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[letterstoponyo]

12/05/23

Dear Ponyo,

I know, I haven’t written anything in months now. Your dad and I made really great progress in accepting our loss. We’re a family of seven now — with four baby cats and a fat cat ghost wandering around pranking the others. It’s very healing to think of it this way, that death never actually parts us. It just creates an invisible plane of reality and transfers your loved one there, but the connection between you, me and dad, and your siblings were never and will never ever be severed.

Bambi got really fat and she’s 4kg in weight now. Milo is too but her long body type doesn’t make her look fat. Bambi is like a whole watermelon, and she likes it. Your dad likes to defends her by telling me it’s because the twins never finish their food so Bambi always has to step up to avoid food waste. But that’s a load of c, Bambi is really just a hungry little round fella who would trade your dad for a box of wet food and a dead bird.

The twins have warmed up to us quite nicely. Ponpon is significantly bigger than Yoshi, who prefers eating the higher end type of dry and wet food. She’s becoming like you, always thinking we’re rich and eating almost exclusively dry food. Someday we’re getting them both spayed so Yoshi would gain a little volume. Or maybe not a little.

Two weeks ago we brought all four of them to the vet and Bambi and the twins were well-behaved throughout the ordeal. Milo on the other hand… let’s just say it took 4 people to get hear ears cleaned. We’re going back on the 10th for a second dose of vaccines.

I’ll attach some photos here that I think you’ll enjoy.

[letterstoponyo]

09/07/2023

Dear Ponyo,

Hey. So my sem started last Monday. I’ve been chasing around profs to I could maybe get a chance to be in their class because I’m still underload. I’m confirming my slot in my ENSC 11 course tomorrow which should be a breeze because I come at the referral of another prof of the same course. I’m just kinda nervous in case the new prof changes his mind or doesn’t honor the referral of my previous prof. Good news though, my new prof isn’t the prof I had last semester. I do wish he doesn’t pace the class too quickly so I don’t burn myself out.

Dad’s playing games with a friend. So he isn’t talking to me right now. I like it when your dad has other stuff going on, I get to think to myself and do my own thing. Me times have always been important to me.

09/12/23

Dear Ponyo,

Hi baby. Sorry I wasn’t able to finish the draft above in the same day. There was so much going on and I didn’t know what to put first so I just took a nap and when I woke up life took over. Someone I know online had just put their pet cat down and was cremated at the same place you got cremated in. Do you happen to see her there? Maybe try to make friends since she’s new and probably doesn’t know her way yet. Be good to her, which I know you will be. Her dad and your dad are org mates so you can talk about that if you like.

Her death hit way too close to home. Now all I have in mind is how much I miss you and how final your death really is. We may never see you again and I don’t know how to live with that. The world was always wonderful with you, or a version of you in our heads, in it. I don’t know what to do whenever that thin glass separating reality and recollection shatters. It’s almost as if I’d rather live fooling myself that your death isn’t ultimate and someday, somehow, you’ll find your way back to us. That maybe you’re just off vacationing someplace. In your case I prefer imagination over fact. You’re never gone, you’ll come back because of all places that deserve you, you belong to us most.

I miss you Ponyo. Some days dad and I are okay. Days like today, a tear or two would roll down our cheeks. Every day we love and miss you still. Every day there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to bring you back.

There with you always,

Mom and Dad

[letterstoponyo]

09/04/23

dear ponyo,

hi baby. i’m in my dorm room right now and for the next days ahead. missing your dad and sisters big time, but this is something i have to do at this stage of life.

i don’t really have a lot to say today. the bus ride was okay and the enlistment process is overwhelming. i’ve yet to secure another class tomorrow so i wouldn’t underload this semester.

something cute i noticed about myself today though. i have abandonment issues from when i was a kid which i won’t go into detail. a past partner would always use that to hurt me, cutting communication forms abruptly to make me panic and break down. i suffered years of them doing that to me. but today, after months on proper medication and your dad’s patience, i found out i’m not scared of being slept on in the nights anymore. because i know your dad would always be there when i wake up. your dad stopping his responses at night only means he fell asleep, not that he is purposefully ignoring me in my worried state to punish me.

i’m grateful i have dad. and i’m grateful that of all cats and people, i got to have you with him.

i love you ponyo. dad and i, always.

