lifeofwatashi

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #35: Pretty good day?

10/01/19; 0118

Hey wassup hello. Okay is it just me or is time going by really quickly? It is already like the 10th day of the year. Well the past few years have passed by really quickly so it honestly isnt that surprising haha. 

Anyway, something happened yesterday (09/01/19). I met my ex. If you actually scrolled all the way down to my posts from 2016 to 2017, you would know that I took more than a year to get over this girl. I met my ex intentionally. Like it was a planned meet-up. I mean of course I met her with no intentions but to just catch up and that was what we literally did. It was a really fun day to be honest. I learned so many things about her and how much she has changed as a person. They’re pretty shocking honestly but shocking doesn’t mean bad at all. In fact I think she got more amazing than she was before. 

I love how she is doing considerably well in her life. I mean that was all I ever hoped for and it’s true. Shes really out there in the world experiencing new things. She’s so talkative now I love it HAHAH. I honestly wish the night lasted longer because I don’t know the next time i’ll be seeing her again. 

She asked me about my dating life and honestly my dating life has been quite swell and only had minor dates that totally did not progress anywhere near being in a relationship. On the contrary though, Nina had loaddssss. I was proud of her. I didn’t feel a single bit of jealousy but I was really just happy for her. I was happy she was making progress in her life and trying out new things. I thought I was gonna be a lil bit scared because I knew this was gonna be one of topics we were gonna talk about. But we ended up having good laughs about it. She isn’t seeing anyone right now but she is currently healing from a recent date. She seemed really affected by it. I think she actually teared up a little bit when we were talking about it at my place just now. I wanted to hug her. But it’d be weird. 

She’s so fun and cool. Hahaha we made similar ‘mistakes’ like drink and all which is pretty cool. We could actually go out for drinks someday for fun. I mean it’s definitely not a good thing haha but we could socialize over something. I really enjoyed that meet up with her and I was just living in the moment. I always do when we were together. 

It felt different though. The intention was purely to catch up with each other and seeing what’s changed with the both of us. It was really amazing how we clicked really well despite our history. I am really happy and relieved that I wasn’t being a lil dick that would’ve kept talking about our past. Although.. I did have some wild thoughts of idk maybe about an idea of us getting back together? It’s horrible yeah. But I doubt it’ll ever happen anyway. She mentioned she only wants to date people older than she is. Which makes sense. 

Nevertheless, I am really happy and proud of her. She has grown a lot from the day we last met. I honestly hope she saw some growth in me too haha if not it’ll be pretty embarrassing. But its okay. It’s a step by step process. 

I only hope and pray for the best things to happen to you, Nina. I hope your troubles will be manageable and your happiness will be genuine and meaningful. Find yourself again soon :-). I look forward to our next meet up, if there is ever gonna be one. 

May your days be blessed always. 

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #34: Books, Poems and Nice Indie Songs.

08/01/19; 0245

Hey! Woohoo it’s the first post of the brand new year of 2019! I probably don’t sound as thrilled as I seem to be. But hey, its the new year, I deserve a fresh new start. I’ll talk about 2018 another day but lets just focus on the great things that are gonna happen in 2019.

Well in all honesty, I have my doubts about this year but when has it ever been the perfect year? I’ve always been hoping for the best. I mean that is really the only thing I could mentally do ammirite? There are many things that I’d really love to achieve in this year. This year is my year. This year the year I’m gonna be the best version of myself yet. The best part is that the only person I have to prove is myself.

Let’s talk resolutions. Yeah I know.. sometimes resolutions are bullshit but it won’t be if you actually put in the effort to achieve them. I’ve been really serious about quitting smoking ever since last December. Going into the new year with great intentions is a good major step. I’ve been cutting down a shit ton of cigarettes. I bought a pack on impulse today though. But I swear to you people whoever is reading that I no longer have that crave and temptation for cigarettes. I no longer have that lust to smoke. Smokelust? I mean theres blood lust and lust itself so smokelust? Ok nevermind. I’ve honestly been really proud of my progress although it has been pretty stale. But pretty stale still means there is progress and quitting is not an overnight thing. One thing though that really ticks me off is the “support” I get for trying to quit. Mel, my classmate, literally has 0 faith in me quitting. I mean I don’t blame her. I’ve said it so many times in my 3 years of poly education that I’ll stop smoking but I never did. But things are different now. Really.

Another classmate, Vishwa, kinda said something that triggered me. Like woke me up. So I was trying to get him to drink at a chalet (yes I started drinking last December too). While I was being terrible, trying to get others to drink, he said something. He said “I have self-control.” And that honestly hit me. A lot. I have many more reasons to quit smoking than I did months ago. I honestly wish this is gonna be achieved by the end of the year. I have my doubts as well but I have the willpower too.

Alright about the title: Books, Poems, and Nice Indie Songs. Sounds kinda like a chapter of a good book. May seem like random words. Words that make my blog seem very tumblr-ish. But no, they aren’t random at all. These nouns, they are really precious to me. They were said to me by a certain someone during a phase of my life when I was feeling content with myself. I was feeling happy, genuinely, and it is mostly because of how thankful I was back then. Boom. Another resolution. This year, I want to not go back to the past and be this contented person again, but someone better. I want to be contented with my life yea, but I also want to bring out positive vibes from me to others. To the people who care about me, to the people I care about. I don’t want to be the hellhole Shahin I was last year. Last year was really horrible. I want these same words to be said to me again at some point of 2019. By the same person if it is even possible. But this acts as a motivation to really be a better person. I don’t want to keep being in the dark. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to cry at random times. I want to be content. I want to be thankful. I want to be genuinely happy. I know it’s really a lot to ask for in a single year but no, this isn’t only gonna be for 2019. Its gonna be for every single year from now on that I will ever live. I will be contented again. I will be happier.

There are of course many others that I want to achieve but I feel like these two things are top priority. They are totally needed to be achieved for the sake of my own well-being. My own happiness.

