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Worthless

I wish that someone out there would love me and take me in. my own mom doesn’t want me, she says it all the time. She says that I’m a waste of her money and time because I’m a useless idiot who can’t do anything right. I believe her and then I believe the other thing that she says. She says that no one... no one will ever care about me or want me because I’m useless. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me want to.... but I don’t want to feel that way. Am I really a bad person?

I wish someone could adopt me and love me, but that’s not how the world works. I’m my moms kid, I’m her property, and I guess she can do and say anything to me.

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My heart hurts.......

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I know that I ask you “why” a lot. Like, “why do you care,” and stuff. I’m sorry that I do, but sometimes I don’t believe that anyone will ever  or does care about me. I mean she brainwashed me into thinking that no one will ever care about me. Ever since I was small she engraved the thoughts of me not being good enough , and that no one will ever care about me, into my head. I try not to believe it, but it’s kind of hard if you’ve been told this you’re entire life, especially if it’s from the one person who is suppose to have your back. It’s kind of hard, every time I try to get back up, she knocks me back down. I don’t expect you to believe me. Why would you, no one does... But, what I am trying to say is that sometimes I need to hear people say ” I care about you,” in order to believe them.

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Thinking

sometimes I try to think about all she does, and I tell my self that I’m overreacting. All of this seems normal to me. This has always been my life. Tell me is this normal? If so, then man I really am a wimp.

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“I don’t believe you...”

No one frickin believes me. Not the CPS lady. Not my Dad. Not her. When she said it, I wanted to runaway to the bathroom and burst into tears. Why? Well the day before my mom played the victim and told the doctor that I blame her for everything. That she works so hard to give me stuff and I don’t appreciate her and that I call her a bad mother. When you call someone mala in spanish it’s pretty insulting and no I have never said that. I’ve never had those words come out of my mouth ,when talking to her. She burst into tears, and all I could think is why does she always do this. I would have just told the truth, I should but I know if I say why, then my mom will belittle me for it like she has done my entire life for everything. Then the doctor turned over to me and said that I should be grateful to have my mom because she loves me and that I act like I know everything. No I don’t know everything, I know that. I hate how she always cries in front of other people, when talking about me. She doesn’t even tell the truth. She makes up lies!. But I guess no ones cares about the truth. Anyways, the reason why I hate when she cries is because when I was a little kid, that sweet innocent, somewhat happy kid, I would get belittled for crying. Do you want to know what my mom did after belittling me for crying. She would immediately said to stop crying or she will give me a real reason to cry . And guess what she did. She’s hit me, and then I would cry....Then she’d keep hitting me over and over and over and over again. This entire time I would be begging for mercy saying sorry for what ever I did wrong and get an anxiety, or asthma attack and complain about how I couldn’t breath. She would tell me to stop crying and being a baby, once I couldn’t breath I stopped crying and told her that I would stop, I mean I had to or this cycle would never end. At this point my body didn’t hurt anymore it stung and you could see red marks on my arms. Next she’d tell me that I needed a nap because I was acting out...  and tell me to go to sleep or she’ll hit me again, so you could only imagine that I said yes, so I slept. Back to her telling lies and crying about being the victim. Mom why do you do that? It’s not fair, I’m not allowed to tell the truth but you can cry about these lies that you say??????? It makes no sense. But everyone believes you. I must be delusional. I must be the liar. So on the way home I looked out the window crying about how no one ever believes me and how I should finally accept all those things you engraved into my head: “You get dumber and dumber everyday,” “you’re ugly,” “you’re a horrible person,” “why would anyone pick you,”you’re useless,”  ”you’re  fat,”” you’re an idiot,” “you can’t do anything right,” ” no one will ever want or care about you, except your mother,”” I don’t want to live with you,” “I dont want you,” I hate you,”” your worst than a person with down syndrome,” “special ed kids are smarter and better at doing things than you.” “please Wendy you’re not going to win.” I guess I was wrong, I must have imagined all of these wonderful lies that she told me. I mean no one believes me so I guess all I can do is finally accept who I really am. Fuck, I guess I really am useless and stupid. I always secretly knew it, I mean she engraved it into the back of my head, but I never really accepted it until now.

p.s it’s okay if you don’t believe me, I don’t believe my self anymore.

