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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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I’m not ready to talk about my third serious relationship and theres no one else to really talk about so im gonna change gears and continue to other pieces of my life. As time went on I was getting sick of being at the community college I was going to and I decided against doing the rest of the social sciences degree cause I wasn’t to sure anymore if I wanted to do psychology when I transferred and honestly I didn’t really know anymore what I wanted to do. I asked the school I wanted to transfer to what I needed to transfer and of course I had to complete a math class along with some others. So I took the math class and the others. As the year went on I finally stopped drinking energy drinks, and it was really hard to quit, but I had been drinking energy drinks a lot since middle school and when I finally quit I was almost a completely different person. I was far less anxious and depressed, I didnt obsess over things as much, my huge feelings I had about love and feelings calmed down, and I wasnt as much of a perfectionist anymore. I was a lot more relaxed but also a lot more unmotivated than normal. I started slacking more in school but i was also burnt out on school cause i was so tired of being there. Me and tompkins were still close friends, but my friendships became less and less cause everyone was moving or getting married and stuff so the more time went by the more I was ready to move away. im a little fuzzy on the timeline of when i finished my developmental math it was either that spring semester or maybe the fall but during the summer i worked a little bit at kmart and decided after a while that it was terrible and i’d rather finish school faster so i could move so i quit and did summer school. eventually I decided I was already really close to finishing college so I decided to suck it up and just get my degree. I was taking part 2 of my geo class but they kicked me out of the class because of some really dumb technical reason and there was no extra spots in the class so I had to wait to take it. I failed my liberal arts 1 class so I had to retake it. finally my last semester there I had an easy math teacher and passed and I destroyed my geo class and finally graduated. tompkins had moved away to another college so at this point the only people I was chillin with anymore was stuckwisch and christian. it was kinda sucky because tompkins was the friend i’d talk to about everything and be pretty open with and he was really busy so I kinda held a lot of stuff in for a while. I tried to transfer to the school I wanted to go to but I couldnt get in to it cause it was just not enough time to do everything and get in for the spring. So I took 6 monthes off. I didnt really do a whole lot. I had my rent already paid up for the year so I just took it really easy. Which I kinda needed but at the same time I was bored a lot, would get depressed and frustrated, and I was still really lost about what I really wanted to do for the future. Everything I looked at seemed like misery to have to take as a degree or get a career in. Honestly even now I still have no idea what I really want to do.

During this period of 6 monthes and ever since I had quit energy drinks I started getting massive headaches and weird sleep issues. Plus I had hurt my back so I was going to the dr alot, and to physical therapy. I tried different medications for sleep and migraines which some sorta worked but some were super terrible. The treatment for migraine meds worked but they also cause massive anxiety and i couldnt sit still like i had to exercise just to try to relax and even then it was overwhelming. I had started taking anxiety meds to counter that and sleep better which sorta worked but even still i still had issues sleeping and i was still getting the headaches a lot. Physical therapy helped but never really fixed the problem. I finally got a sleep study but i got really claustrophobic in the lab and couldnt fall asleep so I left and hadnt really gotten much done for a lot of that 6 monthes. I finally switched back to my old dr because the one i had was just really bad and never listened. The other parts of my 6 monthes I had written for my journal off and on to get it all out, and I had gotten really in to some gaming and in to super hero shows and movies, and had thoughts about being someone who was a critic for those things cause i enjoyed it. I guess I got in to the super hero stuff because it wasnt ordinary life, and I was depressed with life a little so it was like my escape in a way. I thought itd be cool to be one sometimes and always wondered if the reason i havent found what i wanted to do is if it isnt real yet or if i was meant for something more because everything I looked for didnt really match me. I eventually went for outdoor recreation because I like the outdoors and it seemed as close as i could get to liking something and psychology had a lot of lame jobs if you didnt get a masters and a masters was super hard to get to and im miserable at math and learning languages and there was a lot of that for a degree that had nothing to do with that. I sometimes wished I could go to space or start a colony on another planet, or just something out of the ordinary cause ordinary life on earth sucks. I did a lot of introspection in my aloneness, and I definitely felt lonely during this period. I mean i was happier than I had been in some ways because it was nice to get away from responsibilitys and things being hard and i really needed a break from school, but I was by myself a lot and partied quite a bit to cause why not? Finallyyy I movedd.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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Kimberly

Kimberly-this was the last girl before my third serious relationship. Some time after things with Marie didnt happen I started talking to Kimberly. She was super pretty, like intimidatingly. She went to my school and we talked online. The talks were really deep, and we talked often. To my surprise she was completely about meeting up with me and getting to know me. The first time we met we talked for like 2 hours straight before I had to head back home. She lived kinda close to where I lived and I asked her to coffee. I picked her up in my kinda shitty car and we talked forever. Like to the point that I had a headache and I couldnt even think straight. We talked about so many things. Our lives, our ideas on love, the past. I was beyond nervous. I would look at her and just think she was perfect. She was smart, probably more so than me, pretty, had a sense of humor but also serious, and could hold a conversation well, and we just seemed to connect on a deeper level. It felt to good to be true I mean I definitely felt like she was out of my league a bit and I kinda thought it was sort of a date cause thats what it felt and seemed like. I would sometimes come to her house and hang out one on one, and other times with her friends. It felt like that feeling like it was everything you’ve been looking for. We had similar movie tastes and thoughts and ideas, music, etc. I learned about her and she learned about me. I remember she was raised in foster care, and I remember what she told me about her first relationship, and I sorta would talk about her to her best friend and she was rooting for things to happen. I felt weirdly motivated to be a better person and I even wanted to be like her which is weird because I had never felt that way before. There was an intense admiration and I guess I was also just ready for something serious and with someone like her. We talked a while, and I think the only thing we ever disagreed on was love. She was the type of person who wanted to be friends with someone for 6 monthes before considering a relationship and I feel like part of that reason was because of her ex who was shitty, and I could understand her point of view and reasoning of why she does that even though I kind of feel like some of those things are true but I also felt like how can you logically think through 6 monthes if you feel crazy about someone? I can understand getting to know someone for a while and finding out what you think of someone, but if your falling for someone really hard and they are amazing why wait? Sometimes love blooms in the moment, passion can really bond people and if you wait that moment may pass. Plus a lot of times if you’re friends for to long you may be close but you might not feel the same if you dont allow yourself that extra closeness and deeper bonding. her friend said to be patient and give it time, but I dont think she realized how her friend actually felt. I did give it some time, I flirted a little, and being around her felt like I could die. Finally I just had to be upfront and ask how she really felt and if it was ever going to go anywhere possibly. I feel like I might have been willing to wait, but she just saw me as friend and that it wasnt going to go anywhere. It hurt. Things just felt a certain way and like it was going somewhere from the start and then nothing. Her and Marie were the 2 people that I really saw a lot in when it came to being similar and on the same level and just having this deeper thing about them on top of being smart and interesting, intimidating, and fun and just feeling this crazy connection. I have shared connections with people and being similar, but something always felt like it was missing, or I was a deeper person or there was just something lacking, but they felt different. I guess its always possible that I really built them up in my head and in time if things actually happened maybe i’d see through that view but i remember my thoughts and feelings and the conversations and i’ll probably always see it a certain way.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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The ghost that haunted me

