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I Did a Thing...

I am hitting the road again. Anyone that knows me, this isn’t a surprise. This time it isn’t in a Jeep, or a plane but a toy hauler. I bought the truck and trailer already. I really do feel like I am redefining the American Dream. I tried the whole buy a house again and settle down and it just isn’t where my heart is. For me, less (material things) is more and I love to connect with nature and people. In doing my research there are over 1 million Americans who live in an RV so I am excited to meet some like-minded folks.

The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing. – Michael Gerber

    This is the house I am selling. I feel pretty proud of how the photos turned out. I am just using a MLS listing service and selling the house on my own. Wish me luck.

    And of course…. a song for the road

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I Don't Think About You

After Sean’s suicide, I was emotionally wrecked. I hit the road with Roxy and my jeep to clear my head. To figure out life.  It was liberating and healing.Then I met Matt. This guy standing in front of me had gone and lived overseas for 2 years after his divorce to sort through life. I was in awe. I felt inspired. But I ran. He invited me for waffles. No thanks, Taco Bell and a night in my car instead. Curious… There are people that travel like me to explore life, after all, what is the meaning?

I think of it like my cats. These jerks go hide when someone comes over. However, sometimes they come out and watch them. They want affection. They want to see who they are. They want to trust. They stay just far away not to be grabbed or touched. Rubbing on furniture meowing for attention. They want affection from these people. They want to test the water to see what these humans might do to them.

That was me to Matt. Yet Matt was the human that sat down and said I will just sit here with you, I don’t have to connect. I purr… I enjoy having this human’s attention. Eventually, I come closer and closer. He pulls out the toys and I start playing. I enjoy our time together. He sees me. He tells me if I can just exist with you, I promise not to hurt you. Anytime you get scared, I go. So I swat him when he gets closer. Sometimes I use my claws to see what he does. Interesting… He stays. I start to trust him. Let down the walls. Not, I will even flop over on my back for this human to touch my belly. The moment I do that, it all changes.

You see I trusted him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. We get married and I follow his career to Japan giving up my apartment, my career, my pets. When I get there, I still run and hide when I get scared. I won’t let anyone else know I have trusted him and that I am married again. Yet, I realize that isn’t him, that’s my issues and baggage I carry. I want to be better so I do what I know to do to clear my head and my heart. I go to explore the world around me. It is what I do. It is who I was when he met me.  I think travel is the best teacher to discover the world reveal the powers within.

Upon my return, something was off with Matt and I felt it at my core. At first, I thought it was me and my changes. Until I found the messages from her. This human that had spent over a year building up trust crushes me in an instant. 3 days of looking me in the eyes promising that nothing happened and  I find out from another source that this person was in my space, my world, with my man, and in my home.

It was my fault according to him. For every outburst of anger, for hiding my marriage, for needing time to myself, I caused this. “How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.”

Do I stay or do I go? This was one of the hardest questions I have ever faced. He promises-if you stay I will do ANYTHING, anything at all that you need. How would I admit after 4 months of being married that I failed, again? Options: I can return to the US with no job, no car, no place to go, and no way can I ask for my pets back. If you ever would have told me before this happened that I would stay with a cheater. NO WAY. Anyone that knows me would probably think the same thing. But I did. I stayed.

I put my heart and soul into transforming myself. This girl was 20 and I was 29, to make sure it didn’t happen again, I needed to change my body. I got into running. I worked out 2-3 times a day. I juiced. I found healthy recipes to make. I found photos from that time labeled “before” dated shortly after the affair. I am sharing because at this time I hated my body and I blamed myself and I couldn’t stand how I look. The affair took away all of my self-esteem. I was a confident human before but after I felt like I wasn’t attractive, intelligent, or in any way interesting. Just looking at this picture brings up so much sadness as my body is beautiful. At the time, I wasn’t sure that I would ever be lovable again.

My request was that I have access to all of his accounts, that he go to therapy, and that he commits to building back that trust. I wanted him to sit on the floor again and just exist around me so I could warm-up to trusting again. Three appointments in, he quit therapy and told me I needed to go with him or he wasn’t going. My response was that this was his mistake to fix, not mine, especially 4 months into a marriage.

After he quit therapy, I begged him to quit his job and move back to the US and let me build my career why he sorts through it. I had so much anxiety. I kept pushing forward. I started a doctorate program and started teaching too. I isolated myself from friends/family. I hadn’t even told people we had gotten married, how would I explain my situation? I was humiliated and I was betraying myself. My connections to people are one of my greatest assets and something I work incredibly hard at. However, I hid. I cried alone. I told people I was fine and I pulled away rarely reaching out to anyone scared they might ask how I am doing.

Anger is an understatement. I raged on Matt physically lashing out and spewing venom in the form of words and digging my claws and teeth in. I was already an explosive wreck after the suicide but this situation took my anger to a whole new level. It shattered everything I thought I knew about myself. I became a human that I didn’t even recognize.

Of course, this triggered Matt to lash out and return the rage.

One point I almost left Matt. Instead, I got individual therapy to stop the rage and I got a handle on my explosive reactions. My thought for therapy was that if I stopped lashing out that he would step up. I could set an example of change. I stopped and returned to the relationship re-committing myself.

Matt didn’t stop the raging and blaming me though. He even made the choice without me to continue in his job even though I had expressed I was done putting my career on hold and I was ready to return to the US.

The next year, I made the decision to return. My thinking was that if I showed Matt a good life in the US maybe he would have reason to get help and make an effort to repair the damages done, take responsibility, and to stop blaming me.

It was time to take care of myself and put the focus back on me. I needed to take control of my life again. Taking part of the blame when I wasn’t to blame was disorienting. I found myself busy trying to find myself back to the person that I once was. It wasn’t my responsibility to carry anymore. Matt has the burden of the destruction that his cheating caused. The minute I pulled back to focus on myself, Matt started slipping in the opposite direction of what I had intended. He became depressed and withdrawn.

I continued to beg him to go to therapy for help.  February I put out the ultimatum, get help or I am done for good. Early March I showed him the divorce paperwork to show how serious I was. Towards the end of March, I filed when I had reason to think he was having an affair again. So much for doing ANYTHING I needed to stay and make me feel safe again. The next day, he made an appointment for therapy. Too little too late.

I connect to music and this is what I put on repeat for anyone else that needs to hear this:

  To prove to me he wasn’t cheating, he asked me to log in to his social media to see a conversation. In the short time that I was in there, a female student called him. I lost it. I took over all of Matt’s accounts. I reached out to his family and told them that I felt like he could use support since I would no longer be there. Matt told them not to reach out and that he was fine. His family lashed out of me. I outed all of his family secrets. I literally lost my sense to be rational. I even sent messages to his family like I was him. I spent most of April mourning the loss of my marriage and getting control of my emotions. COVID hit so I was forced to confront my feelings head-on and I started therapy again.

Of course, according to Matt, I am to blame. I quit on us and on him when he needed me the most. I can’t help but feel sad. I gave all of myself and wanted so much for it to work. Even though I filed a part of me held on to the thought that maybe he would return to just existing there while I bite and claw with the promise to never hurt me again. Showing up daily and just sitting there with me patiently doing what is needed to allow me to start trusting him again. 

Since we have the house he has at least agreed to help financially contribute in the short term which that comes at a cost to me in the long term. I hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks and this past weekend Matt violated our separation agreement without communicating with me. We can’t even be separated without him disregarding something he signed in writing. Another broken commitment and promise. Sunday I cried more than I have cried in my entire life in a 24 hour period. Turning to music for support and just to relate.

And that is why I am writing this today. I know this doesn’t fit the norm of not airing out your dirty laundry. I have never been one that hides the bad. Social media tells us that we have to paint a picture of life is grand. However, I know every time I share I find people that can relate. So, yes I lost my cool, yes I am imperfect, yes I went bat shit crazy at times, I wasn’t perfect and I am not free of the responsibility for my part in the failure of my relationship.

What I can promise is I gave it my all and every bit of what I had.

After my music fest on Sunday, today my cousin posted something I desperately needed to hear.

So I am giving myself permission, out loud, to let go. To move on. To heal myself. I am acknowledging that I am ready to see beyond my pain today that I am holding onto and move into love, happiness that is clear of anger and the immense amount of guilt I have felt. Some of that guilt is in the fact I haven’t been honest and true to myself. I didn’t lean onto friends years ago when I needed them most and I believe people take the bad with the good or they don’t deserve you. I have been fighting my way back to myself and I am ready. What happened is my past and can’t be changed. As much as I wanted to control the outcome no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. I can control my actions and my emotions. I can reflect on what happened and make better decisions moving forward.

My heart is so full being back in Dallas with my people. Just today I had 4 people reach out to me asking for my time this week. They all have heard my stories of my mistakes and they still chose me. They sit with me and show me the love I need to show myself.

I know I’m Superwoman, I know I’m strong I know I’ve got this ’cause I’ve had it all along I’m phenomenal and I’m enough I don’t need you to tell me who to be

Can someone just hold me? Don’t fix me, don’t try to change a thing Can someone just know me? ‘Cause underneath, I’m broken and it’s beautiful

I’m broken and it’s beautiful

Today I chose forgiveness and to stop holding on to what could have been. Today I am leaning on my friends/family claiming out loud that I am working towards healing so that someday I can open my heart to receive love and trust again. For now, you can find me listening to this song over and over until I can wake up one day and every word is true.

