let-me-tell-you-something

[let-me-tell-you-something]

06-13-2025

My mom is 50 now, which is nice.

She had difficulty breathing just earlier, she was quiet for a few minutes and when she could sit up again, I could’ve sworn she was almost crying.

I know it shouldn’t be much because she just started her middle-aged years but…my mind immediately went to lung cancer.

I don’t understand tho. Even if it’s not in the lungs, it’s still possible. My grandpa—her dad—died of that.

I’m a bit scared. If she dies before I turn 20, I don’t know what to do.

also i might need glasses because my eyes are messing with me sometimes

[let-me-tell-you-something]

01-15-2024

First post of 2024. Go figure.

This time it’s nowhere near a negative rant, or a vent about my inner turmoil. Today, I’d like to talk about something. The sky.

It sounds stupid, but hear me out.

The sky is always there. It looks different everyday, with all the weather changes, time passing by…and yet, it never fails to be so beautiful. When the sun is up and I look at what’s above me, it’s not much until I start to notice how the clouds layer on top of one another. I start to see how the light blue fades into a circle of a slightly darker shade at the top, and I start to really think about the shape of the Earth. Whether it’s sunny or cloudy, I notice the shapes, bushes, and streaks of clouds.

It gets better when the sun starts to touch the horizon a little bit. The orange and blue colors of the sky (sometimes also purple and pink) mix together to create intricate gradients, highlighted by the clouds. I once came home from school to a beautiful purple sky. The clouds were oddly smooth and twisted in a way I’ve never seen from my neighborhood, like giant cotton candy. The biggest clouds were swirled like serene tornadoes, and I was in awe. The only way I could describe the sky that day was a real life painting. The most beautiful sky I’ve ever seen.

Then there’s the night. I’ve always been fond of stargazing. Whenever the sky happened to clear at night to make way for the stars, I could look at them forever. My mind tries to make out the other constellations that weren’t Orion the Hunter. One night when I was a child, I was stargazing with my dad from our home, and I swear I saw a shooting star. I was the only one who saw it that night. It felt like a dream.

With that being said, the sky is always beautiful, even when it’s cloudy and ugly. You know and can tell that the clouds formed some kind of pattern, but it’s too big to see it from here. I think I get why kids always said they wanted the power of flight. Whenever I look at the sky, I feel so…small. All my problems seem insignificant compared to the vast sky. It makes you want to get up there and appreciate the clouds from a different angle. To be up there with those clouds. Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to fly without being confined into a plane, if physics couldn’t kill me. I wonder if I would feel so free, both physically and mentally. Maybe I would stop worrying about everything in life if I was up there.

There’s a phenomenon that astronauts (or anyone who’s ever been to space for that matter) experience when they look at Earth from space for the first time. According to them, world conflicts and everyone’s problems suddenly felt so meaningless. The Earth was no longer a big place, but rather a tiny ball of rock and water floating in the infinite expanse of space. So many problems…all contained in that tiny blue rock. And once they experience that phenomenon, they may never come back from it again.

It brings me a sense of stillness and smallness. I could look at the sky for hours, if it weren’t for life pushing me around so quickly and demandingly, making me trip to my knees. I fall to the ground, but instead of facing up towards the sky, I end up face down, eyes glued to the ground in uncertainty and fear.

One day, I want to look at the sky without a care in the world, to look up for as long as I want.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

11-09-2023

I HATE GLOBAL PROBLEMS.

Typing this on a whim, but I really need to say this. I can’t go one day without hearing at least one mention or reminder of what is going on in the world right now. I don’t wanna hear about it anymore, I want it to stop. Let it stop, let the world be quiet for just ONE moment, please.

They make me scared. I’m scared to speak out my thoughts on shit like the rise of LGBT+ (or literally anything related to them), the Israel-Hamas war, abortion debate, whatever the fuck is happening right now. I’ve heard everyone else out, and that’s good, but now it makes me so fucking scared. I wish I didn’t have to live a day where an opinion I have can make me live in fear of being outcasted.

FUCK IT. WHILE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT IT, LET’S GO THROUGH THEM, SHALL WE???

I don’t support lgbt+. This might come off as hypocritical, as I am more fine with seeing it in fandom works than reality, but I really don’t. Especially with the bad eggs among them that are actively harming children’s minds. I have some friends who identify as anything but cishet, and that’s fine. I love them for who they are, their identity doesn’t matter as long as they’re good and reliable friends. It’s not on me to force it upon them that that’s not how humans work.