2019 will be full of positivity. It will be the best year I ever had thus far. Amazing things are gonna happen.

Side note: I am totally excited to be travelling to Japan in a couple of months.

May you have a blessed year ahead ◡̈

[lifeofwatashi]

im so scared the rest of my life is gonna feel like this

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #33: Am I lying?

16/11/18; 0020

Hey. How ya doin’? I’ve been.. well, the same. I guess. Or worse. Probably the latter. Things have been getting pretty tough for the past few months. The negativity that I suppressed before is coming back. My nights have been sleepless because of my thoughts and that hasn’t been happening for a while. I feel like I’m slowly going back to my old self. 

I haven’t been completely honest with you. Okay to myself, since no one reads these blogs. No one knows about it hahaha I’ve changed my blog’s name countless times. So yeah, I haven’t been completely honest with myself. Not with how I feel at least. I have deleted so many blog posts. Probably like 5? I think. I’m not sure. But they’re all to make me feel better about myself. Sort of an escape from reality? I’m literally crying right now but I don’t even know why. I’ve had multiple “Blog entry #33″’s already. Shows how much of a joke my life is. Don’t get me wrong though. Whatever I’ve written and blogged about are all true and honest. Just that there are some things or events in my life that I’d like to think never happened. Feel me yet? 

Do I deserve to feel this way? I really just want to disappear. I want to be gone. From everyone, from everything. I don’t do any good to them. I don’t make anyone feel good or happy. I only burden them. I’m insignificant in this life. I cause trouble in people’s life, misery. My existence is a joke. I honestly don’t have a reason to live. What’s the point? When all I feel on the daily is hurt, uncertainty, guilt, misery. Why? Why continue living when my life is such a joke? I don’t get it. I’ve done bad things in life. People who are happy have done worse things. But why do I not feel a single sense of happiness? Contentedness is way far off, we don’t even have to talk about that. 

I’ve dragged this blog too long... but at least I won’t have to delete this entry.

May your days be blessed

[lifeofwatashi]

Yeah, no. I’m just being delusional.

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #32: I gotta stop.

22/3/18; 2240

Hey. I’m really feeling like shit now. Gotta take some time to write all this shit again. I initially wanted to just tweet on my private twitter account but I forgot its password (sigh). I can’t post these types of shit up on my private instagram account cos I’ll probably bother my followers with my negativity hahah (or not it doesn’t matter anyway).

I honestly don’t even know where I should start. I mean it has always been the case when I’m feeling really low hasn’t it haha. I need to take my feelings, priorities and decision-making much more seriously than I already am. I’ve been making horrible decisions that has put my heart at stake and it should never be the case. Anyway, I’m feeling a lot of pain. I honestly don’t know why but do you know that type of pain, where its not only your heart that is hurting, but literally the entire body? My arms and fingers are feeling numb while my hurt feels it too. It hurts A LOT.

The decisions I make freaking needs to be watched man. It needs someone to take care of it haha if not I’ll be making the wrong decisions for the rest of my life. I don’t know for sure that whatever that’s in my mind right now is a bad decision honestly. But it’s just telling me to go away and stop. I might be here for awhile by the by hahah I can’t even get my thoughts straight. So many things are coming at me at the same time. I feel super pressurized and not even by anyone but myself. 

I’m not sure what I’m trying to do to myself. Its as though I’m asking for it. I haven’t felt this way since Nina honestly and that’s like what 2 years ago? But it’s honestly just too soon for me to be feeling this way. Waaaay too soon. I gotta stop letting myself fall into this type situation. It’s getting too frequent and all it’s gonna do is hurt me. I need to set my priorities right. I need to be strong...

(... and she replies and this entire post would no longer make any sense) 

May your days be blessed.  

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #31: Hey, I’m back.

20/03/18; 0130.

Hey thurrr! Ahhh my first entry in 2018. Amazing how I’ve come this far though but alhamdulillah obviously. How have you guys been? Probably a rhetorical since there’s literally no one reading this and no one could answer that for me. But hey ask me back. “How have you been, Shahin?” Oh I’ve been fine. Or not.

So why haven’t I posted in so long? Well, I’ve been really busy. Nope just kidding. I bought a new phone and I forgot this platform existed hehe sorry Tumblr I love you loads. So 2018. We’re already in mid-March. Time has passed by super quickly. Before you know it, we’re probaby already in 2070. I’d be 71 years old. (totally did not use a calculator). Life hasn’t been that great thus far. It’s like bad times continuing from 2017, which wasn’t that great either. But I’m thankful. Let’s talk about 2017 another time though.

Lots of things has happened so far in 2018. We’re only in March and it already feels like I’m at the top of an active volcano ready to hop in. The first part of this year I was busy working my ass of for finals. Oh yeah I’m having my internship now! I had many many depressing moments during that period of studying. Sleepless nights, stress, negativity. I was really scared at that point that I might have to repeat a module (which ended up happening, but that’s for later). I was really afraid. Through the rough times during the first couple of months however, I found out that I wasn’t alone and that there are people who constantly have my back. Really really thankful for them. I studied at NUS a few times and I realised my number 1 dream ever. To enter a university course of my choice. I wasn’t sure at first, but now I am. I want to enroll into the University of Queensland, Bachelor of Biomedicine after I graduate from polytechnic. Oh gosh my heart hurts and feels really horrible typing this but you will know about that later. Anyway, I found a reason to do well in this course that I really do not like so that I could get a degree in Biomedicine. I’m finally sure of what I want and it is set in my mind. I had hopes. So I studied really hard for my finals. I really can’t say more though cos my heart feels damn light and empty talking about this. Let’s stray from this for a paragraph or two before we get back.