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Love is kind of funny

If I had a boyfriend who’d hit me and then tell me to stop crying because he’ll give me a reason to cry, and keep hitting me until it no longer hurt, untill it stung, call me ugly, fat, dumb, idiot, asshole, devil, useless, a horrible person, tell me that I can’t do anything right and that no one will ever want me, would you call that love?.... Then why is it different when a mom does it to it’s own child: That isn’t love. There is no difference.

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Running Away

FUUUUUUCCKKKKK, I’m scared. Am I really going to do this? I’m starting to have second thoughts about this. If I don’t go through this nothing will change, and if I do alot will change, maybe more than I want it to. Crap what do I do? :/

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Runaway

I want to runaway.

Runaway from everything,

from myself,

from her,

from life.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m usually good at hiding everything,

at keeping it all in.

But now...

now I can’t.

I’m stuck here exposed, with no plan

With no way out

If I stay It will only get worst.

If I leave it will make things harder.

I don’t know what to do.

Which choice is the right one?

If I leave then I leave him behind?

Will he be better off?

I’m no psychic. I can’t tell the future.

But, I do know her, and she probably won’t change.

Well If I stay, I will never heal.

He will still get hurt because of me.

she will suffer too because of me.

And my life will get worst.

she suspects something.

something that I can longer hide.

Either way he will get hurt

he will suffer.

If I go, will I be doing the right thing?

I have no where to go, no plan.

If I leave I can never come back.

Coming back will only make things worst.

My bed,

My books,

My free food,

my free shelter,

my childhood photos,

my stuff animals,

my brother,

I will be leaving all of these behind.

Will it be worth it?

What do I do?

I have less than 48 hours to decide.

I have to decide now.

it’s now or never.

I’ve been contemplating this my entire life, and I know that she won’t change.

It’s time to go, and never come back.

I will leave Monday.

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Matilda Dream

When I was in second grade I had this friend and one day we watched this movie, Matilda, and from that day on my whole life changed. You see this movie was about a little girl who was really smart but had the meanest parents, at the end she got adopted by her teacher Ms. Honey. Now when I saw this movie it felt like an elephant was lifted of my chest. Why? Well because I lived with and abusive narcissistic mother. It was hell for the little six year old me. I was only six, I believed all the lies she engraved into my mind, and received many “spankings,” for no apparent reason. But when I saw this movie, it made me believe that I had a chance, a chance to escape all of this, after all If Matilda can get a happy ending, why not me?

Well I started fantasizing about my life with any adult that would be nice to me. I wanted to get away from home so bad that I prayed that someone would adopt me and take me away. Little did I know thats not how it worked. Funny little me thinking that it would happened. Of course it wouldn’t, Matilda is just a movie, and movies are fiction. It sucks though because I would get attached to anyone who was nice to me and just hope that they would love me enough to take me away. It’s so sad that it’s really hard for me to write this.

These people that I pictured raising me never knew anything about my life, but little old me just keep on fantasizing about it and wishing to escape. Can you blame me? My mom hated me and loved to express her hatred through nasty words and redundant “spankings” that left painful hand prints.

Even as a kid I felt kind of useless and depressed, I never really realized it because I was a kid, but I hated myself. My mom would always tell me stuff that   made my self esteem below zero rather than boost it, and I believed her when she said I couldn’t do anything right. I believed her when she said that I deserved it and didn’t really understand what I was feeling, so It was easier to ignore it. When I got older like around 8ish I started losing interest in playing with my friends, everything felt stupid so I just watched my friends play tag with each other, sometimes I’d join them play but most of the time I would watch. Everything was stupid to me because every time I mentioned something to my mom she’d tell me stuff that made me feel like anything that I thought or came out of my mouth was either dumb or wrong. I was dumb...

School was better than home, at home their was drama and at school people wanted to listen to me, and see me.

The funny thing about abusive relationships is that the abuser makes the victim feel like they deserve everything that happens to them so I never told anyone about anything. Also, she would threaten me.