Personally, I’m “pro-life” or whatever you call it. I don’t support abortion. Like, saying “I don’t want to give birth to a product of rape” is reasonable, especially if the victim is a minor. But using the reason that fetuses are not yet human so it’s technically not murder??? Unborn children are still human, just as unborn puppies are still puppies. Also, if you wanna have sex with someone and you don’t want the child that comes with it, don’t. Just don’t.

ABOUT THE ISRAEL-HAMAS WAR….there is no such thing as Palestine. Israel has a long recorded history, and the land has always belonged to their people. You can’t blame them for defending their land. Sidenote, I still do feel sympathy for the Palestinian civilians who wanted nothing to do with it. Those Hamas guys struck first, didn’t they? They want to wipe out all of Israel. Why is Israel the bad guy here? Shit, this is why I hate making an opinion on this. It’s confusing, and I don’t want to make an uneducated thought.

I’m tired. I could talk more about it but the more I do, the more my brain hurts. All the chaos in the world’s really marking the end times, huh?

Can we all stop for one day, please? Let us have some more good things happening. Can we not fight? Can we not hide behind our fears and personas and stop lying to ourselves? Can’t the world become a better place like every great person has promised they would make it to be, for just…one…minute????

[let-me-tell-you-something]

10-23-2023

Dear God, why is everything in my life the way it is now?

I mean don’t get me wrong, I love where I am right now. I have a somewhat okay relationship with my family and classmates, school isn’t that hard on me compared to my other friends, and I officially have a wonderful, lovely boyfriend for 4-5 months now. I found a new hobby, found new friends through said hobby, improved my skills, got recruited for the sound tech team at church, and now I have a good idea of what my future looks like: a full-time musician, content creator, and streamer. I can also see myself being a band member in the future, or at least, I want to be part of one.

But there’s also some things I wish I could do or things I regret doing. I wish there was some way for me to interact directly with the creators I look up to. I wish I didn’t say I’m “always content” with what I have because sometimes I want what others have, like videogames and a better computer setup. I wish that whenever I watch someone do music prod, I’m inspired by them, instead of experiencing impostor syndrome.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I knew You a little later in life instead of knowing You for my whole life, my faith would’ve been deeper. Being born and raised a Christian, the lifestyle is normal to me. It’s like realizing that whatever is normal for me in the Philippines turned out to be weird in other countries. I really, really want to experience what makes it so good, but I can’t bring myself to do that out of doubts and fears…

Is this what You wanted for me? Is this Your plan in motion? I want to trust You but I need to know what’s next. I can’t tell whether I’m acting by myself or You are putting a thought in my head.

I’ve heard the stories, I’ve seen the historic evidence. I know You are the real deal. I know You, but I don’t know You, and I didn’t even want to openly admit I was struggling with that until some months ago.

Please let me know I’m on the right track in life. Please let me know I’m not just running around lost. It almost makes me feel sad to ask You, because I’ve never prayed from my own heart, and even if I did, my heart did not accept you. So, I will probably not be able to even see Your signs for me.

Uhhh yea, that’s all. Amen

[let-me-tell-you-something]

08-27-2023

not sure if i've already brought this up before, but i'm afraid of many things.

i'm afraid of the future. i'm lost and uncertain.

i'm afraid of what i'll become. i might be a bad person.

i'm afraid of what i can lose. i might lose everything and everyone i've ever loved.

i'm afraid of saying the wrong things, so i shut up.

i'm afraid of doing the wrong things, so i don't make a lot of hard decisions.

i'm afraid of being anything and anyone, really.

i'm afraid to even think. i don't want to think about problems.

i know i have to face all these at some point, and i'm VERY certain that that point is now, but if i could just have that moment of peace before it all went down, i would.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

03-24-2023

Graduation is in two days and my heart has never felt heavier.

Today is the final day of practice for graduation performances, tomorrow is rest day, and then the day after that, I graduate. At the start of the school year I had no friends apart from my sister, and that stayed the same even when face to face classes were reintroduced. That was already enough for me. In the second half of the school year, one thing led to another and suddenly we had friends, and our friend group continued to grow. I didn’t think I’d be leaving this school with friends I’ve only hung out with for a few months, let alone a special someone in my friend group.

Now that I’m about to graduate grade 10, I feel weird. The same kind of weird I experienced in grade 6. A lot of us are moving to different schools and even though I say I’m not worried that we’ll eventually split because that’s how things work, I’m still worried. I find it hard to let these types of things go.