So that’s one of the main things that happened so far. This one’s pretty lit and dope. On January 30th, I saw a band that I anticipated the most live in Singapore. One of my all-time favourite bands: Foster the People. Oh boy were they amazing as fuck! I queued really early with my friend Ilyas and we got a super good view of the band. We stood right infront of the stage in the middle. How amazing is that?! They were soooooooo good when they performed live. I could never listen to them the same way. They even played my favourite song Ruby! It was super chill and I loved it soooo bloody much. They even advised the crowd super meaningful things. “Love should be our mantra. Love is such an easy thing to say but a hard thing to do. I think its time to put our hands out, listening before speaking, listening to people who don’t agree with you and trying to understand where they’re coming from and building bridges not building walls” - Mark Foster, 2018. Really blessed to have been able to see them live because I’ve been in love with them since I was quite young.

I went to another concert, Peach Pit. I only knew two songs and I still paid 30 bucks to see them live and I swear it was really worth it. One of the best perfomances I’ve been to and they’re such an amazing and chill band. They had many solo rifts and it was freaking cool and nice. They are one of a kind because they took the time to meet ALL the fans that queue up to see them after the perfomance and it’s really a good gesture. I got my phone case signed by all 4 members and it made my case look dope as fuck. Even talked to someone like throughout the concert which was funny but super fun too hehe. We didn’t talk actually. We texted hahaha which made it funnier. But it’s cool. My forte is texting anyway...sadly. (i’d like to change that about myself and TALK to people more instead of text). Anyway I met the band after the performance and even talked to them. I told them how I never really listened to them and that I had totally no regrets at all coming for their concert because it was that good. They were like “Oh wow we really really appreciate that thank you!” We took a picture afterwards but I swear each fucking concert I go to, my face would look like a mess. I’m damn sad cos I wouldn’t be able to post them up.

Back to the first paragraph. Remember I said I was working my ass off to not repeat a module? Yeah I have to repeat a module. Applied Mechanics, a module that I was honestly confident in. I expected to remodule Thermodynamics but nope. I gotta go through another 6 months of bullshit because I really hated that module. It really sucks. Having to remodule at the end of my second year. It’s like I’ve wasted my time. Never people. Never repeat a module because it’s really gonna waste your damn time. That semester hasn’t even started but I could already imagine how tiring its gonna be. Anyway, this incident affected my GPA really really badly. My hopes of going into a university are crushed, just like that. I literally can’t go anywhere. That’s why my heart was hurting as I was writing the first paragraph. I studied really hard and yet I still failed. It’s horrible. The thought of forking out so much time, just to see all the effort go down the drain. I don’t deserve this. I tried my best but is it not enough? Now all I’m hoping for is not having the need to delay my graduation. That would suck so bad for me and my family. I would really bring my family name down and disappoint my parents like mad.. sighzzzz.

But it’s okay. I know I will find a way to pull through this phase in my life. If something good comes out of this, I’ll be glad. Gotta see the light in everything. Try to find it even if its coming through a small little gap. Grasp onto every positivity that you can get and I’m sure you’ll pull through. I am honestly grateful for whatever that has been happening in my life even though they may have been super bitter. (but obviously not grateful to remod) Things may be horrible now, but once you accept it and get through it, your life will blossom. That’s what I’m hoping for right now. In God’s will, things will get much better. Things honestly are getting better, I’ve been pretty bubbly in the past few days hehe. May it all be great for all of us.

May you be blessed, always.

[lifeofwatashi]

you’re like a flower.  your petals are of the most vibrant colours. your scent is the most delightful you’re a beautiful flower. you lost your way, you were confused and unsure, you were wilted till you found me. you thought that i was your pot, a simple pot of little value. but i did what i had to. i kept you rooted,  i kept you strong.  you kept going, despite struggling. i kept you rooted till you finally found your vase. it was gorgeous,  expensive, luxurious.  nothing could ever go wrong.  from then on, you were no longer unsure. you were no longer lost. you were happy, and you kept growing. you grew to become more beautiful  you grew stronger. just that the pot that you had before, is now the one unsure, is now the one lost. but it doesn’t matter ‘cause he’s glad that the flower he was once bearing, has now bloomed and grown into something better

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #30: Trying to remember, or perhaps forget?

13/7/17, 0320 Hey. So I guess this might be a regular thing now. I mean having cool titles for my entries. What you thought I'll be regularly updating my blog? Nahhhh hahaha. I would but I always have reasons not to. Sooo why this title? Lots of meaning to it honestly. As I grow older, I tend to think about past occurrences. Okay to be frank, the titles may not even have a single link to the content of the blog sooo suck it up. But actually yeah, I'm trying to remember something. I'm trying to remember the last time I had someone stand by me and listen to my rants and all. Been super long since I had a good chat about my feelings. Past few months or years even, I've been the listener and no one really listens to my stories. It's kinda sad to be honest. I'm kinda shocked though. Usually when I write about these things on my private platforms, I'd feel sad and all but as I write this entry, I'm not feeling shit. Maybe I'm numb to this feeling. Anyways, an update on Qiyanah? Alright. Soo her ex-boyfriend, Hilmann, a good friend of mine, kinda found out that I'm contacting her. At least that's what I think. I honestly don't know what to do about it. But that doesn't really matter much anyway since I kinda know where our conversation is taking us: nowhere. Although it would be out of great courtesy to talk things out with Hilmann about this just to let him know from me myself. I know nothing will happen between Qiyanah and I cos I'm pretty sure she's not interested in me as I am in her but I guess feeling's definitely cannot be forced and I'm kinda fine with it. I really do wanna talk to her though, and get close to her, and meet her and all. I want to write a single long entry all about her. But I guess that might not happen, for now at least. I've been giving up hope on floorball by the way. Like I've found myself in a position where I don't even wanna try anymore because I don't have a reason to. If there's anything it would be the fact that I've always wanted to play floorball. Although I stepped into Ngee Ann's team with the intention of representing the school. I honestly feel like my dreams and passion for floorball will be crushed because of how terrible I am doing what I really love. Teammates are definitely not helping either. Only some notable once but especially NOT those whom I'm closer to. I feel nothing when typing all this out. Seems like I'm getting numb to whatever I've been feeling. Gotta go now, may your days be blessed :-).

