leviathanlog

[leviathanlog]

#15

Shit's fucked up.

So life didn't really resume on Monday, it didn't resume at all. They didn't contact me again, I got ignored on all fronts by the company I was applying for, whatever. I hate this because, just as I didn't update here because of my lack of results, the same is true with people. What I mean is, I don't feel like catching up with people I care about because there's not much I feel comfortable telling them about myself. My hobbies are not something I like to share, I don't have any beans to spill since not much happens to me on a regular basis, and there's no news! I can only tell others how miserable I get to feel and honestly I've done a lot of that over the years and it gets repetitive. On that same note, I've felt distanced from my friends, I don't talk about myself any more, I don't want to tell them about myself because everything's a downer. It makes me feel a bit lonely.

Apathy has struck once again. I hinted at this last update, but I have this thing that makes it so whenever I am under a lot of stress and stuff like that, my response is to stop caring and feeling. It sounds edgy when written down like that, ouch. But it's true! And it's the worst! Days pass without me realizing, the things I love to do feel dull and uninteresting, and the only thing I can find myself doing is unfulfilling yet gratifying content consumption that amounts to nothing and makes me feel bad at the end of the day.

The simplest way to combat apathy has always been self-harm, and I don't necessarily mean actual bodily harm, although that has happened in the past. I mean more like right now, staying up late when emotions get heightened and pondering thoughts that I know will hurt. I like the hurt, in a way, it makes you feel stuff as I mentioned. But one can't live like this, it's not sustainable. And it's also really counterproductive since I end up going back to old issues that, while good at making me feel stuff, end up being worse than the alternative.

The hard way to combat apathy involves going out and doing stuff. That, however, requires money. I don't have any money. But here is where the real news come in, since I got another job offer handed to me. I suppose I'm going to do the whole thing over again and try my luck. This job is even better than the last one I was applying to. I just hope things turn out my way. I need this. Pretty please.

[leviathanlog]

#14

Nine days already? It felt like less time has passed... No worries though, I come with good news. I did most (if not all, I think?) small things I mentioned, and got a job interview out of it today, which I think turned out well! That would certainly solve a lot of my current issues. I also started a sketch a couple days ago, it was not much, but it was something I guess. The only thing left of what I mentioned was the catching up part, I'm really procastinating that one, it won't feel good, with it being hypocritical and all. I just have to figure out a way to do it, maybe do it tonight before sleeping let my tomorrow self deal with it, that always works, no big deal.

So what now? I guess I am stuck in a game of waiting at the moment. Life resumes on Monday, so uh, I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. Maybe possibly perhaps continue with that sketch I mentioned, that would certainly give me a boost if I finished it.

Kinda missing being in shambles a bit, it makes for a much better passtime and subject to write about. It's weird when that happens, right? I often romanticize the bad times I went through, after all they were full of feeling, and apathy is the worst when it hits. I will think about this.

For the time being, things are looking up, so even if I don't have that good of a closing remark, maybe I will later.

[leviathanlog]

#13

Been dreading having to write this. It's been almost a month since I've last updated this not because of a lack of things to update on, but because I've been consistently forgetting to. So, where do I begin? I have been working on a project for these last two weeks or so and I just got finished yesterday, it's been fun and such but now I am not really sure what to do next. It's not like there's nothing for me to do, just that I really can't decide. I thought about getting a break but I know myself and that would quickly transform into me being idle for a couple weeks and being sad about it. Maybe I should make a list about it, that could help.

So first I could get over many small things, sending emails and texts and investigating things. Those I always put off until the last possible moment, if I even end up doing them.

Other than that I could start drawing again, it's been a long time so I'm not used to the commitment required for sitting down and doing that for a couple hours, but I suppose it just requires training my brain.

In general I've been feeling that I have a lot of aspirations and it's hard just picking one to focus on, because I know for sure there isn't enough time to achieve them all... But I just want to do all of them! Yeah sure some are more interesting to me than others but they're still all things I like. It's fucked up.

