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[letters-to-del]

February 6th 2017

So it's been a while since I even thought about this blog, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you. In fact, I think about you pretty frequently! I've just reread all my previous posts and I'll admit I had a bit of a cry. A lot (and I mean a LOT) has changed since I last wrote. I'll try to sum up the big parts for you, since I know that if I try to write everything I'll never stop writing and also, you've been with me every step of the way! - I worked at that pottery place called The Painted Turtle for the whole summer between grades 11 and 12 for a paid co-op for SHSM, and they liked me so much they offered me a part time job for during the school year. I quit in April and worked over the next summer at the theatre, which was a really cool job. When I quit to go to college, they said they'd be happy to have me next summer. - Over the pottery summer I also did a weeklong work camp in the AMC trails with Mag. It was really hard work and we were really sore most of the time but, being the only girls AND the only Canadians we had to show them we were tough. We built bridges and a neat rock turnpike to redirect a stream. - Grade 12 was alright, nothing too special. I really liked my English teacher, and she really liked me too. Her name was Ms. Cox and come to think of it, I think of it, you guys would've gotten along really well. I also had a horrendous teacher who I am pretty sure you would've had a very intense argument with. I talked to an in school counsellor named Robyn a lot and she helped me out with a lot of self harm and depression stuff. - I graduated with a gold medal, which meant I had an average of above 85%. I think you would've been proud of that. I also got an award (which for the life of me I can't remember the name of) which basically meant "you had a really rough go of it, but you kept your grades up and stayed positive!" I wore a pair of your earrings as I walked across the stage. - I got into art college! I go to Sheridan college in Oakville, I'm in a program that's called Advanced Visual & Creative Arts. It's a 3 year program that basically will introduce me to all sorts of materials and methods so I can decide where I want to go at the end of it. Right now I'm torn between special effects makeup / props for movie and tattooing. - Over the summer between grade 12 and college, dad wasn't really around much. He was pretty busy with rotary and gateway and a bunch of other stuff, but that's alright because neither was Tim, Jeremy's dad. Therefore we spent a lot of time together over the summer, which was actually really good for us I think. I don't know if you really met Jeremy but he's my best friend & I love him a lot. I really wish you could know him now. He also goes to Sheridan for media, but he's going to Thunder Bay next year for teachers college. I'm really gonna miss him. - In early August of 2016 Biscuit passed away. Dad accidentally left him in the back of the Subaru on a hot day. It was awful to find him, dad tried to do CPR but he was already gone. It was absolutely horrible. Dad cried a lot and was really really sorry to me, I've only ever seen him cry that much when you passed away. He and I both knew that that could have easily driven a wedge between us because (his words) "he killed my dog" but I didn't want that to happen so although he knew I was upset and deeply hurting I also knew it was an accident and it was not on purpose. I think dad was very thankful that it was not nasty between us afterwards. I really miss him because now there is only Felix and dad here when I come home from college. He is buried next to Beck in the backyard with a stick, some dog food & treats, and a ball. - It feels really weird to not have a dog, I want to get one when I move to an apartment but I know it wouldn't be fair to the dog, so I have to wait for a bit. I get sad and happy at the same time when I see dogs now. - The psychiatrist I saw ended up putting me on some anti-depressants. We went through I think 2 or 3 meds before we ended up on Teva Quetiapine, which I'm still taking now and will probably take for a while. - I figured out that I've had depression since I was about 8 or 9. It got really bad in grade 11 and 12, and one time I almost jumped off a building but I was kind of starving myself at the time so I was too tired to make it up the stairs. Looking back now, I'm really really glad I didn't jump. I still have my ups and downs, but it's safe to say that I am the happiest I have ever been (or at least, remember being). I know this would make you sad to hear but I feel like I wasn't open with you in the past about mental health so I guess now is my chance to tell you everything. - I still self harm sometimes, although not nearly as often as I used to. I was a few months clean before last week's relapse, and even longer before that one. I talk to Jeremy when I get bad like that and he's always able to help me out, especially because we both live in residence so he's never more than a 5 minute walk away. - That girlfriend I had when you were sick actually turned out to be a really bad girlfriend. We dated for about 7 or 8 months before I broke up with her, and it was only after I broke up with her and talked to Wendy about her that I realized she was pretty shitty to me. She was emotionally manipulative and abusive, and cut me off from my friends and guilted me into doing stuff i didn't really want to do. (not sex, don't worry). she would threaten to kill herself if I left her and I was afraid to bring up issues in our relationship for fear she would hurt herself. partly because of her (and mostly because of me) I haven't been in any other relationships- I'm not very good with being touched by people I'm not comfortable with and I get panicky very easily when being romantically pursued, even if the other person means no harm. romantic / dating stuff freaks me out a lot, but sex is easier (not what you want to hear, I know, but it's the truth). I am working on it though, and have gone on one or two dates! - Donald Trump is the president of the states now. I cried when he was elected. So did one of my profs. Every day he seems to commit some atrocity that makes my heart hurt. The day after his inauguration there was a Women's March, which was the largest protest in US history. I think you would've liked that. - I don't like coming home anymore, I don't even call it home. Every bad thing that's happened to me has happened to some degree in the house, so whenever I come back I get sad and angry and it takes me a week of being back at school to be okay again. the feelings that I had when it all was happening just come back when I'm there- depression, self harm, my ex, you being sick and passing, dad's sickness and Biscuit dying... it's just too much to go back to when I am doing so well at Sheridan. I have talked about it with Dad, Jane and Nanny. I think I'm going to spend the summer with Jane and work in Guelph. - Because I'm 18 now I am legally in charge of some of the money I have inherited from you. In class the other day I was reading an economics book and a girl asked why I was reading that kind of book. I explained that I inherited money and now wanted to educate myself on how to handle it. She responded with "you inherited money? that's so cool!" which startled me a little. I would rather have you back in my life than your money and responsibilities. That stung a little bit. - Despite what I had hoped college doesn't seem to have a lot of people who are on the same level as me. Don't get me wrong, my friends are smart and fun but i still feel the same disconnect I felt through grade school, where I wanted to be friends with the profs more than the kids. on the plus side, everyone thinks I am very mature and a lot of my friends were surprised when I told them I was 18, not 23 like they thought. I love you and miss you.

