lets-move-mountains

[lets-move-mountains]

I miss you

I miss you so much

Its only been 12 days but I've never been away from you for this long

I lay awake at night, not because you're kicking my back or slapping my face or stealing my pillow. I lay awake because I thought I heard you say mama from your bedroom. I thought I heard your footsteps in the hallway. You always woke up in the middle of the night for some milk and my body doesn't know how to sleep through the night because it remembers you waking it up.

Your mom said you cry for us, and that breaks my heart. I just want to pick you up and sing your song in your ear. I'm sure you're so confused

I want to kiss your face and feel your head on my chest. But it's going to be a while until I can see you again.

I want to hear you sing blippi songs all day and see your face light up everytime the school bus drives by our house. I want to hear your voice again. In real life.... not just in videos.

I want to take you to the trampoline park one more time.

I want to cut your fruit up into bite size pieces and watch you climb the pantry looking for snacks and tell Google to play wheels on the bus

I want to eat wesco popcorn right out of the bucket with you while we watch your tablet together.

Your room is empty. Your toys are gone. This house is quiet. And I try to pretend everything is OK.

You knew something was different at the last drop off, I could see it in your face. I shouldn't have taken this picture, but your eyes said it all.

[lets-move-mountains]

These walls will be empty. His toys will be gone. There won't be a snuggly baby to tuck in at night. My wake up call won't be a wife eyed boy yelling "Mommy!". Bottles and sippy cups won't need to be refilled. I won't be giving anymore baths after playing outside. Blippi won't be playing in the background all day long. No more Giggles, cries, and squeeling. No slobbery kisses, tight hugs, or warm cuddles. Dada won't get FaceTime calls in the middle of the day just to say hello.

I already know what life is like when we finally say goodbye. But what comes next is still very much in the dark

[lets-move-mountains]

(**I will not be sharing names to protect privacy, instead I have listed our babies by placement number. Each of our children do have a name and a face and they are real humans with real lives and deserve for their privacy to be protected.)

13.....

My husband and I have had 13 children live with us over the course of the last 6 years.

Our first 3 were here for a year, we loved them as if they were our own, they broke the seal not only to what it was like for us to be parents, but what it felt like to love deeply and have to give them back to their amazing mother. That goodbye was our first of many. But thankfully it was not goodbye forever! We still get updates and can visit them when possible!

Our 4th was 11 days old when we picked him up from the hospital, he taught us how to care for a fragile child, but his incredibly strong mother overcame all odds, as well as her past mistakes, and he was reunited with her when he was 10 months old.

Our 5th was only with us for 3 days. We got a call from our agency that this 6 month old little man was taken from his home in Michigan and was found in Illinois. He was in desperate need of a bath and change of clothes. He had the most beautiful big brown eyes and curly hair and was just the happiest little chunk despite what he had endured. As quick as he came, he left, but he will never be forgotten.

Our 6th was our deepest love and hardest goodbye. Newborn baby Turtle came to us at 5 days old. He taught us complete selflessness. His mother succumbed to her addictions when he was only 5 months old, but his father refused to give up. At 2 and a half years old he was reunited with his father and is now a happy, healthy, and thriving 5 year old.

Our 7th was just 2 years old when we welcomed him into our home. Not only was he abused and neglected at birth, but he was not being properly cared for by his foster family, so he came to us completely non-verbal, still drinking baby formula, and in desperate need of OT and Speech. By the time he and his baby brother (number 9) went to their adoptive home, he was singing his ABC's, counting to 20, carrying on conversations with full sentences, and even speaking in Spanish!

Number 8 was out of our comfort zone, but she ended up being an amazing reward. Our first teenager! She was only supposed to be respite for a weekend, but ended up spending a year with us! Her fight was strong and her willpower to push us away was even stronger. We argued and bickered, but at the end of the day she wanted me to braid her hair, do her nails, and crawl into my lap for a snuggle. Now that she's 18, I cherish the fact that she still calls me Momma Hopkins and still tells me she loves me.

