yang menggenggam tanpa batasan.

kamu sakit, dalam sekali. sampai mencoba berteriak tapi air mata sudah terkuras habis. hati masih terasa sempit ditekan dari berbagai arah, ditarik berat ke bawah. kamu bingung dengan kehidupan itu.

sini, pelan pelan mundur dari persembunyian itu. berdiri dengan dua kaki yang bisa kau rasakan lelah setiap jalan kaki, tersenyum dengan lesung pipi yang orang sering puja puji, dan berbicara dengan seadanya meski kau banyak tidak suka. jalani kehidupan ini dengan dirimu yang sudah terlalu lama disembunyikan itu. cintai dirinya, karena bagi orang yang kamu pikir bisa merengkuh itupun, akhirnya pergi juga.

pulang, ya? kamu yang harus pulang. usap kembali tangan yang sudah lama membeku itu. saatnya dia kembali membawamu lebih dekat ke tempat-tempat betulan yang setiap hari kamu bayangkan. sudah cukup ya, sembunyinya? sudah cukup ya.

aku tau kamu bisa. meskipun berat dan banyak sedihnya. tidak apa apa, sini, saatnya hidup jadi diri sendiri.