  When you’re lost in the moment You can’t see where you going I didn’t who I could trust So I put all my faith in us Oh, you tore me to pieces Turned my strength into weakness I didn’t want it all to fall apart So I decided just to play the part

But honestly, I do it all again Putting up with all the bullshit, he made me strong enough to do this

It used to bother me Thought I could never leave? After all that I’ve been through, nothin’ left to prove No, no, no, I don’t think about you Weighin’ down on me I lost my sanity And now that we are through Nothin’ left to lose No, no, no, I don’t think about you

I feel freedom where I stand now And I feel proud from who I am now Yeah, I learned a lot along the way I love the woman that I became

I was patient, but not anymore He’s back in my hands And you swore I’ll never do it But it’s your turn to face the music

It used to bother me Thought I could never leave? After all that I’ve been through, nothin’ left to prove No, no, no, I don’t think about you Weighin’ down on me I lost my sanity And now that we are through Nothin’ left to lose No, no, no, I don’t think about you

It was hard to hold on Days and nights I thought I’d never make at all Couldn’t make it at all Now I stand tall Feeling like myself again, no worries at all Breathe No one can stop me from livin’ this moment for me I found my heartbeat After all that I’ve been through No, I don’t think about you

It used to bother me (it used to bother me) Thought I could never leave? (Thought I could never leave?) After all that I’ve been through (through) nothin’ left to prove (prove) No, no, no, I don’t think about you Weighin’ down on me (weighin’ down on me) I found my sanity (I found my sanity) And now that we are through (through) Nothin’ left to lose (lose) No, no, no, I don’t think about you

I don’t think about you (no) (No, no, no) no, no, no (Not anymore) not anymore No, no, no I don’t think about you

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Old World, New Home

I am sitting here writing from one of my most beloved places the last 5 1/2 years, the airport. I love the fact that at the airport you are either going somewhere exciting or almost “home” and a place of so many emotions. Today I am closing out the “living overseas” chapter of my life and “going home”. So many mixed emotions.

Matty and I are relocating back to Texas to settle down for a bit. Although I am sure the travels won’t stop, they will just be “different” 😉

When I moved with Matty abroad, it was like I was living in two worlds. We have always had 2 addresses, 2 currencies, and what feels like two lives. The old. The new. Putting the distance between these worlds was a challenge. However, I quickly learned those who go out of their way to stay in touch or come visit and those who distance themselves from the relationships. Reflecting back, feel like the period away has helped me learn what I want to keep and the things I have outgrown.

Moving abroad there was a huge learning curve. I got lost many times along the way. Building a community of friends was difficult. But I learned it is about pushing through and learning patience to adjust to all of the changes. I now have a global awareness and cultural awareness that I know will change my view of “home”.

To say I have changed is an understatement.

I am headed back to a changed world from which I once knew. Friends/family got married/had babies and people I cared about left this world. I only caught glimpses of the life of those back home through social media and I know things won’t be the same as when I left. I fully expect to go back home and feel lost but just like my life abroad, I expect that to get better with time as well.

Now I will go back to an old-world I once knew, to a new home that I will now explore in a new light.

This is just a glimpse into our last 5 years.

As always, ADVENTURE AWAITS…………….

dav

fbt

cof

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Life in Chaos

Some would say I am a Type A personality: organized, structured, on top of things. Yet somehow I live in the complete opposite in the untamed, wild, and unknown. What I will refer to as ‘chaos’.

I returned to my temporary home Monday after being gone 5 weeks. Only to compose an abstract for a panel I am a part of for my academics. I also had to organize and plan missing parts for my upcoming trip. I had to unpack my life only to pack it back up again. Today I got an e-mail stating our flights were canceled for Saturday. This means instead of being out of our apartment Saturday that we will be out Friday and off on an another adventure.

For my life, chaos is inevitable. Even with the organization I try to compose the order gets disrupted. Order and chaos are complementary of each other. Chaos makes me realize that I need order. Chaos is everywhere and it represents a transitioning phase.

In my life, I always seem to have a never ending list of work to be done to bring order to my life. Some of it is self imposed of course. As a week passes, another page in the agenda is turned and things crossed off the list yet many more added. I have embraced that there will never be an end to my list and I like it that way. There is a reason people make their bed in the mornings. They have accepted the fact that the bed will soon turn into a disarray of pillows and blankets. Yet, they return in the morning to put it back to the orderly state. Order and chaos go hand in hand. I will continue in my chaos and attempt some order with acceptance that soon my structure I built will soon be unraveled.

“Without order, nothing can exist. Without chaos, nothing can evolve”. -Oscar Wilde

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Finished the Camino!!

Day 29: Hit the 100km (60 miles) to go mark today!!! I don’t want it to end. First thing this morning I saw John. I was starting to think he was a fake and didn’t exist. He is in my Camino Facebook group and started the day before me and we were in the same area. I finally found him. I taught him my recently slowed down way of stopping in every village for a drink or food, talking to anyone that would listen, and being in no rush to end the day walking. I think he enjoyed the slowed pace because he has some tendinitis in his foot. When we arrived in the village we went for a “drink and think” as he put it. Also had a pizza which we were sure they went to Italy to get because they were so slow but when it arrived it was not even close to Italian. In my opinion, it was better! The cheese was crunchy and the crust was done which I love. But what kind of judge am I? It was worth the wait. We found our albergue, did our pilgrim chores. Went for a drink, which I am still on the hunt for Sikkim gin, and had a chat with a few other pilgrims. I then showed John the power of the instant foods. We weren’t really super hungry so I went for the ramen (of course) and John for the rice. Simple and small. Here it is 8pm and I am already hanging in bed for some down time. I am really loving my days recently and can now see why people enjoy the Camino. Today was my second day without taking any medicine for pain and my body feels strong and healthy. Finally!!! I started a new book which I will lay here and listen to called The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown. It was recommended to me by Eric. Amazing. Please take the time and listen to this TED talk by her. “Connection is why we are here…..This is what it is all about.” These words are so true and the Camino is a lovely place for connections. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability…

Distance: 14.1 Time: 6 hours Money spent: 43

Day 30: Another day done. I found signs along the path from the wolfpack. Walked again with John which is fun. The weather is nice and got a bit of a burn on my arms. Day started off foggy but once it lifted, it was beautiful. Since we are towards the end, we get the tour groups doing this for a few days. We saw a girl in a bikini top swatting the bugs with her shirt. Also, a group of three were doing airplanes with their arms down the hill. Most are having their suitcases shipped forward. Entertainment is going strong on the Camino at this point. We also find a bunch of people racing to the end because they are running out of time. My plan is still to finish Monday. Today my Achilles acted up at the end. Still no meds but I could tell it was tired. Getting closer… Distance: 18.23 Time: 8 hours Money spent: 33 euro

Day 31: Walking the Camino. More. Today went walk fast, get to lunch, drink, stumble home. Not sure in what order but that is what happened. Started out at a good pace till we got to lunch where it was octopus and peppers. YUMMY!!!!You can tell that everyone walking for so long is in the spirit of good times. Met up with a bunch of others as crazy as me but they were only on their 3rd bottle of wine. A few hours spent at lunch is normal. Right? Today the first that I peed outside. After 3 beers for lunch, I couldn’t wait till the next place. Ohh the Camino life has provided me with plenty of toilet paper. We walked on and arrived at the alburgue I was told by the wolfpack I would love. They were right. Right on the river. People I have been walking with for weeks. What is not to love? We arrived back at 9:30 and a “new pilgrim” came to me and asked for some others that we be quiet. I was talking to 2 Germans and a Scottish person at the time. Ohh… Bless your heart…. Haha I know. The struggle is real. You have been walking 50 miles and your feet hurt😂. The moment I should have empathy and I don’t. I am here to enjoy my few days left. You’re welcome tourpilgrim. Sweet dreams.- From the Taxas Lady Distance: 17.12 Time: 8.5 (far too long but so much fun) Money: 42 euro

Day 32: Last day before the finish line!! Tomorrow I will end my journey. Today, was fantastic. I took my time walking stopping whenever I wanted and talking to anyone that would listen. Tried a dark craft beer from an amazing Spanish guy. On the beer you write the date, name, location and a wish. So that is what I did. He then takes the bottles and makes a Christmas tree with candles every year. I met up with Ashley for dinner after seeing Aunt Sue today. This is the Canadians I spoke about a few weeks ago. Also met a Spanish couple in our alburgue who went out with us. Being in Spain I expected to meet more but most don’t speak English. John is still walking with me and enjoying the slow pace and stops. He jokes that we are the last one to leave in the morning and last to arrive at night because we take our time and chat. We saw a horse on the trail. There are 3 ways to do the Camino. Walking, biking, horse. So this was my first time seeing the horse on the trail. Tomorrow I will cross the finish line. Bittersweet moments to come. Life, Love, Happiness is my wish…. Distance: 15.75 Time: 8 hours Money spent: 44 euro

Day 33: Done.🏆 Crossed the finish line and basically ran the whole way today. Met up with Philipp and Ramon and it was an amazing reunion. Back together for the night. 😍 Of course you can see many of the friends along the way from the pics that also finished today. The sense of accomplishment is going strong for me. I was known as the American girl with the biggest blisters and was popular along the route. The amazing times and friends that I made are the best part about this trip. I will write more later. Time for a celebration!!! Distance: 13 miles + Time: 3.5 hours Money: 104 euro

cof

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Week 4 on the Camino

Day 22: I walked like mad today. Anger is a catalyst for change. At least for me and it has been that way my entire life. Probably why I am prone to it. If I am going to walk 2 more weeks, I need to enjoy my time and change my mindset. Sure my body hurts and my feet pretty much hate me. I don’t have anything wrong that keeps me from walking. So that is what I did today. Mad at the world, sick of playing victim so I walked with purpose. Guess what? I caught up to Eric and Ramon even though they started 3 miles ahead at the same time. I had no idea I would see them and I sent them a text saying turn around. It was a beautiful reunion. We met Philipp for lunch and the bond is amazing. Ended up we all stayed together in the same place. Wolfpack is back, at least for today. Ramon is injured from doing such a long distance yesterday. A bothered knee and a fever. He got the job done though and made it. Today after arriving, I forced myself to shower and socialize. Something I have struggled to do because I mostly want to lay in bed and rest. So glad I did. I met 2 lovely Canadian ladies Susan and Ashley- Aunt/ Niece. We got deep into conversations about life, if the world was getting better/worse, the Camino experience and so much more. Everyone joined in at dinner with great insights. Eric is always full of the best. He talked about a metaphor of life being an onion and how these layers are put onto you but his journey has been about finding the core. Today was the first day I truly enjoyed the experience. I am determined to appreciate my time here and today I was on a mission and accomplished that. I think it is true, life is a Camino. I am here to embrace that philosophy. Distance: 16.7 Time: 6 hours Money spent: 30 euro

