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[lesbian-who-prays]

An update

I don’t post much, but I feel like I should explain why I will no longer be continuing this blog. In short, I no longer consider myself a Christian. Although the core of Christianity or interpretations of the Bible are compatible with LGBT people, the church (as an entity) is not. I cannot in good faith encourage people to engage with their church communities after my experiences.

First is my conversion therapy. After being outed to my family and church leaders, I spent a couple years with no consequences as I was fairly young. That changed as I got older and it became clear my homosexuality wasn’t wearing out. I won’t get into the specifics, but I attended weekly meetings with my spiritual father aimed at dismantling my sexuality and convincing me being gay is a sin. It was incredibly traumatic, and although I still don’t believe being gay is a sin, I will never be able to convince my church leaders of that. As long as the other orthodox patriarchs continue to preach this, that will never change. This pushed me to suicidal ideation and depressive episodes.

Second is the homophobia at both churches I attended. I attend a Greek monastery and a more local Russian Orthodox Church. The local church received a new priest, and the very first sermon he preached was massively transphobic and homophobic. I had to leave the church and have been exclusively attending the monastery since. The homophobia at the monastery is more subtle, confined to the office rooms where i experienced conversion therapy. But it’s there. It’s there in the woman who ranted about Sodom and said she prayed for the day God would wipe all “queer degenerates” out. It’s there in the man that called Rush Limbaugh brilliant, and upon my bringing up Limbaugh’s mockery of gay men who died during the AIDS crisis, the man said “would you feel the same way about someone who laughed at pigs.”

Third is the fact that Christianity is not a religion of love. My decision to leave Christianity is not about whether or not I think God exists. I hope to examine this issue with a clearer head. For a while I tried to delude myself into thinking that if I was a normal lesbian, maybe everything else would cancel out my sin. I attained acceptance in my church community on the condition that I remain closeted. I performed mental gymnastics to convince myself that I could be a lesbian and Christian, but ultimately I realized that for me, religion is trauma. It will always exist to inflict trauma upon LGBT+ people. Although I respect everyone’s right to religion, I cannot endorse it.

It took me years to rationalize being a lesbian. Although I’ve kept my gender journey off this blog, I am nonbinary, using they/them pronouns. I don’t want to take even more years rationalizing how trans people are actually accepted by religion because frankly, I don’t care. I want to live my life. I want to figure out what I actually believe. I want to be happy. And I will never be happy when a part of me thinks I deserve hell for who I am.

I will be keeping my blog posts up. I will not be posting more, although I will remain active to interact with anyone who wants to talk.

Thank you 💛💛💛

[lesbian-who-prays]

Hello fellow believer

I have no knowledge of the trues about trans and nb people, so you might disregard this, but it could be similar to my case. The thing is I'm a man and for a long time I thought I was gay - I felt attraction to men, used to be feminine and everything that came with it. I also thought people were born this way. Though, I was always conflicted about following a vocation and fitting in the church. Well, turns out I was wrong, society lied and Christ showed me the actual truth when I trusted Him and began to accept His ways: The cause of my sexuality was the sum of many factors conditioning myself to it during my growing up stage. I've learned what happened wrong, reconnected with my masculinity and understood that I'd not find happiness without Jesus' ways. Nowadays I'm really in peace, have found my vocation (which is marriage) and don't feel like before anymore. Look at the answer in Christ friend, and trust your life to Him and pray for Him to show your truth.

Best regards

I'm happy for you, that you figured yourself out. That's the best anyone can hope for. However, this is kind of a rude message. You seem to be civil enough, so I will also respond civilly.

I honestly don't get why people send me things like this ask. Maybe you think you can "save me from myself", or that I'm being "lied to by society," or something. In actuality, you're just being rude to me, a stranger, and helping drive me away from the Roman Catholic Church. At this point it doesn't really hurt my feelings anymore, it just makes me kinda spiritually tired, if that makes any sense.

I understand that you're not trying to be rude, and you just feel entitled to send me messages like this because you feel like your background makes you qualified to tell me to pray more, or something. But actually, I don't need to be told to pray more. I pray a lot! I have prayed, a lot, over this exact topic! So when people tell me to pray that Christ shows me truth or whatever, it just signals that you don't think it is possible for someone like me to exist - that is, a proudly Christian, proudly queer person.

I honestly believe that Christ has indeed led me to the truth, and the truth is that I can't change this about myself. The only way for me to move forward with my life and prayerfully follow Christ in the ways that matter is to be a transgender person.