Number 9 was only 3 days old when we got the call to come pick him up from the hospital, number 7 was his big brother so we had the opportunity to have him placed with us! 17 weeks, Ryan and I loved on this little bundle until he and his brother were ultimately moved to their forever home.

Number 10 was the 17 year old big brother to number 8. He was only with us for a few months before we decided to take a break from doing foster care. He is now a thriving adult well on his way in life!

Ryan and I loved deeply and selflessly for those 4 years. We sacrificed our comfort, our home, many friendships, our time, energy, finances...and at times our own happiness to make sure that each child was provided what they needed. We had to make hard choices that may not have been ideal in other's eyes, but they were best for the child. We had our hearts ripped out everytime we had to say goodbye. Those 4 years nearly destroyed our marriage and weighed heavy on my mental health. But 10 children were positively impacted. 10 children felt love and security. 3 families were successfully pieced back together through hardwork and dedication while we supported them and cheered them on in the process. To me, those benefits outweighed all risks.

We took a couple of years off to recover, to rebuilt the foundation of our marriage, plant roots here in Michigan, and then decided to get back onto this rollercoaster one more time.

Number 11 came to us 5 days after his birth and will have been with us for 1 year on the 12th of this month! Every day we get to watch this little one hit milestones and grow like crazy. His smile brings us so much joy, and the love in our home is heavy. True love is universal, regardless of race. It's as if he grew in my own womb, and I desperately don't ever want to let him go, but I have no rights to him and every week I'm reminded that his birth mother loves him as well. In the end, all he will ever know is that he is loved by so many!

Numbers 12 and 13, sweet sisters, were here and gone so fast. We were optimistic about being their forever home, but we learned through them that not all children are right for all families. Not because they did anything wrong, but because each of us have our own challenges, and if we are smart, we will recognize our weaknesses. This was the case for Ryan and I, that we knew the needs of these two surpassed our abilities as parents and keeping them here would not have been what was best for them. After all, foster care is solely about what is best for the children, despite what we think or feel. It's a hard pill to swallow and a slap to the ego when you come to the realization that no matter how amazing you are as a mother and father, that you aren't capable of providing what is best for a little one. Setting ego aside, we released control and began praying that God bring forth their forever family so that they have the best opportunity to thrive and succeed in life! And 2 weeks ago, God said yes. The girls were placed into their forever home and are doing so well!

Right now our home feels incredibly peaceful. I believe God has us in a resting season. He's asking us to recenter ourselves, practice self care, refocus on our marriage again, repair our foundation in him again, and wait on his timing for what's to come.

Despite the common misconception that foster homes use kids as paychecks while they neglect the children...I guess i can only speak for my home and my childhood home growing up.....that is surely not the case here. We benefit nothing but love and the reward of watching these kids on their healing journeys. The amount of money given to us pays for their basic needs, no one will ever get rich off of foster kids. That narrative is maddening! I've met DOZENS of incredible foster families over these last 6 years and first hand, they are ultimately the most selfless people. They give even when they are absolutely empty. They pour from empty cups and expect nothing in return. They walk around with shattered hearts but still manage to love so deeply. Their tears go unnoticed, their cries go unheard, and they put themselves last as they fight against every demon that attempts to steal away these children. They cover their homes in love and grace and forgiveness, and rarely do they ever give up the fight.

Foster care can be lonely, ugly, and incredibly unfair. The biological children are sometimes the most greatly effected. They are sometimes pushed aside because the needs of the foster child(ren) are so great. The appointments, the meetings, the home visits, the court hearings....it's neverending and taxing on families. But I want you to know that we are not the enemy. We are fighting for the same thing, the best interest of the children. I'll never apologize for being a foster parent. And I'll never let anyone tell me that we aren't damn good at what we do.