You. You’re always a ghost. I at one point thought I understood you, because we are so alike, we match in to many ways. You’re the Tumblr girl. You’re a creation of fantasy and desire. We share the same interests and ideals, you once said I understand you quite well. Maybe I do, but not as much as I used to. I would watch you in class all the time cause you were different, you were weird, you interested me. I had a friend who had a class with you in class, she thought you were plain with not much to say, but she was so wrong, I knew it in my heart and I saw it with my eyes. I see your posts about sex, love, and sometimes nothing to do with it, but it means something, and I shudder, cause I get it, and I die. Or do I? Maybe you’re just a creation of my mind, my imagination, more than you really are, but I like it. You said you’re not really looking for a relationship, you’re to busy, but every time you talk to me, I just, I dunno, I come to life, I hope for something that I know will never happen. You’re just a friend I wish I knew, wish I understood even more. Even if it was just a night, I just want to know…

“dont make me come over there and tackle you i hate compliments i will suffocate you with my peanut butter!”

“ Wahhhhbulanceee! Bring it. You won’t win.”

what it is to spend so much time with someone only to find out she is a stranger.

“mwuah mwuah mwuah!”

“I look at you every single day and I don’t understand anything about you, your the impossible girl, the only mystery worth solving.”

“I’ve imagined it a million times. Sharing writing, photography, thoughts, interests and more as I look in your eyes, absorb your smile, listen to your voice, as you nervously play with your hair, your hands, and more. You’re hands are warm when I touch them, smooth, soft, like your legs. You talk about the past like it still bothers you, but I know you’re happy to have someone else to share yourself with. We’d share the good, bad, and the weird because we are quirky. Maybe play a game to take a break and just have fun. Maybe have a drink to take away the edge”.

“Then i’d take you’re breath away with a kiss that you’ve never known possible. The chills it brought would scare you in such a way that you push away, but, I advance again, feeling you with my hands, the rush so intense, it instantly makes you wet. The anticipation is so much, but you want it and realize this is what you’ve always wanted. You tear my shirt off and bite at my neck as you’re nails dig in to my back. I like it and it makes me really hard, so I push you down as I slowly pull your shirt up and I kiss and bite all the way up over your head all the while as you feel me push up against you. You turn me over on my back, tracing your finger from my mouth, down my stomach and to my pants. You undo them wanting to see the prize inside. You grab it, just to feel the size, the hardness, the blood pumping with excitement because of you. It just turns you on more and you take them off and lick it. You play with it, tease me. Its so intense but I like it, I want more. Finally you stand up and take off your pants and underwear and motion me to get up. I do, and I pick you up and throw you against the wall. I roughly push myself inside of you and keep going as I kiss you passionately. You pull my hair and hold on to the back of my head as you moan in ecstasy. It feels so good. It then progresses to the bed, I throw you down, I spank you, and then I go in. I go while I pull your hair, bite you, play with your clit. Your'e so wet at this point, dripping all over the sheets. Every thrust goes through your body, were sweating hard. Finally, you want to take control and you get on me, and you start riding me, wanting me to cum hard. During this I realize you’re about to cum, I feel you shaking, your nails digging into my chest, and then finally you do. You feel your body go numb with how incredible it is. You swear you came at least 3 times before it ended. Then, I lay you down as I quicken my pace, looking in to your eyes with such intensity, then it happens, I cum. I cum so hard all over your chest. It feels warm like candle wax, you feel dirty, but you like it so much.”

“You want more, but you also just want to let the whole night and day just sink in, so we lay there out of breath with nothing to say. Finally we hold on to each other, and talk about life some more, kiss, watch tv, and finally fall asleep.”

“The problem with intrigue is that it can consume you. It can make you fantasize and create a whole picture of something that may not even be true, and the less you know, with just bits and pieces added on every once and a while creates a bigger and bigger image as your strung along by the rope that may some day make you choke.

I’m not a ghost anymore but you are”

“I’ll blame it all on my mind because this what I created in my head. So imaginary.”

“just kiss me. everywhere.”

“I would love to lay you down and explore every part of your body in the morning light. I want to pleasure you in ways you’ve never experienced. I want you to feel you inside of me, and on top of me in a motion the waves would jealous of. i want you”.

“Um that part on love when you described the sexual aspects of it made me really really REALLY just want you right here, right now. Ugh.”