Day 23: Today I started out thinking I would do a short distance. As I went I thought about things. The symbolic location called Cruz de Ferro where you throw a stone to represent life’s burdens being cast aside. It was a short distance from where I planned to stop. As I walked, I felt it was perfect that 6 years to the date of Sean’s suicide that I go to this place. I told Matty of my plan and he said I should go and that even with the chance of bad weather, that maybe I was meant to struggle. So I communicated this to the wolfpack and I walked on. Even had to change shoes due to the mud and snow. Matty also informed me of his support and that he would let me be but if I should need anything, he would be available. He then told me that he understood that today was my day with Sean. The tears flooded and I walked alone and listened to my playlist of music that reminds me of Sean. When I arrived, I went and sat on the hill of rocks and cried and cried and cried. I cried for myself, for those that I was carrying burdens for, and for the burdens left there from others. Philipp arrived after me and he spent his time then he put his hand on my shoulder in comfort. I pulled him in for an embrace and we sat there crying for awhile. He then asked if I wanted to stay and I did. I had not even thrown my rocks. I had family send me rocks to represent these burdens. Ramon came and hugged me and kissed my head multiple times. I continued sitting there just crying. Eventually after about 20 mins I pulled out the rocks. I examined them and thought about the meanings and relevance. When ready, I started throwing them one by one. I saw Eric off to the side just taking it all in. I finally was down to 2 rocks when I stood up and placed them at the top. These 2 rocks represented strength and deserved the highest point. I then proceeded down the hill of rocks to where Philipp and Ramon were located and we embraced thanking each other for the love, support, and company during the journey. We all took a turn playing a song that meant so much. My song was, I’ll think of You- by We are Messangers. Eric took his turn on the hill and made his way to us. As he approached, I said it is time for a group hug and we all went to him, embraced and cried some more. It was very emotional for all of us in many ways and for different reasons. We left our make and headed off. Shortly after we left, it started to rain and sleet. There was a dog and after the story of the people being bit, I told Ramon to get his stick. He attempted to yell off the dog but it continued to follow. I was freaking out so he called the dog over. It wagged it’s tell and started to cry. I think it too was not enjoying the storm. After about a mile, we came across a shack. We went in for a break from the rain. We were invited in to a place with no electricity or running water. We were offered tea/coffee and cookies. We sat in by the fire and warmed ourselves. One of the guys were Brazilian so Ramon and him had great conversation, or it seemed that way. With water leaking through the roof onto the floor next to me, I couldn’t help but feel blessed. Here these guys had opened the home and taken us in to get out of the cold and rain. Even without speaking the language, the time was magical. We eventually bundled up and headed off in the rain, cold, sleet, snow, and walked. Knowing we had a couple hours of walking left, we embraced ourselves with the reality of the journey. After walking in the horrible weather for 1 1/2 hours, I rounded the road and saw the most beautiful blue skies ahead. It was hope and my face lit up. I stood there in the rain, cold, shaking and tears welled up in my eyes yet again. It was a great view and a symbolic meaning to the day that there was light and hope in the hardest moments. The bad things were left behind and there were blue skies and sunshine ahead. Although we were all walking our own pace, we joined in that moment and finished the walk to the village together. We found a beautiful hostel and topped the evening of with a steak and shrimp meal. The day could not have been more perfect and energizing. So many people reached out to me today. I am truly alive and feel the love and support during this journey. I hope that today you too have a chance to celebrate life. It is due to Sean’s death that April 13th I chose to celebrate life. I am thankful for the opportunity of this journey and the way to self discovery. My heart is full and if you are reading this, know you are loved by me. XO Distance: 22.9 Time: 8+ hours Money spent: 37 euro

Day 24: Today was a standard day. We walked, and walked, and walked or so it felt…. The morning views started out beautiful because we went down the mountain. Since we went so far yesterday, today was a bit hard. My body still hates me. My Achilles loves to give me fits when it gets tired, making it hard to walk. Got the job done though. Philipp and Ramon are with me but Eric went on. Getting closer to the end….. Distance: 19.23 Time: 7.5 Money spent: 42

Day 25: Today I woke up with energy to walk. When I got up around 7 Philipp asked me why I was getting going and told me I should lay down and relax a bit more. I think day by day things are looking up. The weather has been great the last few days too which has helped me in enjoying the walks. After one of our stops, we went the wrong way and had to turn back. Ramon and I ended up not seeing Philipp the rest of the day. He is in the next village over from where we stopped for the night. When we first arrived, the alburgue was so cold. I showered and laid under the blankets for a few hours. Even ended up taking a 1 hour nap. When I woke up, I called a friend from school. That really helped boost my mood and subsided the frustrations I am experiencing in my doctorate program. Ramon and I went to dinner with a Dutch couple. The guy reminds me of my Grandpa Beale. Anyway, uneventful day which right now is the best type. I think we are about a week away from the finish line. As you can see from the photo, we have under 200km to go, if we don’t make the wrong turns of course. PS- due to the snoring I am currently experiencing in the room, I thought I would add that I have learned to embrace ear plugs. They are better than shit sleep due to the snorchestra

Distance: 16.53 Time: 6.5 Money: 27

Day 26: I conquered the last mountain on this journey today! So the morning started with pancakes with Ramon. First time I have seen this on the Camino. It was a Russian couple who owned the place and the breakfast was perfect for a big day up hill. After this, Ramon went on ahead. I spent the rest of the morning playing leapfrog with some Spanish guys. Eventually, as I walked by them enjoying a beer, they invited me over and bought me a beer. They didn’t speak English and I dont speak Spanish. The experience was worth it even if I didn’t understand. We tried to communicate but the best thing exchanged was the sound of laughter. Just what I needed for the push to the top. Once at the top there was snow! After my last battle with the snow, I got nervous. I am much stronger now and the hike today was amazing on so many levels. I felt a great sense of accomplishment and pride knowing I have made it this far. The path should be easier moving forward and I have some extra time so I plan to slow it down and enjoy the last bit at my pace. I am again on my own as the guys are ahead and since I want to slow down, it is not likely I will catch back up to them. The place I am staying tonight has no restaurant in the village. So, bye bye beans. The story of the beans is I bought them in a week ago. I have tried many times to leave them and the guys would grab them and give them back to me in the next village saying I lost them. The beans are a joke now and I quit leaving them and have been lugging them around. Even brought them up the fricken mountain. Tonight was a perfect time to use the suckers. I will have them again in the AM for breakfast UK style. It is 7:30pm and I am already in bed. Tomorrow will be a short day with great weather. They say there are 3 phases: physical, emotional, and spiritual. I am through the physical and emotional- I think… so we will see what the next week holds. Crossing my fingers that we get to keep the nice weather. Distance: 15.27 miles Time: 6 hours Money: 33 euro

Day 27: I woke up and cooked the left overs of eggs, beans, bread, and cheese. I left a bit later than usual knowing I had a short distance for the day. Still alone as the wolfpack has moved far ahead. I got lost! I was caught up in frustration with Matty since we were texting and I didn’t make a turn. I walked a few miles out of my way due to this mistake. Ugh… so much for a short distance day. I called him up mad that he had distracted me and I got off the path. Blame game. Matty was diagnosed with ADHD recently and I have some resentment and hard feelings about this. I think mostly because I asked him 4 years ago to go see someone and he didn’t. So for 4 years I have blamed myself for some issues in our relationship that I feel would have been smoothed over had he done this. Last year in November he called me while I was on my way to see my family, he was upset and needed me. I told him I can’t. I can’t deal with his needs and mine and told him that he needed to go see someone immediately. He did and this diagnoses is the result. Anger is what I feel about it. Getting lost today was a symbol of how I feel in life sometimes. I was on a path for myself and got easily distracted and got lost. Sometimes I put so much energy into other people, I forget about myself for a bit. Then something happens that makes me realize I have given too much and I get resentful. It is an expectation I have and definitely a huge flaw I deal with because it usually ends in disappointment for me. I set myself up and it is something I am actively working on.

However, I got back on track and found a beer. While sitting there, I saw some people that I had not seen in a few days. One of them got sick after the climb so he caught a taxi. I walked on to the next village and again stopped to enjoy lunch and the views coming down the mountain. I took my time today and even sat on a rock to just take it in. I called Matty later and found I was still really bitter. He had to go to work and I entered the village I would be staying. Upon arrival, I found a beautiful alburgue. I did my usual chores and while doing laundry I met a lady from Colombia. Since I went there in 2013 I was so excited. She offered me their leftovers she had cooked for her and her husband. Along with wine. Bonus! It is this that reminds me and humbles me after a tough emotional day. Put it in the fridge for later. Continued my nice chat with the couple who now live in Switzerland. Then decided to work on school. Had a nice leftover Italian dinner alone. I need the time alone at this point to just sort through all that is going on. Job rejection. Life choices. School frustrations. Aging parents. Anger issues. & Relationship trouble.

I find that the Camino has a way of making sure you are living in the moment. Finding meaning in the challenges and reminding myself about the joy amidst the pain, that is what this is about. One foot in front of another in this path and in life. Great adventures await and I am reminded to embrace and appreciate the journey.

