lgbtpeterpan-blog - Tumblr blog

[lgbtpeterpan-blog]

Random Rant #1

Hey again, nonexistent followers.

How do you even get followers on here anyway? I think I’m probably just expecting too much. Haha.

So I just though I would share my gender distinction system with any other genderfluid folks who happen to read this. On days that I feel more masculine and want to use male pronouns, I wear a blue piece of yarn around my wrist. If I feel neutral and want they/them pronouns, I have a green piece of yarn. On days that I feel feminine and want female pronouns, I wear a yellow piece of yarn. If I’m feeling in between two of those, I just wear two pieces of yarn. Like today I wore my blue one and my green one. 

My girlfriend (yes, it’s official now) referred to me as her boyfriend a couple times today, and my friends all used the right pronouns. It’s so freeing to actually be referred to as how you feel. 

So another random thing about me: I literally spend more time on YouTube than anything. Except sleeping. I watch Markiplier, JackSepticEye, CrankGameplays, Connor Franta, Troye Sivan, and some others. YouTubers have been one of the biggest support systems in my life since I got into my teen years, and I don’t even know why, but watching these YouTubers makes me so happy. 

I should probably go. I’m suppost to be working on homework.

-Peter

[lgbtpeterpan-blog]

Trapped.

I was talking to my therapist the other day about how I’ve been feeling lately. I feel like whenever I’m home with my mom and my brother I have to go into this character that is what they think I am, or, in my mom’s case, what she wants me to be. I’m forced to pretend to be this little girl that likes to dress up and is boy crazy. I’m only 14, but I’m fairly mature, so being stuck where I am and not being able to be myself is killing me. I want to be able to live on my own and be myself. I want to be able to dress the way I want and get a chest binder that actually fits. I want to be able to decorate my room with pride flags, and I want to buy clothes that make me feel good instead of having to worry about what my mom thinks every time I go shopping. I want to be able to introduce myself with my preferred name. I feel like I’m trapped. Trapped in a home that I don’t want to be in, trapped in a body that feels wrong, trapped in this character that I’m forced to be whenever I’m not with my friends. I spend so much time watching LGBTQ films on YouTube, trying to find books about LGBTQ people, listening to music that is directed at LGBTQ people. I don’t know if anyone will ever see this blog, but I hope someone somewhere understands how I’m feeling.

Signing off.

Peter

[lgbtpeterpan-blog]

Hello :)

Hi. I guess I’m starting a blog. I’m going to go by Peter, because I love Peter Pan. I’m kind of a nerd, I guess. This blog will probably just be me ranting about stuff and talking about my experience as a member of the LGBTQ community in high school.

A little about me: I identify as genderfluid. My sexuality is panromantic asexual. I don't have a preference when it comes to pronouns, so when referring to me just use he/she/they. I have mild depression and an anxiety disorder, so this blog may sometimes get kind of depressing and deep. I apologize in advance. I like music, and I watch a lot of YouTube. Specifically gaming. I live in a really boring town with a lot of homophobic assholes, but my school has one of the most amazing and supportive groups of LGBTQ people I've ever met. I kind of have a girlfriend...? (It's complicated, basically we aren't officially dating but we're loyal to each other. I pity anyone who is ever in my current dating situation. It's so confusing at times.) I'm really involved in the theatre department at my school. I fence. (Not like making fences, the sword fighting sport. I hear that joke way to often.)

So I decided to start this blog because of a book I read. Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin. It's about a genderfluid person who is in high school and they start a blog because their therapist recommended it. I thought it seemed like a good way to get thoughts/emotions out. So here I am.A quote from that book that I particularly liked, the main character at one point said that "gender isn't a switch, it's a dial."

So this morning I woke up feeling pretty neutral on the spectrum. I put on pajama pants and a t-shirt and Ugg boots because I'm a tired high schooler. Like I said, I was feeling pretty neutral. I was fine at school through fifth period. One of my friends called me by my birth name (which is extremely triggering for me) so I started feeling more and more masculine until I was physically shaking and I couldn't breath. I wasn't wearing my chest binder, and that made me feel worse. I have dysphoria-triggered anxiety attacks sometimes, but I hadn't had one in a while so I was really freaked out. I talked to my friend and he helped me feel better, so I was mostly okay the rest of the day.Moral of that story is, even if you feel wrong in your own skin and alone, there are always ways to pick yourself back up.

My personal list of coping skills:

-Imagine things in your mind that you want to happen. Ex: If someone's being an asshole to you or someone you care about, imagine yourself hitting them over the head with a chair. It usually helps me.

-Imagine a blank white space in your mind. Slowly imagine yourself painting it over with black paint until the space is covered.

-TAKE DEEP BREATHS.-Clench different parts of your body (ex: your fist) and slowly unclench it after a few moments. Imagine letting go of all your stress.

-Make a list of "happy places" in your head that you can go to if you're feeling anxious or sad.

I hope this blog turns out to be beneficial in some way.

Signing off for now. 

Bye!

-Peter