life-of-pines

[life-of-pines]

Peter: *Changing the names of Tony's Iron man protocols*

Tony: Hey, Friday. Zoom in on that building over there.

Friday: Old man protocol activated, boss.

Tony: What the fuck did you just say to me?

Tony: Friday, alert the team that I can't fly because my suit broke.

Friday: Activating, I've fallen and I can't get up protocol.

Tony: PETER, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS!

[life-of-pines]

Peter’s a light sleeper because of his Spider Sense and Tony’s a heavy sleeper (harder to wake up from nightmares) so yes, everytime Peter wakes up in the night and goes into Tony’s room to wake Tony up, he will wake up like a Mom (gasping like he’s in some horror movie)

[life-of-pines]

Pepper: Tony, you’ve been in the lab for two days! You need to sleep!

Tony: Come on, Pep— I’m not even tired and I’m almost done! Just one more day…

Pepper, leaving the lab:

Pepper, storming in five minutes later with Peter by her side:

Peter, sniffling dramatically: Mr. Stark, I’m tired :(

Tony, throwing all his tools down immediately and hurrying out of the lab: Welp, you heard the kid. Friday, dim the lights and cue up Star Wars. I’ll grab the weighted blankets. You grab the hot cocoa. We meet on the couch in five—

Pepper, slipping Peter ten bucks: Thanks sweetheart

Peter, now ten bucks richer, binging Star Wars, AND hanging out with Tony: Thank me? This is the best day of my life

[life-of-pines]

Sing me the song of your people SOUP! meow! Sing me the song of your friends SOUP! meow! Sing me a song for the good times SOUP! meow! Sing me a song, a song. HEY SOUP! meeeeoooow!

[life-of-pines]

one thing you learn living in new york: you literally never know what's going to happen the next day. it's become a general rule of thumb to expect the unexpected, so to speak.

despite this, when the avengers get reports of iron man flying in circles over queens, growing more frantic by the second, they're confused. mainly because they're currently sat at a table with tony stark himself. and, according to his ai, the suit that's out causing mayhem is still securely stored downstairs.

they all head out to see what the hell is going on. they meet with strange on the way, who mutters something about inter-dimensional disturbances and whatnot.

spider-man gets to the scene just before them. the second iron man visibly freezes when he spots him in his red and blue glory. "mr. stark?" they hear him ask. they see as he turns and spots them, and then does a double take. "what's going on?"

"underoos!" real tony calls, nervous, at the same time as the other one spots them, and then lurches forward to all but manhandle peter behind him.

the avengers all tense, readying for a fight. fake tony raises a repulsor. "i just want the kid. i don't want to fight."

"you don't belong here." strange says, infuriatingly calm. "i don't know how you got here, but you need to go home." fake tony nods. strange adds, "you can't take him with you." which earns him a rather mean blast. luckily, he ducks out of the way.

the poor kid is whipping his head back and forth, clearly confused. tony's stomach twists unhappily. "you don't understand," fake tony hisses, "all the work it took to get here. i'm not going home without him."

"you have to." strange takes a step forward, "you can't transport him between universes. it's not viable." the lenses on peter's suit widen, and he looks at the fake tony.

"he's from another universe?" steve asks, disbelieving. strange nods, and opens his mouth to say something more, but is cut off by the other-universe tony. he removes his faceplate, revealing a tony stark that is far more haggard than anyone had ever seen before. he's thinner, his eyes are darker, pleading. he looks like a man who's lost everything.

tony looks to peter, who's still staring, wide-eyed. he can see the gears in his head moving but can't decipher why.

"you dimension hopped to kidnap the kid?" tony asks, a little unfocused. the kid was in danger, and it was all he could think about. "why?" peter turns to him, then back to tony number two. he gasps as something apparently clicks in his brain.

he steps forwards, rounds the other-universe tony and stands in front of him. he instantly lowers the repulsor. "because i'm dead." peter says, confidently.

everyone pauses. they look at the spider like he's gone insane, because he clearly isn't dead, not anymore, at least. but other-universe tony looks like he's had the wind knocked out of him. "pete-"

peter deactivates his mask. "right?" he asks. other-universe tony frantically looks over his face.

"it's my fault." he says, softly. "i'm so sorry. i'm sorry, pete. i'm-"

"come out of the suit."

other-universe tony pauses. "what?"

