lifeasmanu - Tumblr blog

[lifeasmanu]

Him; dont say it! Me; Bhenchod me; good luck!

[lifeasmanu]

me

I am a private person, I like to keep my life private, I like to keep my goals private, and I like to myself private, never indulging in social culture, never being the life of the party, not easily accessible. Yes, that's me.

and there is a long list of things that I hate about you, the other guy,

The guy who seems to act submissive so to present himself as a gentleman only to rule out on me only to be loud as fuck in private with me, the guy who seems to have everything sorted other than the virtue of being a true gentleman. You were LOUD, You were the decision MAKER, You were the OWNER, You were the CREEP, You were the DESTROYER, You were the HATER, You were the CHEATER.

You preach me everything, from decisions to next step, to dress, to how to act, so now you think you have hold of someone, I did it out of love, heard every call wherein I felt hanging up. Stayed every place wherein I felt moving out, waited every station wherein I felt taking the train, talking life wherein I felt keeping it private, I did it all and more than this out of love, and I was called a Cheater.

Now that this time I am trying to defend my peace and sanity, I am being held the culprit, while you, Walk free. Thinking you were right. Next time, I am letting the man pass through every knife that you pierced through my body, next time i am not letting me be the fool, next time I will not be thinking to lose a friend, and next time I will not be having YOU.

[lifeasmanu]

BHENCHOXD;

[lifeasmanu]

Final Turn

From the list of thousand TO DO's I did what I was not supposed to. We ended; we are done. I am done, Do I care? Do I feel something? Am I changing? Is it really happening? IDK.

I do yes, still Love him, for everything else, not the part that only I can feel, there. I should tell him. Should he know? No.

I am not that competent to let my wild thoughts take decisions for me, I was here the same stage last year, had known the other guy for like five years, never knew to the fullest, they differ strangely, and I like the difference, just tells me that I can and do deserve great and good than this. How unfair right? I started writing here as a way to let out my feelings and whatever happens in my life, obviously good, to remember and keep like a souvenir forever.

But here it is the book that I started to write my story is now writing THE END. end of us. How would I act when I will see him again? Do I want to see him? Would I be ecstatic or just plain, simple, nothing new? Do I feel good or am I just used to this feeling of making people disappear from my life? Is there someone else? Is it just me? Do I really want myself alone? Yes, I want to be. But I also don't at times.

I want to cry alone, but I also want someone to weep my tears, I want to sing alone, but sometimes I want an audience, is it my fault that I am this way? Well, it's not a fault, it's how someone is, it's just the way that some people are, and so I am here, being this girl, Untamed, Unwanted, Unapologetic, Unusual.

I get into people, deep, and then there's this unfathomable feeling where i feel, I'm no more myself, I can't be ME anymore, and I just want to be left alone then, I just to start from scratch and feel that It's me and I can do whatever I put my mind to. Love is a fleeting feeling for me now, I don't think I can love again.

For the first and last time, I'm Unavailable. Purely.

[lifeasmanu]

Its Cryptic

I' was elated after a long tiring day at work, that I had met my people finally, closed my arms inside them and let the day stress pass away like it was nothing, like got chills and medicine in the air.

Thank you for being there my bestie. That biryani was life saver.

today was the second day and I feel so overwhelmed that I am the part of this organization, and I am getting to learn a loopful of things, though not really.

mom said she got a call from Astha Singh, asking for me? No, I don't know if any such person exists in mine, but I am definitely sure, this person exists.

got a cryptic text on WhatsApp with a number belonging to Thailand asking If i am doing great and can I have a minute to spare for them? I see the dots meeting, and giving me a sign altogether, but I don't really know what, or why? why all this happening now?

I go back to flashbacks. Astha Singh was in love with my ex, and my ex used to call me with oe of those international numbers, +44,+66, +11 sorts I have a faint memory of which. all of a sudden they are back? why she would have called me? why some anonymous would ask for my well being ?

am I the only one thinking out of the box, why is this happening? I am living a sound life, I have everything that I want and i cant wait to live a beautiful life ahead. I pray that everything falls back at place and I dont have to worry about nothing.

God's grace.

[lifeasmanu]

LOOK, life wins again!