I believe I have talked about this on this website before, but when I tried, seriously, to deny my own gender identity, I grew so distressed that I was led into a deeply difficult mental health episode that actively traumatized me and my family. I couldn't pray, I couldn't feel God's presence, I couldn't exist as an authentic Christian at all. Because every time I tried to communicate with God, I just spent my time begging Him to change me, and when He didn't make me cisgender I would resent Him so much for giving me this burden, for making me go through something so painful. I couldn't mentally handle living like that, so I had an episode.

I spent time in a hospital, and there I grew close with Christ again, but only after I realized that if I didn't want to go through this again, something was going to have to change. I learned that only through accepting myself was I going to make this work. Christ is the bread that sustains me, His good news dictates my life and how I relate to others, and I lose my relationship with Him when I try to deny one of my core identities. So this is how I live my life now: living as myself, going to Mass, praying, and hoping that the God that came down to Earth to call unrepentant sinners to follow Him will love me as well.

I know you probably didn't expect such a long reply, but you seem to be approaching me out of a genuine desire to help me, and I thought I'd share with you why I think I've already been helped. We have different experiences, and different stories, but our Lord in Heaven loves us both equally and unconditionally. You are my brother in Christ, and I appreciate your concern, but I hope you don't send any similar messages to others, because I fear they might not take it very well.

May God bless you and keep you, and may your path be guided by love of all humanity, striving to emulate Christ's universal love and acceptance.

[lesbian-who-prays]

i'm they/them for religious reasons 🙏

[lesbian-who-prays]

I think so much about how female sainthood is essentially raising your head, staring the world into its blind eyes and then saying no. 

[lesbian-who-prays]

I’m bisexual and I’m scared of not being accepted by God

I’m sorry.

I know how you feel. I know what it is like to feel forsaken by God, to feel uninvited from His love.

Sometimes the fear is suffocating and I can do nothing but sit alone in my room and cry. But here’s the thing, at the end of the day, I believe that God is as good as He says He is. I believe that He is a loving father and that He will not forsake you.

I believe that when you cry in hurt and fear of rejection, the lord cries with you. I am certain that it hurts Him to see you suffer over this. This fear, this pain you feel is not His plan, after all, God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love.

He is love incarnated.Talk to Him like you would talk to a beloved friend. Believe me, He is listening. He loves you. Never believe otherwise. I don’t know everything, but I think at the end of it all, all that truly matters is to love and be loved. I think that the act of loving is godly. Shake off your fear, reject it and replace it with love.

You aren’t alone, no matter how alone you may feel. Same sex attracted christians have always existed as they exist today, but now we are being heard. We are crying out for love and rightfully questioning the interpretations that condemn us. People are finally listening to us, but God has been listening all long. He has watched His children suffer through the ages, suffering along side us, but things are changing now and I imagine that all of Heaven rejoices.

I recommend you read the book God and the Gay Christian. I think the author also has a lecture on youtube that you can listen to. Could be helpful!

Go in love and be loved. I wish you every happiness.

[lesbian-who-prays]

Baby: Ma- m-

Mother: Yes my child, say mama

Baby: M- m-

Mother: yeeeeesssssss

Baby: M- Many people mistake the concept of sin as a violation of an arbitrary law, whereas it is actually a willful separation from God. God has given us His commandments not because He needs us to follow particular rules or because He wants to exercise vain authority, but because He wants to draw us closer to Himself. Following God's law is the surest path to human flourishing, even if the path thereto is not immediately evident, as evidenced by the entire narrative of the Old Testament. Understandings of God that depict him as an unforgiving and authoritarian and arbitrary lawgiver not only completely miss the point but also lead people further away from the path that brings joy and peace.

[lesbian-who-prays]

As someone who is orthodox, seeing Protestant Christianity applied as the one true metric rule for what is and isn’t “real Christianity” is genuinely frustrating. Being gay and Protestant is a vastly different experience than being gay and Catholic or gay and Orthodox. I just wish conversations about sexuality and faith took into account the nuances of different branches of faith

Kinda depressing to see Protestesnts, conservative and progressive alike, who try to present a belief as ridiculous when it’s literally something still believed by modern Catholics and/or Jewish people like please have some awareness.

[lesbian-who-prays]

Actually, if you've read the Bible, and know anything about what it says, you will understand that homosexuality (the practice of it) is condemned. I would be careful in jumping to conclusions but I see where you're coming from and I'm not attacking anyone. I know you said that the Law is nullified, but actually, Christ was the fulfillment of the Law, not the cancellation of it.