“As you learned from part 1 I have an obsession with love, and I could probably write an entire massive blog just on the subject, its played a big part in my life and holds a lot of meaning. Its been the best and worst parts of my life. When I love I feel like I open up a lot of first, but then I put my guard up and push away. I dont mean to, I just get scared, bored, take it for granted, but then if I feel like its going to go away I realize what I have sometimes and if I feel like I really love this person and I trust them and I feel like i’m secure with them I put a lot in to them and make them my world. It scares me when I love that much because i’ve been hurt before and I always half expect it to happen again. When I’m with someone I like them to be open, with a little mystery, I like to know I can trust them and that they will always be mine, I like to play around, I like to cuddle, I like being able to talk and have stuff in common but also be able to be quiet and comfortable around them. I like to watch movies, or go on adventures. I like learning and being learned about, sharing whats on each others minds, sharing our day, our dreams, our feelings, and more. I like stability, and consistency and equalness. I love closeness, intimacy, touching, feeling, smelling, holding, kissing, nudging, rubbing. Sex is also very important and needed. I don’t have sex just because it feels good, its special, its meaningful, it makes me feel closer. That feeling of becoming One with the one you love more than anything in the world is the most beautiful, intense, amazing thing in the world. The kissing, touching, hair pulling, scratching, biting, lovemaking, fucking the hell out of, or gently, the pleasure you feel and knowing that your'e giving to that person you care so much about as she feels everything you put in to her, the way she moans, screams, shakes, holds on to you. How and sweaty she feels, how hot and warm you can make her, the way you can soak the sheets with how moist she is, that combination of desire, love, meaning, beauty, togetherness. It’s beautiful, wonderful, perfect. When I make love, i’m not just loving your body, i’m loving your mind, your soul, my soul becomes a combination with the other persons soul.”

“I’m not big on games, but I suppose a small challenge, a little mystery, a little fear, a little surprise is nice to keep it interesting. This is just touching the surface on my thoughts, because like I said I could write a humongous amount on the subject.”

These are all things said to each other. I’ve never forgot it even though so much time has passed. I dont even know why I think about it, it just kinda gets at me sometimes. I just remember seeing her for the first time. She dressed differently, it was that and the way she looked and something that just seemed odd and different about her just caught my eye. I remember staring at her and just dying inside. I had a gf at the time so i just watched her and never said a word. One day me and my gf broke up and and i just watched lisa trying to gather the courage just to say something. I was terribly scared, I have anxiety issues and it took everything in me to do it but i was determined. I followed her to her car and managed to ask if i could get her number. Amazingly she said yes and I was seriously soooo happy.

I dont remember to much anymore that far back, but i just remember she was quirky, and she was always messin with her hair or had it hiding her face. But I was in awe of her. She made my heart beat all crazy. I feel like we talked for a while and she got me in to making a tumblr. I cant count how many hrs i’d look at her posts all the time. She had a draw on me I cant understand. Something about her just took over me. Everything she would write or post just drew admiration. She felt familiar and mysterious. I felt like I understood her and she even said that. But I think from what i remember she just decided to be my friend… I couldnt do it though. I didnt want to let her go but I just felt a lot and didnt know how to handle that.

I felt like we were back and forth on talking at random times, and shed post anonymous things to me. I always knew it was her and my insides would alway feel crazy. We almost met a few times but she bailed on me every time. It made me mad and it hurt a little, but for some reason every time she came around I just couldnt help myself. In time i realized that she wasnt over her ex and thats probably why things werent happening with us. Well I left her anonymous questions and wrote things about her. I checked her tumblr every single day for so many monthes. I felt nearly certain I understood her, and everything she would post would just grab at me.

In time I gave up that anything would ever happen, it just never felt like she wanted me but i couldnt stopthe feeling I felt. Then suddenly she messaged me and asked if I wanted to be open to being sexual which came out of nowhere, but inside i fell to pieces. I wanted to. so bad. i had imagined it so many times, but I had a gf and our relationship was good and I didnt want to mess that up for someone whos never been a sure thing. I liked the way shed talk, how detailed and thoughtful she was. I liked the intellectual artistic wild random girl that she was. she reminded me sometimes as a dreamer and someone whos just trying to figure things out and is open to so much. I wanted more than anything in my life just to spend that night with her. She was my worst temptation. I thought about it when I’d get high. when i’d be at the bar getting drunk. She tortured my mind. I practically went crazy. my friend daniel knew how i was feeling and he tried his best to keep me sane. Eventually she deleted her tumblr and its been the best worse thing cause I always wonder about her. That work of art that I imagine her to be. I had dream after dream that haunted me for quite some time. Shes probably doing stuff with her life and with someone who admires her the way I did. I still think about her at least once a week, I just have this thing in me that just wants a night just to talk to her and explore her and see what shes really like so I never have to think about what she is. she feels like the one regret I wish I could explore. Shes the only person whos made me wonder and admire and fantasize about and its a terrible feeling. She probably thinks im weird and a freak but this has been on my mind off and on for years and I just wish there was something I could do about it.