Distance:15.45 miles Time: 8 hours Money: 20 euro

Day 28: First day without the meds. I didn’t have to take anything today for pain which is a first. Unless beer counts? My first dark beer on the Camino though! Today the views and weather were amazing. Even getting some sun and color on my face. My body is functioning. All is good. Still without the wolfpack but I have come to terms with the thought that I won’t see them till the finish line. I found the sticker that said “Don’t mess with Texas”. Philipp sent pics of mess with Texas because someone took the don’t off and put it somewhere else which he also sent a pic of. Matty signed the contract for next year so it is official we will be in Europe another year. We hope to move to Asia next year. 🤞 The Camino will start getting busier because I just passed the town where people can start and still get a certificate. I had dinner with 3 Italians, a German, and a Canadian. We laughed so much. Especially when one of the Italians asked the Canadian if she eats beaver. 🤨 At the end of the night I met a Canadian who was passing through and stopped for dinner. He was a police officer and quit 3 weeks ago and walked the Camino. He had me cut the badge of his pack and he worked for the Royal Police for 30+ years. My grandparents have the best story of when I traveled with them to Canada and was so shy when my granny wanted me to take a pic with them. They loved that story because they had never seen me so shy in my life. The badge means a lot and to cut it off the bag makes it more special. Today was a good day and at the end of the day…. Love wins Distance: 15.63 miles Time: 8 hours Money: 33 euro

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Week 3 on the Camino

Day 15: The weather today was great so we knew we needed to take advantage of it and cover some distance. We stopped by an outdoor bar that Eric told us about because he stopped the day before. The bar owner was friendly and gave us watermelon which was delish. The walk was uneventful but I did start a new book called Rejection Proof. I thought it was appropriate learning the recent disappointment of getting the full time job. Very easy book and interesting. That is a whole new bag of issues I get to process and sort through. Do I stay and support Matt another year, teach part time and travel? Do I move back to US and start a new career? I have no idea where to even start with that. I will give myself a week or so before trying to decide. I felt physically strong today till we climbed. After the huge up/down, my Achilles was shot. As you see in the pic, it was 18% grade. I still had 5 miles to walk after so I ended up pretty slow at the end. I can tell you, carrying the weight in the pack, makes those types of things much more difficult with injuries. We are told there are 3 phases. 1 physical 2 emotional 3 spiritual. I am still in 1 with my body not cooperating with me. However, I got it done and the wolfpack was waiting for me in the village to sort out where we will be staying for the night. We found an alburgue that has single beds which I like versus bunk beds. It is much easier to get in/out of. The guys have been giving me the lower bunk which makes me feel guilty. So I like when it is single beds. Tomorrow I think we will cover a lot of ground also. The good weather makes it hard not to take advantage of because we don’t know when that might change.

Total distance: 21 miles Total time: 8 hours Money spent: 25

Day 16: Today we walked, and walked, and walked. The villages were so far apart we didn’t get lunch. I walked alone today and I stopped in a park to check my feet, 3 new blisters. Can a girl get a break?? Furthest distance so far. At least the weather was good. I called Matty and he had to walk “with” me the last few miles as encouragement. That with no lunch because there was no where to stop, today had me cussing at the 20 tractors I passed. Blisters, cow shit smells, and long distances, that is how I sum up today. However, the guys text me they got a private room for the 3 of us and a BATH. I had a few miles left so that was encouraging. At dinner we ate the normal menu which is 3 courses. I had soup, beef, and cheesecake. Pretty sure it is the best thing since being here but I was starving. The guys had the same and ordered burger and fries too!! Pretty sure I could have finished one off but it doesn’t exactly fit into the plan to lose weight while here. I am still hungry and bitter about today. Blisters and no lunch, really??? I expect a good nights sleep since it is the 3 of us versus a room of a dozen or more. Tomorrow it is forcasted to rain. Again, can a girl get a break??? For today, I hate walking.

Total time: 9 hours Total distance: 22.9 Money spent: 39 euro

Day 17: Rain & Rain today. We started off the morning with some rain. We left a bit later than usual because of the rain. I had breakfast this morning because I was still hungry from the day before. Usually I just have fruit for breakfast. Today I had what is called tortilla which is egg and potatoes and also had hot chocolate.The guys found a “don’t mess with Texas” sticker but the don’t was taken off. They made sure to take a pic and send to me. 😁🇨🇱 We put on the rain gear and walked 10+ miles before we hit the next village where we stopped for lunch. Then we walked on, in the rain. It seems as we get closer to the end of the day, my body wants to shut down. When we had 2 miles left, my Achilles got so tight. However, my feet are getting better as noted in the pics. It was a long day but a better than expected day. Ended with a nice group dinner.

Rain/snow is in the near future forecast, so a bus might be in order for me….

Time walked: 6 hours Distance: 17.26 Money spent: 42 euro

Day 18: I did not bus forward, I took the “train” forward. For a few reasons. The next few days are to be shit as far as weather. Plus….. I met this guy Mark, on the plane flying here. He has a son that lives in Leon. So I messaged him. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, he is available only for today. I decide to train forward. Forget the bus. I thought I would be so against it but this point I need a rest. So I am taking what I think is best for me. So, I took the train and who do I meet? Neil….. An amazing treat. A few drinks later…. Just what I needed for a few days. I still walked 12.8 miles today. I walked around Leon which was a wonderful city. I will wait here for the guys. When I told them I would move forward, I think they were surprised but supportive. I already miss them. I got a room to myself. I think Eric will be here tomorrow in Leon. The other 2 the day after. So I am taking a reset for now. At least that is what I am calling it. Reset to my Camino in hopes for a better experience moving forward. I just couldn’t see myself continuing down the crazy path I was on. For today, I had a great time with Neil going around the city. Distance Walked: 12.83 Time: Unknown Money: at least 65

  Day 19: Rest day. I spent the day recovering. I went out about noon to hunt down some ribs but the place was closed. I couldn’t find anywhere that was open serving food. They start lunch at 2 and dinner at 8. I did eventually find something to eat. I came back and took a 2 hour nap. About 5 minutes after I woke up, I got a knock on the door. Eric!!!!!! I missed him as part of our Camino family the last few days. We spent the evening together and even went for pizza. Matt says I am a true Italian now. The Italian’s go to other countries eat Italian food then complain about it. Matt also let me know that if we decide to stay with UMUC another year, it is likely we will move back to the UK for that year. Decisions to be made soon…. Plenty of rest today and another rest day tomorrow. Ramon and Philipp should arrive in the afternoon. Distance: 4.5 Money spent: 45 euro

Day 20: They found me! Today Romon and Philipp made it to Leon. Eric left late this morning and before I knew it the guys were here. Eric walked a short day today and the guys a fast day. I would like to think because they missed me. It is likely they just wanted out of the rain and a partial rest day. Who knows. But they made it and a day without them, that is enough. We saw plenty of other pilgrams today. We met a new one who got bit by a dog!! Who knew?!?! I had 2 dogs chase me at one point and bark but they never did bite. I would probably end up being not so nice. Tonight I am on a top bunk. I enjoy the top and it is nice not to worry about how I will get down with my blisters. Just ready to be a person in charge of their body. We will see….. I will go tomorrow and enjoy after all this rest. Time:None Money : 65 euros

Day 21: Three weeks down and another blister!! I feel like every rest changes the way I walk because one thing starts feeling better and then more blisters occur and start the cycle all over again. Today I walked part of the way with a guy named Neil. He is from the US but living in Japan for 30+ years. So of course we had a good chat. He stopped in the village before I stopped so I walked the last 7 miles alone. It was so long and flat. Of you look hard enough in the picture, you can see mountains ahead. Philipp and Ramon went on even further so for the day, I lost my Camino family. They caught up to Eric though. Maybe I will see then tomorrow but who knows? At this point, I feel defeated. My body hurts and I don’t know what to do to help heal. I am not winning the battle, that’s for sure. It scares me that we have more mountains coming up in a few days because of the snow and the forecast. I am struggling to stay afloat at this point and I only have about 2 weeks left to the finish. This is a true test of my will and determination because with everything going on physically and emotionally, something has to give. I don’t even enjoy socializing and prefer to be in bed resting and that is very much not me, as y’all know. I knew the battles would be hard but I never imagined this much physical pain. Every day I learn about more and more people having to quit. Fortunately, my injuries are not threatening just makes it extremely painful to keep moving forward. For now I am just thankful for no infections & no debilitating injuries. Said it before but…not sure how I will make it another day let alone weeks. At least today we had sunshine.

Distance: 21.08 miles Time: 8 hours Money spent: 28 euro

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6 Years, Grief After Suicide

Today I celebrate life. It is a choice I make every year on April 13th. This is the first time since Sean’s suicide that the 13th has fallen on a Friday, like it did in 2012 when he took his life.

I also write this blog to reflect on my journey. After it happened, I wanted to run and hide. I did in a sense when I lived in my jeep for months. I couldn’t shake the shame and guilt. I also felt ashamed that Sean had given me a new outlook on life that I could have never imagined. It took him taking his life to breath life into mine. So much change was to come from what happened that night.

6 years post suicide, midst the anger and grief, something happened. I feel a close connection to the person I am at the core. Feeling broken and confused allowed me to seek answers that I was needing. I had to stare my pain down. I chose to acknowledge the pain and allowed it to change me. That shift in acceptance, helped me learn some important lessons in life. That day forced me into a choice: either carry the weight of the suicide and let it consume me, or look inside and accept the pain and let it change me.

Today, I am on a journey of self discovery, trekking across the north of Spain. Today I walked 22 miles with plenty of time to think. This journey has been a representation of my journey through the grief I have felt.

I know now that when you redefine what you are capable of outwardly and seek an understanding inwardly, you unlock a great love that lies within. This is a connection that is self healing. By honoring myself, I honor him.

I externalize my grief and share. If someone will listen, I will share. I feel when all the tears are gone all that is left is to smile. The strength and vulnerability in opening up is releasing. When I externalize my grief, I use it to feel and heal. I learned you can run but you can’t hide. If you try, that hurt and pain spills into all aspects of my life. Yet when I strip away the guilt, blame, anger, and so on….  This loss has become my greatest gift and the life that I chose to live is proof. Sean’s death was a reminder to go after my joy and share it with my world. For this, I am forever grateful.