I actually do not believe in the nullification of the Law. You are absolutely correct, Jesus came to fulfill the Law not abolish the Law (Mattew 5:17-20). I have read the Bible and am incredibly grounded in my theology. Still, I choose to support the constitutional rights of the LGBT+ community and affirm the grace that God gives for every single one of us. I would like to lovingly, point you towards several of the reasons why I am an LGBT affirming Christian.  1. We can not deny someone the basic human and constitutional right to love who they want. Discrimination is not ethical, moral, or Christian. Even if you believe people who practice homosexuality are going to hell, it is incredibly hateful to deny them the right to live their lives.  2. The Bible mentions homosexuality six times. Three out of those six verses are likely not condemning homosexuality but, rather, condemning other immoral sexual acts (the story of Sodom and Gamora). If the supposed sin of homosexuality were as detrimental or fundamental of a threat to the Christian faith, wouldn’t it appear more frequently?  In contrast, there are around 59 verses about unconditionally loving, forgiving, and bringing peace to one another.  3. The condemnation of homosexuality on the basis of Leviticus has no Biblical grounds. You mentioned that the Law was not abolished but fulfilled. While this is true, scripture is also clear that Gentiles are not subject to the Mosaic Law. When reading through the Old Testament, we have to be incredibly conscious of the overarching narrative of God’s word. The Old Testament was written specifically for the Israelites. This is the primary distinction between Judaism and Christianity. Judaism rejects the divinity of Jesus Christ and, because of this, they (for the most part) retain the instruction of the Hebrew Bible (Torah). Christians, however, recognize that the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ served as a fulfillment (bringing to completion) of that law. The law is complete. That chapter is closed. We still hold on to the moral laws of the Old Testament (Ten Commandments) but have no need for ceremonial or civil laws. In fact, Jesus was accused by the Pharisees of violating ceremonial law.  4. As Christians, our primary responsibility is to share the Gospel (Mark 16;15), love our neighbor (Mattew 22: 34-40), speak with respect and gentleness (1 Peter 3:15), and let God do the judging/condemnation (James 4:12). Hate, discrimination, and condemnation are NOT the Gospel. It is SO far from the Gospel. By insisting upon condemning other people (which is a grave sin, by the way), you are doing a disservice to our faith. There is a reason why we are specifically instructed to share the Gospel. Even if you believe homosexuality is a sin, it is not your job to save people. We are not the redeemers. Our only job is to spread the beauty of the Gospel.  In my heart, I truly do not believe homosexuality is a sin. But I also recognize that I am human. My heart will never be perfect and will never fully align with God. God can not fit into my own moral compass. As hard as I try, I will never be able to fully comprehend the truth, divinity, and fullness of God. I don’t believe anyone else can, either. We can only meditate on the words and listen to how the Spirit speaks through us. No one is perfect. What is most important is that we share our faith according to how scripture instructs us to do so. With love, humility, peace, and respect for every soul. Even if homosexuality were a sin, there is absolutely no Biblical excuse for the way the Christians treat the LGBTQ+ community. It is disgusting, heartbreaking, and completely unBiblical. I will continuously pray for the softening of hearts and the opening of spirits. ✨

[lesbian-who-prays]

Why are women the helpmeet? Why would the producer of all human life be the second invention? Why isn't the man considered the one helping the woman while she's holding up the survival of the entire human race? Women create life, protect their children and were the first to tend the Earth. One cell one time in comparison to virtually the entire female body for months and months in keeping the human life cycle going sounds a lot like 'helping ' to me.

[lesbian-who-prays]

A heart that’s truly free

(by request)

Today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception.

Right in the middle of Advent. We’re supposed to be waiting in hope. Focused on the One who is to come.

But no.

We’re messing it up. With some random thing about Mary. Because, why not?

Just more of the Mary stuff we do as Catholics. We drag Mary into everything. Why not Advent? Even if it makes no sense, right?

Actually, the truth goes something like this:

“Joy to the world, the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King! Let every heart prepare Him room,”

Today, is all about the first heart to “prepare Him room.”

The Immaculate Conception is about Mary. That Mary was conceived free from original sin. Why?

So that Mary’s answer to the angel, the one we hear in today’s Gospel, could be a truly free choice. Not clouded by ego and pride. Not made desperate by separation from God through sin.

But an answer freely given. From a heart that’s truly free.

Some people think that Mary, being conceived free from original sin, means that Mary was God’s perfect robot. That Mary really had no choice.

Okay. Let’s look at the history of choices made by people conceived free from original sin.

Mary. Free from original sin. Said “yes” to God.

Jesus. Free from original sin. Said “yes” to God.