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #29: I'm sorry, I tried to be positive.

7/7/17, 0137. Hey thereeee. Been long as shit huh since my last entry. I actually wanted to write a couple of days ago but I really couldn't get things straight to even think properly. Hahah welpz here it is anyway, the 29th entry. "I'm sorry, I tried to be positive." Why that title? I question myself too. It seems a little too strange huh, since I've never had such a cool title for the past entries. But why? Perhaps it's because of all the events that are happening in my life maybe? I'm not sure myself but yes, shit has been happening lately. Lots and lots of shit. Shit that's honestly bringing me down. Shit that I've been letting myself take in, to the point where I've really stopped bothering, thus allowing myself to feel hurt. I'm sorry, I tried to be positive. Despite all that has happened to me in recent weeks, I've always always tried my best to stay positive. I didn't want anything to affect me like how they always used to. I was tired of that life. I tried to find good, no matter how little they maybe, in everything. However terrible the event was, I kept trying to find that good. I can't say that I never found any. I did but yeah.. Being positive was one of the biggest resolutions that I have set for myself at the start of 2017. All I needed was great vibes, great ambience, great company. But I haven't gotten any thus far. I've got people showing fake love to me, I've got people acting like they give a fuck. So yeah. Some people are really insensitive of what they let out of their salty mouths. It's been getting on my nerves lately. They don't have a single thought on what others might feel. How others might react. Happened to me earlier today. My friends, I don't even know if theyre close to me or not, voice recorded on Whatsapp saying and discriminating my floorball skills. Saying how with or without a floorball stick, my play will be the same, implying that I fucking suck in the sport and I don't even need a stick cos I probably wouldn't make good use of one. Now, as much as I know they're joking, it hurt me a lot. Knowing that they know how insecure I am playing floorball, how inconfident I am, how demoralised I am from past events, they still could say such things, even if its a joke. I sound so petty but yeah. It doesn't end there though, the fucked up part. I felt so terrible right after they said that? I felt fucking worse after training. I actually got asked to sit out. During training. Where people go to when they want to improve. I got asked to sit out even during a game, where there isn't even much competition, yet at least. That was when I really lost it. I felt horrible. I felt so useless and hopeless. "Shahin, you're not good enough to even be in our training". That's all I've thought about. I may be not good enough for your team. But to improve and get better, I should be playing when I attend trainings right? Sadly that isn't the case. And sadly whatever my "friends" said over WhatsApp was actually true. I shouldn't be playing floorball. Sigh I'm too upset. I need someone. I need someone to be by my side.. Sigh. May your days be blessed.

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #28: A little spark?

14/6/17, 0116. 

Hey there! It’s been a week being of a legal age and I can tell you that it has been nothing much hahaha but oh well, its just a number anyways.

I’m just gonna write about one thing. Something short I guess. I think, THINK, that Qiyanah has finally found a reason to get close to me. I don’t exactly know why i’m feeling this but it’s definitely something really positive. She finally agreed to have dinners together after school when it reopens just so we could know each other better. I’m falling in love with that thought and i REALLY hope things would go well between us. I’m honestly just being very delusional though, as I always am, but I feel that this time round, there’s gonna be substance to it. Like something will finally happen and that it’s not all just words. I’m really looking forward to get to know her better and get closer to her because she’s a real gem. I’m so excited to know what Allah has planned for the both of us and I really hope it’s something good and something that will make me happy after sooooo long. I mean yeah i should not rely her for happiness but I’m 100% sure she’d be the start of a better life. Inn shaa Allah.

May your days be blessed! 

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #27: An update.

8/6/17, 0245. Hey again, after awhile. I just turned 18! Finally legal hahah. Not sure if it's a good or a bad thing though. But oh wells. Let's talk about that. 7th June 1999, the day a boy was born. A boy filled with mixed up feelings and insecurities he had to grow up with, a boy who was always demure and reticent. The day I was born. Not sure if thats a good or a bad thing either haha. I was feeling sad yesterday. Of all days, one would've thought his/her birthday would at least give a little spark of positivity. But not me, for this year at least. I was never really bothered by this day. To me, it's just an ordinary day. We don't get older just on our birthdays. We grow everyday. Every minute that passes means we've grown a minute older. I never really cared whether anyone wished me or if anyone would throw a surprise for me or what not. Although I do expect some wishes from certain people who are really significant to me. All these didn't matter. Not this year though. I don't know why. This year, not many people realised it was my birthday. Even the closest of my friends never bothered to wish me. I kinda expected my 18th birthday to be super cool and all but nope. I've gotten close to many people this year. Not a single one wished me. It saddens me to be honest. Maybe it's mostly cause I expected things to happen and when they did not, I got very insecure and broken. My 18th birthday might just be the worst birthday I ever had. 1) Things that would never bother me the slightest became the most bothersome. 2) Nothing good really happened throughout the entire day. 3) I feel stupid. I used to get many many wishes on my birthdays. Like those long ass texts that would take me minutes to read. I only got 1 this year. I mean yea it really doesn't matter. Or it shouldn't matter even. But its not about getting long texts or not. It's about realising how many people you've lost in your life. Those who used to send me long ass texts now just say "happy birthday!" It shows a lot. In my perspective at least. What happened to the long texts you used to send me? Shows how much we've drifted. Another thing is not receiving wishes from people who you'd want to receive wishes from. I didn't get a wish from many people that are important in my life. Which really saddens me. I don't know why but yeah. This year's birthday really sucks. I can't even describe how I felt yesterday. To me it was terrible. My mind's been fucking around with my life. Been thinking about things not worth thinking about, been prioritising things which are not important, been wanting things that i'll never get. Things that make me happy and calm me down are also the things which fucks me up and makes me feel fucking frustrated. I don't blame the cause though. I've been thinking a lot of Qiyanah and how stupid I've been feeling whenever I try to talk to her. I'll always feel so desperate when I talk to her. I think even she notices it. How I wish things weren't this way. How I wish things hadn't gone this way. Honestly all I want from all my conversations witn Qiyanah is just to get closer to her and to know her better. But she probably doesn't feel the same ah. Maybe I should stop talking to her. Maybe I'll get better.. I found her blog and I read whatever she wrote there. It really gave me an insight on who she really is. I'm not sure if it was right for me to read but honestly, I can't see her the same way I've been seeing her. One would probably think she's living her life being happy everyday but no one really notices her bad times. Well that's what I extracted and inferred from her blogs. I feel like I want to be there for her, by her side so whenever she feels like shit she knows that she has someone who's always there for her. But I guess that'll never happen. Life has been terrible. 2017 has been terrible. I just wish things would go back to being fine (if they were even fine before) and be nice to me. I've been feeling so many different types of shit I find myself going back to my old habits of just staring at the ceiling at 3am in the morning. I've been very lethargic mentally. I have so many things to say but I just can't organise my thoughts and say everything. Sigh how I wish I was telling all this to someone instead of a platform in which only I have access too. Actually 2 others know about this blog but I doubt they even bother anymore. I don't want to bother them anyway. They have their own problems to takecare of. But i wish i stop feeling so lonely and not cared for soon. May your days be blessed.

