lessthanbefore

[lessthanbefore]

[lessthanbefore]

NegさんはTwitterを使っています: おしりスケッチ

[lessthanbefore]

[lessthanbefore]

[lessthanbefore]

what's it like being able to pass? to look the way you want to look and be seen the way you want to be seen? to not have to grapple with questions about your validity due to not passing, or feelings of disconnect from the identity you've fought for years not to be ashamed of because you still can't see yourself reflected in the mirror?

is it nice? does it make the struggle worth it?

[lessthanbefore]

[lessthanbefore]

it always ends the same

[lessthanbefore]

[lessthanbefore]

I’m always here if you need to talk 💜

[lessthanbefore]

[lessthanbefore]

Its so hard to pretend that nothing bothers me when I feel so fucking lonely even when I'm talking to people I love. My masks work so well in real life but as soon as I'm home my mask refuses to stay on and I break down. I hate feeling lonely. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT! And what makes it worse is that I can't do anything to sooth this feeling. Talking to the friends I talk to everyday does nothing for my loneliness and the people I really wish I could talk to have better things to do with their lives than deal with stupid ol' me. I'm so tired of it.

[lessthanbefore]

Why did I make a tumblr to vent if I was just going to stay self-contained to even vent on an online diary?

[lessthanbefore]

Why the fuck are medical procedures so expensive? For two Corneal Crosslinks it’s fucking 14 thousand dollars??? The entire procedure is removing a small layer of tissue from the cornea, dripping special eyedrops on the cornea and then flashing ultraviolet light on it to strengthen it and then putting a fake cornea on for about a week like, this isn’t some super fucking insane and intensive procedure so why in gods name is the operation cost more than my car???

[lessthanbefore]

I’m not sure it’s even worth trying to get better. Not trying at all means I’ll never  be disappointed with the outcome since I’ve gotten exactly what I was expecting and if I try and fail then I will just be more sad that I’m more of a failure than I thought. I don’t know..

[lessthanbefore]

Dying alone honestly doesn't sound that bad. I know my pseudofriends would pretend to be sad about my death and get over it in a week and so would any of my family members since I'm such a toxic and terrible person but having someone that loves you, leaving them behind must be the worst thing ever for both parties involved. Maybe one day I'll experience something like a significant other and it all might just click and make it so I don't want to leave everyone behind but at this point all that is is fairytales and wishful thinking and it will most likely stay that way as well.

[lessthanbefore]

Lately I've noticed that it's harder to breath. I'm not sure if it's from the pressure I'm under or if it's that I'm forgetting how.

[lessthanbefore]

I'll cover them up in whatever I can find hoping that this time it'll be enough to keep it from breaking again, but it never is.