Last time I saw her was in my historical geo class that I couldnt get in to. I felt like i couldnt breathe every day that week. I felt so scared. I felt like I had so much I wish I could have said, it was torture. I just stared out the side of my eye and just felt so much anxiety. I never said anything, I didnt know how. I even wrote a long note in class showing things from my point of view and then I just threw it in the trash, and then I didnt get put in the class, and other then one time I was scared to get out of my car cause she was nearby I’ve never seen her again and i’ll always wonder probably for the rest of my life. I lost her number and I have no idea where she is and she doesnt have a fb or anything.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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Marie

Shortly after Me and Hope broke up after a little time getting over her I really started noticing this girl in my class. I dont know why she stuck out to me so much, but I was just incredibly drawn by her. I mean I though she was cute, and she had long hair, and she dressed differently, and I would just watch her across the class, hiding her face, messin with her hair. I did this for so many days and then I finally told myself to stop bein a pussy and just go for it. So, I gathered a ton of courage and followed her out of the class. I was shittin bricks and I didnt say anything till she got right to her car. I quickly asked her for her number and was really surprised when she said yes. I felt so ridiculously happy. Now from here my memory of how things kinda blurs and maybe even the order of things. I mean I was single I was startin to party for the first time in a bit which was really the first time I really ever did cause I just never did that to much. But I remember we talked, either while she was at work or after she got off. I would just wait for her to message me cause I liked talkin to her. Sometimes wed walk together after class and I always felt stupidly nervous, but it was thrilling and Id just stare at her as we walked. She was a little quirky but I liked that. As I got to know her she finally got me to get a tumblr since I was already a writer at the time, and hey look at me now i’m still on tumblr writing. I started to write some and post some because for some reason she just brought out this inspired artistic part out of me. She sorta helped me get me out of me. I would sorta just look at her posts throughout the day and the more i’d study the way she talked to me and what she posted I started to feel like I understood her, and in a lot of weird ways I felt so alike with her. It just felt right in a way, and she was one of the first people that in a connective and intellectual way seemed to be that thing I had always been looking for. Or at least it felt that way at the time to me. When I explained what I thought of her she actually even said it seemed like I really did understand her. Now this is where things get blurry: we have a history of talkin off and on so where we stopped and start is tough to say but there were times we stopped talking. I hated that, we always had the worst timing when it came to talking to each other, if thats what it is. I definitely remember when I first used tumblr I was showing her my writing and poetry. Ocassionally I would get anon. messages or comments that I felt like was her. Some of it was naughty, or very flirty but if it was her I didnt mind. I liked similar music than her. I remember one comment she made that I actually remember being her is when she left mwuah mwuah and I said it back. lol. and she liked the eternal sunshine movie, and she said she hates compliments, and that shed suffocate me with her peanut butter, which was funny to me. At some point we stopped talking and I never got to go on that coffee date with her. eventually she talked to me again and asked me how I was doing. I feel like we probably messaged each other some, we both were like life what are we doing right now? and some random drunk messages. At some point she messaged me and I dunno if this was before or after her bf broke up but she messaged me askin if maybe I wanted to meet up no strings attached. well, this killed me because I wasnt in a position that I could do that. I dont know why it bothered me so bad but I guess there was just this part of me that was just so curious about what she was really like in person and outside of school. I also just wanted to experience her mind, her world, her body, and just so many things, after following her and off and on talking to her my curiousity was killing me and in some ways i kinda wondered if I had started building her up as a big fantasy after this much time had past in some ways. It was horrible. For some reason i had off and on regrets about not going for it, I woke up almost every other day just thinking about her and that for two or three monthes just sort of torturing myself. my friend tompkins was like you need to let it go at this point its just a fantasy and youve gotten ur hopes up before just let it go. and sometimes when id take my anxiety meds when I was taking them it made me dive in to those feelings a lot. well she disappeared and got rid of her account and I got a new phone so I didnt have her number. I had tried really hard to find her on some other websites if possible and i asked a few of her old tumblr friends if they knew of any way to reach her. I got really drunk and did this 2 or three times. eventually I let it go and a lot of stuff happened with my life. She crossed my mind occasionally though when it came to certain things. I had only met one other girl that I had known a short time that had that sort of deep thing about her that I saw in marie. Eventually she got back on tumblr and shes thinkin of movin to the beach. Makes me wonder if i’ll ever see her again.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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“Hope”

This part is the first part on tumblr that i’m really writing myself, the rest is stuff I wrote in 2012, its 2016 now so im a lottt different I was back then. after the stuff with Jones I sorta talked to my brothers ex because he was only with her for a few days and he said I could and her name was “hope”. We talked online a lot and she instantly was just about me. She just felt like she could trust me and and I think she had some insecuritys but after all the hell I had been through and just trying to find someone I was just ready to open myself up again and love someone after 6 monthes of bleh. We first met at my house and she dropped by some cupcakes for me, and the 2nd time we met up we watched the walking dead. I remember taking her virginity and getting to know her more but at first I didnt really even like her, but I still gave her a chance, and in time I really started to fall for her. we were super in to each other and then after 6 monthes we broke up but that made us just get crazy jealous and we got back together. I remember she was quirky and weird and a bit too goofy at times but it was real. She had an eating disorder and and some emotional issues from when she was younger. She was a little chunky at the time but I still cared about her. But it got bad, she was bulimic and never ate anything and no matter how much love, advice, help Id tried to give she wouldnt stop. She then was prescribed prozac and got put on the hormonal ring for sex and she just completely changed. She lost a lot of weight, started drinking more, started getting random mood swings, and it was like she wasnt even the same person anymore. I would sometimes hear rumors about how she was holding hands with other guys or cuddling with them but I never believed that cause I had faith in her. We broke up and she sorta had a small fling with a guy and then it didnt go anywhere and stupid me took her back. I felt weird cause she eventually told me she got blackout drunk at a party and might have fucked a few guys. It made me feel weird cause I had never had sex with a girl who had had sex with other guys before. It just felt, impure. I think part of it is when I was younger I had wanted to be with a person who had only had me because I thought that would be special and after hearing that it felt tainted. I know it sounds hypocritical because I had been with someone before but thats just how it made me feel and I guess with the bad stuff that had happened to me before made me feel insecure. well we got back together and she didnt want to put our relationship on fb apparently because her mom saw our texts and didnt approve of me so it needed to be a secret. I should have known better but we would still meet and stuff in her basement and hang out. But we would fight all the time and I felt like she should have stood up to her mom and if her mom didnt accept that we should have just lived together and start our own life. well little did i know is she would go partyand talk to other guys behind my back still. Id hear about it but still had blinds over my eyes. During this I started going to a history class, and I noticed this girl with long hair. she was always playin with it and Id always stare at her. I really wanted to talk to her but I knew I shouldnt cause I was in a realtionship and thats not who I was. Well finally there was rumours that hope fucked this guy on a school trip. When I confronted her she denied it very emotionally. The next day I saw her and she had hickeys on her neck and she said her cat scratched her and it was a reaction to that…The following day she finally admitted she was talking to someone else and it just killed me. I believed in her so much despite what people were saying and then she finally tells me that. This was the 2nd big relationship where someone talked to someone and broke up with me for that and this relationship i put everything in to it. After seeing that so many things just seemed to drop in to place. At first I was really depressed and somehow still wanted her, but then she started dating one of my friends and I had never been so angry in my life. they broke up eventually and she randomly showed up drunk to my house saying she missed me and stuff and even after that she didnt really seem to care that much. So one day I tripped on lsd and i saw things from a different perspctive and I got over her like extremely fast despite the hurt and anger I felt.

