levittbe - Tumblr blog

[levittbe]

folks 1.0

The life of an observant introvert often means that you see everyone else’s excitement, but you never get to really experience it for yourself.

Throughout my time at university, I realized that I spent a lot of time observing everyone around me, but never fully engaging. Whether it was because of intimidation, lack of interest, my anxiety or my depression, I missed out on a lot of really great friendships because I watched more than I experienced.

So what now? I have all of these memories of watching other people’s lives go by... but rarely any of my own.  I don’t know what to do with them, as I get so flustered whenever I think about how I didn’t engage enough to be actual friends with people. They’re a reminder of the experiences and happiness that I missed out on. A reminder of the folks who now look at me with either pity or confusion, or even frustration.

So, since memories don’t just disappear, I wanted to do something productive about them. So I decided to write. I’m not a writer and this is by no means meant to be something of use to anyone but myself (read: Future Amber, it is horrendous writing, but don’t be discouraged kthanks).  But I wanted to just create a space where I can think about the people I met in my life and where, regardless of our status as strangers/acquaintances/colleagues/friends/etc., I can appreciate them for what they taught me.

I won’t use real names, but everything else will be as accurate as I remember them. I met some pretty amazing, selfless, brilliant, and forward-thinking people during my time at Stanford, and I want that to be on full-blast.  Regardless of the fact that they’ll forget about me (such is the life of a wallflower), they’re still great people and I want to recognize that. If not for them, then for myself.

So... these will be done whenever I feel like getting around to them. It’s like a public journal, which means it’ll get done in chunks because that’s how I journal - sporadically writing down memories I want to keep.

Til then,

A

[levittbe]

i wrote to you today

I wrote a letter today;

I wrote how I have lost countless numbers of friends in the last two years and don’t know how or why. I tried to put into words the frustration, the sadness, and the confusion that this loss has brought upon me.  I wrote how I am someone who needs logic - clarity, comprehension, understanding - to get through life. And how people leaving me with no explanation has my heart clenching uncomfortably because I can’t make sense of why.

I tried to explain how exclusion has hurt me. I’ve seen people who I considered close friends leave with no explanation, just to join my other close ex-friends in long-lasting empowering friendships. I see them posting photos of people who matter to them, and I’m never in any of them.  I see them sending their friends gifts, posting reminders of their exceptional worth, and constantly writing the most heartfelt, inspirational posts about one another. And guess what? I’m not included in any of that.

If we were not friends to begin with, the pain would be non-existent.  I would never have to go through the motions of grieving a loss. I would never get jealous or angry or confused or frustrated... because there was never anything to mourn over in the first place.

Since I started losing my friends, I’ve had this pain in my chest. I go around my apartment feeling like I’ve swallowed a thick chunk of bread that I can’t seem to get down.  I cry constantly.  I’ve had more panic attacks than I did when I was in school. I’ve even contemplated suicide - after all, if I can’t manage to keep relationships with other people, what is the point of living?

I’m in a lot of pain. And yeah, I do have anxiety and depression, so that certainly contributes to it. But I never lead with that, because then people wouldn’t take me seriously.  I can have opinions and hopes and dreams and expectations that are separate from my mental health - I can.

I wrote this all in a letter to you - my ex-friend. And then I put it in an envelope, wrote “frustration” on it, and tossed it into a box.  Because even if I explain it, the point will never get across. It never does.

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[levittbe]

If you're going to cry to me when I'm on my death bed

Or in a never ending slumber six feet under

WHILE KNOWING THAT I WAS SUFFERING BEFORE

Don't. You don't get to absolve your guilt and say "you wish you could've done more" just to have others say there was nothing you could've done. Because that's bullshit. They can absolve your guilt, maybe even bring your spirits up. But just know that even in death, I won't. You could've done better- end of story. You should've done better - end of story. I am sick of folks feeling guiltless when they purposely, knowingly make decisions that affect folks...

[levittbe]

Just putting this out there into the world

Because I'm crying

Being alone when you don't want to be

Being isolated when you're obviously calling for comfort

Being told you "matter" without so much as a hug or a text to hang out

It does things to a person. Depression and anxiety, yes, but unfortunately those then become the blame for the feeling of inadequacy, rather than the actual reality of folks leaving you to rot.

Having depression is difficult because it's harder to keep people accountable. When you're not dealing with a mental illness, you can easily call folks out whenever they flake on you, abandon you, hurt you, etc. But when you have a mental illness, it becomes "well, they don't have to stay with you" and "it's all in your head" and "you're exhausting and shouldn't have to expect people to stay."

Fuck those folks and fuck that rhetoric. I may have a mental illness that may cloud my judgement at times, yes, but I also like to think that, on my good days, I can still spot shitty friends and shitty people who treat me wrongly. I haven't completely lost all my ability to think objectively.

That is all.

[levittbe]

Is loving someone although there's a good chance of them hurting you self destructive?

You know it is..

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Watch the video

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~feeling pretty in pink~

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