"come out here, please." peter asks again. other-universe tony does as he asks, stumbling out and immediately into the open and waiting arms of the baby spider. it seems to break him, the embrace; all at once he loses any trace of intimdation and anger and sobs, curling around the boy as much as he can. peter seems unphased, unlike the other heroes, and shushes him. "it's okay, mr. stark. it's not your fault," he murmurs soothingly, only reaching their ears due to the intercom on his suit. "it was never your fault. i chose this, i chose to come up there. i didn't regret it for a second."

other-universe tony heaves. "i was supposed to protect you. i failed. i failed and you're gone and you were so scared and i couldn't do anything-"

"you're wrong," peter soothes, and it's a weird image. the child comforting the adult. "if he was anything like me, then-" for a second, his eyes cut back to this-universe tony. "then he was glad you were there when he was dying. you made him feel safer. it would've been so much worse without you."

and then it all clicks for tony. this was a version of him from a world post-snap, who'd watched a kid he considered his own fade to dust in his arms. who sat in his own guilt, and shame, and loneliness. he knew the feeling all too well, and this tony had crossed dimensions to try and get his kid back in any way possible.

if it were for anyone but peter parker, this tony would've said it was a little dramatic.

he's sent home eventually, the other tony, after some more comforts and a not so subtle hint as to how they got everyone back after the snap, much to strange's dismay. later, real tony sits in the lab, watching peter from across a table, and he asks, "how'd you figure it out?"

"figure what out, mr. stark?"

"why that other me was here." peters looks up from whatever he's tinkering with. frowns.

"well, you invented time travel to get me back," he says. "why would you stop before dimension travel? it just made the most sense." tony has half a mind to argue, but one look at his lab: a midtown high hoodie draped over the back of a chair, a teenager's backpack in the corner, a seperated table with it's own organisational pattern and piles of blueprints, a report card pinned to a board, and a spiderman charm hanging from dum-e, he figures the kid is right.

"yeah, well, i love you a little too damn much then, don't i?" he doesn't think about the words before he says them. he's felt it for so long it feels like a second instinct.

luckily he gets no time to panic. because peter immediately lights up, says, "i love you too." and gets back to work.

damn kid.

[life-of-pines]

@ashleyparker2815 and I love that the collective fandom just decided Peter loves cuddles despite no direct evidence outside of a deleted scene where he sleeps on MJ’s shoulder

Do you have any sleepy irondad cuddles headcannons? the pet names are literally the cutest

OMG YES YES YES

I headcanon Tony calling Peter kid, kiddo around other people, but when they alone (or with Pepper) he calls him bubba, roo, spiderbaby, chipmunk (form Alvin and the chipmunks, I headcanon that Peter LOVES this cartoon and every month they are rewatching it and Tony finds some resemblance between Peter and Theodore (“honestly, Peter has characteristics all of them”) so Tony calls him chipmunk)

Most of the time Peter calls Tony “Mr.Stark” despite how close they are, but when he is sleepy he slips and calls him dad.

If Peter falls asleep on the couch, Tony carries him into his room.

If Peter has nightmares, he comes into Tony’s and Pepper’s bedroom and sleeps with them.

Peter is like a small octopus and always sleeps literally on Tony, compressing him and making it hard for the man to breathe (what we do for our kids)

Pepper always laughs and makes a tons of pictures of them.

Peter is really affectionate, but when he is sleepy he is 1000% more affectionate and always wants as much physical contact as possible.

One of the first times when they cuddled on the couch, Tony discovered if Peter feels comfortable and safe he purrs.

Peter is a big spoon (he is an octopus and a spider, of course he is a big spoon)

that’s only some of them!! (sorry for responding so late😭😭)

I hope you are having an amazing day!!

[life-of-pines]

Seconded!

Tony off handedly mentioning that Peter is "burning up" Peter flinching and crying, begging not to be burned, swearing that he's not sick, he's not a burden, please don't burn him, please don't get the torch, he's sorry, he'll be good, he can take care of himself, he doesn't need the torch, he doesn't want to be burned, he won't be a bother, he'll-

[life-of-pines]

So I’ve just. Literally never had an original thought in my life. Cool.

literally me every single night

[life-of-pines]

If you’re still up for requests — could you maybe do one where peter or remus comes home after a visibly bad day and the reader misinterprets his behavior and assumes he’s upset with her instead ?? like she’s walking on eggshells, silently fussing around trying to figure out what she did, meanwhile all he wants to do is hold her and decompress 🥺☹️

absolutely no pressure! <33

“Oh my god.” Peter lets out a pained groan at the door, followed by the plastic crinkle of shopping bags hitting the floor. “My back. Jesus.” 

You look up in surprise from your book at the table. “I thought we were going together?” 

“I couldn’t face coming home and going out again.” He drags the bags to the fridge and pauses. “I figured you’d be okay with not having to go?” 

“Sure,” you agree immediately. He has a black cranky fog around him, you can practically feel it as you get up to help him unpack the bags. He doesn’t seem best pleased with you.

He rubs his eyes, rubs his mouth, and turns to the sink. He runs the faucet, pulling one of the glasses back off of the draining board to fill, and wincing at the harsh sound when he turns it too fast. Peter forgets his own strength every now and then —usually when he’s not feeling well. 