[letters-to-del]

Friday July 2nd 2015

Hi Mum! I just got a job! It's at a pottery painting place downtown on Niagara street. I wore one of your blouses (and bracelets) for good luck! I'm really excited to work there, it seems like a lot of fun! Love you! Jacqueline

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June 3rd 2015

Hey Mum, Just found all your pictures from Spain! I'm going through them all (all 500+, how did you manage to take that many?) once they're copied over. Wish we could've seen them together. Miss you & Love you Jacqueline

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April 23 2015

Hi Mum I read a book called Still Alice. I think before you got sick you would've found it really interesting, but while you were sick you probably wouldn't have wanted to read it. It would've hit too close to home, like 50/50. It's about a woman who's about 50 years old named Alice. She's a really smart psychology professor at Harvard who has 3 kids and a husband. Alive gets diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease. The rest of the plot isn't very important, but it just helped me realize some stuff about memory. While you were getting sicker, sometimes you had problems with remembering things and talking, linking stuff. I could tell it was frustrating to you, but I didn't really ever ask you what was going on inside your head in case it would make you sad. In the book, Alice goes into a lot of detail about the same kinds of stuff. It helped me realize that that might've been what was happening with you. I really liked the book, but it was probably the saddest book. I cried a lot while reading it. I cried because of what was happening with Alice, but also because of you. Alice forgot the names of her children and who her husband was. It was really really sad. I know sometimes you had problems like that and I was always afraid you'd forget who I was. Your last words to me were "Hi Jacqueline." It makes me happy sometimes that you still recognized me and knew who I was. I was always afraid that someday you wouldn't. I miss you so much it hurts. Love you Jacqueline

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April 22 2015

Hey mum I haven't written to you in a really long time. I'm sad without you, but its starting to hurt less. Dad went through treatment for the cancer I didn't know he had, alls well. He's still active as ever. He broke & dislocated his elbow but that's all healed now. Syd crashed her car into her garage door. She's going to Brock for psychology next year, so I won't lose her to some far away university. I've told another teacher about the self harm stuff. I'm starting to open up more, little by little. It's tough. My classes are hard and school isn't fun any more, I only go because 1. art class 2. friends 3. teachers 4. I have to, legally. I dunno what I'm going to to after graduation. I went to Hawaii and it was really fun, I'll post some pictures later. Love you

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Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day mom I love you and miss you so so very much. Today we went to the symphony with Maurice and Marilyn and it was good. Love you lots, Jacqueline

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Monday, May 5th 2014 Hi Mom, This past weekend was the Ryan girls 16th birthday, so I went up to Guelph and stayed overnight while Dad was on a kayaking teaching course. All the girls except for Emma, a girl named Zoë and Kathy and Jane and I went for a walk on Starskys (Starkeys?) loop and we saw the first of the springs flowers and I wanted to show you. We also saw a little garter snake! It was good even though I had a headache for the whole weekend. My grades for all my classes are; English - 90, Art - 83, Comtech - 82, French - 85. I think I'm doing alright with school this semester. I'm not seeing that girl anymore, but that's okay. I miss you and I'll try to show you the spring more often. Love Jacqueline

