life-of-cae

[life-of-cae]

Wednesday morning. I was late for work.

[life-of-cae]

Flourish on neglect

Today was a quiet day. I did have some hiccups on work today, but I was able to pull through. My parcels arrived! First is my shower curtains. I love it. It added a sleek and classy vibe in the bathroom. So this is what adulting looks like. Lmao. Then came my pre-loved books and bookends. I bought 4 books in Shoppee, one of them is "The White Robin". I realized that one of the reason why I love reading is because I love how authors describe a certain situation beautifully with such diction. Plus, I love the metaphors. I stumbled upon the phrase "flourish to neglect". It was referring to plants that grow beautifully regardless that they're not cared for. I thought about life, there are times you may feel neglected, that you failed on some point in your life, but that doesn't mean you will never thrive. If that makes sense.

[life-of-cae]

Rediscovering myself

I feel lost lately. It's been years of me being a blank slate. It felt like my identity is comprised of the different characteristics of those around me. I'm a conformist. I've always considered myself as someone who easily gets a long with people - given that I really want to in the first place - and effortlessly coming up with topics that can keep the conversation alive. I'm good at making it seem like I'm interested on what others are interested in. And now, another realization dawned upon me. I lost myself along time ago. I'm not actually aware when it started, but there was a point in my life that I lost enthusiasm in almost everything. Of course, I needed to go on with my life despite having existential crisis, I still had to engage with people. That's when I started somehow mirroring people's vibe. I really don't know if this falls to the category of being two-faced, or rather just being civil in a way. I was subconsciously aware of this and I'm guilty in just going along with it. I never thought that there will come a time that I'll get tired of it. That I will feel so uncomfortable with my own skin - if this is even mine. Writing here somehow awaken my old self again. I decided to continue writing and reading books that I was interested in the past. I will try to detach myself from social media - meaning with my online friends as well. This is a hard pill to swallow, but I think I have been trying to be relevant now-a-days, which I find tiring and unnecessary. I keep forcing myself to answer questions that I don't really have answers to. I'm now convinced that I need to rediscover myself and stop molding myself based on the people around me. It's time to retrace my tracks. No more wandering around.

[life-of-cae]

Hello again, Tumblr!

It's been a while since I wrote here. I remember years ago, I'd pour all my heart out to tumblr. Back then I was still interested in writing and poetry. Those were the days, indeed. Now I feel like I'm back to square one, trying to figure out how to write down my thoughts. For now, I'll just go with the flow.

A lot happened these past few years. Suddenly, I felt like Tumblr is someone I haven't been in touch with and somehow I needed to caught tumblr up. This feels nostalgic. As far as I could remember, the last time I used tumblr was back in college. I tried to retrieve my previous blog, but I failed to do so. I want this to be a routine again, like I always did before. I haven't been writing in journals. Everything is just jam-packed inside my head, I never had an outlet.

Where do I start? Backlogs? Lmao. Everything after graduation. It took me months before I got a job as a Data Analyst. I can remember buying corporate attires and a lunch box (I was so eager to save up as early as I can). My first day was January 2. I asked my friend - who works in Makati - how do they commute going to work. They suggested that I take a Van in Coastal, but me being me, I was too afraid to explore. I've always been a scaredy cat. My parents/grandparents have always been protective of me going out. I view the outside world as a very dangerous and confusing place to be in. I'd rather stay at home, where everything feels familiar to me. Going back, I planned to take the bus that time. Everything did not pan out accordingly. I woke up early so I won't be late, but it was a Holiday, I failed to account that there were few public transport available. This part was a bit blurry, since I can't remember if I ended up taking a van or did I drive to work. But either way, I really felt my independence that day. I met my workmates, they were all smart and awesome by the way! My first day was an 8/10. I still feel nervous and just trying to fake it until I make it. My second day, was really memorable, I woke up really early and tried to take the bus again, and then reality hits me. Commute sucks in the Philippines. We were like sardines in the bus, I was holding back my tears. But yeah, I made it to work alive. I asked my ex-boyfriend to pick me up at work, because my energy just can't. I remember us waiting at the bus stop, but suddenly decided to have a bite in a Tropical Hut nearby. I really like that food chain. Just by entering the Hut, I felt a huge wave of nostalgia. It looks like time ceases inside the Hut. It did gave a vintage vibe, it exactly looks like the fast-food chains where my parents used to bring me when I was child. The food wasn't that great, but the ambiance is what makes me want to go back there every time. I'm not sure if it's still there in Makati.

My first job wasn't that easy. I had to go through a lot. It's like life just slapped me in the face with reality. This is the time that I realized that I have depression. I consider this the darkest moment in my life. Given that my life is perfectly fine in almost all aspects. I end up crying as I walk through the elevated walkway all the way to the station. I never knew the reason why. It came to a point that I had to resign and go to Qatar for a reset.

So that's that. My first post here in tumblr. There are as lot of in-betweens , but I'd rather post them separately. If that makes sense. Hehehe.