It does get better, I know that the time really does heal but you must keep moving. This journey has taught me that. His loss left a huge scar but my scar has a beautiful story to tell. The scar has been a catalyst for loving myself more. Life is a gift, I intend to live it and to celebrate it.

My journey in walking in Spain is a metaphor for the journey of grief after suicide. My blisters are huge and the pain in great. Every day I chose to move forward determined to make the most of it.  I listened to the following song on repeat today.

I celebrate life in the best way possible. Today, I’ll think about you………

I don’t know where you’re going but I’ll meet you there I can’t blame you for leaving but it’s still not fair And when I don’t know what to sing I’d sing about you

[lifedefused]

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Week 2 on the Camino

Day 8: I broke down on so many levels today. I was up before anyone this morning and all I could think about is how Matty was doing back home. I am waiting to hear about a full time position and it isn’t looking good. On top of that we have to move in May and again in July. It is all fine with me but Matty is struggling. It breaks me down. I want to take action and find a new apartment and email to find out about the jobs. In other words, I want to fix his anxiety. As I mentioned before I started this is I need to let go of the guilt of fixing other people’s problems. It took everything I had not to take action and it brought me to tears. Then we got to coffee and I realized there was no way I was going to make the 20 miles. And as the guys sat there drinking coffee, I made the choice to go back and have my bag sent forward. At first I felt weak and ashamed. Like I was not a real pilgrim because I couldn’t carry my bag today. Then Philip joined in because his shoulders we’re causing him issues. I don’t know at the time if he was doing it out of support to make me feel better or if he really wanted to do it. Ramon also joined in. I had not expressed my feelings of weakness till later. Then Philip thanked me for being strong enough to ask for help. So as we walked away I thought about it… How perfect is it that here I am dealing with the feeling of carrying the weight of the world and being exhausted emotionally trying to help everyone else and physically today I had to ask for help because I could not longer carry the weight?! Today was a real struggle. Emotionally and physically. I knew this trip would push me in both ways. I broke today but I walked my 20 miles, mostly alone so I could think about my emotions. I saw a new life too. In more ways than one. My own life emotionally and watched a lamb be born. Picture included of the mom tending to the baby. By the end of the day I didn’t want to be social and do the whole dinner. The guys were also exhausted, in fact Ramon fell asleep within 10 mins of being back at the room and Philip fell asleep reading his book. We went for doner kebabs, the European version of fast food and called it a night by 8pm. Ready for a new day and hope for healing. *Warning* gross feet pics included Total time walking: 8 hours Total distance: 21 miles Total money spent: 32 (another 9 at the pharmacy)

  Day 9: I walked again today. If you can call it that. The winds were so strong and I hobbled along but I made it. I took a video so you could hear the winds. I needed a short day as I lay here with my feet up, so swollen. Since I cut back my mileage, we lost Eric today. However, Philipp and Ramon are so patient with me they are hanging back. Ramon even took care of getting my bag sent ahead so I could get a head start. It is a holiday so there are loads of people walking the Camino. Last night we couldn’t find a place to stay very easy. It is crowded with Spanish people that are skipping along. Yesterday I met a guy in holiday living in Spain but he is from Argentina. I got a 30 minute lecture on how Americans suck and I should try new foods blah blah blah… This guy didn’t know me and just started talking, and kept talking. Told me I was slow and skipped off I told my pack he is the one person I have met on the Camino I never care to see again. Yet somehow he showed up at our albergue last night, slept in the same room and snored all night. It was funny though because he wouldn’t acknowledge me. Pretty sure he was embarrassed. Then today the same dude pranced along next to me again telling me I needed to go on past where I said I would go. Umm how about NO. Just take your happy none hurt, American bashing self and go. I love US jokes as well as the next but a 30 minute lecture was a bit much. Definitely needed to go and I am hoping today he went on. I went to shower today and multiple girls were putting on a full face of makeup. We want our quiet path back. The one where we know everyone and we don’t have to fight for a bed. Especially since someone 3 times my age can take me out of a race for a bed right now. Since it was a short day I got to take a 2 1/2 hour nap. My body needs it so much. If I make it till Monday, we have agreed to get a hotel and spend 2 nights. A much needed and we’ll deserved rest. So that is my short term goal. To walk into Burgos on Monday and stay with the wolf pack. Tonight I found a gin bar and we treated ourselves to some great drinks. In walking around town, everyone looks at and talks about the fact I am in flip flops since it is cold. A few feel bad for me. Grandma loves it because she can beat me across the cross walks. 3 more days and I get a well derved rest. That keeps me going, as well as the wolf pack and all the sweet comments and messages I am receiving from my wonderful friends/family back home cheering me on. My heart is full! Time walking: 5 hours Total distance: 15.4 miles Total money spent: 57 euro

  Day 10: I am not sure how but every day I wake up and go. I am frustrated about my body. From day one going through knee deep snow I have not been well since. I hobbled along today. It started off with rain and strong wind like yesterday. The temperature was around 32. It was so cold and windy at first but eventually it stopped raining and the sun appeared but the wind was still fierce. Today I had a random guy stop and ask me what was wrong. Although I know it looks like my feet, it is my knee that hurts the most. I had a knee brace on and this guy (German guy named Tel) asked if he could tape my knee to help. A random stranger that talked to me for a total of 15 minutes took the time to help me while I sat on a bale of hay. It really is moments like this that make the journey a magical experience. I asked him where he learned about this, thinking he worked in sports medicine or something and he was a 60+ year old man that learned it on YouTube. We met up with Eric for lunch but he went on further today. We booked a 4 person room in the alburgue so I hope to get more sleep tonight. Last night it was impossible in a room of 26. Hot and everyone moving around and the snoring was so loud. Upon arrival I worked on my dissertation some then shower, laundry and dinner. By 8 pm Inwas laying in bed. We made a booking for a hotel 2 days from now with a bath. We will be taking a rest day too. That is what I am walking for now. The short term goal of making it to a hot bath. As you will see in the photos, it is a updated pic of my feet. Although it looks worse, it is healing. I did some research last night and I think I had an allergic reaction to the plaster (bandaid for blisters). Now my feet itch and burn. The blisters are healed but the Compeed left a chemical burn or something of the sort. I put some prescriptions on it tonight so let’s hope they are better in the AM. Other than my body not cooperating, things are going well. I started a new book called “The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships”. For all my ladies, I highly recommend. I listened to 5 chapters today and I think the information is helpful. I struggle with anger and I love what I have gained. I am sure it is a book I will listen to many times in order to grasp the concepts. It isn’t a book with steps, it just teaches the meaning and why we should listen and ways to manage. Really helps with self awareness and why we react the way we do and how to make changes and use anger to our advantage for positive change. Total time walking 7 hours Total distance: 16.1 miles Money spent: 50 euro

  Day 11: We started a bit later than usual. Last night I got a good night’s sleep which was a first for me. The discomfort is getting better so sleeping is a bit easier. Plus there was only 4 of us in the room. Just the night before there was 26 people in a room which made it impossible to sleep. Today we hiked up a mountain which made for a long day. At lunch it was the 3 of us but by the end we had invited 3 others to join us. 2 of them ended up at the alburgue where we are sleeping tonight. I walked down the mountain with Hazy, a young adult from Hungary. He is 21 and learned a lot about life already. He suffers from addictive personality and is out here to heal. We had a lot of the same views on what life is about. He has a lot to overcome but his story is really amazing. His budget is 15 a day. He liked the Wolfpack so much he decided to cut his day short and stay. He spent 10 of his budget on the accommodation so that says so much about the people I am with. I also met up with Til, he is actually staying in the same room. This is the guy that put tape on my knee. It is small gestures like this that mean the world while being out here. Everyone is feeling something. Knees, back, shoulders, and the big one feet. Tomorrow I get up and walk, once I finish my day, I get a rest. I am so excited. It is a reward I have been looking forward to for days. I don’t know if I will leave the hotel room except to eat, of course. I amaze myself every day and have the amazing people out here with me to thank. It is days like today that put this all into perspective. Hard but ultra rewarding with good company. Tomorrow I move forward with so much to look forward to, like a bath! Total distance: 19.6 Total time: 8 hours Total money spent: 36 euro

  Day 12: The day started like most. The weather was good. The path was not however. Rocks. At this point I pay attention to the type of trail I am walking because my feet are so sensitive. I like the pavement or dirt most. Rocks and I are just not getting along at this point. When it came to a option of what way to take: longer more scenic or shorter through the industrial area, I picked the shorter route. Still did 15 miles today though. I knew once I made it through the day, I would be in for a treat. A bath!! That kept me going. Well that and a McDonald’s ice cream. I told Ramon as we were walking, you can take the girl out of the USA but you can’t take the USA out of the girl. My excuse was that I woke up with a bit of a sore throat and the ice cream was to soothe it but really I just wanted some ice cream and oreos. As we were walking Hazy came running up to us. He had spent his morning trying to catch up to us. We left before he did and he took the more scenic route. He asked around for us and when he learned we took the short route, he had some ground to make up. It was nice to get a chat with him before he carried on another 12+ miles for the day. Stopped at the pharmacy for some more supplies. They sell 600mg of ibuprofen here in Spain. Ramon calls that my m&ms. When we were about 500 yards from the hotel we saw a taco place! My face lit up and I knew where I would be going for my next meal. It was a great motivation to finish out the walk to the hotel. Eric also came to the hotel and so that means the 4 of us are back together but it seems only for the night. Tomorrow Eric is headed forward while we stay behind for our rest day. Looking forward to a day of school work and multiple baths. I plan to do the least amount of physical work possible tomorrow. I am over walking, for now.