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #26: Hello..

20/5/17; 0206 Hey there. It’s that time of the day where i’d blog and just pour my feelings out while listening to slow ass songs that allows me to think and enjoy at the same time. I honeslty don’t know what to blog about today but i just feel like typing something. Lets start, shall we? Firstly, about me catching feelings for a beautiful lady, Qiyanah. It sucks honestly. It sucks because I don’t know her. I haven’t really met her and we haven’t really talked. Like, I don’t even know why I’m feeling this for her. Yeah it’s not certain, of course, but I don’t know.. liking someome you don’t know at a personal level? I think that’s suicide for the heart. Honestly I don’t even know what this is. I get really really excited for her replies and when she does I’d get butterflies. The whole fucking animal kingdom actually. It’s as though it means my survival if she replies. I hate it. I hate feelings. Everything changes when you catch feelings. You suddenly lose everything when you meet that person. I’ve only met Qiyanah twice like in my life. The first one (5th May 2017) is a really good story to tell. To me at least. I’m following her on snapchat. In her snap on that day, her feet were bleeding. Like really badly. And she was saying she needed slippers like asap. Coincidentally I was at home so I offered my hand. She was reluctant at first but thank god she wanted my help. Like she really needed it. At that point, I kinda just woke up. I rushed to bathe and got ready to go out. Went to cotton-on to get a pair of black slippers and left to see her. Now here comes the part where I fucked up. She was waiting at SP’s busstop (she studies there) with a couple of friends. I got attacked by anxiety there and then. I didn’t know what to do. I was super hesitant to see her because I was so scared. Now kids, never be reluctant. Never hesitate, just do it. It was because of my reluctance and my hesitation I fucked up. I didn’t want to keep her waiting so I just went to her. I said hey. She was like “Oh hey!” I just stood there for like 2 seconds? before I took out the slippers. “Here, do these fit?” “Yeap they do! Thank you, so much.” “No problem!” and i just walked off…. without saying anything. I don’t even remember saying bye. I was such a dick. I should’ve introduced myself to her and her friends. Should have stayed for at least 5 minutes. Should have talked. But I didn’t!!! I just walked off… Must’ve left her confused and wondering. Second meet up with her was funny too. I met her on a train this time. She waved at me. I like that. HAHA. There’s a lil backstory to this. It was on Wednesday, 17 of May. I left home pretty early thinking of taking the bus to school. I usually take the bus from Woodlands. But when I reached Woodlands, my heart was telling me to stay on the train. Like “hey dude, just take the train, its pretty empty and there are seats for ya” So I did. I was honestly expecting to see Qiyanah. She stays in Choa Chu Kang. When the trained reached CCK MRT, I was looking left and right, hoping I’d see her. At first I didn’t. So I was like “maybe i’ll go to the other side of the train. maybe she boards from the last cabin” So I sighed. Leaned back. Looked right and there she was, looking at me. My heart dropped. Like in a good way. It was beating super fast and I smiled at her. I waved at her and I think she kinda laughed a little. Oh boy my heart was super warm and I couldn’t stop smiling to myself. I was so happy I stayed on the train. I was even happier when I saw her. There was a good 5-7 minutes to think about what to do before we both had to switch train lines to get to our schools. I had so many things prepared to talk about. I had so much time too. But when we alighted the first train, I lost it. I lost it all. I got attacked again. I queued in her line. The next train was empty af, so I stood right beside her. And guess what? I didn’t say shit. For that 5 minutes travel time from Jurong to Clementi, I didn’t say shit. I took off one side of my earpiece hoping she would too but she didn’t so that kinda stopped me too. But honestly it’s not really an excuse. I saw her meddling with her pause and play button on her phone. Like she paused her song a few times (at least thats what I think). I honestly felt rude not saying anything but at the same time I didn’t really wanna bother her. But boy did she look amazing. She’s really beautiful. I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE “Hey!! Where ya off to? I thought you didn’t have school today?” (Weds are her free days) But I didn’t. The fact that she kept pausing her song made me feel like she was expecting me to start a conversation… When I left the train, we smiled at each other but I can say that her smile when we first met was so much more lively than when I alighted at Clementi. Like she was kinda disappointed? I feel so funny saying this HAHAH. But she’s really cute regardless. I messaged her later in the day saying sorry for not saying anything and also promising to talk to her when we meet again. So thats the story of our meet ups.. Why I like her, still unsure. There’ll be another entry just about her, one day. I feel so happy after talking about her hahah this was supposed to be a kinda down post but I feel so fine. I guess it’s because talking about her requires the thought of her, and the thought of her makes me happy! So I guess that’s it for tonight! May your days be blessed always! and may a spark light up between Qiyanah and I!

