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Thank god this dangerous criminal is off the streets. (via ablom2009)

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college is like when you go from 1st place to 11th in mario kart because you slipped on your own banana

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I said "smile, bitch" and he stopped what he was doing, turned to me and gave me this look. This dog named Dog, is my familiar. This Dog literally showed up at my house one day and became my Dog. He is a clever asshole and he knows it. He moves with a light of foot that would shame the Prince of Cats. I have tried to name him other fitting names, Loki, Tybalt, Hermes, Rumple, even Bruce. No, this Dog does not answer to any other name but Dog. He will not even let me call him Doug in public. He looks at me like "no, bitch, you called me Dog, now let me here you say it! You will embarrass yourself by having to call me Dog or I shall not respond or do your bidding!" Asshole. He has jumped up into the shits of four people who have rough housed with me and even refused to let my other dog near me if he's being rowdy. Dog even sits on my lap and refuses to let my own husband touch me at times. This Dog irritates me and at the same time is my main man. Undoubtably this Dog holds a piece of my soul within his own and whatever witch he rolled with before he came off the street and literally claimed my house as his own can suck it because she's not getting him back ever.

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lmao no offense.. but what’s the point of being mean to people for no reason

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Dragon Loves Flowers http://srsfunny.tumblr.com/

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Last night at work a man told me that I look better when I take my glasses off and I immediately replied that he looks better when I take my glasses off too and he got really angry and I think it was one of the proudest moments of my life