Adam. Free from original sin. Said “no” to God.

Eve. Same thing.

That’s 50%. Half the people free from original sin used that freedom to say no to God.

Clearly, lack of a sinful nature does not mean lack of a free choice.

Great, but what does this have to do with Advent?

Advent has its roots in the Prophets. Isaiah, Elijah, and the others who foretold the One who is to come. The longing of age after age for a Savior.

Mary is the patron saint of Advent.

Because the Immaculate Conception grabs hold of the longing of the ages. And takes it from dreamtime. To our time.

Mary’s “yes” to God takes it from someday. To today.

Because she said “yes.” Because she first, prepared Him room, we can say,

“Joy to the world, the Lord is come!”

Mary shows us the power of saying yes to God.

Imagine what could happen if we said yes.

Today’s Readings

[lesbian-who-prays]

I keep hearing differing views on this; would you say it's okay to disconnect from church attendance entirely because I can't find a church in my area that's open and accepting? It feels bad, but I've waited so long to be openly a queer Christian, and now I've moved out I can be! But it doesn't feel safe to be while attending any of the churches in my area and I don't want to go back to being closeted so I can have a church to attend.

Dear anon, God longs for all of us to live in community -- in community that fully welcomes and celebrates us as God made us. If there is no such church community in your area, that’s not on you! Please don’t subject yourself to people’s bigotry out of some sense of obligation -- you have no such obligation!

True community requires true love and acceptance and real attempts at understanding one another. If you can’t get that in person, that’s one of the beautiful things about the internet:

There are lots and lots of worship communities online, especially right now in this time of pandemic. Online community can be a wonderful thing for those of us who can’t find a community offline that truly sees us.

My own affirming church is currently streaming all its weekly services online. Note that it is a white majority congregation of mostly middle aged folk; and its music is pretty traditional even while the words preached are progressive!

And for an online church that’s just getting started and is run by some younger people, check out my friend Ainsley’s Queer Church AR! (link leads to facebook). There’s online Sunday worship and online Bible study...

If you’re trans, check out the Transmission Ministry Collective for worship, Bible studies, support groups, and more, all online!

Finally, check out this masterpost for even more options. 

[lesbian-who-prays]

Hey you!!! Hey you!!! Have you praised God today??? If not that's okay take a second to breathe and give Him some love

[lesbian-who-prays]

Happy Saint Barbara Day, a saint who I imagine to be the Patron of abused women and children. May she watch over everyone struggling with abuse and care for those who need it most. I extend a warm Saint Barbara’s Day to @godspriestess​ who is always championing for the protection of women and to @upyrica​ another independently minded folk-Orthodox influenced blogger who always manages to post about the saints on days I need it most. In addition, she is the Patron saint of miners, so Happy Saint Barbara’s Day to @slavicafire​ who has miner’s blood running deep in her Silesian veins. 

[lesbian-who-prays]

Although I don’t do so any longer, I used to attend two churches! One a Greek monastery and the other a Russian church, both orthodox. I don’t know your denomination, but in orthodoxy you should do Communion at the same church that you confess at. Other than that, there’s nothing stopping you from attending multiple churches if that’s what you want

and I’ll definitely try out the rosary tip!

praying the rosary and then being silent (like quakers) is an amazing and powerful combination i highly recommend. if you struggle with paying attention during silence and your thoughts run wild, praying the rosary beforehand is a great way to get your focus on God and getting some of your energy released. like talking excessively so that the silence isn’t so difficult.

i hadn’t been doing either of these at all since august and i completely regret it. i need to get back on my game bc this made me feel so much better :)

also: is it possible to attend two churches? like maybe alternating weekends or?? bc i love the idea of going to a friend’s meeting but i don’t think i would want to give up traditional church as well.

[lesbian-who-prays]

“Queer people of faith are ripped apart in all directions. But it is in the delicate art of re-seaming these wounds that transcendence abounds.”

— Amrou Al-Kadhi, The Book of Queer Prophets (edited by Ruth Hunt)

[lesbian-who-prays]

“The Eucharist bathes the tormented soul in light and love. Then the soul appreciates these words, ‘Come all you who are sick, I will restore your health.’”

— St. Bernadette Soubirous (via saintquotes)

[lesbian-who-prays]

The idea that God created us in Their image is just so beautiful. Because it's not the white, straight, male bodies so many of us were taught growing up.

It's the queer bodies. It's the black and brown bodies. It's the disabled bodies. It's the fat bodies. Everyone was created in Their image. It's not a white, straight, male privilege. It belongs to anyone and everyone.