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[letherreign]

Why I stayed for 5 years?

I wanted an out on this relationship a long time ago. I was just waiting for him to mess up which is selfish and unfair. But was it really? This particular relationship lasted for 5 years. More or less 5 break ups until it was really over.

So if you ask me, why did I stayed for 5 years even though I wanted an out?

Break up is the common cause of depression and suicide. People who are thinking about hurting themselves are the one who are mostly prone to commiting the actual suicide. A sign of suicidal action is cutting yourself to rebel against someone you love. You don’t cut yourself for someone you don’t even know or love, do you?

My ex-boyfriend did this. Cut himself in the forearm. Take note, he did not cut himself on the wrist or somewhere on the arm near a vein. He cut himself in the forearm where you can’t find any vein, just muscle. I don’t know if I should laugh at that moment or get angry because I don’t get why he did that to himself. We had a fight, an argument, I can’t remember but that moment I realized that this person is suicidal.

He doesn’t do this often so I can’t figure out why he did it. Cutting yourself on the forearm means you don’t want to die. If you wanted to die, you cut yourself in the vein where you’ll bleed out, right? So his action means he’s rebelling against me. He’s doing it to despise me, am I right?

There are other moments like he’s saying if we broke up, he can’t handle it he’ll just jump on the school building instead. And suicides like this happen sometimes in our school and we found out about it in news. Of course I don’t want that to happen. I may have the worst attitude back in College but I am not the type to let someone die because of me.

There are countless times I can recognize he’s suicidal but that’s not the point.

My point is, I stayed in the relationship because I was afraid he’ll commit suicide. I was thinking what will happen to him before what I really wants.

I stayed for 5 years even though he cheated on me. Why? Because he begged. Right after I found out about it, he said I am the one he loves. He doesn’t love the girl even though I’ve read the conversation with his friends. He said to his friends, he’s not ready to tell me because he wasn’t sure about his feelings for me. But when I found out about it and confronted him, he said he can’t live without me and he loves me, not the girl. What now?

Sounds absurd to me until now. I was done but he begged me. You know those kinds that says ‘I’m sorry, I was confused, I just missed you and she was there, you weren’t.’

Emotionally cheating is way more hurtful than just physical cheating. Emotionally cheating is falling in love with someone even when you are in a committed relationship. Physical cheating is just sex, nothing special.

But you know what? I forgave him. Maybe he’s right, he was confused? Maybe this is what distance does to us. So once again, I considered his feelings first and forget about mine.

Being in a long term relationship and suddenly ending it was hard. It’s hard both on your parents and to yourself. I was lucky my Dad and brother doesn’t like him that much. After he cheated I think my Dad didn’t liked him like he used to. It was hard for me because I had to deal with him, that guy is super emotional. And my Mother, my Mother liked him because she likes everyone. She’s this happy sunshine where she likes who likes her.

When we broke up the first time, I didn’t tell her because she’ll be sad. And knowing her, she’s super curious and has so many questions. I want to avoid that so everytime we break up, I don’t tell her. Well except the one when he cheated on me. I had to tell her to stop talking to him because he cheated on her daughter. Sound immature of me. But anyway, another reason I stayed for 5 years is because I don’t want my Mom to be sad about it. I was thinking of what she will feel if she finds out we’re over. I’ve put my feelings aside. I’m used to it. I’m a living robot.

Staying in that relationship even though my feelings were not the same as what he’s feeling means at some point, I fell in love with someone else. I denied that feelings for years because it was so wrong on many levels. I am in a committed relationship. I should love him like he deserves. And thinking about breaking up with him for the reason of I have feelings for someone else will really hurt him.

So I didn’t.

I let that someone pass. I was in a relationship and I KNOW that was the right thing to do. Or that’s what I thought.

I’ve put his feelings first before mine once again.

I stayed for 5 years and tried and pretended to be happy because I want everyone around me to be happy. My feelings? Nah, no one really cares about it.

I didn’t stayed for 5 years because I was so in love with him. I stayed for 5 years because of countless reason which I think is my fault. It all goes back to me.

Realizing it now, staying for 5 years was not the best decision I made. I should’ve told them what I was feeling. I should’ve ended that thing a long time ago because I was unfair even from the very beginning, waiting for him to mess up.

Now, I am done staying for 5 years. I broke up with him. My relationship with my Mother is going sideways, they are not happy. NO ONE is happy. NO ONE understands.

But you know what? It is all worth it. Your own feelings matters most of all. Sometimes it is good to be selfish.

This will sound stupid but my Mom said being in a relationship with a guy is like being in a mother-daughter relationship. You don’t leave that person because you have no choice. She’s your daughter/mother, you can do nothing about that.

I don’t know about you guys but I disagree with her. Mother-daughter relationship is different from boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Duh! You choose who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with. That’s why boyfriends/girlfriends are temporary. Either you get married or break up. You don’t stay as boyfriend/girlfriend forever.