Also fucked up is the amount of people I have to catch up with. What I mean by this is that I don't have that many friends to physically hang out with so it would be appropiate to try and get some. It's fucked up because I don't really know how to approach them. Some I've left hanging, as hypocritical as that sounds, and some I just haven't talked to in years and that's scary to me.

I don't really have a closing statement for this so I'll just see if I can get any of the above done or even just started and whatever I follow through with I'll elaborate on. G'night

[leviathanlog]

#12

Alright, I wasn't expecting to have anything to say tonight, but this morning I was checking my calendar to see if any birthdays were coming up... And... Umm, today is the five year anniversary of... Them breaking up... With me...

Listen listen listen, hear me, I AM NOT hung up, I swear it on my life, I swear it. I hate having to bring it up once again as if it hasn't been the main topic of these logs for the past 5 entries or so, I know. But this is different, I promise.

I like to commemorate this date, yes, but not because I am still hurt or whatever. Well sure, I am, but it's not because of that! If you too look at your calendar, you might notice that it's no mere 13th day of September, it's Friday the 13th. And if you checked when I first mentioned, you might have noticed what day was it 5 years ago... Also Friday the 13th!

DO YOU REALIZE HOW DRAMATIC THIS IS FOR ME?!

Not like, in a sad way, I mean story-wise. I get to be mysterious and tragic about this while not actually telling anyone why is it an important date, it's a bit of a noodle incident in that way, and completely justified too. I mean, no one would bat an eye if I exclaimed "Wretched date!" while clenching my fist dramatically, because it is indeed a pretty fucked up day, isn't it? This kind of thing is why I love magic realism so much, it's all around us! Did you know? My grandparents got married on a Tuesday, September 13! Where I'm from, Tuesday the 13th is also cursed, by the way.

See? I told you I wasn't wallowing in misery and nostalgia. I was actually doing the very healthy strategy of re-associating bad stuff with good stuff, amazing stuff even.

Anyway, even if I wasn't actually revisiting the same issue once again, I'd prefer not to have this come up again on here, lest this becomes some kind of silly diary and not a helpful and proffesional log! I'm already ashamed of bothering my friends with this topic countless times, I wouldn't want to also be embarrassed of bringing it up in the one place that only I read and where no one else knows who I am, wouldn't that be silly...

For now, I think I want to pull an all-nighter out of inspiration and see what comes up or how far do I actually make it. We'll see how good I do tomorrow!

[leviathanlog]

#11

Once again I've forgotten to, well, say anything here really. Best I can share right now is that it was the third time this year that I had gotten one of my gums swollen. It seems like another attempt from my wisdom teeth to take down my jaw, and possibly my life. To be fair, I had been warned by a periodontist (I think?) that I would have to take them off eventually, but I had ignored their advice in hopes that I'd be fine. I really didn't want to take them off, it seemed like a really painful procedure, but at this point I get less pain in the long term instead of having to suffer through this every couple months, so I got unusually brave and went to my dentist to confirm that their time had come, and the time had come indeed. Not much more to say on the matter, but I jokingly promised my best friend that I would give them my teeth when we meet again, so there's that too.

On what I wrote last time, I'm so far sticking to what I said about hate and all that. I made it sound more dramatic than it really is to me, but in truth that's just the most effective way I've found to deal with people drifting away, otherwise I tend to dwell a lot in feelings of self-hatred and an unhealthy desire for love from people that simply do not care about me anymore. I don't know how healthy that is, but it's what works for me currently so I'm gonna keep applying it for as long as it helps. Short update, but as usual, nothing really happens to me these days, and I'd rather not write about things I plan to do in case I don't accomplish them as soon as I expected only to then get embareassed about that fact.