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #25: Why?

8/5/17; 0154.

Hey. It’s the 8th day of the month and it has been horribly miserable for me. I hope things are great for you though! Allow me to share why. DISCLAIMER: This post will be full of negative bullshit that keeps popping up in my mind and just gotta get them out. 

Honestly, I have no idea how to express whatever I’m feeling into words, but that’s not new. There’s so many things happening to me and it sucks to say but I haven’t had any good happen to me in recent weeks. This year is flowing by really quickly and it has been the worst so far. Nothing’s been fine. Especially this month. 

Let’s start. Recently, I finally met Qins, the girl that I’ve been idk attracted to? I don’t wanna say the girl I’ve been falling for because I really don’t know how she’s like and it’ll really be immature. This happened last Friday. So the day started with me waking up late and ending up not going for classes. I woke up at 10am, the same time my class started hahaha. I automatically knew it was gonna be a bad day. Well until I saw Qins’ snap. In her snap, she had a bleeding foot due to blisters I think. She was kinda desperate and in need of help. She was asking for slippers and I thought why not help her out. So I told her I could get slippers for her and so I did. I thought this was gonna be the turning point of the day and the terrible week so far. But I guess shit happens. I thought it was gonna be GREAT. Meeting that gorgeous girl in person for the first time. I blame myself 100% for the terror that happened. At first, on the way to SP, where she was at, I was feeling happy, confident, fine. I was very excited to meet her, and talk to her. I was imagining great things happening when we met. As soon as I reached Dover MRT though, I completely blanked out. I saw her from the bridge (she was at the busstop with her friends) and I got so nervous. I totally lost it. I forgot how I was feeling. I didn’t know what to do. I’m horrible. Shit man just thinking about it makes me feel so fucked up. I ended up going down, seeing her, passing her the slippers, and walking off. I don’t think I even said goodbye. I totally lost it. I felt so arrogant, and awkward. She probably sees me as a terrible person now. Probably has a bad impression on me. I blame myself. Why am I like this. Why do I get anxious so easily. She probably wouldn’t wanna meet me ever again because of that day. God I feel so fucking stupid and shitty man. 

I’ve been starting to feel as alone as ever. As time went by I’ve been noticing people honestly not giving a fuck about me. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. I literally feel people avoiding the fuck out of me. Like the people I turn to, are no longer there. I mean I can’t blame them. They have their own shit to take care of. But I’ve started feeling the need of someone. I’ve been fine for a year but I don’t know why I’ve been feeling like really alone. I have friends yeah, but honestly speaking, they are those who wouldn’t be there for me. I only open up to certain people because I feel like I’m always misunderstood so it’s much better to keep things between myself. But this feeling is overwhelming me. I need someone. Someone to always be there for me, to be there to answer my calls at any time of the day, to ask me if i’m okay. To ask me how I’m feeling at random times. No one does that. Ever. I feel so unloved. By everyone. As though the world hates me or something, I feel so unwanted. My presence is not needed. I can guarantee that it’s not. People will be fine without me around. I feel so fucking petty saying this things but yeah. No one reads this shit anyway. Sigh, That’s the most I could do. Sigh. I just wish I had someone there for me, like how I’m always there for people. I just wished people would see through my smiles and laughter and I don’t know hug it out. I want hugs man I miss that shit. I don’t want it to be forced though. Cause that’ll be the worst shit ever. Being forced to be there for me (like out of pity and shit) I don’t need pity. I don’t need that shit. Don’t pity me. This ain’t a pity party. If you’re here out of pity you can leave :-). 

One last thing. (I’m getting tired) My floorball stick broke. Kinda the only thing that calms me down. Floorball. I vent out through floorball and now I can’t because my stick broke and I don’t have the money to get a new one gosh. I’ve been having mixed feelings about floorball though. Things haven’t been going the way of my favour. I don’t even get the playing time I deserve and I really don’t feel like I’m part of the team. We had a match earlier (every Sundays) and the team won, which is really good. I couldn’t be happier for them. But I only played for 3 minutes out of the whole 60. I feel so useless and unneeded. I’m starting to feel like it’s a complete waste of my time to come down to the matches when every single week, I’ve been treated the same fucking way. It’s like a whole new way to rub it into my face that I fucking suck in Floorball and I shouldn’t even be in the game. What’s the point of me coming when I don’t even fucking play. They said to join a club to get experience. I didn’t realise sitting on the bench and hoping to be played is an experience that is worth getting week in and week out. I don’t deserve this ah. The players in line 1 and 2 keep saying keep your heads up, we’re in this together. But are we really? You don’t even fucking know how it feels to be left out by your own team. You’re playing every minute and you can say that? No. You don’t have the rights to because you don’t feel it. If i’m that terrible and no use for the team why am I even there? I signed up to be a floorballer, not a benchwarmer, or a fucking cheerleader. I’m always cheering for the other players but I realise no one actually cheers for me when I ever get on the court. When I get on or off, no one says shit to me. No “hey good try out there” No nothing. But I’m always saying “hey good one guys heads up! Y’all are doing great!!!” I just feel like quitting. And I feel like I shouldn’t get a new stick because it’ll just waste my money. Whats the point of getting a new stick when I won’t even use it.

God. Typing the last paragraph really triggers me. I’m going now. May your days be blessed

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #24: Sigh

24/4/2017; 0001

Hey there. Been awhile. Been long. Been shitty.

The past month has been pretty horrible, apart from the first day and a few others. Lets talk about that first since I’m prioritizing positivity. Sooooo on the first day, I went for my 3rd concert of the year. I saw COLDPLAY LIVE. It was a hella of an amazing night. I went alone too which made the experience better. It was beautiful. That night was perfect. Chris and the rest did super well and they were amazing. REALLY AMAZING. I have no regrets at all, although I couldve gotten a better seat. At the end of the day, I met up with an old friend and we had ice cream so that topped the first day of the month. 

