lestteric

[lestteric]

love leaves — and i don’t think i can survive if i lose her

[lestteric]

truly not made for love

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i’m so not capable of love

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i miss you so much

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goodnight. even after everything, i miss you so much. i wish i didn’t fuck this up. god.

[lestteric]

Stage 1 of grief:

Denial.

I’m eating breakfast buffet and I can’t stop wishing we could have this too someday.

We can’t, ever.

[lestteric]

What if it’s right person, right timing, wrong way of loving?

I know I love you through how many times I taste my cooking just to make sure it’s to your liking. I know I love you when I wake up earlier than you so I could get a headstart when we clean up the house. Oh, the house. The house that feels like home more than my own home. The house that can never been seen as convenient, rather a place I’d rather be in through rainy days and blackouts. The house that gives me snippets of how a life with you could be. Or could’ve been. The house that you think I consider a pit-stop house.

I know I love you through the gentle ways I call your name, through the adoration in my eyes when I look at your perfectly-formed smile and pretty brown eyes. And when I could literally/physically feel it in my heart. I know I love you when I ask what you want to eat first even when I have something in mind. I know I love you when I keep pressing ‘Next Episode’ when watching HIMYM with you. I know I love you when I drive you around with no hesitations even though I always say it’s only to not have your road rage getting worse. I know I love you through the soft kisses I leave on your pretty face before I go to work. I know I love you when I keep picturing a future together when I know that’s biologically & religiously impossible. I know I love you when somebody mentions love, the first thing that comes to mind is you.

But do you… know that I love you?

I know you don’t feel it when I opened up about our relationship to our colleagues. I know you don’t feel it when that feels like I’m throwing you under the bus. I know you don’t feel it when I avoided talking to you when it was too much. I know you don’t feel it when I acted as if my colleagues matter more to me by saying I’m grateful that they were there for me when I needed someone. I know you don’t feel it when I told you that I regret choosing them to tell and I wish to turn back time. I know you don’t feel it when I didn’t try to stand up for you.

But I did. Well, I tried.

But in the wrong way. Because that’s me, I don’t know how to love correctly. I don’t know what words to use. I care about what people think of me too much. Because that’s me, who always messes it up.

But did you… love me?

Did you love me when you played me while on the search of person you share your whole life with? Did you love me every time you blocked me during an argument? Did you love me when it was hard to decide between me or two of your past lovers? Did you love me when comparing between me and them got easier? Did you love me when you invalidate my feelings? Did you love me when you were glad your friends were on the same boat with you? Did you love me when every time something goes south you said we’re not even together? You hurt me when we were together, you hurt me even more when we’re not.

Your confusion makes me confused and hurt.

But you did love me when you tried to change. You did loved me when you included me in your circles. You did loved me when you tried keeping me in your life while you were hurt. God, you loved me in so many ways. You did loved me. And I did loved you.

I do love you, but I am a mess. Of course I love you. If not why would I spend the only night I’m with my family by a random window in this hotel, just thinking of ways the universe can bring us back together. Of course I love you. If not, resigning wouldn’t be so fucking hard cause I know that’s the last string holding you and me. Of course I love you, if not I wouldn’t cry this hard thinking this morning was the last time I ever get to kiss your forehead and hug you. Of course I love you, if not I wouldn’t be wishing for all the stars out here to redo the text. If not I wouldn’t be wishing March never happened.

Of course I love you and I always will. Of course you loved me and you never will.

I’m sorry. Even my death wouldn’t make up for how sorry I am. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that, if I could go back I’d leave you alone. For a copywriter, I sure am bad at writing. Wish I had done proof-read. Wish I had done nothing. Wish I had done everything.

God, I love her. But I’m not good at that, so please take her away from me. Let her find someone better. Let me find myself too.

Till then, my Moon.

I love you. Ripping my heart out of my chest, I am really, really sorry.

[lestteric]

ptsd after ptsd

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i’m so so tired

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don’t know if i can do this anymore

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i love and miss you.

but are these signs that i’m seeing?

[lestteric]

or maybe it’s still just hard

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things have been splendid but that’s just because i’m distracted and content,

when i’m alone in misery the voices in my head ring a little too loudly

reminding me of the hurt

so forgive me if i have flashbacks of the pain

i just hope you won’t ruin me like that again

[lestteric]

words cut deep

i can’t pretend it never happened just because you didn’t mean it

it’s one thing to say it to me to hurt me on purpose

it’s another to say it sincerely to provide comfort

and you say my feelings mattered most to you

what was that then?

[lestteric]

i turn sadness into anger

[lestteric]

do you think of love when you hear my name

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you see the thing about me is that it’s not like people are not enough for me. in fact i find them more than enough to believe that i deserve them. so when things go my way i’ll start to question their intentions whether or not it’s genuine or there’s something behind it. i just find it hard to trust people, and that’s not okay.