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April 25th

Hi Mum, Happy (belated) birthday! You would've been 52 yesterday. I miss you. Dad and I had Greek food to commemorate your birthday but it just made me sad because I remembered last time you and I were eating Greek food. It was a little sad last time. I bought a couch-bed that is black for under my bed, so it folds out into a bed. I might put a TV in my closet, but Dad isn't sold on the idea. I am sad without you. Nanny bought me a cute Easter dress, it's black with some coloured flowers. I went to Kathy's for Easter and saw Jane and the girls for a few days. I love you. I'm going to see a psychiatrist soon so that's good. I'm going to try to write to you every Saturday or Sunday so that it is more consistent. Love Jacqueline

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April 13th 2014

miss you lots. been almost a month since I last wrote. I love you. Love Jacqueline

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March 17, 2014

Hi Mom. Dad and I went to Thunder Bay, and Bruce's play RED was phenominal. it was about Mark Rothko, and it only had 2 actors (Rothko and his assistant). We went to some great restaurants, including one that I think could've been your favourite. It was called Mongo's Grill, and it was a Mongolian place where you made your own stirfry. You picked your own noodles, meats, vegetables, and sauces. It was very cool. I'm watching Madmen and thinking of you. Love you.

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Hey Mom, just wanted to show you this painting I did. :) love you lots and miss you. Jacqueline

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March 4 2014

Hey Mom, Dads treatment is starting to affect (effect?) him now, with loss of appetite and general "feeling like crap". He had a severe allergic reaction to the infusions, so next month he will see what other forms of chemo he can do. Wishing you were here. 12 Years a Slave won the oscar for best picture, and it deserved it to the fullest extent. I am doing excellent in English, with marks of 90, 100x3 and 99.5. French is all around good, still struggling with the grammar though, but I go in for extra help with my teacher almost every morning. Art is enjoyable, and comtech is awkward because I only have one friend but otherwise school is alright. 6 months is coming up in 2 days for me and my girlfriend. I would've told you in 2 days. I made some friends in ski club. Miss you lots Jacqueline

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Feb 17, 2014

Hey Mom. I was cleaning my room and found an old notebook from out Vancouver paddling trip and stumbled upon what I think will become my first tattoo. We were playing hangman during some point in our trip, and you played "we are off for a unique adventure". I think that once I'm old enough, I'll go get that tattooed in your handwriting on my ribs on my left hand side, not very big. To keep you with me and close to my heart at all times. Love Jacqueline

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Feb 17 2014

Hey Mom, I miss you. Dads treatment starts on the 28th of Feb and continues for 5 months. Harriet had her sweet 16 yesterday and it was a lot of fun. I wish you were still here. Love you lots. Love Jacqueline

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Jan 8th

Hey Mom, Dad and I are watching this new movie called Captain Phillips, and I just wanted to tell you about it. This American sea captain (played by Tom Hanks) of a huge boat is transporting a ton of cargo along the Somalian coast when some Somalian pirates come aboard the ship. We haven’t finished it yet but I thought you’d like this movie as it’s very interesting (and that’s coming from me!) It’s based off a true story and it’s nominated for an Oscar or two. Tomorrow is 3 months clean for me, which I am proud of considering that I have stayed clean even since your passing. I think dad is proud too. I hope you are. 
Love you lots
Jacqueline

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Feb 5th, 2014

Hey Mom, sorry I haven’t talked in a while. So far second semester is going well, I have English, Art, ComTech (like video stuff) and French. French is a bit stressful because I still don’t have a clue what’s going in in grammar, but I’m going in for extra help so that’s good. Wendy thinks I should see a psychiatrist. Going to see her tomorrow. A biscuit sleeps on the downstairs bed now and whenever I am sad I sleep there with him. I just really really miss you. We (Nanny, Kay, Jane and I) went through the closet in your room and picked out some clothes. Jane kept some, as did I. Some is going to donation places and some of the professional stuff is going to a special donation place for women looking to get back into the workforce. I think you would’ve agreed with those decisions. Love you lots, Jacqueline

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Jan 22 2014

Dear Mom, I've noticed some little things that have changed since you left: I don't see your friends, like Linda, Jane or Lizzie as much, Book Club isn't ever at our house, there isn't cream in the fridge. Just little things.