I saw us together from strangers, to acquaintances, to friends, to best friends, to lovers and now back to strangers.

"I know I hate to give you up; I know I'm never home enough"

this is what I feel right now, I have loved you diligently and to the full, I tried erasing all the odds about you and embracing all you good and bad. you changed your ways, mend your habits for me, told me you're working on yourself for me, hate to think of all of this going away, I don't know what the world wants from me, but I want You, your love.

I don't know how to say, can you wait for me? I have had people in the past whom I loved, left and gone. But this one is different, here I'm pushing you to let go off my hand and I can't be doing any worse than this, you are a gem, just not the size of my ring.

Remember when i said I want things to be bad, I want myself Sad, I shouldn't be wishing upon these things, as when they do come true, all I see is my happy parts burning, going away.

You said I'm not sure of you as I was for him, If I wasn't sure for you, I wasn't sure about any good thing happening. I like your softness, your gentle voice, suddenly when you state your fears with loud voice, as it gets louder when you turn to your emotions, that firm hold, and what not.

This last day i wasn't there to let go off you, I was there with the questions of my own, I didn't know the answers to, I wanted to hear just something, a little hope from you to hold on to, behaving different? no matter how bad I try, you always made me giggle, I don't know why, yet again!

have written poems for some, death threats to some, this one is a parting gift, a love note, ask why i cant say infront of you?

"Maybe cause I'm okay without you, that's how I know that I LOVE YOU for real, and Darling, I love you for real."

[lifeasmanu]

Duggirala

hey hey hey peeps, had a good time off the Charts! here to announce that I got calls from my favorite Duggirala, yes the prominent Author, Youtuber, and entrepreneur. the man is what you name him, he's a loving husband, sweet father, best mentor, and smartest man in the room, not that I can vouch for all of it as I haven't met him yet but I am certain as we all can assimilate this much from the online persona, or the identity that we create of the person n our minds. I think I can assist him in whatsoever way he wants in the perspective of business, as far as my head goes, I have seen his youtube posing some issues for views, we can maybe fill the gap there, not that anything else has been perfect since the beginning, but we can start from something over the youtube certainly, can't we Mansi?

I'm Happy, elated, ecstatic, and feeling proud that I could at least nail off that message which made him reply, and honestly, I was dead. and I'm alive.

[lifeasmanu]

i will meet with Jennifer Aniston, soon

[lifeasmanu]

CP

next chapter and a very cute one, so in the morning I got a text from my High school Principal, saying he was around my place and wants to meet, Father Jose has been the kind of mentor everyone deserves and I am extremely proud to have him, he's always been around me in my school life and have always taken good care of me even though it was not needed, I feel all of this relationship or bond that I have with him is scripted, as when h entered the Institution, wherein I was in 11th grade I had this at the back of my head that I want this person to be with me I want a strong bond with him, cause I couldn't have one with the last principle which I had, so here we at, with the strongest of bonds from the school life, and I do remember telling him that the only thing that I will ever remember about this school is YOU, and I'll only ever come here is with the intention of meeting You. and its been more than three years since then, though we had conversations about stuff, about what is happening in my life and in his, I remeber him telling he moved out from Rajsthan to Kerala and now again to Rajasthan. I am all in and excited to meet with him and share with him all that I have been through and all that I have planned for myself, I don't prefer calling him my therapist but he's some kind of a pill, that I'd like for myself I assume at least once in a year.

another great pill, me and him(Tyson) went out for lunch and it was bananas it went so good, we mutually decided to smoke and omg it was my first time, smoking while I was standing omg, I had to tell you it was as if I was levitating and the floor swept away my feet I could see the signs moving the billboards no more stationery, and it was not a great lift but anyways, it was good. I heard from mom that my brother's ex visited the house and I should say this I had neutral feelings about that It was not bad or good, I mean I should be upset but I don't want to give her that much importance in my life at the moment.

it's an unusually long text I presume, but I'm feeling a little good about meeting father. He's indeed a fatherly figure for me after all.

I remember him saying when my dad passed away and he always used to come to confront me about how my day went and how was I feeling, "I would have come if I had known this" those words were enough to share how much he loves me. Thank you, god, for giving me all the best people in the world. I am and will forever be grateful to you.