[letterstoponyo]

08/30/23

dear ponyo,

i’m sorry i haven’t been writing to you. i have not been in the proper headspace to articulate my thoughts. all i kept doing was tuning out everything in my head, even the good stuff. i’m not okay, and i don’t know how to tell people that i’m not. i’m about to start a semester with a lot of classes to take on and i have the faintest idea if i could pull any of it off. i’m sorry if this isn’t a letter updating you of what changes our home underwent recently, i just really need to get it out in the open that i’m in a terrible place mentally and i want to tell people about it without dragging them down with me.

i miss you ponyo. i always do. my belief in a lot of things is always tested by the odds i’m dealt with but i never not believe that you’re still out there, someplace fun and painless. and that you pay us a visit when most warranted.

i know you still visit us. and i know you’re here right now. earlier tonight i told your dad that i cannot wait for ponpon and yoshi to grow a little bigger so they’d be able to climb up the shelf you used to sleep at, right beside the lamp. and before i even finished the second paragraph of this letter i found yoshi walking back and forth that shelf. they weren’t able to do that before tonight and i know that was no coincidence. that was you, and it was such a warm moment. how do you make us feel loved even from a place unseen? i needed that. i vehemently, desperately needed that. i know you taught yoshi how to climb the shelf. i know you wanted to alleviate what i was carrying in my chest and head even just slightly, in your own little ways. you didn’t just do slightly, you did the whole nine yards and more lengths after that. i love you ponyo. you’re a hero. i don’t know what good i did in life to have ever deserved to be your parent in the 9 months you were alive. i’m still your mom and your dad is still your dad beyond death’s schedule. our bond cannot be severed by even the sharpest of the grim reaper’s blades. you’re ours and always will be.

you’re gone two weeks now. no it doesn’t get easier. but the little gifts you leave through the whole of our home help remind us that death isn’t like a period that ends a sentence, but a comma that pauses but allows you to carry on still.

yours always,

mom and dad

[letterstoponyo]

08/24/23

dear ponyo,

huh, guess that’s just gonna be the norm — i write to you in the wee hours of the day when dad is asleep and my mind is in shambles.

anyhow, hi baby. mom here. dad and i finally went to the doctor to get his condition seen. it’s my first in a long time to be in uptc because medical city moved from the regicenter to uptc. no worries because all is well and dad is very much on his way to recovery. bambi started playing again, which is nice because she hasn’t been able to do that while recovering from the surgery. we finished a nice series again, it’s called derek and was written by ricky garvais. he’s a funny guy, i hope you’d seen more of his shows while you were here. also a shocker today: i made dad choose between a new movie and lotr, and he said he wanted a new movie! had to open the weather app to see if hell has frozen over.

how are you? are you still fat? do you play more now? i really wish you could tell us how you’re doing. i think it would do dad good, he hasn’t been okay mentally and physical since you left. neither do i but i have to be strong for dad. i have slip-ups though. sometimes i get frustrated that it seems like i can’t help dad enough that he’s nursed back to health. then again, patience is everything. i gave you too much space thinking you just wanted alone time that i didn’t notice death was knocking on your door already. i don’t want that to happen to dad, or any of your sisters for that matter. so i don’t leave them to themselves as much as possible. i wanna see them most of the time so i’m on top of everything. so i’d always be there to save anyone.

i’m sorry i wasn’t around when you went. i thought you had more time. do cats forgive? i hope you do. because there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t think of a way or another to have saved you and agonize that i didn’t. i miss you, a lot. i miss you so much that i’m too sad to think of creative ways i could describe the longing. i just… miss you. so. much. never have i wanted the impossible this much until now. i wish i could turn back time and save you. i’d give anything to have you back.

um. dad got you girls flower pillows. i wore one on you soon as we opened the parcel. milo didn’t like it on her but bambi lived with it. when they saw each other wearing pillows, they couldn’t tell who the other cat was. dad and i found it funny for a while until bambi was visibly stressed so we took off milo’s.

today’s the last day your sisters are gonna take antibiotics. bambi’s healing so fast it almost as if she could do it on her own from now on. but we won’t do that of course. i’m attaching a photo of bambi using her flower and i’ll be off to bed. you should too.

never forgetting,

mom and dad

[letterstoponyo]

08/23/23

dear ponyo,

hi baby. it’s two in the morning and i’m still being kept up by my thoughts. i don’t exactly know what thought is keeping me up but one of them is. there’s a lot going on in my head that i would rather just not mind them at all. well, except for one, that i still miss you beyond words.