[leviathanlog]

#10

I'm going to preface this by saying: Wow, sorry. I knew I wanted to drop the daily updates, but I absolutely did not intend to be late by a week and a half. At first I wasn't writing out of embarrasment, because I didn't get things done, but after that it was just laziness. So let's begin the recap then: It took me a couple of days, but I pulled myself together, and actually started looking for jobs, and I feel pretty close to getting one! However that was not actually the topic that has been poisoning my mind the most. I'll try to make it quick and painless for me: I found myself having feelings for them again. It's embarrasing to admit, but it was true. I was on a group thing with them being there again, and at some point I think they implied that they got a partner? I never got confirmation, I wasn't going to ask, but I didn't need to. Out of nowhere, from a part of my heart I didn't even know existed, I felt something. Anguish, dread, anxiety; I'm not sure what it was, but it didn't feel like an emotion of mine. It felt like a bestial and childish part of my brain had awoken from its slumber and was going nuts over these news. I was taken aback, because I didn't know in that instant where did that come from, but when I rationalized it later, after the group thing ended, I developed a new strategy. I decided that I would split my understanding of myself into three facets: Instinct, the one from which all unfiltered emotions, impulses and desires came from, the animalistic side I described earlier. Judgement, the part of me that processed all those emotions into coherent thoughts, and would often chastize itself for having them, this side was the one in charge of making sense of what I felt. And finally, Carapace, who would be at the controls, making sure to understand my needs and wants and seeing them accomplished to the best of its ability. It would also be responsible for protecting the other two from being hurt by others, which would often require lying and avoiding being vulnerable.

Now I know that I described them negatively, but that's a bit of the point, the idea was to see these as different people instead of myself, because while I tend to be very self-deprecating, I would never consciously try to make someone I care about feel bad, or ignore them when they are in pain. And so far, it has mostly worked out for me.

Now, going back to those feelings for the person that I was once in love with, who I thought I was over. I felt pretty bad for the following days, including tonight. It didn't help that there was another group thing where I had to see them again. It was funny actually, we were playing a trivia game, and the competition for first place was between me and them. Now, I am a competitive person, and I often like to play up my feelings for comedic effect. So I told them that they were now my nemesis and that they would rue the day they crossed me (I lost at the trivia game). This will be relevant later.

From that day to tonight, I've been going back and forth between having panic attacks over why was I being so irrationally hurt by them being able to find love, and reaching life changing conclusions that let me be at peace with myself (they weren't that much life changing turns out).

So what changed? I was thinking about it, really hard, really fucking hard. None of my friends were available for venting, but I didn't know if I actually wanted to tell them about these feelings. As I stated before, it felt embarrasing going back on what I thought was the wrap-up of my feelings for this person. I also knew that I didn't want any solutions, because there weren't any, I can't do nothing about their life now, we're not even friends. "Wait... I don't even consider them my friend anymore! Why the hell am I feeling love just because they got together with someone? I don't even like them!"

And then it hit me, this feeling that I've been calling "an evil version of love" in my mind, wasn't love at all. I realized that I HATE them.

And why wouldn't I? They got to blindside me with a breakup that I didn't even get time to process before they continued talking to me as if nothing had happened. Then they dropped me when I was at a very low point because I was being too needy? I suppose. After that they just gradually stopped talking to me, months passed where if I wasn't the one to start the conversation, then there wouldn't be any. I tried talking to them more and more, maybe that would rekindle our friendship. But nothing. They just don't care. They didn't even bother telling me. And the worst part is that I now found myself unable to enjoy a lot of things because they reminded me of them. Even love. Love reminded me of them, and I was unable to feel it for anyone else, as much as I wanted to. Why do they get to move on while I'm still stuck in this same awful horrible painful place? It's not fair.

Now, I know this sounds like a very one sided story where I'm omitting a lot of facts that would make the other party seem a lot more reasonable. I am partly doing that. This is very hyperbolic, and they are not a bad person. But friends drifting away is an issue that has come up way too often for me in the last couple of years, and I'm very sensitive about it. And if I got to be spiteful towards the other people who ignored me, then why couldn't it be the same for my ex? Turns out I can. Turns out it feels great.

I don't want to create unnecessary conflict. I will never tell them about this, unless they approached me about it. But given what I've already explained, I'm absolutely sure they won't bother talking to me for a long, long time.

Good job everyone.