Later in the month, 19 friends and I ran my school’s Freshmen Orientation Camp as Group Leaders. Honestly one of the best moments of my life, well during the camp at least. I’ll get to the negatives later though. I had a mixture of feelings throughout the whole journey. Lil bits and pieces of downs, fortunately more of ups, for me at least. The camp was a success. I’m really glad and satisfied because of that. For three months the 20 of us bonded and got really close to each other and because of that I’m really blessed to have them. 

Another positive happened just this past weekend. I went on a trip to KL with my family and I’m glad i followed. It was a great getaway. Really peaceful and nice. And we came back just before the first day of school so I really appreciate the trip, though we did go for a wedding. Was really happy to see my cousin getting married! 

So now down to the negatives. Gosh I wish this part doesnt have to be written. But this is the only platform where I can slowly think and write my thoughts out, before it stays inside and kills me. Thanks Tumblr for this. 

Nina has been on my mind. Yeah, shit. Nina. After 2 months of pain. She’s back. I have no idea why but its killing me. Okay not really. Just my memories boiling and everything about her is appearing. I really miss her. Like suddenly. Eventhough she doesn’t miss me. There was once I asked her close friend (my close friend too in a way) if Nina misses me. She asked Nina before and guess what she said. No. HAHAHA. I felt anger and frustration at that point, because I honestly expected her to. Because of how badly I miss her. And how badly I might want her back. Well she is my first true love. I just miss the days people would tell me they love me, they miss me. It would really help right now. 

Insignificance. The act of not being important in someone’s life. That’s what I am now. Insignificant. In many. In many of those who are significant in mine. I don’t feel important in the lives of people I care about. The people who are important in mine. And that feeling really really sucks. Not feeling important. No one asks about me. How I’m feeling. If i’m okay. No one hears me out. (Thankful for this platform) No one bothers about me, no one notices me. It really hurts when I ask about others, but I don’t get the same. I know. I shouldn’t be expecting a return when I do good but this. It’s getting unbearable honestly. The pain. The feeling of insignificance. 

Alright, the negatives from the camp. Honestly its all after the camp hahah and I’m the only one feeling it. Okay so the camp has 5 tribes, and each tribe has 4 leaders. Long story short, I feel like I’m the least liked in my tribe among the 4 of us. I’ve been completely fucking ignored in the WhatsApp chat. Lets put it into a scenario. I’m GL 4. GL 1 comes into the chat. Freshies: “OMG HIIII MISS YOU!!!!!!” GL 2 comes into the chat. Freshies: “HELLOOOO GOODMORNING!!!!!!! GL 3 comes into the chat and says “goodnight”. Freshies:”GOODNIGHT REST WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” GL 4? Freshies don’t reply, freshies don’t bother, freshies go on with another conversation, different topic, completely ignoring what GL 4 says. I’m that GL. There was a mass outing on Saturday, like the whole camp’s outing. I told the freshies that I wouldn’t be going because of KL. Only one person said “okay!”. No one else bothered. They read and just fucking not bother. As a GL, I feel fucking hopeless and useless and pointless in being their GL. It really sucks being this way ah honestly. I don’t deserve this honestly. And I am fucking affected because these freshies mean A LOT to me and knowing that I don’t mean SHIT to them really sucks. Just like not meaning SHIT TO ANYONE I CARE ABOUT. 

Sigh. Thus the title. I cant put my thoughts into words any longer. May your days be blessed. 

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #23: What’s up?

 28/3/2017, 0330

Hey there humans in the virtual world. Today’s entry will be really mixed with different things. i mean like there’ll be random topics just popping out throughout this blog because my mind is literally everywhere and going haywire. I can’t seem to organise my thoughts and can’t even come up with a proper entry title hahaha. 

Let’s just start with my sister, the eldest one, getting married. It’s a happy occasion blah blah blah. Yea it’s a happy one but not for everyone I guess. Let’s start off on a positive note. The occasion took up two days and honestly, for a first time, it went kinda well. I mean in the general perspective. My parents were the most relieved once it was all over because honestly, they really put in probably 80% of their thoughts into her wedding, in attempt to make it the perfect one for their first child. It makes sense anyway. It was great having my relatives over and we just bonded. I’ve always loved family gatherings, although I wouldn’t be socialising. I just love to see people smile and laugh as one. It’s really a great sight. I’d just watch them, absorbing every positive vibe i could get. When they left after the event was over, I honestly felt a sense of emptiness and like silence. It was fun while it lasted and we’ll definitely have more of these in the future. So yeah many were happy and relieved and I could only be happy for my sister and her husband. I wish them all the best and I hope and pray they’ll last till Jannah (in god’s will) 

I have to mention the negatives too sadly. Throughout the wedding day itself, on the 26th, I felt really lonely. Like no kidding. I felt lonely, despite being around like 600 people. I felt unacknowledged. Insignificant. All the different vocabularies which explains lonesome. It was as though I wasn’t even there. No one really noticed me. Even my own family. My uncles, aunties, they all seem clueless about who I am. “Oh ada dua anak lelaki?” (Oh,  you have two sons?) They literally treated me like I wasn’t human. Nobody cared about my presence at the wedding venue. Like really. They’d call my by my brothers name. I didn’t hear a single Shahin or Muhrez throughout the day. It’s just Muaz, my brother’s name. It’s honestly really saddening. It’s like I don’t exist to them. I had invited friends over but they didn’t come until the whole event ended. And they came out of pity, and not out of will. One even showed that he was mad when he reached. I feel like i’m being a burden just by existing. They came over, but out of pity. It wasn’t a sincere visit. The people there never bothered about me. They’re always asking about my other siblings when they talk to me. Asking me where they are and what not. It really hurts. I feel so alone. I feel like I literally have no one. Everyone just doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I even felt like running away. When I was with my friends, my own family, were already leaving. They didn’t even tell me that they were already leaving and none of them bothered to look for me to tell me that their leaving. My own family. My younger cousins, whom were always close to me, now only asked about my brother. It really hurts. They always said being the last child meant that you have the best life in the family. Or the spoilt one. It’s the total opposite for me. I’m barely having a good life for myself. What more having the best? I go unnoticed. 