[lets-move-mountains]

I can't remember the sound of your voice anymore, but sometimes I can still hear your laugh. I use to stare at your face, trying to memorize every curve and indent because I knew that one day I'd never get to see it again. If I close my eyes and concentrate, sometimes I can imagine you still with me. But it's getting more difficult... You're fading... I miss the way your hair smelled after your bath. The way your skin was so soft and beautifully brown. The way you'd concentrate so hard when I'd clip your nails. And eventually you became obsessed with having your nails clipped, you loved it so much! I can't watch your shows, it hurts too much... Bear, woof woof, bad guys, bawk bawk, trolls, moana....my stomach turns when I see them pop up on Netflix, a wave of heartache hits me in the face and I can't breathe. August last year was our last trip to the UP with you. I'm so thankful that we aren't going back this year... But this will be our first camping trip without you, and everything will be so different Daddy and I always catch ourselves saying... "Mason would have loved this" But I guess he's not your daddy anymore. And I'm not your mommy anymore. And you're not our baby anymore. And I really didn't think I'd live this long without you... And some days I don't want to live without you anymore but I make myself survive because everyone else wants me to. I wish God would have written our story differently. A story without so much pain. Without so much loss. Without so much sadness and grief. And with a lot more joy. I wish we had more to celebrate. I wish I didn't have to try so hard to find the hidden joy inside of all of this madness. I wish he'd give us more peace in place of this pain. I just hope we are carrying all of the pain and that, throughout this first year of life without us, you haven't felt any pain. I'd gladly suffer this for a hundred years if it meant that you'd never have experienced it. Next month will mark one year since we had to say goodbye to you and move on with our lives and let you move on with yours.

[lets-move-mountains]

...but my heart has been broken for so long. And every day I misplace a piece. Eventually, no one will be able to put me back together again...

[lets-move-mountains]

I don't know where this little Chase came from, nor do I know where it went later that day... But I went into work one morning last week, and it was just there. On the Hobart. Just sitting there.. Like his sticker underneath the kitchen rug, this little paw patrol pup was a reminder that, no matter how many months pass by, Mason will always be a part of our life. He will always be my baby 💚 He will always be our little rambunctious turtle 🐢 It's amazing how something so small can spark so much overwhelming emotion. That was a tough day to get through...

[lets-move-mountains]

It's like you're still here, but you're not... I decided to sweep under the rug, and I found a trace of your mischief. It's like you knew I'd need to find this today. I did it, baby boy! I made it through Halloween without you. And I made it through Thanksgiving without you. I'm going to make it through Christmas and New Years without you, too. Because I have to. I wonder if you think if me... Does anything remind you of me? Do you see me in your dreams? Because you are all around me, and You know what's strange? This pain I feel... I love it. I LOVE it. And I embrace it. I'm afraid if I let it go, I'm gonna lose the last little piece of you that I still have. It's funny, this thing no one tells you about... about the relationship that begins with them after they leave. If I can... quiet my head down enough, I can hear him. 💚

[lets-move-mountains]

I dreamt about you last night And I woke up with the sound of your little voice in my head "I watch bear momma" Sometimes I feel like you're gonna be home after church on Sunday and we'd play with your paw patrols and snuggle on the couch with peeci, booshie, and dahshi and watch Kungfu Panda. This house is not a home without you. Instead it's a constant reminder of the pain I've been trying to push aside so I can function like a normal person every day. I'm so sad, but I'm so relieved that I remember you so clearly..... But it's only been 7 weeks. 💚🐢💔

[lets-move-mountains]

I feel like you would have been a boy, Tall and skinny like your daddy. But quick and witty like your mommy. I like to imagine that you'd love superheroes and fast cars and worshipping Jesus. Of course, up there in Heaven, I'm sure you're already a mighty worshipper. Happy 6th birthday in Heaven 💙

[lets-move-mountains]

I'm not sure which is worse.. Intense feeling.....Or the absence of it. Both are destroying me

[lets-move-mountains]

