lesliered1921-blog

[lesliered1921-blog]

Annoyed

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

[lesliered1921-blog]

The need to belong

It seems natural that once you are with someone that you become part of the family. Birthdays are celebrated together and holidays are spent cooking together. You plan trips and spent time together. This to me seems great and how it should be. I'm finding the older I get the less I see of this. I find myself asking is it me? Do I not fit well with the family? I have to take a step back and look at myself. I've decided it's not me. It's life. It's being closed to new things. I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Some ppl just like things to stay the same and in my opinion that's pretty shitty. I will never let any of my sons girlfriends ever feel left out or like she doesn't belong. If he loves her and decided to bring her around us then that means she is important to him and he is important to me. Life is to short to stay in our bubble. The more people we know the more things we learn or do. Why waste time and hurt someone?

[lesliered1921-blog]

The broken vase

When I was a little girl my dad was fixing a vase at the table. I was curious about what he was doing so I asked. He said he had to glue all the broken pieces back together so it would be whole again. So I sat and watched him work. When he was all done there was one piece that was just not right. It didn’t fit because it was also broken. My dad said sometime no matter how hard you try something’s can’t be put back together. I feel like in life this is also true. No matter how much we try to fix things they just don’t come together the way they were. A break is never as clean as it looks.

This isn’t always true for everyone. I see some people completely fine with the breaks and damage. They embrace it and build an even better “vase”. They learn and become better because of it. Then I see others who just can’t seem to get the “vase” to look how they feel it looked before and never are the same again.

What if that one broken piece was patched and put back together?? Maybe it just needed to have A little extra care and a little patch, with some time to heal to make it fit and whole again?

One thing I have never understood is the need for the past to come back. I feel as though once it’s gone let it go. So maybe fixing something isn’t the answer. Maybe, we need to start over and scratch what’s broken. Is that possible!? Can we just leave the pieces and start over again?

[lesliered1921-blog]

Hmm?

Idk why ppl leave out information or decide to keep things from someone. I guess thinking its better they don't know or maybe out of sight out our mind. Who knows. Why make someone with trust issues already have more reason to feel uncomfortable. I think upfront honestly is the key. I wish more ppl were like me. I rather be upfront about stuff then leave out anything. I rather you hear it from me then someone else. Or something get twisted. Okay rant over.

[lesliered1921-blog]

Away

I need to get away. Escape for a little. I need excitement and to feel alive again. Life is overwhelming and suffocates me some days. I want change and need change. Idk where to even start at this point. I'm trapped. It's like feeling alone in a room full of people but feeling cornered at the same time

[lesliered1921-blog]

scenery in banff, alberta

[lesliered1921-blog]

Biggest pet peeve

I can't take it when ppl are on fb but don't text you back. They will post or like things but can't even text you back. Makes me feel like the fb world matters more then I do.

[lesliered1921-blog]

When you see the difference and realize the pain

[lesliered1921-blog]

💋 my thoughts tonight.

I stay up for hours thinking of all our memories. I can name so many reasons why I love you and why I want you in my life. Sometimes it feels too good to be true. There are so many things that should keep us apart and they don't. That's crazy to me. In a good way. I think often how lucky am I? I often wish I could see us through your eyes. Or you could see us through mine. I wish so much you were here next to me. I love laughing with you! It's always a good time. Even getting lost or just watching tv. 😘

[lesliered1921-blog]

I want to feel the way that the moon feels. God-like, golden, but terrifying as I survive another night in the labyrinth of the mind.

Zoë Lianne, “For Nights When I Feel Too Much” (via eveninglesbian)

[lesliered1921-blog]

Annoyed

So annoyed. Seriously annoyed. Ppl are the worst. I miss being a kid and not knowing how crappy ppl can be. Between ppl I work with to my personal life it amazes me how crappy ppl are. I hate how I am so nice all the time. Ugh!!!!! It's funny how things were and how things are. And how much can change so fast. So many things make zero sense to me. I have never been so confused in my whole life.

[lesliered1921-blog]

Blah

The more I see the more it hurts. Why hide things?! I don't understand. I try so hard to be a good person and to understand ppl and to myself in their shoes. I'm too nice. That's why ppl lie and do things behind my back. And how the hell do I keep finding this crap out?! I'm not even looking for it?!!!!

[lesliered1921-blog]

[lesliered1921-blog]

Hurt and disappointed

It's very upsetting to know things are hidden from me. Secrets are kept. I hate how I tend to stumble onto things and find out things that happen behind my back. I'm more mad at myself for trusting. The funny thing about me is I will keep my mouth shut. Just bc I don't say anything doesn't mean it doesn't bother and hurt me. I'm better then that. I know a lot more then ppl think I know. I see and hear and find things out. What I don't understand is why it's being hidden from me. It hurts. Being supportive clearly doesn't mean shit any more. All I want is honesty. I want real. I don't hide things from ppl. Why is this hidden from me. Too bad not very well.

[lesliered1921-blog]

Only you

When I dance , I feel alive. The way you make me feel when we are together. I crave to feel alive. To be next to you. ❤️

[lesliered1921-blog]

Some days I feel so lost.

[lesliered1921-blog]

When you think you can't....that's when you can.

I have recently experienced the most amazing transformation. I really want to share this with everybody because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I think it is very difficult for people to survive and feel good about themselves in this strange world we live in today.. with that said let me tell you what helped me…..

It’s never easy to think you’re beautiful. It’s never easy to think you’re good enough. It’s also very difficult to do new things, stand up for yourself or succeed when you have anxiety. I have found myself many times wanting to do something fun and exciting, But choosing not to only because I had anxiety or somebody told me I couldn’t. How crazy is that to choose not to do something because someone told me that I couldn’t. How can I possibly think that somebody else will know what I can and can’t accomplish. How is it possible to let fear hold me back?

Anxiety is difficult to understand if you’ve never experienced it or if you’ve never known anybody who has it. Picture yourself in a room and you want out,but you can’t leave …you can’t see anything around you except right in front of you, as though it’s a tunnel that’s closing in on you and you can’t breathe….you can’t hear anything but your own thoughts…they are telling you a million things at one time, terrible things, things very far from reality. Yet so real you are frozen with fear. It is pulling you in a million directions at the same time! You’re scared, you’re alone and you can’t breathe. The crazy part is you are in a crowded Subway with your boyfriend and his son. The train stops and people file on. No big deal right? Wrong! Anxiety kicks in…people you don’t know are sitting next to you. You feel alone and far from your spouse. They are only a short 2 feet away. To you and your anxiety they are miles away and the people on this train are strangers who will hurt you or worse…what if the train crashes? In the real world you are fine and your stop is next and you exit and go on with your day. A little more exhausted though from your anxiety attack.

I am going to let you in on my secret. You need to except your anxiety and realize you are not alone and that is step one. I couldn’t do anything without feeling panicked or I would make up an excuse and just not go. Second step…tell someone how you feel while you feel it. Let them walk you through it. It helps to just know someone cares and is there just in case. Let them understand it. Hold hands when you feel it happen. Talk about something else until it passes. Step three. Find someone who you can help. Helping others with anxiety has helped me. It’s feeling accepted and not alone. Step four. Take baby steps. Ease yourself into things that are outside your comfort zone. I suggest you bring a friend until you are comfortable. Try something you wouldn’t. Speak up at the work meetings about an idea you had. Apply for that job you want that scares you!!!! Go an a trip without booking a hotel room and just go with the flow and plan as you go….

You are beautiful and you can do this. Get that job you know you deserve! Take that road trip you were too scared to take. But most of all believe in you and who you are.