And my special someone, I want to spend time with him before he…let’s just say I probably won’t see him in person again until we graduate college and become functioning adults.

I’m already sensing some tears will be happening today and friday. They keep saying “save your tears for graduation” but I think it’s impossible.

I’m going to hug my friends really tightly, and my special someone even tighter. I’m gonna miss them so much.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

In the end, I talked to my dad to express my feelings and I’m feeling better now. For now, I’m trying to think of the good parts about this renovation. The crying can be for New Year’s Eve.

Hey, this is the home my childhood self would always dream of, anyway. I’d feel excited if I was still, like…seven years old.

02-05-2023

I think the hardest thing I will ever face in my life is letting go. Let me explain.

Imagine you’re me, in the mall with my family. You head to a coffee shop after buying clothes and sit down. You’re sitting there, writing down ideas for a comic class activity. While waiting for your orders, mom tells your sister to not buy too much clothes to save money, so they can…build a new house? You’re intrigued at first, until dad comes back from the cashier, sits down, and adds that…your old house will be demolished so a new house will be built on top of it.

Yep, that’s exactly what happened to me earlier, or should I say ‘yesterday’ as I’m writing this at midnight. The moment I heard that our family home will be demolished and renovated, I stopped. I thought my parents were joking, but no matter how many times I asked, they said they weren’t.

And then the tears kicked in, slowly but painfully.

Can you imagine? My family home holding mga fifteen years worth of memories…gone just like that. It may be just a house to most, but to me, it held a great sentimental value I can’t describe. Sure, the new home will have two floors and a roof deck, a music room, workshop, shared office, and I get to have my own separate bedroom…but I’d throw it the fuck away if it meant keeping the old house. The yellow walls, the iconic floor tiles I’ve always associated with my own home…it’s irreplaceable.

The new house would have soo much white walls and floors and it looks empty, like…hella empty. Plus, it’s not like I plan to live in this otherwise rich guy-looking house because I plan to live alone with my sister and best friend. It’s not like I’ll stay here forever, unless my friend is allowed to permanently settle with us here.

They’re planning to move to a temporary home near where my sister and I would be studying for senior high school, and then start the demolition either later this year or the start of next year.

What does this have to do with letting go? To put it simply, I tend to either hold on to things very close or forget them entirely. This one, my house? I don’t want it to go. It’s my childhood home. It’s my life. Like I said, this house is fifteen years worth of memories. FIFTEEN YEARS. Fifteen years of joy, sorrow, anger, fear, hate, love…

I don’t want to think about when I’ll sleep in my cluttered but comfortable room for the last time. 

I don’t want to think about when I’ll sing songs in our old living room for the last time. 

I don’t want to think about when I’ll get to take in the sight of my first bedroom (now my parents’ room) for the last time.

I know it had to happen eventually, and my only prayer is that all this will be worth the trouble. The fact that 2023 will be the last year I’ll get to be with our old home is…I don’t even know anymore…

Anyways, time to distract myself…

[let-me-tell-you-something]

02-25-2023

I think the hardest thing I will ever face in my life is letting go. Let me explain.

Imagine you’re me, in the mall with my family. You head to a coffee shop after buying clothes and sit down. You’re sitting there, writing down ideas for a comic class activity. While waiting for your orders, mom tells your sister to not buy too much clothes to save money, so they can…build a new house? You’re intrigued at first, until dad comes back from the cashier, sits down, and adds that…your old house will be demolished so a new house will be built on top of it.

Yep, that’s exactly what happened to me earlier, or should I say ‘yesterday’ as I’m writing this at midnight. The moment I heard that our family home will be demolished and renovated, I stopped. I thought my parents were joking, but no matter how many times I asked, they said they weren’t.

And then the tears kicked in, slowly but painfully.

Can you imagine? My family home holding mga fifteen years worth of memories…gone just like that. It may be just a house to most, but to me, it held a great sentimental value I can’t describe. Sure, the new home will have two floors and a roof deck, a music room, workshop, shared office, and I get to have my own separate bedroom…but I’d throw it the fuck away if it meant keeping the old house. The yellow walls, the iconic floor tiles I’ve always associated with my own home…it’s irreplaceable.

The new house would have soo much white walls and floors and it looks empty, like…hella empty. Plus, it’s not like I plan to live in this otherwise rich guy-looking house because I plan to live alone with my sister and best friend. It’s not like I’ll stay here forever, unless my friend is allowed to permanently settle with us here.

They’re planning to move to a temporary home near where my sister and I would be studying for senior high school, and then start the demolition either later this year or the start of next year.