Looking back, its weird how you can sometimes still care about a person but just know that was horrible. She eventually told me everything id ever said to her about our relationship and what to expect from other guys was completely true and that she really fucked up, but at that point it was just to late. I’d post my last message that i ever sent but how I feel now compared to then just doesnt deserve it, it deserves to be forgot.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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When I finally wrote this

been watching heroes for a bit, this ep was a bit to intense, haha. it was sad. anyways, i finally might get to writing more of my life story. I havent ever written about this part of my life, and honestly the only thing ive got left anymore might be old messages and a poem I wrote a long time ago to do with this period, thats it. Maybe I didnt write about it because to write about it was to let it go, to write about it was to accept things for what it was, maybe I was afraid shed see it, I honestly cant remember because I know for a long time after I did everything I humanly could to forget because remembering hurt far to much. The day me and Moo Moo broke up I didnt honestly believe it was over, we always made up and made it work, she was loyal and mine and we pushed through everything together. I believed she would never leave. I literally believed that she wouldnt ever go, she’d always be there. That was during a time that I had really never been hurt to that extreme before, I actually trusted her with all my heart, and I mean with everything, she was a good person, she had been through so much already, dealt with me at my worst, dealt with all the craziness like with drake and meds and crying in the shower, attempted suicide, she knew me in and out more than anyone really did at that time. I dont know if i was friends friends with tompkins or not yet but even he didnt know me like that. So yeah i didnt believe it when she said it. well the next day came around and there was no messages saying she wanted me back or was sorry, there wasnt anything. so I messaged her and she said it was really over. so I started to panic a little and was like no, I need you, I love you, and I really really started to realize it recently what you really meant to me, I wanted to do a special thing for you on valentines day, etc. but she completely wouldnt take it. She gave me the reasons she gave on that last blog i sent, and I said I could change and Id do anything for her but she said it was to late. well finally I asked if it was lucas, and she admitted it was, she admitted to hanging out with him and just talking to him for hrs in his dorm room. she said nothing happened, but she felt things with him she hadnt felt with me in a really long time. She felt like they connected and he deserved a chance. I was upset, I felt like i’d been the one with her all this time, why does he deserve a chance? dont I get a chance to prove I can change? she didnt even give me that, she just let me go…Well from there, it was back and forth for a while trying to beg for her back, but she wouldnt allow it. I would go in to our public speaking class and stare at her, sorta small talk, but not really saying anything. it freaked me out, scared me. How we could have been so close to nothing at all. She still wore my promise ring every day and it confused me. The pain in me started growing worse and worse and I was starting to lose it. I started having panic attacks off and on, i’d lie in my bed in the dark listening to dark depressing music, or music that reminded me of her. I’d scream in to the blankets, punch the walls, cry, I would curse at god for letting it happen, i’d beg him to let me have her back but nothing changed. My dad tried to explain what I was going to go through and what i’d have to do. He tried to get me to promise not to do anything drastic but he couldnt have prepared me in the least to how I was going to feel. Every day that i’d wake up i’d be completely numb, it was just pain to the point of losing my mind. Every day felt like a blur, I always had goosebumps, i’d replay every moment that I could remember in my head over and over. I couldnt see the world around me, it was all slow motion and so very cold. I could barely do school. I wasnt there in my head. my grades started dropping, I was failing math, but I didnt care about anything, she was all I had keeping me going through what was already hell, she was my strength through the court stuff with drake and what it caused, and now I felt like I had no one. When it came to my class with her I wouldnt do any of the presentations in front of the class, i did them in front of my teacher for a lesser grade. I couldnt face her anymore, I loved her still even through the pain, I couldnt stop, I couldnt let it go. My mom would try to talk to me and get me out but mostly I just stayed home and dwelled in it. The darkness in my heart only grew as i layed in my room listening to music as I would be in and out of a dream state as I replayed the memories. I couldnt tell much from reality anymore, as far as I knew I was already in hell. I thought from time to time about how I could go find this guy and hurt him. I thought about cutting his face and making him ugly. I thought about beating him down with a bat. I was seriously going crazy and I didnt care anymore. Sometimes I wanted revenge on her, I wanted her to hurt just as much as me. I wanted to do things to her so she couldnt pain anymore, so she couldnt do what she loved. but I knew i shouldnt do any of these things and that I was just severely broken after already going through so much. I had no one to really go to, it was just me falling apart in my head. I thought about suicide so many times. I didnt see what the point of living was anymore. Her friend that I flirted with, well she started asking about everything and I would talk to her about how I felt, and shes sort of the reason I wrote out my life story. It helped get some of the pain out. The few things I wrote to do with after the relationship were these things: Me and the girl I was with for two years have finally broken up much to my dismay, it came expectedly but in a I didn’t believe it till it happened way. First year I feel like for some people isn’t to bad, everythings fresh and new, kind of learning experience, but after some time, that kind of dies down, you have to kind of work at it in whats best for the both of you. Temptations will come your way, its to be expected, sometimes you just lose the feeling, or just plain boredom. Dont make the mistake of falling in to temptation, especially if you care for who you are with, it does nothing but hurt the both of you in the end. taking antidepressants can either hurt or hinder your relationship in different ways, it can either help or hurt you when trying to have sex, it can make your personality change for the worse, or make you feel nothing for your partner. Just depends on how your body accepts it. I fell in to temptation but chose her in the end and dealt with personal pain for 3 monthes. Meds didnt work out for me, but prozac was amazing for sex. I dealt with trouble trying to get used to being off the