Over the course of the last 7 days I have been trying my best to clear my mind, make big decisions for my life, and continue to dig deep and find myself in the midst of this chaos. I really thought I would have been able to do all that in a week. But here I am. Exactly 7 days later. And my mind is even more clouded and confused than it was when I started. When I close my eyes and try to reign in my thoughts, your voice is so loud that I can't even hear my own. Your words are so much bigger than mine that they get lost and aren't even allowed to come to my lips. I cannot escape for even a day! And it's destroying me.... At first slowly.. But now, so rapidly. I fear that I'll never hear my own thoughts inside of my head again. I'll never be able to realize my true feelings because my heart is so overwhelmed with your feelings that you refuse to keep to yourself. I keep telling you that I'm overwhelmed. I keep telling you that I'm Confused. I keep begging you for peace and space and time... But all I get are more words and empty promises and even more of you in my head. How am I supposed to figure out what I want if I can't even hear my own voice or feel my own heart beat inside of my chest? How can I make any promises when I am this confused about my own reality? You've agitated the waters of my mind so much that I can't see anything. It needs to settle, you need to let it settle, And then I could possibly give you the answers that you are so desperate for.

[lets-move-mountains]

I’ve already established that I’m pretty much not okay. There is more going on in the present that I even know how to process. Fight or flight response is an interesting theory that I’ve read up on a little bit. “Where ‘fight or flight’ floods our system with adrenalin, increasing blood flow to our limbs and making us generally more alert… ‘rest and digest’ slows us down. It prioritizes blood flow to our internal organs, and reduces our heart rate etc. All in the aid of helping us relax and heal.”

Fighting could be noble where as flighting can look and feel awfully cowardly. But when you couple this theory with the second half of the equation, rest and digest,…you are able to feel secure in the decisions you make.

But how in the world do you rest and digest when you’re in the midst of all the chaos?! Well you can’t. Hence the flighting…. For me, fighting did nothing good for my soul. Nothing good for my heart or my mind or my health. Nothing good for my attitude and my peace of mind. And we were going no where. I stopped fighting this neverending battle and actually listened to my body, and I flighted. For the first time in a very long time, I’m allowing my body to rest and digest. Let me tell you, it’s not easy to transition from high alert fighting - to resting and digesting. How can one make huge, important decisions in life when they feel so overwhelmed and constantly dismissed? It’s impossible. Thoughts are madly racing still and I continue to find it too difficult to make decisions without them feeling like impulse. But the calmer I make myself, the more I’m able to allow God in to give me the rest that my dead soul needs.

In Psalm 119:25,  it says, “My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to your Word.” In other versions it uses words like “quicken” and “give me life,” but revive brings such a beautiful word picture.

Revive means making alive, keeping alive, and giving more life.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me right about now.

Revive us Lord, so that BOTH OF US can be full of your life.

[lets-move-mountains]

This is my word. OK How am I? I’m ok But of course I’m not ok I’m completely not ok I’m not a mom anymore I’m not someone’s mommy anymore I never get to join in on the mommy birthing talk, but at least I was a part of the mommy crowd. But now, I’m not momma. And that’s not OK… That’s all I’ve prayed for and it’s the one thing God refuses to bless me with. Either because it’s not in his plan, or I’m doing something wrong that’s preventing me from being blessed, or maybe it’s just bad timing.. I don’t know for sure. But no, right now, I’m not ok.

[lets-move-mountains]

I keep finding myself so freaking angry!!! Sometimes at myself for being so angry in the first place... But Sometimes at God for allowing me to go through all of this pain... And Sometimes at this world for being so cruel... But I just mindlessly hit the home button on my phone, and your innocent sweet little eyes stared deep into my heart and it softenes a little. You'd get so scared when I got mad If I yelled at the dogs for barking you'd scream and hit me for yelling. If daddy and I would argue, you'd run in screaming and pull one of us away to break up the argument. And even now, though you're gone, you make all my anger dissipate, if even for a minute, as I focus on you and I find that peace that I need. You were my comfort when I was sad, my solice when I was upset, and my joy when I was discouraged. How can one so small have such an impact? I don't know... But you surely did, and still do. That's how I know, you will be a mighty young man one day. So now, I'm not sitting here with anger pouring from my scowling face... Instead I'm taking this opportunity to mourn my loss I love you turtle 🐢 💚

[lets-move-mountains]

I just want to run my fingers through your little curls and stroke your chubby little baby cheeks one more time.

