lifeinupsidedown

[lifeinupsidedown]

I don't think it's so bad living like this. Sometimes, I'm happy. But sometimes, it feels like I'm trapped. I go around a wall to exit, but there's another one. Then another one... I think maybe there was no exit from the start and get angry. Then I realize, it's actually all my fault. Others found the way out, but I don't have the skills to. So I fell behind. Why am I a mess like this?

Kim Ji Young, Born 1982

[lifeinupsidedown]

Every year around this time, it says hello and asks me, “Are you doing well, just like me?” And this is what I say, “Yes. I’m alive and well.” It’s not “I’m living my life well.” My answer is always “I’m alive.” - Temperature of Love 5/16/20

[lifeinupsidedown]

I’m a good driver now.

[lifeinupsidedown]

“I have never found anybody who could stand to accept the daily demonstrative love I feel in me, and give back as good as I give.”

—

[lifeinupsidedown]

“The best conversations are the ones where you don’t have to worry about what you have to say. You can just be you.”

— (via inspiredbyfashionxo)

[lifeinupsidedown]

Finale of a decade.

A year-ender note.

2019 has been a roller coaster of emotions. I travelled so much. On bad days, I would think it was a waste of a year in a way. The main title to prove the point of this blog: A LIFE IN UPSIDE DOWN.

anxiety.

Just as I am fulfilling the life of a wanderer, people didn’t know there’s a lot of anxieties to deal with. Every trip requires answer to one thought, one what if, one maybe, one how, one should have. I just need one thing to make it through.

Hoping I would get answer in every destination I go, every adventure and experience I did. Some places fulfilled me, some just got even worse haha.

In between thoughts is a little side trip from the past and future. A little hi from the past, a hello from the unpredictable tomorrow and a sudden how are you from the present. Too much crying, til there’s no crying left.

Constantly dealing with broken dreams was too much for me to take. Had a number of breakdowns because of this one. Knowing you still can’t do anything to it. I admire people who bravely faced their realities and the ones who took a leap to alter their current situations.

Its and bits of my past popped up from time to time. Thought it’d be a good way to reminisce but no. Most of it ended in failed closure.

I used to think it can be solved with the famous “chop your hair” technique. Magpagupit kalang, mawawala problema mo, they said.

Nagpagupit? Ay nakamove on na. Haircut can signal an end of an emotional breakdown or a sign of the worst times, there’s no in between. HAIRCUT, I’ve had a lot of that this year.

Part of the anxiety is me being the irrelevant one. I may be part of a number of friend groups, but I will always be the option. It is okay even if my presence is not around in the group. Quite opposite of my specialty, making plans is forte of mine but never the part where I have to interact with people.

Time came where I promised myself to stop making plans and just let it be.

I also realized that being part of a crowd became toxic for me. Small talks doesn’t interest me anymore. I’m the type who would dig answers to whys. The reason why someone did something, what made it decide to this and that, about the long emotional journey of life. I would go for long conversations with someone but not with everyone. Too much small talks stress me out and my mind screams to escape and get out.

If you know someone dealing with anxieties, talk to them. And when I say talk, I mean to listen and understand what they were anxious about.

travel.

Well, I’ve been to a lot of places this year. A life of a wanderlust. There will be always a longing of getting into places you’ve never been before.

a few, I’ve been back and forth. Each is better than before.

7 times Baguio, 4 times Atok - basically travelled the north a lot of times. Currently fighting the cold in Atok while typing these things! (when in fact I was here just 2 weeks ago!!!) 😆

Discovering new places became a natural thing to do. Went over the islands and it’s beautiful beaches, lagoons, mountains, volcanoes, falls, lots of fields and everything in between. It felt like it just never ends. To breathe when it gets hard, to appreciate the natural wonders and progress of humans in every aspect.

Many hellos and goodbyes of sun have passed but I still long for the golden hour. Catching sunrises and sunsets will never be off my bucket list, that’s for sure.

Traveling has ways of healing a person. We travel for hours, walking and doing things we never usually do just to be ourselves without any distractions (work).

City by city, the joy is in getting in the places on your own. Province by province, the excitement of going to a place only a few people have been to. To have the place on your own, and your own time to kill.

.

I watched other people, confidently faced reality *I cannot stress this enough*, fulfilling what I was supposed to do (career and spiritual things). I got into a major crash. I went to a concert alone! I pushed myself in other people, hoping they would help fill the hole in my life. I went abroad, hoping it heal me (but, no.) I traveled a another country solo (a least in an airport!), lots of food trips, I watched my favorite band play.

Travel and life experiences, I am and will always look forward for the times where songs felt like reality, where every line of the lyrics felt surreal.

That’s how you keep moving, you have to look forward for something.

I bid goodbye to all of the happy moments I felt, to all the heartaches and heartbreaks. I hope, that in 2020 I’ll be okay.

“You have never asked for much. All you want is a simple life, full of love and contentment. many people rely on you and you are often under stress. The tears you cried in the past are now just a memory, now it’s time for all your hard efforts to be rewarded. You can expect a lot of happiness.” - 12/2/19

Paalam sa mga pinagsisihan, sa aking nadarama, kaya ko na ng wala ka.