The second paragraph is a contradiction to the earlier one, about me saying I love family gatherings. I love it, no doubt. But at the same time, I’m miserable. I get miserable in family gatherings. I love to see them all happy, laughing, talking, while I’m by the side, being as fucked up and sad. But I love to see them enjoying themselves, while I’m suffering on my own. It’s like I’m just a wondering soul, looking and watching happy families, while not even being noticed, like they couldn’t see me. I never went a minute without having the thought of being an adopted kid. The thought of having a real mother who left me by their doorstep but they couldn’t send me away because they pity me. Sigh it’s so terrible having these thoughts. I wish I never had them but I just have to live with it. I’m not sure how long more I could ignore this and play it all cool. I just wish I could be positive about these things and just really smile it off. I mean I do smile it off but it really hurts me, by smiling at these things that really hit the heart. 

Moving on. Remember the girl I dreamt about? A? I dropped her a message on Instagram DMs. Being someone who overthinks way to much, I can’t help but to notice that i’m bothering her. Maybe I really shouldn’t have texted her at all. To prevent all these thoughts from flooding my mind. The people I DM on instagram are all treating me the same way, leaving me hanging, ignoring me. It really hurts. It’s as though my presence is never wanted, never was. It was as though my existence disturbs their peace and life. Maybe I should go soon. So I wouldn’t bother anyone. Even with my love and concern for them. It hurts a lot, and I’m just trying to live with the pain.

May your days be blessed. 

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog Entry #22

13/3/17, 0400

Heyyo. Back at it with the 4am thoughts. Today I thought I’d share a dream of mine that happened a couple of days ago. It’s a really weird dream but at the same time, I could feel that I was smiling throughout, even when I was asleep.

Soooo lets start with who I was dreaming of. A very beautiful person from Temasek Poly. I ain’t gonna say her name but lets just call her A for now cos she’s definitely an A HAHAH kidding people shouldn’t ever be graded for how they are. Her name starts with A okay don’t get me wrong. I saw her when I was supporting Ngee Ann’s floorball team when they played against Temasek and boy was she beautiful. She’s my age too so that’s a plus. I kept looking at her man even after the game when they were leaving. Believe it or not, she gave me a few glances and our eyes met a couple of times. She also bears the number 17 on her jersey, my favourite fuckin’ number there. I’d call it fate. HAHAH. 

Okay so in that dream, the setting was pretty cool. It was kinda gloomy since it was raining and the skies were dark but the dream was good don’t worry. We were near a school I think. I’m not sure what but it had a field. A and I were a couple. I was her boyfriend and we’ve been together for quite some time. A was wearing a hoodie, mine I believe. I can’t remember if it was Salt & Pepper or beige in colour but she looked great in the dream. Oh wait no she was wearing a grey dri-fit tee, yeah. I don’t remember what was printed on them. She still looked good either way. 

In that dream, A was very insecure about our relationship. She was scared of losing me. Even though it was only a dream, I felt kinda happy about that. I think she heard some kind of rumour about me talking to some other girl that was going around in school. Or a friend of hers was telling her bullshit. LEAVE US ALONE I’M LOYAL AND FAITHFUL OK. We were under a block I think and she brought it up. She was kinda tearing too but she was trying to hide it. When she asked, I was feeling really really confused. She was asking me so many things, I couldn’t absorb and answer her. I became speechless ah. She looked at me in disbelief and ran towards another block. And it was raining. Everything happened so fast. I wanted to chase her but I was stopped by a bicycle that hit me. I think I fell and was rolling behind a bush (what the fuck). I got up and ran towards her but I saw from far that she was stopped too, by a middle-aged aunty who was telling her not to cry. The aunty part scared me cos like what the fuck you suddenly come out of nowhere. When she turned back her faced like zoomed in so much. I saw her eyes only and fuck it was damn scary. 

That part was over in like 2 seconds. Then I was like a few steps to A. I shouted her name. (We were still in the rain). A stopped. I was wearing my jacket. I ran to her and I just hugged her. She didn’t turn back but she wasn’t resisting. I hugged her for like idk 20 seconds? Then I walked her to another block for shelter. Eh wait no she turned. But she was looking down. Thennn i walked her for shelter. We sat on a table, you know the chess ones. Her friend (I’m not sure if he’s her bf in real life but yeah) was there. Seated ah. This guy is her friend in this dream. She was ranting to him about how I couldn’t answer her. I kept trying to calm her down and I kept saying that I don’t have anyone else and shit but she kept saying “stop talking” I think. Then I just gave her my phone and told her to check for herself. She was like “OH NOW YOU WANT ME TO CHECK OK FINE I CHECK” Then she check got nothing then she kept quiet. Her friend look at me and shook his head then walked off. A was damn embarrassed already. Then she snatched my jacket off my hands and put it on (I was about to pass it to her). Then she was giving that attitude like you know girls when they angry but then they paiseh but they don’t want to show they paiseh so the ego take over. Yeah that. Then she turned away. I got up and sat beside her and said something like “I’ll never leave you for anyone. Why would I when I have you”. Somewhere between those lines ah maybe not as cringe. Then we hugged andddddd I woke up.

I haven’t had such an eventful and heartwarming dream like this in so many months. I don’t even know why it was her that I dreamt. Like shouldn’t it be someone I know someone that I’ve talked to before? Anyway it’s just a dream and I shouldn’t get to Delusional Shahin and go DM her telling her about this hoping something good will happen HAHAHA. This dream is DAMN cringe worthy but hey it made me happy. AND IT FELT SO REAL. I wish it was real HAHA okay bye.

May your days be blessed :-)