i’m getting sepanx (that’s short for separation anxiety) from realizing i’m going back to elbi in less than a week. i’m gonna be leaving dad alone here with the girls and for some reason that sets the waterworks for me. it’s just not the same without you anymore. it’s like dad lost a bodyguard. it’s like i’m one child short of a complete family. don’t get me wrong please, i love your sisters so much and i will never neglect them because i’m grieving and still not over your death. but your absence will never be filled by any other cat we take in from here on out. i’m sure the next cat - if we ever get another - will be lovely but there always will be the nagging thought that the next cat isn’t the one we lost. they’re not you. no one will ever be you. we will never find another like you in any corner of the earth, no matter how similar in color, traits and suchlike they are to you.

i miss you so much, ponyo. i keep referring to you as “baby” because saying your name still hurts. it’s such a beautiful name made even more beautiful by a creature god went the extra lengths to bring to life. i still look for you in places you frequented. i still perk up when i see things you would have liked. you still summon a smile on my face when i remember a nice memory of you. i miss you with an even stronger force than a boulder barreling down a hill.

tomorrow i need to clean the room you stayed in before you died. it won’t be easy, i’ll see a cat-less bed, a table and clothesline with no cat beneath, shelves devoid of a crawling cat… generally just a room without my best girl.

i wish they had a phone in there for us here to call when we miss you. i doubt you’d even talk through the receiver, you only ever talked when you were hungry and i know for a fact you’re having the time of your life there food-wise. i’d take it still though — there’s content in knowing you’re at the other end of the line.

i’m starting to see zzzs. i’m off to dreamland. you should be there by now. if not, why aren’t you grounded yet? go to sleep if you’re not already.

love you even with one eye asleep,

mom

showing you updated pics of bambi and milo (bambi still has a cone)

[letterstoponyo]

08/20/23

dear ponyo,

hi baby. i’m currently waiting for dad outside of watsons, he’s getting syringes for bambi and milo because we’ve lost every other 1ml syringe we had. milo is still very resistant of the medication, dad and i are like a swat team whenever milo has to drink it again. good thing they don’t make you drink nasty-tasting antibiotics there, do they?

dad and i went grocery shopping, our food and your sisters’ are running out. we bought A LOT of food. we also bought clothes for bambi and milo so they wouldn’t be able to lick their wounds since that makes the infection worse. i’ll show you photos when we get them to wear it.

08/21/23

hi baby, i’m sorry i wasn’t able to finish writing yesterday. dad and i got home and had to reorganize the fridge and take care of bambi and milo. milo’s incision is fully healed and we don’t worry about her as much now. bambi still has a long way to go but dad and i are patient and will be until she fully recovers.

you arrived back home today, baby. your dad cried again because it made him realize how permanent your absence really is. they did a nice job with you while you were there. your ashes were in a bamboo urn and your paw prints were spot on. we also got a bit of your hair and all your teefs. they were so cute. but of course they were cuter when you still had them on :)

dad still isn’t okay, neither am i but he’s taking this far badly than i am. his fever is recurring and tomorrow we’re gonna be at the doctor’s to have him checked. pray with me that it isn’t anything serious ok? my semester starts soon so i want dad to get well as soon as possible because i can’t leave for elbi knowing he hasn’t recuperated yet. please watch over your dad, always. i wouldn’t always be able to look after him when the sem starts. you see him all the time so let him know you love him as often as you can ok? your love and mine grant him immunity from all diseases and illnesses, so let’s keep them coming.

i made dad lemonade tonight. and made him eat some oranges to help with his recovery. oranges have a lot of nutrients in them so if you get the chance to have some, don’t hesitate to eat some too ok? don’t just always eat junk food. i gave dad a sponge bath too which brought down his temperature lower by .5 degree. i hope his fever goes away for good now, i’m super worried about him.

i’m gonna stop writing here, i need to give your sisters antibiotics. they’re on cefalexin for 3 more days after today. we just bought another bottle when we went to the drugstore earlier tonight. bambi still wears a cone.

i’ll attach a photo of your setup here. :) and a photo of bambi eating a lot after i took off her cone of shame.

love always,

mom and dad

[letterstoponyo]

08/19/23

dear ponyo,

hi baby. this morning we finished a great series on apple tv. the ending didn’t make us sad like ted lasso did. then in the afternoon dad and i went to the clinic to get our second doses. it wasn’t any less painful than the first but i pulled through. after which we took your sisters to the vet to get their stitches removed. bambi was nervous the entire trip back and forth, milo was too but less so. their incisions were infected but nothing too dangerous, we were told after-care measures which were a breeze to do. i hope bambi’s wound finally dries up. they also got their ears cleaned by the nice vet there, you’ve met her right? she cleaned your ears before.

