lifememostomyself

[lifememostomyself]

9/16/17

It’s been a while

Anxiety and depression... What a bitch.

Where do I even begin? Today was one of those “bad days”. I felt anxious, irritable, and sad all day. I think it has to do with the move to Colorado on Monday. Got upset with my parents today but my mom ended up coming upstairs and apologizing to me. I don’t now if she’s ever done something like that before. I felt like shit. I felt like such a brat for getting upset with them. I only have a little bit of time left with them and I chose to spend today being upset with them. I’m gonna miss them so terribly. Not looking forward to saying bye to them... I’m gonna be so sad. But it will all be okay. That’s what planes, cars, buses, and trains are for. But I’m gonna miss not being able to just visit them whenever I’d like. The thought of living away from my parents is a little terrifying even though I’ve been wanting to move away for the longest time.

My depression... I have never experienced depression like this before. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts before. But my depression ended up getting to the point where I felt not in control of my life. I want(ed) to die. Not necessarily by suicide but I sometimes just don’t want to exist. There is too much going on in this world. I wonder if things will ever get better, not just for me but for everybody. Everybody is so fucking anxious, depressed, and stressed right now. It makes me sad that so many people have to deal with such a shitty way to feel about oneself. Anyway, I had tripped with Bailey on my birthday 2 weeks ago and it made me realize how bad my mental health had gotten over the past few years. I really need help. But until I’m able to get professional help, I have decided to change the way I think and do things. I feel that my pessimism has contributed to the decline of the mental health. I’m gonna try my best to stay positive at all times and be more kind to myself and others. After all, everybody is dealing with some type of shit. We’re all struggling. Extend kindness and understanding to others. Help others out. Also, maybe if I believed in others more rather than being skeptical towards them, maybe people will pull through for me more?

The job search... Always a pain in the ass. But I’m still looking. All I’m gonna say about this is, “As long as you keep pushing forward.....fuck a pace". It’s okay to take it easy. After all, it’s my life. I’m living it my way.

Now that I’m done getting all the anxiety/depression stuff out of the way, let’s focus on the positives.

My parents love and support me

Bailey and I get to start our lives together with our puppy (CO)

Decorating our place (CO)

Legal marijuana (CO)

Nice weather/SEASONS (CO)

Friendly people (CO)

Beer (CO)

We’ll live close to H Mart (CO)

Drivers aren’t idiots like Denton drivers (CO)

No humidity (CO)

People actually do things outdoors (CO)

All the shows, festivals, and things to do (CO)

Lynn & Janette

I have a wonderfully fantastic girlfriend who loves me and is everything I ever wanted (i.e. The type of girlfriend I want list)

Kaskade, Porter Robinson, Flosstradamus, GRiZ, Above & Beyond

That’s it for now. This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day. Remember to breathe and be kind to yourself. I am only a human rough draft.

[lifememostomyself]

Don’t the odds of two people falling in love seem infinitesimal?

Love comes at the right place and at the right time. Why then, do we always seem to fall in love when we least expect it? It seems cruel, seeing as the same thing would need to happen to the person you have fallen for. Those two...

[lifememostomyself]

[lifememostomyself]

[lifememostomyself]

[lifememostomyself]

[lifememostomyself]

I want to take the time out to say that things get better. Your ex might be moving on and happy, and you feel as if you’re stuck loving them forever. But, really, you’re not. You’ll start forgetting the little things about them. Their scars. The color of their eyes. The way they touched you.

[lifememostomyself]

Moving on is not like a birthday, you can’t count down the hours ‘til it arrives and you can’t mark it on a calendar and you can’t call up your friends to help you celebrate. You can’t plan for it and you can’t conclude it by blowing out a candle. When moving on happens there will be no...

[lifememostomyself]

[lifememostomyself]

1. A relationship will not solve all your problems.

In fact, it will create new ones. An otherwise calm and content day can be turned on its head because your partner woke up on the wrong side of...

[lifememostomyself]

"There have been many points in my life when I’ve tried my absolute hardest to make it worth out with someone, when I’ve really given it my all and it just wasn’t enough for them. And when that happens to you, it’s almost as if that person has turned on a huge flashing sign that reads: "Give up". And you start to question whether you should, because, why bother with love if love isn’t giving anything back? So you almost do. But really, the sign isn’t about giving up completely. It’s just about giving up on that person, that one person who makes you feel worthless and alone and stupid for caring for so long and so much. But don’t give up all together, because somewhere, somebody is waiting to meet somebody a lot like you, and I think it’s really important that everyone understands they’re going to find that person. And when you do, you’ll realise why it never worked out with anyone else. I wrote this on one of my loneliest days when I just felt like shutting myself off and completely giving up on love and everything it stands for, but then I realised that I’m worthy of it. I’m worthy of finding it, having it and keeping it, and I’m better than the people who tried to make me believe that I’m not. Falling in love, craving love, being in love… it’s brave. It’s ridiculously brave to be able to feel those things, and nobody should ever make you feel like you have to stop. So just wait, as hard as it is. Wait. It’s going to happen for you, I promise."

[lifememostomyself]

[lifememostomyself]

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.

Steve Maraboli (via tffnyhng)

[lifememostomyself]

[lifememostomyself]

Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return.

(via theyoungpoet)

[lifememostomyself]

You’re single because you’re single. It’s not because you texted too much or too little or waited 33 minutes to respond because he took 23. It’s not because you met up with your ex that night at 5 a.m. that no one knows about, or because you kissed another boy after a date with a loser. You’re not single because you spit food on that date or tripped coming out the the movie theatre. You’re not single because you hurt your first boyfriend really badly when you were 15 or because you have yet, to this day, to apologize. It’s not because you were secretly jealous when your friend got a boyfriend or that a guy you dated for two months now has a really cute girlfriend and looks really happy. And you’re happy for him. But still ill that he found someone before you. You’re not single because you slept with your ex boyfriend. You’re not single because half the world found out when you didn’t even want to remember it yourself. You’re not single because you think the guy your friend wants to hook you up with is ugly or not tall enough. It’s not because you’re not willing to put up with someone who doesn’t brush their teeth on a regular basis. You’re not single because your standards are too high. Good for you for having standards. It’s not because you didn’t like that really, really good guy who wanted to take you on a date and you just weren’t feeling it. And it’s not because you like to wear pajama pants as soon as you get home and wash all the makeup off your face. You’re not single because you didn’t learn enough from the past or would rather chill on a Friday night with your blanket and a cold beer than shower, get ready, and go out. You’re not single because something is wrong with you. You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.

Why You’re Single by Amanda Crute  (via ho-isshortforhoney)

[lifememostomyself]