meds and figuring out what I want. It was a big issue for a while and by the time I really knew what I wanted it was too late. Which I learned that even good people can lie and hurt you. I learned many small things and know what to look for in the future if it ever came to it, but I learned to love and accept someone for who they were despite the flaws and not a total click in personality. I was actually going to propose after feeling this, cause I loved before, but this was something different, its like I let go of my self completely and it was just a constant flow of happy and love and want to do anything and change if need be, it was the most extreme feeling ever, it was like how i felt the first year, but, way deeper and meaningful, like i knew for sure this is who I wanted to be with. Next thing of course is if you ever see your partner acting a little strange, find out why as soon as possible. One of the worst feelings though is heartbreak. For me, it seems to have changed me in a way, It forced me to grow up and change and to not expect things to always work out, which even now I continue to do so because I havent accepted things for what they are. Knowing friends I know love can destroy people and wreck their lives, but for others its a fresh start, a new beginning, or just a learning experience. Sometimes you need to let go of that certain someone to let them figure out what they want, it may or may not work out for you in the end, but sticking together wont make things better in all cases. I personally hurt like hell at a constant rate and it comes and goes, i’m trying to be supportive, but it hurts knowing where my heart is and the hope of her realizing that things arent always better on the other side of things..All I can do is wait and see what happens but on the other end of things I’ll have to keep on the look out of other people, but I dont believe that things will ever be like it was with her… so I wear your clothes when I miss you the most everywhere I go I see your ghost, what should I do, what should I do? I was on cloud 9 till you let me fall now i’m just trying to put my feet on the ground, but your voice is the only sound. How can we be friends when your loving him? Don’t you feel like you committed the biggest sin? In the end, what should I do, what should I do? You’re still everything my heart desires, and every day my body feels like its on fire, The only thing that cools me down are the tears that fall from my face and to the ground. What should I do, what should I do when i’m missing you? I hope one day maybe you’ll see that i’m the one that you can believe, but right now thats all I can do is wait for you. Do you remember how it felt to want to kiss me at the park? Do you remember the first time you wanted to hold me close, do you remember those urges you held inside until one day I finally decided? Do you remember our first date and the kiss that followed? The sheetz run and talking with my mom before we let you go? Do you remember how it felt when everyone asked if were together, that we looked so good for each other? Do you remember the storys we used to share while I played with your hair? Do you remember the days at the park were we started to bond, one of our first pictures there was under the sun. Do you remember getting high and feeling so great, and all the damn pizza that we ate? Do you remember when you didnt know how to kiss, and I showed you how to do it just like this? Do you remember how we spent every day after school together, no matter what work we had or the weather? Do you remember how I could never decide which side I wanted to hold your hand and sit with you during movies? Do you remember when I asked if you were ok with this, before I put my hand in your shirt and felt your chest. Do you remember the heat of your face when repeatedly you had my lips to taste? Do you remember the first time we “touched” and we were so scared? I made sure that you knew that I cared. Do you remember prom and what I wanted it to be? it ended up perfect dont you see? Do you remember how we danced the night away, and the breaths in my chest seemed to never stay. Do you remember my eyes as you looked in to them, as we experienced the moment that I put myself in? Do you remember the feeling of things being more perfect than they’d ever been? Do you remember the sensation you felt that night, us being one while I was inside. Do you remember the weekends that i’d come around, even in the snow from my house to yours? Do you remember the passion that we shared, from the stairs to your bed, over and over again? Do you remember how happy you were and how you couldnt get enough, before we knew it, we were truly in love? I remember it all and will continue to, I will remember how you would say I luff you. I will remember how you would tell me to pick you up and hold, how I would kiss your face, almost every day. I will remember the hard times we pushed through, and the cold days i’d work to get a present for you. I remember the talks we’d have, and the scary moments we pulled together through. What I know is i’ll continue to miss and love you and thats one thing that is true, I know its true love cause I still want to be with you. I love you and I’m thinking about you constantly, i’m sorry I cant talk to much right now, but words cant touch what i’m going through. Trust me i’d do anything to be with you. 12:43am I didnt want anything with her friend, but I needed someone to get me through the pain. Tompkins and I started hanging out with more and more, and we’d go on all those long walks I told you about, well on those walks i’d tell him about my entire life, and I started talking to him about what I was going through, we got closer and closer over time and he started becoming my best friend. It still didnt wipe away the pain. I started smoking pot from my usual once a week to every single day. I’d go to my friendsansons and smoke with my friends heavily. i’m talking 2 or more blunts a day. I just wanted to escape my hellish world, and since that next semester started I only took 2 classes instead of 5 because my depression was so heavy and bad I couldnt do more than that. well I had all this free time so i’d spent lots of time getting completely fucked up all the time. I just couldnt handle the pain. Well I later decided to take shrooms, and it wasnt a high amount, so i just felt sorta confused coming up, and it hit me in waves and i just felt really high with a euphoria, but no visuals really. I tried acid and it was a low dose to, and i barely felt much, it just felt like every time id go in to a different room my mind would change, but it was wayyy weaker than stuff i’ve taken. I did dmt 2 more times and just partied a lot, i really just stopped caring about anything anymore, i’d pretty much given up on myself. I took all kinds of risks all the time, i just felt manic depressive, i had just run wild. I drove high, I went caving, I went on rides, I did all this stupid shit that could have killed me or sent me to jail. Nothing seemed to be changing to much other than Moo Moo and Lukas were official and they were only getting closer, it had been a few months now, closing in to summer, and the pain was still there, I still loved her