[leviathanlog]

#9

I have a talent for willing things into existence, but only bad things, it would seem. Much like the illness I caught some days ago, today I would be invited to a hangout with the friend group that the person I talked about yesterday and me are both a part of. Nothing dramatic, it happens every now and then, it was just the timing that caught my attention. I tried to not give it any more thought that it needed, and I mostly succeeded, until admist all the fun we were having and such, there was a moment of silence, it was only me and them, and they asked how have I've been, to which I awkwardly implied that I've been having a rough time, and that was all. We didn't interact with each other directly beyond that. I tought today about why was it that I felt that strong urge for reconnecting with them, and I looked back, and I realized why I hadn't been feeling like that until yesterday. I was upset. I was upset about everything I described before and more. But I had forgotten. Why? In fact, this morning I had some family problems that stressed me out for a while until I figured out a plan to solve the issue. But I didn't go through with it. Now, admittedly it was not simple, it would take a while. However it seems as if I just got distracted and forgot the stress that was driving me to action? Why, and more importantly, how can one forget the motivations behind the things they do so easily? All these strong emotions, undermined. It's not like stress is usually a good motivator for me, I spent the first half of this year being paralyzed and tormented by it. But why must the other option be ignorant bliss? Despite my gradual improvement these past few weeks, it seems as if I have to get my act together much much quicker than I expected, and I don't know if will be able to. There is no other way, it's do or die, I'll have to focus all of those emotions into a surge of motivation that gets me somewhere. Anywhere. Please.

[leviathanlog]

#8

I've been thinking about what it means to be over someone. Revising my own conclusions every now and then is important, and I had this development a couple months ago so might as well rethink it now. When I realized that they were not my friend anymore, that I didn't like them anymore and that I felt ignored, I kept it to myself. In part because I hate unnecessary conflicts, but also because I felt like they were justified in drifting away. I was a different person back then, one that was probably not fun to talk to, to put it lightly. I never got confirmation that this was the reason they gradually stopped talking to me, but it fits the timeline of events. I never held it against them. I am hurt by it of course, but I've always felt it was justified. But I don't know, it's been coming back to me, and I kind of want some catharsis out of it. It just feels wrong, having it never be acknowledged, is it wrong to say that I feel like I deserve an explanation? Part of it is, embarrasingly, the desire for a confrontation that ends up proving me wrong. Some people you just want to reconnect with, but it's hard. In this case it feels impossible for me to be the one to initiate the conversation, but for some reason I've always been the person in my relationships that has to, otherwise it's never brought up. But it wouldn't be appropiate, I'm not even sure I have the right, and I don't feel entitled enough to ask anything of them. At least I can say that it doesn't upset me like it used to, which was all the time, but I still fantasize about it every now and then before I fall asleep. Maybe I'm just waiting in vain.

[leviathanlog]

#7

I feel ashamed. I don't know what did i do to feel like this but I want to crawl into a hole until everyone has forgotten my name. I think of my projects, my art and whatnot, and I get this awful embarrassment piercing my chest. I am afraid of what everyone will say or think, should I just lie to them? That works most of the time, but then it just becomes stressful until the lie is forgotten and it stops mattering, which takes it's time. I slowly lose the confidence I have cultivated with my friends over time, and that leads to a loss of intimacy which makes it so I feel increasingly disconnected from them and the real world, stuck in a loop that repeats itself endlessly. Why is it so hard to realize one's own self-worth? Is it because it requires admitting that there's no greater purpose for our existence? Is it so hard to appreciate the small things in life that are given to us, that while not remarkable, are too easy to take for granted? The routine and monotony sound terrifying, but at the same time, I see others take solace in the certainty that a simple life provides. How does one mimic that mindset?

[leviathanlog]

#6

I haven't been available the last few days. I'd rather not talk about it.

[leviathanlog]

#5

Oh man, today was short. I think I didn't do much, but what else is new? It's fine, it was a Saturday, who cares? It's supposed to be relaxing. Anyway, the only thing of interest that happened today was that some friends of the family came to have dinner and such. I got to drink, it was fun, I like my drunk self. It's not like I do it often, I have a beer like once or twice a week, but it's fun. I want to be more like the person I become when I'm intoxicated. Not stressing over everything, being more social and open, allowing myself to be vulnerable. Yeah sure, sometimes I may regret what I do or say, but that's the sober me being anxious, the one I established as being not very cool. I've gotten some of my most fun and memorable times from being that other self, and what's so wrong about that?