I'm afraid I'll forget the way you smell. Or how soft your skin was on my lips when I would kiss you while you slept in my arms. This pain is overwhelming..

[lets-move-mountains]

I'm so sorry that I have to let you go. I'm so sorry I didn't have what it takes to be the mommy you needed. I'm so sorry that I made promises that I couldn't keep. I'm so sorry that I let you down when I sent the boys away because I couldn't give them the patience they required and the attention they deserved. But most of all, I'm so sorry that I can't make you my priority. My heart was already broken, but now it's unrecognizable. You are so strong and you don't even know it. You are so much more than your mother and the life she chose for herself. I wish you could see it... I wish you could see yourself the way that I do. I wish that I could have been enough I wish I could have taken all your distrust away with my love. But what I had left, wasn't nearly enough. I failed you. Just like everyone else before me. I failed the boys.... and now your brother, too. Because I wasn't the right mommy for the job. I didn't have what it takes. I don't have what it takes. And I don't know if I ever will. I don't want to do this anymore because of this overwhelming fear that I'm truly as inadequate as I feel. This journey was supposed to be all about helping kids, empowering parents, and being strong families. But I've now failed as many times and I've succeeded. How do I call that good and then sleep at night. How do I get adorned with adoration when I am sick of my own thoughts of how badly I'm hurting you right now? I'm so sorry, Kaykay. I'm so sorry Please forgive me someday

[lets-move-mountains]

Hello and Goodbye… Part 2 Ohhh… Mr Turtle. My God, son… How you wrecked me. Your beautiful dark skin, bright brown eyes, perfectly curly hair. Weighing at only 5 pounds 12 ounces,you were smaller than Mr Eyebrows! You were perfect in every way. Your smile makes my heart forget about every ounce of pain that it has ever encountered. Your laugh pierces through my sadness and cuts it away like a knife. When you say my name, when you tell me that you love me… Sooooo much… Its like I’ve struck gold, the sound can’t be compared even to the voices of a thousand angels. You’ve truly made me a mother. And I have no idea who I am without you. I’ll never be the same. I’ll never be able to smile the way you make me smile. I’ll never be able to love the way that I’ve loved you. My life will never be the same. My heart will always miss you and break for you, it will never be whole again. How can I live without you? I have no idea. There’s not another baby here to soften the blow of losing you like there was before with the others. Will I ever see you again like I do the others? Will you know who I am? Or will you forget my voice? the way I used to sing to you and you’d always smile the biggest smiles. The way you twist your fingers through my hair sometimes as we were falling asleep. How you’d lean your head into mine and tell me you loved me, resting your perfect little hands on my cheeks. I hope they listen to your breath, and your heart beat, and your requests to sit and play with you, or follow you to where you want to go. I will always wonder, when you wake up in the middle of the night, if they’ll hold you like I did. If they will help you find your paci in the dark. If they’ll wrap your blanket around you just the way you like it. I hope that they’ll be able to understand your language that I’ve come to translate. Never again will I be led to believe the words “This baby will forever be yours.” because twice now I’ve been lied to. I’ve been deceived by the words of DCFS. “You will for sure be adopting this baby” . “There’s no chance he will go home” ….lies. Not that I would have loved you any less, my little turtle… But I wouldn’t have ever convinced myself that I’d be lucky enough to be your mother forever. Or lucky enough to ever be a mother for that matter. I don’t believe it I won’t pretend to believe it I can’t even bring myself to hope for it anymore 2 years you’ve been my son. Longer than any of them. And I’ll spend the rest of my life broken beyond repair, I’ll never let you go baby boy. I’ll never move on. I’ll never forget you.