letters-left-unread

[letters-left-unread]

No more good mornings from you. So I don't want to see the mornings again.

[letters-left-unread]

I miss you. We were thinking about just camping out of a car. But Nikole doesn't want to give up her cats. Fair but I'm really not planning on making it through this year. I've been pretty vocal about it. I'm tired of not feeling connected to anyone. I'm tired of existing. A life without you is so empty.

[letters-left-unread]

Is it cruel to keep holding onto something so blindly

I keep wanting answers I can never receive

Always wondering about dead possibilities

Did I ever know anything about you

Still questioning reality

If you're a ghost I'm hoping that you're haunting me

Selfishly

[letters-left-unread]

I had a dream where you were still alive but you just wanted me out of your life. I don't know what hurts more the fact that you're dead or that you would want me completely removed from you. And I still don't know what is real

[letters-left-unread]

I keep thinking of you. And forgetting. Wondering if any of it was real. But still I have dreams with you in them.

[letters-left-unread]

I had a dream about you and the ocean. A house on a beach with a small boat.

[letters-left-unread]

I keep wondering if you would like this new game or not. What would you think about it all.

The landlord reckons he's going to fix the leaks. Apparently the builders are going to take out the windows in the middle of winter for an unspecified amount of time. They're only doing one side though and they did this before so I doubt it will fix anything...

When I was thinking about how to manage this landlord BS I completely forgot about the cats at first. You would like them. But you always did like cats so nothing shocking there lol.

[letters-left-unread]

I had another dream about you. I miss you.

[letters-left-unread]

I keep thinking about what it would be like in another life.

[letters-left-unread]

I had another dream with you in it. But I suppose none of that matters anymore. I'd tank a thousand nightmares for one dream with you.

[letters-left-unread]

I dreamed about you again. About ideal circumstances in an ideal world. Where things were okay.

[letters-left-unread]

I keep wondering if any of it was real

[letters-left-unread]

Smite,

I was thinking about VR stuff for a minute yesterday. Then I realized there's no point. The only person I wanted to experience it with is dead. Speaking of. I've decided I don't want to live past this year. I stopped putting in any effort into life. I started drinking energy drink every day. Past me would be mortified lol. Even when I was doing my best I wasn't able to take care of everything. That six months I truly thought I could be capable enough to live fully. I truly thought I had figured things out. The realization that those six months are probably me at my best in almost ideal conditions has hit me. And the amount of work it took to be able to get there. It's clear to me now the things that can't be changed. I hate it. I know that things can get better again. I don't care. I still have to live with the things I can't change. I don't want to try when the things that make life worth living are fundamentally unreachable. The cats like me. I think about you every day. Can't help but wonder what your reactions to things would have been. I keep hoping you're a ghost haunting me as selfish as that is. I keep wanting to bind us together for eternity but that's the sort of behavior that was so suffocating to you when you were alive. I hope you're what I see in my last moments.

Yours eternally, Sammiches

[letters-left-unread]

Was any of it real?

I keep thinking about all the mistakes I made and how long it took me to realize

But I keep coming back to asking if any of it was real

There's no tangible trace of you here

Just a well of emotions and unanswered questions

[letters-left-unread]

It's not that I haven't been thinking of you.

I just haven't been doing anything. Haven't been trying to move forward. Don't want to. I want to be done with life too now.

I can't handle being close to people. The fact I blew up at you even though I wanted nothing more than to be close to you proves that. So why should I keep pushing forward. If the one time I felt connected crumbled so easily and was so hard to find. Do I really want to keep trying when even at my best I was so fragile? Selfish as I am, I don't want to bear this pain again. Or the pain of the last 10 years.

I'm tempting my heart to fail. Drinking energy drink every day. Barely moving. Praying I die quickly and with as minimal pain as possible. I figured heart issues could be a good solution for that.

I hope I see you one last time in my final moments at least.

Even now I wonder if you even saw me, If you were real, if anything was real.

If you're a ghost you better haunt me and when I die you better be the first thing I see.

[letters-left-unread]

Sometimes I'm not sure if you were even real

Or if anything is

Yet my heart hurts

And I miss you

Hoping that I get to see you in my final breath

As a memory or a ghost

I am tired of this life and this hope is the only thing I'm holding onto so tightly

Yours eternally

[letters-left-unread]

Sometimes I wonder if I love you. If I even know what love is. One thing I know is I miss you.