Total time: 6 hours Total distance: 15.2 Money Spent: 55

Day 13: Rest day! I woke up early like most days, probably around 5am. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I sent out a few e-mails and worked on my school. Eric moved on this morning but my energy was so low I didn’t go see him at coffee. We will meet up with him later in the trip as we get stronger and can do better distances. I did take a mid morning nap and bath. Went back for another taco around one! Upon return, I found the Boomerang family in the lobby of our hotel. They said the wind was horrible today and there was rain and sleet too. I would say we picked a good day to skip. My body is shutting down. I am running a slight fever and my lymph nodes are swollen. I could tell yesterday I was getting something that started with a sore throat. Matty wasn’t available today which made me really sad because I just wanted some comforting. I had a dissertation meeting this evening with my adviser and she did not go through my stuff even though I turned it in 2 weeks ago. She was blown away by the fact I had worked on Chapter 3 already. Philipp sent me a message that they were going to dinner while I was on my call. When I read it after my call, I had another break down. I wanted so bad to go but knew it was best I stay put in bed. Physically I just want my body to do what I want. However, I know I am probably pushing myself too hard and might need to slow down. Funny how life reminds of that at times. I think since Philipp messaged me, I assumed I was free and clear to have a good cry. That was not the case. Ramon came back to the room to check on me and show me the cathedral stamp. These 2 guys really are my Camino angels. He let me rant, comforted me that it was going to be ok, then offered to bring me back some food. I knew they were going to eat steak and as much as I would LOVE a good steak, I don’t have the appetite to eat, so I declined. He wasn’t having it and told me I had to eat something since my only food today was a taco. I agreed to his suggestion of a soup. He left for dinner and I pulled myself together and managed to take another bath. It is 8pm and I am in bed with hope that tomorrow I wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world.

This picture was taken a few days ago by Eric but I took no pictures today so I thought I would share the wolfpack.

  Day 14: Wind, cold, & rain. That is how I would describe the walk today. But the wolfpack is on the move. I got to walk by the Burgos cathedral this morning on our way out of town. I thought I missed it from laying in the hotel room but there it was in all the glory. I look at these things and I can’t help but to feel, what a huge waste of money. What that thing must have cost at the time and for the expense of what? It is crazy to think about and just gets me going. I definitely don’t like going in them. Creepy. Anyway, more headwinds only this time it was much colder and with added bits of rain. We got the job done though and arrived pretty early due to the short distance. I was reunited with walking with my bag. The last few days I had it shipped forward so I could recover. However today, I took it on our adventure. Not sure if it was a good idea with the wind. My pace was strong though. But I came down with a mild cold. The sore throat and mild fever should have been a warning yesterday. I did make it to dinner this evening which was nice. Now it is almost 9 and I am in bed. Last night I got about 10 hours of sleep so I am hoping for good results tonight as well.

Bad news today… I got an email from my boss saying I wouldn’t get a full time position next school year. Their needs are accounting and lawyers. I graduate this year so not sure what is going to happen now. I need a few days to process the disappointment.

Total time: 4.5 hours Total distance: 13 miles Money spent: 26 euro

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Week 1 on the Camino

Day 1: So today started out at 7am. At least the walking. I started by myself but quickly had someone on my heels. He stayed there till I sat to switch shoes. A German guy who asked if everything was ok. I started out in hiking shoes today and about 1 hour in, realized I needed to switch to runners. I skipped breakfast where I was staying because it was bread and jam. My attempt to be “healthy”. So I stopped at the first store and grabbed and apple, cheese, and corn-nuts. The last two items I never did eat. Yet. As I came out of the store, another pilgrim was approaching but I stopped to wash my apple and fill my water bottle. He stopped to have a chat and we ended up walking for miles and miles together. I learned about Ian. A guy in his 60’s (this is important later) who was from Scotland but lived in New Zealand for 26 years. His wife was a professor so we had a bit to chat about. A lot actually. We talked and the time went by so fast. Ian almost missed the signs a few times but luckily he had me to correct him. First clue. Anyway, we got to a village called Valcarlos which could have been a stopping point almost half way but it was only 10 and we felt so good. We didn’t even stop for a drink. Wrong choice. Ian didn’t bring water and I had my bottle so I shared with him over the next few miles. We chatted and everything was great. Till the 4.8km left mark. It started to get muddy and I was in my runners. Ian decided my caution of slipping was too slow for his taste. Which honestly I couldn’t blame him. So he went on ahead. Yes, I got left in the dust by someone twice my age. He was killing it. I decided to switch back into my hiking shoes but with no where to sit, I plopped myself on a cold wet stone. It was plenty of snow and mud at this point and I feared my runners just weren’t good for the job. I passed through the mud. Quickly to learn that was the easy part. All while thinking how crazy the amount of mud there was and how my shoes were so heavy. Little niave to what was ahead. When the sign said 4.8km I was expecting just over 1 hour and I would be to my resting spot by noon. Perfect for lunch. Boy was I wrong. Snow is the culprit. As I climbed, the deeper the snow got. At some points as high as my knees. I made pace with a Korean family where they would pass me and me them but eventually they would leave me behind. My lower back was on fire. Surely it was the 2lbs extra I decided to pack last minute. Not to mention I was walking through ankle high snow and eventually I couldn’t walk 25 yards. I ended up being passed 2 more times. At one point 3 American ladies hollered at me from the road asking if I wanted to join them. My stubbornness prevented me from doing the better thing. I kept going through the snow and slowed to a snail’s pace. I was born to do the Camino though. Never can I take the high road. My feet soaked and pissed at myself I thought about what if I just sit in the snow? Would someone walk past and help carry my bag? At this point it was no longer a walk but a march, lifting my knees high trying to step where previous pilgrims had gone. I eventually made it to a point that turned left to stay on the route or right to go to the road. So in all of this what did I learn? Stubbornness took me left. Again!!! I got 100 yards and realized I would soon be hip deep in snow. So I turned back around and took the road the last 15 minutes to the town where I would be staying. First stop, a beer. Before finding my final rest place I needed calories and water. Beer was perfect. Once here the lady tried to overcharge me by 2 euro for dinner but got that worked out. The place is nice and my bunk-mate is American. You don’t get to pick your bed, it is all how your arrive. I thought for sure I was near the back of the pack but more like the middle. I did my chores which is shower and hand washing my clothes. I then decided to go for wine and invited my new friend Ian and 2 other guys he was chatting with. We went for a bottle and dinner. I lasted through the meal but left abruptly because all I really wanted after wine and food was a bed. It was a day that I am not sure how I did it. Also not sure why because today was insane. However the hard part they say is over. Yet today was great weather and tomorrow the prediction is rain. I don’t have blisters. I swore I would because my feet got so wet. I climbed a mountain today!!! So all is good with a good night rest, I hope. Walked- 17.7 miles (over the mountain) Total time walking: 8 hours Spent- 28.50euro

  Day 2: Woke up at 3am but around 4 I fell back asleep. My sleeping is horrible. I left at 7am again today. With a blister unfortunately. I was quick to judge last night because I woke up with a blister this morning. A beautiful sunrise as you will see in the photos. I walked and walked with no breakfast. I did watch a lady fall on the ice behind me as I changed shoes. The first 3 miles was so much snow and ice. Another morning of marching, if you can call it that. If you have ever walked in sand, this is that times 1000x. So much ice too. So the first bit was no fun. Ian went for breakfast and caught up to me. At his pace we caught up to another group. That was of course after watching a fox in the snow. I ended up at the back of the group with a Brazilian. Ramon (pronounced with an H not R) is his name and he is an environmental engineer. Our group walked together to the “midway” point. I say that because we ended up having to walk our happy asses onward later. When we got to our stopping point for the day, we found the alburgue (pilgrim hostel) was closed. Fortunately my little Camino family, because that is what we are to this point and have gathered for dinner each night, also decided to move forward. It was Ramon and I and he was so patient. I ended up with a crazy blister so I limped. Changing shoes from my runners to my hikers. Always at the wrong point. After we got to what we thought would be our stopping, we walked on another 4 miles almost. It was so worth it. We met the most amazing shop owner. The kind of place you get a cup of wine as soon as you enter. Then food after being there for 2 minutes. You can see the festive moments in the pics. So we celebrated in good fashion. After returning to where we would stay for the night, I somehow talked the guys into stretching. They were good sports. Out of the 14 people staying here I am 1 of 2 girls. The pilgrim meal was good. First time for vegetables in a minestrone soup. I am not eating bread or pasta nor sweets. Beer and wine are the bad things I am not giving up. We get wine with all of our meals so a plus for sure. One of the guys played music and sang after dinner. Minus the brutal morning and the blister, today was great. Off to Pamplona tomorrow…. Probably taking a rest day the following day. Not sure how I can walk tomorrow. Total distance: 21.4 miles Total spent: 33:50  euro Time walking: 7 hours Gentle reminder: Fight all the hatred in the world with love.