[leviathanlog]

#4

The illness is fading. Tomorrow I will have to start doing things, hopefully. But today it's mostly been about sleep, and therefore, more dreaming. Although I don't remember most of what happens, I know there are a couple of recurring themes they tend to follow, at least as of late. They are usually situations analogous to matters that stress me in real life, and they often aren't too far out there in terms of realism. I dream a lot about huge cities that I can effortlessly navigate, usually accompanied by economic or relationship issues unique to the dream-scenario of that night. They transform the streets and highways I travel along into anxiety-ridden treks, where I'm only capable of counting the minutes until I have to face the inevitable conflict that is waiting for me at the end of the line. The other kind of dream, the kind I enjoy, tends to entail a meeting of new people, who are always so pleasant to be around, and whose welcoming embrace warms my heart every time. Sometimes it's just one person, someone I fall in love with. Other times it's a group of new friends. I have such a good experience meeting these new people I've created in my mind that I always forget to ask for their names before I wake up. I hope tonight I can make some new friends.

[leviathanlog]

#3

It didn't get worse, but I am still sick. I slept all day so there's not much to tell. I did have a lot of dreams though, but I can't remember all the details and it's really frustrating because I remember the feelings but not the events within the dreams that caused them. I know there were some people I care about featuring in them too, so that makes it worse, I wish I knew what the plot was all about. Something I wish to experience some day is lucid dreaming, I don't remember ever having one of those, but they sound like they could be fun, assuming there is some degree of control in them. Heck, even if I can't decide what happens I could be fine with it. Ultimately I am too lazy to do the training I've seen people go through in order to achieve lucidity, so it's better to hope and wait to randomly get one some day.

[leviathanlog]

#2

Yesterday I mentioned that I expected to be doing nothing all week, and was pleasantly surprised by the little things I did manage to accomplish. However, it would seem that this hubris inadvertely taunted greater beings that in turn decided to punish me by giving me a cold. So yeah, I woke up with a sore throat, I later got a clogged nose, and now I am shivering as a result of a mild fever. I was actually expecting something like this to happen eventually. Every year I fall ill on at least two distinct instances, and I haven't gotten one yet. But I still have to wait and see if the symptoms worsen by tomorrow, since in my experience the second day is always the worst. Now as weird as it may sound, I kind of look forward to getting awfully unwell every year. I'm not sure why, but it's nice to feel weak and do nothing but light activities for a couple days, or just sleep all day and fend off the fever dreams. It also allows me to be effortlessly dramatic, going around the house as if I was on my last legs and this is my final stand to save everyone before I wither away and have to watch them mourn and witness my death while I slowly lose consciousness (I'm leaving my room to wash some dishes). Leaving the fantasy and theatrics behind, I'm going to sleep now, and wait for what's to come.

[leviathanlog]

#1

Gods, it's starting to feel like a chore already. Nevertheless, It is now one of my responsibilities to write stuff on here. Today turned out to be a better day than I had in mind. Yesterday I was expecting to write "did nothing, here are some random thoughts I had" however I started my day by doing some maths to avoid admitting to being wrong about a formula. I ended up being right and I got to sound smart while explaining. For clarification: I don't do much mathing, ever. In the afternoon while I was bored out of my mind, too much to resort to my usual distractions in fact, I somehow managed to grab my pen, open my illegal copy of Photoshop, and sketch a simple picture that I had previously envisioned in my brain. I cannot stress how hard it usually is for me to do something like that, but I'm happy I managed to pull it off. Lastly, I had a conversation about feelings and stuff with my bestie, and it was nice. Nothing else worth writing down.

[leviathanlog]

#0

Hi, lately I've been losing track of time. Days feel like hours, hours feel like seconds, and so on. I've found that having a daily chore helps mitigate those feelings. In addition, I have also noticed that writing down my inner thoughts and knowing someone out there could read them is a fine way of coping, specifically if I get to be anonymous while doing it. So yeah.