In middle school I sort of mellowed with the wanting someone to save me, Matilda dream. I had other things to worry about, like my new baby brother. I had to watch him, feed him, and take care of him all the time when my mom was home.  Instead of wanting someone like Ms. Honey come and save me I started thinking about running away and or dying. I mean I was useless right?At least that’s what she told me.

Around 7th grade I met up with my old first grade teacher and started going to my old elementary school to help her out in class. I was her T.A. That’s when the attachment issues came back, I mean they probably never went away but they were mellow. I wanted her to adopt me so bad, it’s really sad. She was the nicest teacher that I probably ever had at the time, she was thrilled to see me again after so long, she was the perfect mom. The thing about this whole Matilda dream was that it was all false hope that I gave to myself, I never told anyone about it, it was just something that I contemplated about. I honestly don’t know why I did that to my self, I mean it only hurt more,but I guess anything was better than being with her.

In 8th grade I started to feel everything, I realized what depression was. All those feelings that I ignored throughout my life hit me. I kind of also wanted to jump off a bridge, I think I even made a plan. I never told anyone anything, not even my best friend. She and I had been friends since kindergarten and I never told her a thing...

Now back to the Matilda dream... Well I grew out of it, i’m not that little six year old anymore. But sometimes I wish that   had someone who would hug me and told me that they love me and just listened to me. All I need is someone who cares.

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Mother: No one is ever going to want you! The only person that's going to want you is your mother because she has too! You're lazy! You don't do anything right! you can never do anything right! No one is ever going to want you? everyone will just kick you out!

*the next day*

Mother: I don't want to live with you! You can't do anything right! You waste my money and are destroying my life! you want to destroy me?! I don't want you living with me!

Me: *thinks*-okay if no one wants me then...what the heck do I do.

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Depressed

I kind of just want to cry all the time. I can’t believe it’s March already I’m a frickin Junior and haven’t even started studying for the SAT’s. I want to, but at the same time I’m too fuckin depressed to do anything. I let my self ruin my life and now i’m fucking failing everything, and all because I believed her. “ You can’t do anything right,” said my caring mother. It’s my fault for believing her. I hate that I let her get to me. I want to blame her for EVERYTHING! Everything that is wrong with me, everything that has happened to me, but I can’t. I let my self fail. I just need someone to fuckin hold me so I can cry fuckin water falls. I  need to fuckin cry.

I’m never going to get into a good fuckin college. The worst part about it.... is that.... I’m too afraid to try, I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough, I’m afraid that I will fail, so I end up not trying. I’m afraid to fail so I just give up, before I can fail. Pretty fuckin depressing huh?

Every time I have to do school work, I fuckin want to cry, and I almost do, but I hide it.

Mar 9th, 2017 9:34:19pm

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Melancholy is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you find a way to cope with your darkness, you don’t even wanna see a drop of light.

Hira (via hedonistpoet)

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Abusive parents are very good at manipulating.

They can make everyone think they’re loving parents.

They can make their kids believe that abuse is normal.

They can make you believe you owe them everything.

They can make themselves believe that they are right.

They can make you believe that it was your fault.

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March 8, 2017

Today I came home late and my mom got mad at my brother. I think I triggered her because she was mad that I got home late. Then my brother dropped something and she snapped. I just stood their listening and watched it happen. I didn’t want to get in trouble; I’m ashamed. I tried to help him calm down because I know that she hates the sound of children crying, and it would only agitate her more. I tried to help him calm down, but he wouldn’t accept my help. In the end he ran back into my moms arms and hugged her crying, as if she didn’t cause his pain in the first place. -Thats whats funny about abusive relationships, the abuser always convinces the victim that it was the victims fault and never the abuser, and results in the victim running back to the abuser-After getting comforted by my mom he ran over to me and punched me again, I asked why he punched me and he said, “ you dropped the control.” It all started when he gave me the control and I dropped it.

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It’s kind of funny...

It’s kind of funny...

I say hi.

I ask how their day was,

they answer.

I ask  how they are,

they answer.

But,

I say,

I ask,

only to be done the same.

only to be done the same.

Ask me,

how was your day?

how are you?

say hi,

please.

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