  Day 3: Today I didn’t wake up till close to 7. Ramon and I agreed to walk at 7:30. Perfect. I don’t have an alarm and as pilgrims we know if we don’t make it, that is ok. But made it. Today Ramon and I got joined by Martin (Austrian) and Eric (Netherlands). It was an easy walk. On a scale, day 1 is 5 of 5, day 2 is 3 of 5 and today was 1 of 5. However, I ended up with my second blister. Martin and Eric were on mission for breakfast and coffee. Eventually they gave in and ate what I had bought the previous day. Banana, raisins, yogurt, cornnuts (from day 1), and cheese (also day 1). Eventually we did find coffee but it was sclose to 11. It was a short and easy day but the blisters are a real thing. A force I struggle with. See, out here you walk with people for so many hours, you form a bond. They call it the Camino family. I am scared that tomorrow I can not walk because of my feet but my family goes on… So, I have a choice to make in the AM. We will save that for tomorrow. Tonight we are staying in a German albergue. Upon arrival I learned that there is an American here who is hurt. I guess the snow put some people down. An Italian guy also arrived and is hurt. They have tendonitis which thankfully I am not dealing with. Yet. So of course I ended up at dinner with a Texan, Italian, 2 Germans and me. I again have only seen 1 other girl staying here. One interesting observation I have made is 90% of the people walking, have significant others. Some with children back home. Today was my first time seeing a couple team which is the only female I have seen here today. The injuries are setting back some people for days. Makes me sad to think the people I have shared dinner or time with, no matter how brief, might be gone tomorrow if I stay behind. As you will see in the pics, we help each other. The German (Dominic) offered to walk with me and carry me if needed because he is well…”German” and he said that is what Germans do. They get the job done. Pretty sure he is my favorite German to this point. He speaks very little English but he always listens and I think he knows more than he leads on. Plus he said f@&k Germany after 2 glasses of wine and not because I was complaining about them (which I have been know to do). I equate them to east coast, cold and rude at times. Not always but most of the time. Give them alcohol and they party. They are the best at that! Anyway, I am broken now due to good sized blisters one on each foot. The weather is in my favor as I walked through little rain today. The people are the best. My kind of people. I belong here. I have told my story a few times in hopes to inspire and people have so many questions. Some hard to answer. Today Martin asked about siblings and how many I have and if I am close to them. That broke out my background and it the first time I had someone try to dig deep. We also learned over lunch he is a type A. So tomorrow I want to keep walking but for now I sleep. Tonight we got in trouble thanks to the time changing because there is a 10pm curfew. The time shouldn’t change technically change till midnight but I am at a German albergue and we know how Germans are… hehe…. Go KSU!!!! Total distance: 14.5 Money spent: 22 euro Time walking: 5 hours or so…

  Day 4: Good News… I walked today. Last night my fear was I would not be able to move forward today. However, when I woke up I felt good enough so I left Pamplona. Today we set off about 7:30am. Yesterday there was 4 of us but we grew by 1 as one of the Germans decided to join us Philip. Plip was the German that asked me on day one if I was ok while I changed my shoes. Today was a big climb and going down was tough on my blisters. Great weather though! Little rain and just some mud so we are out of the snow. As you will see from my coffee shop picture on breaks, we tend to our feet. It is normal here and even had to help Martin (Austrian) to put on his blister cover. If you hate feet, this is not the place for you. People flash them everywhere and obsessively talk about them. They are the key to survival. I have no more blisters today. Thankfully!! The nice thing about the group is the rotation. You will walk with 1 person for a bit, then someone else, then maybe alone, then a group. It was constantly changing and makes for interesting conversation and the time goes by quick. Today while I walked alone I listened to the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a f#&k”. I highly recommend it and I am only 4 chapters in. We reached a famous spot today that shows the pilgrims walking. If you have ever seen the movie “The Way” you will know the spot. If not, check the pics I will post. The views from the top were worth the climb. It feels nice to have a tribe where we look after each other. Share stories, share Band-Aids, muscle cream, water, food, and the sorts. When we got to the place we are staying, then 5 of us take up a room of 8 people. The other 3 are individuals and 2 are girls! Finally more girls. My guys are pretty cool. We started together and ended the day together. Although my body hates me, my heart is full.  My stomach, not so much. We went to restaurant and was served frozen meals. We watched the lady carry the food frozen and watched her pop it into the oven/microwave. Such a disappointment but now a running joke between us.  To top it off, a friend back in Italy sent me pics of Bansko playing with her dogs. First update we have had on him in 6+ months. So glad to see the pup we rescued happy and that we have good friends to share the update with us of tons of pics. Total time: 8 hours Total distance: 17 miles Money spent: $30

  Day 5: We got up pretty late today and didn’t hit the road till around 8am. Man down!!! We had to leave Martin behind. Due to injury of blisters and knee hurting, he opted for a rest day. We started out walking in some rain but the weather got better as we went on. It is now the 4 of us, Ramon (Brazilian), Eric (Netherlands), Philip (German) and Me. Funny thing, Philip is the first guy I met on the first day that asked me if I was ok while changing my shoes. At the time, I didn’t know how to respond or what so I didn’t even try to talk to him. We walked through what I would call rolling hills, not really mountains like day 1. My blisters are ok but my feet feel like they are on fire at times, at least on the ball where the blister is located) I had to stop at the pharmacy and get some supplies. My objective is to try to walk normal so that I don’t hurt myself more. So I take plenty of ibuprofen. Every day I have been playing the 500 mile song. It has become a tradition and even got the guys singing along. I ran into the American girl I had met on night 1 with like 10 blisters. She was still making it along. For lunch we stopped and had some soup and met a girl from Sweden who recommended a alburgue that offered yoga and massages. The guys were sold! I was sold too because it was closer and my blisters are killer. However, day by day they are getting better and better. When I first start walking I want to scream so loud! The whole stop go thing isn’t so great for my feet. I keep truckin’ though and having a great time. We met an Australian family (mom, dad, daughter) and told them about the alburgue. They showed up at the place where we are staying also. I had to get some work done so I hid away in the room for the afternoon. Philip shared with us an amazing story about why he was doing the trip. His best friend passed away 10 years ago and his friend really wanted to walk the Camino, so he is doing this in memory of him. Such a special story. The dinner was amazing.  Paella and chorizo was so amazing. Best meal we have had to this point.

Total time: 6 1/2 hours Total distance: 12 miles Money spent: 54 euro (pharmacy supplies were 25) 

  Day 6: We hit the road at 7:30am. Again it was the four of us. Ramon calls us the wolf pack. A few miles in, we stopped at a store and grabbed stuff for a picnic. We knew that today was the day of the wine fountain so we wanted to come prepared. Yes, you read that right. A wine fountain and the best part?! It was free. To be honest though, it wasn’t that great. However, we had our picnic with a bottle of wine that we brought from the night before that we didn’t finish. So we made a small breakfast spread of wine, cheese, and chorizo. Nothing like getting a party started at 10am. Today I put in my earbuds and was set to just walk alone. That I did. One of the parts of the Camino is a reflection. I listened to my book and some music. However, I spent my day walking in reflection. The rest of the group seemed to do the same. Philip walked ahead most of the day and then we would find him waiting for us. On our stops we would interact but the walking part was done mostly alone today. Matty received some information from his job pressuring him to sign a new contract so I could tell he was struggling. So during one of our breaks, I called him to encourage him. Shortly after, I received news that our apartment would no longer be available past our May contract. So we will be moving apartments again soon. We stopped at a bar food truck area made for pilgrims and had the best orange juice of my life! Upon arrival to the place we are staying, I took off my compeed from my blisters. It was the first time I have uncovered them since getting them. The guys were blown away that I walked. You will see in the pics of why. Philip said that they aren’t even blisters, they deserve a category of their own. Ramon said anytime something happens, like losing a finger, he will remember me and carry on and that I impress him more and more every day. Eric called me iron woman and they all agreed to carry my bag tomorrow. Of course my stubbornness won’t let that happen. They are clean and no infection so that is a huge plus. Every day we meet people who can’t carry on or they are recovering so they can, so I am so thankful.

Total time: 7 hours Total distance: 16 miles Money spent: 39 euro

  Day 7: We reached the one week mark today! Left at 7:30 with beautiful weather and a great forecast. Today we were much more interactive. Met up with the Australians multiple times who have earned the name boomerang for the reason you can imagine. Claire (daughter) ended up having to take a bus forward. We walked far today. The road felt like it keep going forever. My bag felt like someone was pushing down on it once we got closer to the end. We have the same distance tomorrow. In fact, I was so into the process today, I didn’t take but 1 picture before getting to the city. I can finally walk without feeling so much physical pain that it is all I can focus on. So today I enjoyed the walk. I walked with Philip mostly today and we had wonderful conversations about life. Everyone is here on the Camino for their reasons and sometimes it is nice to just have a real conversation about it all. Eric is full of great advice too. He overheard some and put in his bits of wisdom. To put a cherry on top of our day, it was amazing food. Matty asked the other day why I don’t talk about food. I haven’t had much of a reason till now. As you will see from the photos, we are all considering skipping the rest and staying here to get fat. I only kid. Somewhat… It was a great day for food and friends. And some walking. Only for the distance I am not look forward to tomorrow.

Time walking: 8 1/2 hours Total distance: 19.23 Total spent: 48 euro (but I owe 10 more to the group)

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Packing List for Camino

I leave tomorrow morning for the Camino! I am nervous and excited. Mostly nervous because of the weather forecast. I have typed out a packing list with some photos. Also added a 2 minute vlog.

Bags

1-40L Gonex Backpack (with laptop sleeve)

1- Passport/wallet body sling

1- Sleeping Bag

3- Mesh bags

1- Day pack compressed 20L

    Electronics

1- Lenovo Yoga (with power cord)

1- Huawei Mate9 (Phone/Camera/Wallet)

1- Samsung S5 (Music/Audiobooks/GPS)

1- Battery pack

1- Phone Charger

1- Headlamp

1- Earbuds

Clothes

1- Waterproof jacket XL (fit over backpack) Gore-tex

1-Ball cap

1- Buff

1- Set light gloves

1- Tank top

1- Long sleeve shirt

1- Running sock

2- T shirt

2- Sport bra

3- Wool socks

3- Panties

  Shoes

1- Flip Flop

1- Runners

1- Keen hiking shoe

Toiletries

1-Toothpaste (travel size)

1- Toothbrush

1- Deodorant (travel size)

1-Spray in Conditioner (travel size)

1- Laundry Soap (travel size)

1- Waterproof mascara

1- Lipgloss

1- Purple hair color

1- Tissue pack (travel size)

1- Comb

1- Athletic tape (cut small size)

1- Lavender Massage oil (travel size)

1- Vaseline (travel size)

1- Rejuvenating skin balm (travel size)

1-First aid kit (sew kit, toe nail clippers, band-aids, compeed, hand sanitize)

1- Contact solution (travel size)

1- Contact case

2- Toilet paper (travel size)

2-Chapstix

2- J.R. Liggett Bar Shampoo

2- Body Glide (Foot)

4- Ear plugs

4- Tampons

Meds

Extra

1- Waterbottle

6- Rocks

Special shout out to Lori, Donna, Evelyn (I have the BEST cousins!!!) Cathy (my Dallas ‘mom’ who shares my love for bacon) Darlene (my awesome walking partner the last few months) and Matty (the best support system I could EVER ask for). You ROCK!!!!!!