What does this have to do with letting go? To put it simply, I tend to either hold on to things very close or forget them entirely. This one, my house? I don’t want it to go. It’s my childhood home. It’s my life. Like I said, this house is fifteen years worth of memories. FIFTEEN YEARS. Fifteen years of joy, sorrow, anger, fear, hate, love…

I don’t want to think about when I’ll sleep in my cluttered but comfortable room for the last time. 

I don’t want to think about when I’ll sing songs in our old living room for the last time. 

I don’t want to think about when I’ll get to take in the sight of my first bedroom (now my parents’ room) for the last time.

I know it had to happen eventually, and my only prayer is that all this will be worth the trouble. The fact that 2023 will be the last year I’ll get to be with our old home is…I don’t even know anymore…

Anyways, time to distract myself…

[let-me-tell-you-something]

12-01-2022

UghhHHHHHHH

My motivation is way below the floor. Six feet under. Literally nonexistent. My requirements are many and my side projects are many more. Part of me says I should drop out, which no way in hell will I ever. I have a presentation for research subject tomorrow and I didn't do shit. Well, time to cram because that works like 30% of the time. It's good that I'm not the only one who hasn't finished yet, but they have different reasons– eh fuck it.

Speaking of side projects, like I said, I have so fucking many. I have so much music to make, and stories...oh boy. The AO3 fics I've been making recently. There's people who absolutely love my works, right? Great. Awesome. But now in my head I'm like "I can't fuck this up because people are gonna read this".

Doesn't help that I haven't done shit for that one FNF mod song I was tasked to work on. My head is going "I can't fuck this up because possible hundreds of thousands of people are going to listen to this". FUCKIN–

Also, why is it SO HARD to start a fucking conversation? Yesterday, I was with my sister and best friend and this guy who I haven't spoken to since my childhood. Anyways, dad said we should make him feel welcomed in our friend group which, because my best friend is a social butterfly, is a successful mission. Now those two are having so much fun and I wanted to talk about something unrelated to the current topic but I held myself back because I didn't even know if he'll be interested in it, and because I didn't wanna interrupt the fun. Now I (and my sister) feel left out and I fucking hate myself for being a chicken. I couldn't even ask about shit. How does everyone else make it so easy?

I won't be surprised if my mental health actually becomes terrible for the first time ever. I wish I can just sleep whenever I want and for as long as I want.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

11-07-2022

I wanna cry dude I gave myself a lot to do because I thought it would be funny

So I have instrumentals to make for (hopefully) two albums which I can always set aside bc I feel free to do so.

Then I have a fuckton of shit to write and ideas for many more have come my way and I feel obligated to put something but Comic Sans MS thought it would be funny if it didn't get the creative juices flowing.

Then there's this long-term thing my roommate and I are making but we have nothing to put there.

Then there's this amv my roommate and I are making but we have no ideas but it's slowly coming along. (and I mean s l o w l y)

Then there's me getting the small urge to do horror let's plays of random games I find on the crazygames site but I get scared easily and I am nowhere near proud of it.

Then I have other video ideas like animatics and all that shit.

There's also this instrumental of a song I have to make for an FNF mod and I don't want it (the song) to be terrible. The mod creator actually DMed me just earlier asking about it and I told them about my motivation problems. They were understanding about it, which is fine.

Not to mention I lost motivation to do this one insanely (in my opinion) difficult school project because it kept falling apart, literally.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

10-29-2022

Here comes the many thoughts train again!

Does it ever just hit you that your choices, even the little ones, can make a big difference at some point? Sometimes I look back and think that. Man, butterfly effects are weird. Call me weird but it feels like I'm shaping whatever goes on in my life. I find something and suddenly it's everywhere. Either that or that's whatever God Himself is doing.

I also wrote a short (secret) story to cope with the fact that I may never meet my favorite people in time. Like, I'm still young, but the fact it's impossible to meet my favorite creators or Discord friends is just...makes me kinda sad. I know it doesn't happen to just anybody, but still. If I think about it too much, it can start to hurt just a little bit. I've come to accept it, though, with the only problem being my life would be extra uninteresting if that didn't happen.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

10-08-2022

Various things have been happening to me, here we fucking go.

There's my inner voice going on about how I can't do anything right again...I don't feel like doing anything and now I want to get angry at something.