[lifeasmanu]

Epiphany01

It's amazing how people have different priorities in life, like for me having read for my exams and getting a good grade is a must at this point but even before that having written this post is a must and see, how magnificent is this phenomenon where our head arranges all this task of which is the most important and which is the least important task for us to do and at what time of the day. The working of this machine is exquisite, we see it doing the difficult mathematical calculation in milliseconds, we see it arranging puzzles in a similar manner, and what not is done by this so-called machine that is inbuilt inside of us, It solves puzzles and the same time falls for illusions, what a contrast.

#mind #mindfullness #thoughts #dailythoughgts #writing #literary #notes #poem #fiction

[lifeasmanu]

The Meet

Yes, we had a conversation today about what went wrong the other day and how can we make it right, I was a little furious which is ingrained in my behavior, can't help it, I knew I had to make everything right and so I shook the scum of anger out of me and we hugged it out, Not a great story to write about today, thought I had my prayers before the end of the day, which is about a minute ago, I do not want to sound braggy but I do applied for Varun Duggiralas Intern and I am certain that I will get it

[lifeasmanu]

Do some crazy shit, only in the pot though!

[lifeasmanu]

continuing...

I am pissed off, yes!!

I mean he and I had such a great day together, we were the closest as ever, and guess what it suddenly felt as if I was being ghosted. It is such a hard pill to get the digest,

Now for an excuse, he says he wants to hold off my thoughts, for what great an award or honor of chivalry? he only knows.

when people have a good time together, they are supposed to catch up on it, isn't it the whole point? or else why on earth do people call each other to meet after a single date? cause those guys had a great time. this is it. That's what I wanted today, but nature had other plans, for the longest time, I had my feelings enclosed in a dungeon deep down, but when I have him, and when I do know I want him, I'd rather have this my way other than anything mainstream. I am seriously held back by this act of audacity rather than kindness.

this tells me why you should not have another person, more vividly if I had to say it, "A MAN", so that you can keep away from this disgusting trauma of self-realization and regression.

HATE IT, a bad day now

[lifeasmanu]

Today

the after-party scene, I left my friend's house at around 12:30am, at the wake reaching the hotel at 1, had certain difficulties finding the place, all of this while I was dehydrated, sleep deprived, and hungry.

underdressed? no, I'd suggest the best dressed, I was the only one that was subtle, and chic, and in the scene for the party after the DJ Night at college, it started raining as soon as we got off the stage from dancing in the evening. Again the same familiar faces I was clustered with, not that I don't like them, cause that I anyway true, but I think that I do not see myself with them in the next 5 years, but does that mean I should spoil 'THE MOMENT' cause I think that they aren't the ones that I should be with?

I guess sometimes I overanalyze the situations in order to not act out of bounds but isn't that what should be happening? Anyways, I have often let the contradicting thoughts of mine pass, and have tried to be in the moment, which is what I did the last night, I mean how much does it take to pretend? anything other than usual? I don't think so. hence there I was an Imposter or charlatan. i danced the night away with those 'unaware about the future pals of college'

How did I end up in that situation, not a long story I just got mingled with my girlfriend whom I like and appreciate, for no good reason as of now. I just believe her to be the one personality that I often endure and enjoy a lot having in.

Anyways so, after I and my boyfriend reached the hotel, we both actually were on the brink of totally retiring for the day, we took a hot bath and had dinner, now its actually a good night we are sleeping poles apart and its a good thing untile he decides to do the opposite, to which later I had the consent given. Purely dead and retired.

we escaped the friends night with 3 cigarettes, NOTE, I'm a no-smoker. I assume it was nothing in the night that could compel me to do it, but anyway I gave it a thought and he got determined. we smoked in the morning, and a little chit-chat about my past life with him, a little more coming closer and a little more fear of detachment from him now, a fatal move from my end. we got freshened up, messed up again, ate again, and smoked again, by this time mom had called me around twice and it would have been the death call, if I didn't pick it up in 2nd, as expected I told her I'm on my way to home, which of course I was, though she did sound rude and upset about me not picking, to which I apologized as soon as I made it to home.

I was home at 5 in the evening, a pretty suitable time for a college-going kid to be home. called a few guys from the party, but none picked up, all zoned out as I can tell.

A good day, thanks