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I Don't Have the Answers

Well… I leave in a week for my 500 mile journey.

The unknown is terrifying and we want to control so many aspects of our life. If there is one thing I have learned it is that life is uncontrollable. This trip is about focusing on life. I recently was back in the US and received the questions “why? why would you want to travel that far and leave the comfort of home?”,  “if you’re not religious, why would you do it?” and “what are your expectations for it?” I wasn’t really prepared to answer those questions so I am sure, at the time, that I fumbled through an answer because I didn’t know. This reminds me of a lyrics from a song I LOVE right now called: I Don’t Have the Answers by We Are Messengers

I don’t have the answers, and maybe that’s okay But we can search together, I’m not running away And it’s okay to feel, the way that you do And when you reach the end of yourself, I’ll be there too

I reached out on Facebook and asked my people what questions they had. I wanted to vlog it and here is what I put together

Matty and I had a talk yesterday. I think one of his points of his emphasis about me is that: the point at which most people would give up and quit, is the point that I push myself harder to be better. Tenacity.  Our struggles teach as at the other end of our pain, is growth. This is about making the most of an opportunity. This is about bettering myself and enriching the lives of others. I make the choice to live life and not just exist in the world.

 Only one week away!

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The Way - Camino de Santiago

It is a pilgrimage that I plan to take in exactly 1 month from today. A trip of 500 miles across the north of Spain. The Way is known as the Camino de Santiago. It is a walk that will take me around 30 days. There are no rules about how far I must walk every day or at what pace I must go. The trail is well marked and will be directing me to my physical destination. It is also well supported as more than 300,000 people do this annually. So I will take each day as it comes. The only thing I have planned is my flight there and when I need to be back home.

It is a personal journey about finding myself. Time to reflect about my life.

You see, as adventurous as my life my may seem from an outsiders perspective based on my Facebook feed, that doesn’t mean it is my day to day reality. I truly am happy in the “big picture” but I have some things to work out. The truth is, I struggle. I am angry at the world and more importantly myself. I need to find a way to channel these emotions productively. I had a rough childhood and many life disappointments. We all have right? The biggest disappointments, are of my own doings. Somehow, I need to let go.

I set high expectations for myself and sometimes they are exhausting to live up to. Yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Just one example is…. I am dealing with an aging parent and I find myself lost at what to do. I go home next week to assess knowing it will shatter me inside. My dad has Parkinsons and needs my support. However, I live halfway across the world in Italy. I don’t want to move home and honestly that makes me feel like an incredibly selfish person. It is much more complex. My parents divorced not that long ago and I am sure he feels alone and afraid. I justify myself by telling myself I offered to move him here with me and he declined. I also justify myself because he is my step father who came into my world at a young age and I feel he abandoned me the day he let me go into foster care. However, that was something I have worked my life at forgiving him (and others) and I feel a deep pull to take care of him and make sure his time left is quality.

The question remains is how? How do I do it without giving up things I have worked towards and want? I have been working years on my doctorate and I just applied for a full time professor. This has been the goal Matty and I have been working on together and I am not ready to give it up. It is a war inside of me and I don’t have the solution.

The battle doesn’t end there….I was angry as a child and when I became an adult, the only way I knew how to handle this was through channeling that energy into striving for success and happiness in life. To prove everyone wrong about who they thought I would be and I did. However, Sean’s suicide threw ALL of that out of the window because success to societies standard no longer meant happiness for me. So it was back to the anger and disappointment and grief. No matter what you have been through in life, some things just slap you straight back to the start line. Every day I find a piece of the old me and I am slowly repairing and fixing trying to mend myself into something I can be proud of and to stop caring what other people think. It is a battle and an upward climb all at once. There are times that I have huge setbacks that cause me to pick up even more broken pieces of myself. Even though it has been slow and I am angry at myself for the recovery, I find that I am building something even more beautiful than I ever could have dreamed. You see, picking up the pieces gives me a chance to see something new, something different that I didn’t see before and constructing myself with new parts that I never knew existed till I explored what the world had to offer me. So this journey is a part of picking up the old pieces and finding the new and building something better.

Without a place to stay or a even any kind of plan in place doubt creeps in and I wonder can I do it? Will I even finish? Should I go at this alone or find someone to join? Should I plan better? I know no matter my doubt, no matter the pain, if I get lost or get a blister, this is a journey that is calling me. Wherever happens, happens and I will deal. My life has never gone as planned and I have embraced the world of the unknown.

In thinking now, I have planned some…..I did buy a backpack and some items to take such as shampoo bar (yes, like soap) and body/foot glide. I have read books about other people’s journey. I have even watched movies. I will have 2-3 outfits, some walking shoes, and flip flops. I have learned in life (and read on numerous websites about the trip) that less is more. I find that low count of material possessions liberates my heart and mind to focus my energy on my thoughts and feelings which is something I REALLY need to do.

So here are some of my whys:

To start the day, not knowing where it will take me.

For the journey.

For the adventure.

To find myself.

and maybe….to lose myself.

To meet other people of all ages/nationalities/backgrounds.

To be immersed into history and a culture.

To get physically fit.

Emotions- For the laughs… and the tears.

To experience kindness from strangers.

To be the kindness of a stranger.

Because wine.

To feel alive.

To live another life, even if it is just for a while.

For the stories.

To be selfish.

Because people & love.

Here is what I have so far…… minus my laptop that I have to take so that I can continue to write my dissertation and graduate as planned. I also hope to use it to send out updates on my journey.

So please stay tuned…..

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Buen Camino

For another perspective on The Way, you can watch the trailer below.

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Summer Travel 2017

Over the summer, Matty and I traveled to a number of places including: Romania, Macedonia, Kenya, Malta, and Greece. I hope that my travels inspire others to explore the world. With all the “bad” the media exposes us too, I think it is important to see the beauty.

Travel broadens my mind. I get to share new experiences with others. I get to see how the people of the world live. To see the similarity and the differences of the culture that I was born in.

The logistics is always an experience. Where do you get money? What is the language? What will be my mode of transportation? All of things are a challenge at first but it gets easier and gives me confidence. If I can land in Bangkok and get myself to the city center and find a place to stay, to remain vigilant and not get ripped off yet keeping my sense of humor with the ability to allow myself mistakes, I can go anywhere in the world and just figure it out.

Learning what is important and has value. My life isn’t complicated by material things. There is not much we really NEED. In a society where we are taught to be consumers, I don’t spend my time buying into that. I enjoy laughter, love, and my happiness and guess what? That is free and takes up no space which means I am not weighed down by it all.

“We travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us.” – Anonymous

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Friends & Family Come to Italy

Matty and I invited our friends and family to come to Italy. We rented the villa and transportation and I planned out the activities. We had 17 people total over 16 days in 4 places. First we were in Venice where we toured the canals. We then went to Tuscany where we learned to cook Italian food, rode Vespas, visited Cinque Terre, Leaning tower, Florence and went swimming. Next stop was Rome where the temperatures reached 106. We toured around the city and celebrated birthdays. After Rome, we spent 3 nights sailing around Capri. Then we spent the last days resting in Sorrento and viewing the Amalfi Coast. It was amazing to share a little of what we do with special people in our lives. Here are some pics from our time together.

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Flight to/from Bangkok $82- Travel Hacking

Recently I have been getting questions about travel hacking so I thought I would give an example of flights I booked. I am headed to SE Asia in the fall and booked a tickets from the US to Bangkok-United, then Bangkok back to London-American Airlines (where I will be living). The total of these flights were $81.80. Yes, you read that right!!!

Again, the total is $81.80 but here is the proof:

So how do I do it. First, it starts with opening credit cards and being responsible. Credit card companies offer flight/hotel bonuses.

Example: United

Their branded credit card through Chase gives you 40,000 miles when you spend $2k in 3 months. So you spend that amount, PAY IT OFF IMMEDIATELY (this is the responsible part) and have a one way ticket to just about anywhere United flies. Do this with multiple cards, including branded hotel cards, and you now have a very cheap vacation anywhere in the world.

To keep track of all my cards and spending I use a website called mint my Intuit: https://www.mint.com/ There I can log into 1 portal and see all my accounts.

There is a whole society of people out there that do “travel hacking” so if you are interested, I suggest you google it. Here are a few of my favorite sites to get you started:

http://www.flyertalk.com/

http://www.pointswithacrew.com/

https://travelhacking.org/

Here is a site that shows you good flight deals:

http://www.secretflying.com/

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South Africa

Matty and I went from Joburg to Cape Town on an EPIC adventure. Daddo mat with us for a week in the bush aka Kruger National Park where we did a self drive safari. From there we drove the Garden Route to Cape  Town. We went bungee jumping, diving with sharks, took a wine tram, and explored what the country had to offer. Here are a few photos. I have added at the bottom a few websites I recommend for anyone planning a trip.

  Here are a few links to websites I recommend for anyone planning a trip to South Africa

Kruger- stay inside the park at the camps like the locals.  The camps we stayed at were: Berg en Dal (good for large animals such as elephants and rhinos and LOTS), Skakuza (largest park with nice facilities and good restaurant), Lower Sabie (good for seeing cats).  Each place I recommend you should do 2 nights each. Also, we heard Satara is good for cats however we didn’t stay there.  https://www.sanparks.org/

Bungee Jumping tallest commercial bridge- https://www.faceadrenalin.com/

Shark Cage Diving- http://www.whitesharkafrica.com/home.html

Wine Tram- http://winetram.co.za/