Paalam sa mga pangakong naiwanan. At sa wakas ay kakalimutan - 12/31

[lifeinupsidedown]

Why I avoid endings. 

It’s the end of the year. I’m pretty sure everyone has a need for a brand new start, even Netflix, getting tired of old classic shows, bidding goodbye to FRIENDS this 2019 huhu. 

However, I’m not a fan of finales or grand endings. In fact, I keep delaying it and stay away as much as I can. Ayoko ng closure. I have a fear of not being able to move on after a thing reaches its end. Even with people. My name’s got a bad reputation when it comes to parting ways with people. I got no proper goodbye with people. 

Speaking of FRIENDS, I haven’t watch the last episode and it’s almost end of December. Pinanood ko na, first 30 minutes!

I start watching a new series to avoid the ending of the other. Until it got a point where I reached a number of unfinished series with episode 16 the only thing I still haven’t watched yet.

She Was Pretty - *write reference*

Fight For My Way -

FRIENDS - mapipilitan talaga akong i-end eh. 

DOTS - where u at Ep 16

Her Private Life - chopped Episode 15 on different days, Ep 16

Touch Your Heart - chopped Ep 15, Ep 16

AVOID ENDINGS. AVOID ENDINGS.

My heart breaks everytime I reach to a finale.

I just noticed, they’re all romcoms. ROMCOMS are for the romantics. In my case, a hopeless romantic...by choice?

This is the genre you should avoid, if you don’t want to end up like me. Parting with the characters is like letting go of people. When people leave, what do you do? Do you move on, how can you move without them? Who’s gonna be with you when they’re gone?

I write this and realized I’m so attached with everything. Aigoo. It’s just a fiction dude. Crying over fiction and one sided infatuation 😂

[lifeinupsidedown]

April 1 - the day of fools

I had an intense roller coaster ride throughout the day. 

Here’s the thing. I liked someone. He’s really nice. I met someone who made me smile again. I thought I already found him. I thought I was ready, but no. 

I was ready to respond, but then reality hit me. I’m still lost...

Last night, I cried. I cried alone. This was the first time I did in months. This was the first time this year. 

It was about my career. It was about the two of them. I really want to help them, but I can’t. It really breaks your heart when you can’t do anything to help. Feeling helpless and all.

[lifeinupsidedown]

Episode 4 - Descendants of the Sun

Where do you get happiness? I’d say k-drama.

I never thought I’d be the one to get hooked on series.

Meteor Garden (Taiwanese)

1. Boys Over Flowers

2. What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?

3. She Was Pretty (20 minutes left. That’s a whole other story.)

*current*

Fight for my Way

Descendant’s of the Sun

Big

theoretically, DOTS would be my 4th/5th series. I only started last December. 2 months have passed, what on earth did happen to me? 

[lifeinupsidedown]

Episodic memory loss

I met a girl in the powder room. She came up to me and said, “still remember me?”

I just nod and smile blankly. I must know her, my mind must recognize her. We were partners on one event. I didn’t know what to say, she must have been disappointed.

Last night, a girl came up to me. I introduced myself and she told me, “we met after Memorial, remember?” I nod again and faked a laugh. I’m so embarassed that I turned away quickly. This time, I got a chance to say sorry to her for not being able to recall our shared memory.

My mind tends to forget a lot of things, a lot of small important memories I wished memories would not be instantly deleted. This is why I started a diary. To look back in case the world forgets. Everytime I think of something, I open the Notes, type everything I don’t want to forget, I should not forget. I feel so bad for not recalling memories my friends still able to laugh about. It is not fun knowing I forget a lot of people, a lot of reasons why I was happy or was sad at certain events.

I want to remember everything. So that I won’t have to pretend to know it happened. It’s disheartening, you forgetful creature.

[lifeinupsidedown]

“I’m almost never serious, and I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.”

— Ferdinand de Saussure

[lifeinupsidedown]

[lifeinupsidedown]

I find it hard watching a finale of the series that I watch.

I tend to hold on to things and will do anything to delay the ending.

.

.

.

They say endings open doors for new beginnings. But what if you always reach the finale and end up finding yourself at the very same place you started it?

[lifeinupsidedown]

Everyone has their own reason. A reason for not being good enough. A reason for acting up.

[lifeinupsidedown]

the previews of life

Have you ever thought of random ideas and imagine every part of it come to life? No? Then I’ll say it in two words. Have you ever thought of your “what ifs”?

I always wonder what would if this idea goes through? 

[lifeinupsidedown]

I refuse of the idea of watching new series. My heart just can’t. 

I feel sentimental that a brand new story might replace the best memories I tried so hard to remember.

New things scare me. They try to take me away to a memory I hold onto for so long and push me to make new ones. Sobrang sakit maipagpalit. I’ve been there, it’s one of the worst feelings ever. 

[lifeinupsidedown]

I am drowning in the fantasies of the series I watch, longing for someone who’ll save me.