and was also hating her at the same time. I dont know why I couldnt let go but even my mom noticed that I still couldnt. Well I had talked to a lot of girls but they were all horrible, and not to mention you sorta just compare everyone to that first love it felt like. finally dylans and smith, who were dating got their friend Crazy to come over. well, we started talking, but she was really weird. I couldnt quite feel attracted to her even though she was nice and filled my lonliness a bit. we made out and stuff but she would let me fool around with her, or even touch her back which was weird. finally i let her go cause i just didnt like her. well finally the summer came and i started talking to this redhead clark. I finally felt like i’d met a good girl and we went for coffee and talked for a while. I also started working at ollies finally, which was really hard cause i had to work night shift every night. it was pure labor and it was hell. I hated it so much and i never had a life, and i slept all day, worked all night, and got fucked up when I could to escape. over that summer I was mostly sober due to working and everything i had been trying to escape from for so long was just flooding back in, like i had barely been a month away from the break up. I’d go in to the bathroom having panic attacks and cry, i really thought i was going crazy. not only that but the stuff with drake would haunt me over and over. I know i had asked for help, but the only counselor i was able to see was a preacher and i wasnt opening up to them. The pure hell and pain I kept suffering no one should ever have felt, but i couldnt escape it, and i had grown so far used to getting fucked up off anything i could all the time. I kinda felt when i’d smoke i was more creative so I wrote more, I made a tumblr as an escape. It felt like my writing meant something and people liked it and followed it and commented on it. The more I stayed in this drug and pain world the more i distanced myself from reality and human interaction. I didnt feel like I knew how to talk to people anymore, I distrusted people because of her, and drake, and I hated to be around people. Well the girl Clark didnt want me so my heart was just hurt again. it seemed no one wanted to be with me no matter how many people I looked for love in. Me and big boobs were also becoming closer friends and she told me that her and lukas were apparently having sex now, which she told me she never would when they first were together. I felt sick, I felt like she had finally crossed the line of no return with me. As I drove home I wanted to throw up, I imagined them fucking each other, it hurt so much, i felt betrayed, like that was our thing that we shared together and she ruined the purity of what we shared. I wanted to run my car in to whatever i could, but I went home and cried myself to sleep. I felt no more love after that. just bitterness. So I got drunk and talked to an ex and drove to her house and fucked her. I didnt feel anything for her, i just fucked her and left. I didnt talk to her for a week, but she asked and I told her I cared for her as a friend but i didnt feel anything but i’d still do that with her, and she i feel like actually cared, but she was lonely to so she was ok with that, so I came by just one more time to do that. For some reason being she was the second person I had sex with it made me feel horribly guilty. In some sense I felt like I betrayed Moo Moo even though I was done with that in my head 12:58am I was told about having a court date in the future where i’d finally have to testify against drake about what he did to me, im sorta lost and confused on when all this happened so im piecing it together and how I feel like it was. I finally became friend with Ohl. well, over the summer we sorta both were going through the same painful feelings of a first love break up, for him it had been over a year and he was still going through it. for me it had been about 6 monthes. we connected on what that was like for us. we’d drink and share music and he’d play guitar, play games with me, play pokemon and smash bros. he started coming over a lot and staying the night. I had finally found someone who understood and I could connect with after so much hell. We started hiking all the time, we’d do crazy adventurous things, we camped once, he stole a bunch of cigs, we took ecstasy twice together, we drove drunk once, we’d go to hookah really fucked up a few times, we were a team who matched really well but probably were the worst things for each other in a sense, we both just didnt care cause of the pain we were in. Well, this is also another secret i really havent told anyone, but I had a 3 some with him an this lady who was married. we both had planned on it for a month and got high and finally did, it was really awkward, but a huge thrill. Finally we met jones, that girl u met at the art show whos dating james, well me and her started talking and hanging out at the college a lot, well, she sorta led me on some, and i got Ohl talking to her friend robin. we would go to guys and dolls which my god was redneck and ghetto trash central, and i almost got in a fight there. well we played pool and went out on the town a few times. We also smoked pot with the owner of guys and dolls. well one day we stayed the night at her house and stayed up all night, i drove so deleriously to school that i almost wrecked. well My bro started dating Hope. they had dated like 2 or 3 days, and my mom let her stay the night, well me and Ohl got really drunk and ate mcdonalds and tried to get people to come over, well they didnt, so we asked lauren and robin to come over. well they finally did, they only had a few shots and Jones took her clothes off and was walking around my house naked, well we took her downstairs cause my dad was coming home. my bro and Hope were upstairs just cuddling, and i had met her earlier, well Jones jumped on me and started taking my clothes off and wanted to have a 3 some, but then she was like i have to tell u something, i fucked some guy before i came over. well, that hurt, a lot, i really liked Jones and i had been getting close to her and it made me mad. well i finally just agreed to a 3some cause after that i wasnt going to talk to her anymore. well she got naked, but she wouldnt let me or Sanson fuck her, she made daniel go upstairs and so me and Sanson fingered her, well, she liked when i did it better and said she i was really good at it, derrik not so much, well she jerked us off and in the middle of it we could hear my dad come in. well Ohl and robin were naked on the couch, but my dad was so wasted he fell asleep upstairs. 1:04am Well robin and Ohl started fucking in my bathroom and she was moaning so obnoxiously and fakely loud we started laughing downstairs. My sister knocked on the door asking to use tha bathroom, and she knew they were fucking. well we all laughed about it later and we all fell asleep. after that i made Jones leave the next day and never talked to her again. i was really hurt and just so sick of girls. well me and ohl and my friend Christian hung out alot and got drunk at my house a lot and played games and all got close. after a while wound up talking to my ex Mexico and she was all like im done with this shitty guy blah blah, but then he found out i was trying to get back with her and made that stop, and then she just disappeared. well my brother and Hope had broke up so i asked if it was ok if i talked to her cause i was attracted to her and it didnt go anywhere with them and he said sure, so i started talking to her and we sorta clicked in some ways because she was wanting all the same things as me and we were both lonely and stuff. well. thats a story for another night I feel like i’ve left enough for you.