She does have a point though. I actually can’t, and I don’t see myself changing anytime soon. I want to be able to live my ideal life but a lot of things keep me from doing so. I could only dream…

I also feel like I don’t deserve the things I want. I’m not sure whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I have an entire wishlist of them and the only thing stopping my from asking my parents is that I didn’t do anything to earn them. I don’t want to sound like a spoiled brat.

Do you ever just have any problems that don’t seem like a big deal to others? Yeah, that’s how I’m feeling, at least. I haven’t told anyone though because complaining like, for lack of better term, a “whiny bitch” is the cringiest thing I would do (except i did just that because i chose resuming homework over washing the dishes)

Why is talking to people so scary? I hang out with them all the time. Especially adults. Sometimes my mom or a teacher will want to talk to me and I’m here wondering if I did something wrong. Just yesterday I felt like crying after talking to a teacher because I felt like I made a mistake. The teacher didn’t say anything wrong, it was more of a thing on my part.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m selfish. Do I want to be miserable? Why am I like this? This isn’t normal. Goddammit this sucks.

Actually, about not wanting to whine and complain, that’s kinda why I started this blog, so at least I have someplace to let my thoughts out. 💀

[let-me-tell-you-something]

10-02-2022

Yesterday my friend told me they turned atheist. Growing up in a Christian family, I think something in me felt weird. I didn't want to bring up how I felt so I tried to forget about it and instead just go along with it.

Now, I won't name names and I won't go be like those people who bully because of religious differences, but I'm very sure I didn't feel good when they told me that. I'm sure my sister shared that same dilemma, since her —for a lack of a better term— discomfort was slightly more visible. I even had to give her that "please don't make them feel uncomfortable" look.

How do I put this? I guess something wasn't right? I don't want to hate them. They're a good friend, really they are, but somehow, them casually saying they turned atheist like it was nothing made me want to say things, except I didn't have anything to do or say other than nod. It's not my fault for not getting involved more with God and the church, right?

(note: although I do believe in God, I'm not too religious for some reason)

I don't know who I can talk to about this. I feel a little heavy inside just thinking about it.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

09-05-2022

I want to ramble about something I woke up to because it's my birthday today. (yay!)

Keep reading for update on this blog

For context: Some months ago I changed my number because my old one expired already. Anybody who has changed their number before would know that one downside to this is that said number may have belonged to someone else before. So this person (who I won't name) starts trying to call me on Viber because apparently, I was using their old number and they wanted to know who I was. I told them I changed my number and blocked them.

Back to the present. I woke up to check the time on my phone and see that now ANOTHER person I don't know has sent me a message. After getting up and turning on my laptop (because school) I checked Viber to see what she has sent. It was a simple "Happy birthday, God bless you, [name of person who texted me months ago]!" and then I remembered I was using someone's old number, and that this person still must've had them in their contacts.

I dunno. Something about a stranger wishing me a happy birthday even if they don't know it...it's kinda wholesome.

About the update: I disabled asks because I'm turning this into a personal rant blog. Idk I felt like I really needed it. I also changed the title and description of the blog. I'll keep the url tho.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

06-01-2022

I think being LGBTQ+ is starting to get overrated. No hate, though.

Don't get me wrong, homophobia and other similar hate towards the community still exists, and there's still more who aren't part of it than those who are (I think), but I think it's starting to get overrated. I dunno why, I just started thinking that.

I think it's just me growing up in a family that doesn't support LGBTQ+ (but they're some of the nicest people I have in my life and I'm grateful for them) and as a result, I get slightly uncomfortable when it comes to the topic, because I can't say my opinion on it without sounding rude lmao.

Anyways, I haven't finished preparing myself to get cancelled in the event someone sees this so...expect to find me dead the next morning (/j)

[let-me-tell-you-something]

05-29-2022

I think I'm lost.

I have a good idea of what my 'right path' is. The thing is though, I don't know how to get there. It's not as easy as one would think. Hell, I don't know how anyone can help. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I keep doing mostly the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing thinking that if I ever get scolded for it, I'll just respond with "Yeah, I expected this." I'm not even gonna cry about it, because what's the point of crying from something I did to myself?

Even crazier that I'm still sane and keeping my head up. It's like I don't regret a thing. I feel like, at some point, all those times where I didn't flinch will come back to me and I'll start bursting in tears.

[let-me-tell-you-something]

05-28-2022

Every time I see a group hanging out and I'm just there...not being in the moment with them, I think to myself that maybe I'm not a fun person and that people will be bored with me. Of course, it isn't true, but what if though?

I also think I'm not a social person, despite being sometimes loud and having unfunny humor. :\