Peter gives you a funny look as you step into his space. You quickly step out of it and start to load groceries into the fridge and cabinets, pleased to find he’s bought the things you would’ve gotten yourself and even some things you’d have wanted but not allowed yourself. Maybe he’s not that mad after all—

“God damn,” he says, rolling an empty bag into a ball in his hand, “I forgot the fucking laundry detergent again.” 

“That’s okay–”

“It’s not okay, you’ve asked me to get it three times this week.” 

“I was just reminding you,” you say, fingers tingling with the potential of an impending argument. “It’s fine. We haven’t run out yet, we can squeeze another wash out of it. I’ll get some tomorrow.” 

He sits down in the chair you’d been sitting in and moves your book and plate of snacks aside, neither gentle nor rough about it. “Damn,” he says again, dropping his face into his hands.

“Pete…” 

His eyes must be sore by now he’s rubbing them so much, hands held to his eyes and fingers scratching into his hair. He tips his face toward the table and lets himself sit with whatever it is that’s getting him down. Me, you think worriedly. I shouldn’t have asked him to get groceries today. You knew he had a longer shift than usual, and that he’d want to do some Spidering afterward. 

You’ve sorry on the tip of your tongue when he lays his face heavily in one hand, elbow on the table barely keeping him up, and holds the other out toward you. Rejecting him doesn’t even cross your mind. 

“Fuck, I missed you today,” he says, taking your hand as soon as you offer it and dragging you toward him. You peer down at him with wide eyes as he wraps his arm around you, his nose quick to hide in the linen of your shirt. His voice tickles, “I just wanted to be with you. I knew this would make me feel better.” 

There’s a little dry barb at the back of your throat you can’t speak past. Peter doesn’t notice, rubbing his cheek in your side as he repositions you for optimal hugging. He lets out a self-pitying whine, second arm joining the first in a lock behind your back. “You smell amazing.” 

“I do?” you ask finally. 

“I think you’re just made for me, angel,” he says, voice dragging with fatigue. “You always smell good.” 

You squint with lips pursed, blinking in confusion as you bring your hand up to his hair. “Thanks for going to the store.”

“You’re welcome. I can’t function without groceries either, anyways.” He sighs with the particular Parker brand of lovelorn contentedness, a familiar sound. He makes the same noise when you’re tucked up in bed together on the weekends with nowhere to go, or holding hands on the subway travelling home, knee to knee or intertwined. “Can’t believe how quickly you make me feel better,” he murmurs. 

“I kinda thought you were mad at me,” you confess, matching his tone.

“You have some strange wires crossed in your brain,” he says. His sympathy and affection for you is palpable; his hand tracks a soft line down the curve of your back. 

“Yeah, I know. Do you want me to rub your shoulders?” you ask, pressing your face to the mop of his thick hair. 

He hugs you tightly. “You’re my dream girl.” 

[life-of-pines]

Hope everyone is ready for some HUNKLES! We're planning a TWO YEAR CALENDAR this time, for 2025 and 2026. Not two separate calendars, but two calendars, together! Like twins! 2025's theme will be a Mullet!Stan calendar, with probably some Researcher!Ford thrown in. 2026's theme will be two old men around the house or ship, just doing stuff. Like baking cookies or watching TV. Something more domestic and homey, as opposed to the adventures and monsters of calendars past. More details to come, but for now, it's time to GET HYPED!!!

(which means REBLOG PLEASE!) (art by @gruvu

[life-of-pines]

Literally me when my autistic motor skills don’t function like neurotypical motor skills

me when the disability disables me: oh what the fuck? this sucks. what the hell man!

[life-of-pines]

I miss her every day 💔

🕯️

👆candle for all deactivated mutuals

[life-of-pines]

Wait isn’t that what budgeting is for

it sucks that the money you get to spend on like rent and gas is the same money that you get to spend on records and plushies. there should be a serious currency and a fun currency

[life-of-pines]

The worst part about having mental health issues is that you’re seemingly required to have a breakdown in order for people to understand how hard you were trying to hold yourself together.

[life-of-pines]

Oh my god there’s a reason?!

The reason the Marvel Funkos bobble (and the Star Wars ones too) is because Hasbro has exclusive licensing on Marvel toys. Funko can't make normal figures because they're too close to dolls which is toy category. Bobbleheads, though? Different licensing rights. So they bobble.

i can't believe i'm learning all of this funko LORE... and just so you know, this has invaded my dreams now - i had a dream where i got a marvel funko that DIDN'T bobble and i was losing my entire mind. i felt like i had something illegal in my possession, and the authorities were on their way to break down my door

[life-of-pines]

Ok but like I actually affectionately refer to my headcanons as “visions”

I don’t ‘develop’ headcanons. They come to me in visions and I know they’re correct.

[life-of-pines]

🌸💕 for being kind and lovely, have a kiss on the forehead! pass it on to 10 people 💕🌸

Wolf my beloved, my darling, my love 💕

Cutie, sweetness, babydoll, bubbeleh 💕💕💕