lifeaftermiscarriage

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

It’s National Infertility Awareness week, and while I might be only 10 weeks away from meeting my first, precious little rainbow girl - it hasn’t always been this way. She took a full 7 years of heartache, miscarriages and waiting to even be here.

I am a woman who is 1 in 8 and I can’t even tell you how much I will cherish this child that I waited so long for.

To all of the other women out there affected by infertility - whether you have children on earth, whether you have children in heaven, whether you have none at all, whether you are dealing with secondary infertility or if you’re struggling to conceive your first - I see all of you. You are so brave and I am so sorry that you are dealing with the same heartache that I have. Stay strong.

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

April 12th, 2019

How has it been 3 months since the miscarriage.

90 days - how?

It feels like it was just yesterday,

And yet it feel like it was years ago.

I should be 17 weeks pregnant. I should be planning my baby shower or gender reveal. I should be going through baby registries. I should be celebrating bringing a new life into our family. I should be happy. Uhg, I should be SO happy.

All of these things I should be doing or feeling.

I’m not.

I am sad and lost and a complete fucking mess. My heart is broeken and I feel it so completely.

I spent all day in bed. Literally. 4pm … That’s when I got out of bed. Fuck this.

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

My precious children,

God knows how much I miss you when the days are nice. I imagine us playing together in the sun. Drawing with chalk, maybe. Pushing you in a swing, admiring the way you giggle. Watch you discover every leaf and blade of grass as though it’s the first time you’ve ever seen them, because of course it would be.

I dream of sleepless nights. My arms holding you close to me while we have those precious moments together while Daddy sleeps. I want the late night feedings and the 3am cuddles. I want to hear your little coos and sighs as you dream. I wanted to watch the world play before your little twitching eyes as you slumber.

I imagine your little fingers and toes, counted a hundred times over - just because. I long for the hushed giggles in the next room as your Daddy fawns over you. I long for the look on his face when he holds you. When he sees the magic that we’ve created together: you.

All of these wishes and dreams and hopes are gone now, as are you. I stare down at my empty belly sometimes, and the womb that aches inside, and curse my body for not holding onto you. Sometimes it’s a deep rooted anger, my little doves. Sometimes it takes me over when I see other little babies and their joyous mommas. I wish I could be like them. I wish we could be like them. Sometimes I wish I could join you in heaven. Just so I could finally hold you in my arms. But I have to stay here, in case you send me a brother or a sister to hold. I’ll be here until it’s time to see you again. I’ll hold my head up and I’ll hold your Daddy’s hands and we will make it somehow. One moment at a time if we have to.

I will love you and carry you with me with every beat of my heart. You are gone from my womb but you are not gone from my heart.

All I ever wanted from this life was you. You’ll never know how happy I was to see those perfect pink lines, my little loves.

Forever and always your Momma. 💔

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

Hey, um, psa

April fools day is coming up and I know I’m going to see a lot of “girlfriend pranks boyfriend with pregnancy test” things and like, please don’t do that. Like yeah I guess it’s funny that your boyfriends don’t want to be dads or you’re giving your moms heart attacks as you’re like 14 and now she thinks you’re pregnant but like… it’s kind of not cool and here’s why. 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage. 1 in 6 struggle with infertility. That’s a SHIT TON of women who just really want a baby and it’s just not going to happen. That’s a shit ton of women who spend every day on social media watching friends and family announce new additions and CRYING because it’s never going to happen for them. A shit ton of women cry themselves to sleep at night full of guilt for spending THOUSANDS on fertility treatments and STILL being unable to make their husbands dads, etc etc. Its not funny and it’s not a joke. Its heartbreaking. Its.. its just not funny. Please be mindful that not everyone is as lucky as you.

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

Cosas por las que NUNCA deberías disculparte:

• Llorar • Estar deprimido o con ansiedad • Necesitar o pedir ayuda • Expresar tu opinión • Darte tiempo para recuperar tu paz • Tener altos estándares • Ser sensible o emocional • Confiar en tu intuición • Ser tú mismo

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

💓

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

“yes, we’ll be together someday. but if I had my way, we’d be together today.”

— in my mind

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

On the top of the list of “what fucking BROKE me today” is.

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

Unravel My Heart

Mommy’s Little Saint

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

They say it gets easier, but it really doesn’t. I would have been 22 weeks pregnant today. I can’t help but always imagine where we ~should be. What life should look like. I would have found out the sex of our baby. Felt him or her kick. Have a cute baby belly. Probably picked out a name by now. The guest room in our beautiful new home would be a nursery, instead of empty. But instead, I just have to imagine what should have been. What was taken from me.

I hate what miscarriage has done to us. It has completely wrecked me. With every pregnancy following, I can’t take it as a promise as some women can. I’m just pregnant “for now”. It could change at any moment.

I hope and pray everyday for our miracle to come.

[lifeaftermiscarriage]

#misscarriage #dueloperinatal #missedmiscarriage