dad and i are rewatching after life, this time on the big screen. you loved our big tv, didn’t you? yeah we do too. and we miss you constantly marveling at its immensity. we ate burgers and smoked bacon the entire day today and we loved it. we can’t have chicken and fish yet until 24 hours after our shots so we’re making do.

dad isn’t feeling well, and honestly i’m in low spirits too. he fell asleep a while ago and i haven’t taken my meds so it’s far-fetched i could fall asleep anytime soon. bambi is sleeping in the bed with us with a cone around her neck because she keeps licking her belly. the vet strictly prohibited her from doing that because it worsens her infection. she walks funny with the e-collar on which gave us quite the laugh.

hope dad gets well soon. it’s a long weekend so i’m looking forward to a movie marathon.

think this is gonna be all for today. i’m gonna attach some pics i took of bambi in the car to the vet. i hope you’re okay there. take care of yourself always, and make friends. be kind ok? try not to take someone else’s food.

missing you still,

mom and dad

[letterstoponyo]

08/18/23

dear ponyo,

dad and i were just talking about how much we miss seeing your silhouette beside the soundbar every night before bed. two days you’re gone, my love, and i doubt it’s going to get easier as that count goes up.

anyway, i don’t want to well up your eyes if you ever get to read this, which i know you would, because you’d always been a nosy, nosy girl. it feels weird to talk about you in the past tense, but we know acceptance has to start somewhere… baby, if we ever overlooked anything, or if it ever felt like we weren’t urgent enough about your health, please forgive us. dad and i didn’t know what to do; we gave it the best we could within our means and i hope to god if he is ever real that you find it in your heart to let us love you still and more from where we are to where you are. we revel in the thought that you may no longer be with us, but you’re in a paradise where pain is as good as a myth and neck rubs are given by the second.

i’m sorry. i know i said i wouldn’t want to give you the blues writing this, but you gave us one too many great memories that it’s next to impossible not to at least shed a tear realizing there wouldn’t be additions to what you left anymore.

i just went to the bathroom. didn’t want dad to hear me crying again, if he sees me crying he’s going to burst into tears too. sorry, baby, dad and i are gonna try to be less sad. i’ll try to remember that when i found out i got a failing grade and was devastated, you were behind me with that empathetic eyes you always had — i knew you were sad for me too. dad and i don’t want you to be sad, not when you were here, and especially not now that you’re there and we can’t physically comfort you.

your sisters miss you, baby. bambi more so, you know you’re her baby. she misses being a big sister to you and sleeps in places you last slept on. they’re taking antibiotics too just like you did. and just like you they put up a hell of a fight before drinking the entire thing. we discovered vanilla flavored vitamins, which came in gel form. milo and bambi love it so much, we think they would trade us for a tube of it. we also got ahold of these breath mints, something we got to remedy milo’s insane mouth hygiene. i’m sorry baby but i think you would have benefited a way or two from that pack. hehe. i wish you lived for a little bit more to have tasted them. you would have shouted at dad for so long that he would have had no other choice but to give you more, you fat, fat girl.

milo’s appetite is through the roof. we think in a few months she’d be even larger than you were. bambi too. you should have seen it, baby, they could finish up two strips of lickables. we thought only you could do that! quick side note, milo just fell from the ottoman. your sister is so clumsy we don’t know what to do with her. when you visit us, could you catch her when she falls please? my brother in christ she’s fallen so many times we’re beginning to think she has elastic bones in there.

i had to pause writing, bambi just climbed up the bed and lay beside us. it’s been long since she last did this, did you tell her to do it? you sneaky baby. but thank you, we needed this so much.

tomorrow dad and i are getting our shots at the animal bite clinic. you left me quite the gift baby. i’m actually thinking of getting my bite marks tattooed — you know, something of yours to always be with me everywhere i go (even if it was incredibly painful to have sustained).

milo joined in and she’s grooming bambi at the moment. i may have to stop here to tend to them. i’ll try to write as often as i could. my semester starts in a little over a week so mom’s gonna be a busy bee again. we went from sais to amis, btw (yay!). enlistment is a little more convenient now so i got 19 units :) which is a ton of workload so idk why i’m even glad. hope i make it through the sem. you, bambi, and milo are my screensaver, so the “inspiration” part is well taken care of.

i’ll talk to you tomorrow. do me and dad a favor and catch lots of zzzs, ok? we miss you, baby, so bad. and we love you so, very much. good night all the way to cat heaven.

loving you even more,

mom and dad.