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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Finally the time for school was here. Something to set my mind to, something to hopefully motivate me and get me started in the right direction, or at least that’s the intention. My memory really is bad thinking back on this moment, due to anxiety, antidepressants i’ll be taking and emotional trauma, but i’ll get to what I remember. I remember finally getting ready to go to school, me and Moo Moo were excited to do this together. We were starting on our future, taking classes together, being there for each other, and really getting along. We started spending long nights at her moms work to do homework or me spend the night so I could ride with her to school the next day or drive her. It really was a lot of fun and she actually kept me motivated and focused. I quit smoking and drinking for the most part except some weekends, but there began to be a downside to quitting so abruptly after doing it so much in the summer. I went to school and it was like I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t remember anything well, I couldn’t find my way around to classes, and It took me a really long time to learn the layout of the school. That was the easy part, but anything that haunted me before the smoking and the summer, all came flooding back at once. Drake, bullying in school, past family life, the girl from my dreams, came back to attack me. That was just the depression part, but I felt this feeling in my stomach and a lot of pain with it, so much anxiety. I’d never felt anxiety like this so constantly. It wasn’t just occasional, it was almost nonstop. It hurt to live, and do this. It got worse as the weeks went by from quitting. I saw bugs flying around in the classroom that weren’t there. I forgot where I was or what I was doing walking down a hallway and was really freaked out. I told my mom at that point I couldn’t take this shit anymore and I needed help and I wanted to get on antidepressants or something to control the anxiety. So we went to the doctor and told them about it and the Drake thing and so they put me on Prozac. Prozac Moment-My first night on it was the scariest. I had a total freakout when I took it, maybe from last nights drinking but I felt scared and wanted to kill myself. The next day, way better. I masturbated and it might have been the best feeling in the world. It felt like every stroke was an orgasm, but it wasn’t even that, it was just a full body intense feeling, and when I came, oh I came. It was like every ounce of my being was coming to that orgasm and I exploded everywhere. I told Moo Moo, and we had sex and if masturbation wasn’t intense enough, this was a whole new level. Though it was sexually gratifying, the emotional had its ups and downs. Some days i’d be really hyper, other days i’d be on a cloud and nothing mattered and everything was more beautiful than I ever believed could be possible, then there were days where I wanted to be dead more than anything. School was hard to keep up with on these meds, and my feelings changed about my relationship and more. I felt my self being attracted to people I normally wouldn’t have, like literally a different selection of attraction, I lived very fantasy like, who I was changed, I talked to people a lot and wanted to interact, I rekindled old friendships and it was really weird. It didn’t terribly change how I felt about Moo Moo but I wanted more intellect and sociability out of her because that was who I was then. I def had weird moments. I broke the screen of my ipod and have no memory of dropping it, I saw something run across the road and nothing was there, and on the weird night, I heard the ocean outside. Waves and wind and everything. While listening to music, it was like I could imagine and picture every lyric the bands were saying and I just knew what they meant, I experienced a clarity no one could ever know. I put my whole life together in a night and knew why things happened to people or me or anything, I spent two hours talking to Moo Moo about this crazy feeling and mindset. The negative is I could never sleep and the anxiety was still bad and I took kpins to sleep but i finally snapped and tried to kill someone and so I had to get switched off. generic celexa?-This is where my true hell began, I’m not sure if this was what I was on but I never contemplated suicide so much in my life. First off, I couldn’t have an orgasm unless I had sex without a condom, I couldn’t give myself one, and my whole body was really numb. I couldn’t feel much of anything. I felt very dissociated and alone, so alone. Every thought was sad and pathetic. What was the purpose of living feeling like this? All I felt was pain and sadness and my own mind was all I had even if people were there for me. I did nothing but lay in bed any chance I got. My grades were dropping, I was def skipping classes and failing math. I hated my life so much. I explained a rainy day to Moo Moo in such poetry that it reminded her of a famous writer who wrote just like that. I believed I def had the talent, and she assured me I was a good writer, very philosophical, beautiful thinker. She told me she was still there for me and loved me and though I couldn’t feel anything at all but sadness I knew I did somewhere in my heart. I tried breaking in to her mind a bit more and all I can remember is reading her poetry, and how she was like a bird trying to get free from a cage, that pained me but I felt like I understood though she said I didn’t. The pain became to much and my brother brought this stuff called Red Magic over. It was synthetic marijuana but 5 times more potent. Mixed with the antidepressant though, not really thinking about what could happen, actually felt incredibly amazing. It added to the trip not being able to feel anything so I just felt part of my environment, but my trip was different than other peoples. My first night I was so floored that forward was my floor, and my directions were different, my TV spun in circles, I didn’t really understand who I was, who these names I knew of were, it was like a psychological battle but it was incredible the way it felt. I heard sounds 5 times louder than ever and saw crazy things and felt weird. The next night I was so high I couldn’t stand up. Any game I played looked like the real thing. The next day, it felt like I was my brother, and he was who I was, then he left and it was like I became part of nature and was one with it. When I wasn’t on it I still had a crazy afterglow and things seemed longer or narrower or bigger or smaller than normal. I went to class after smoking it and it was the trippiest thing I’ve ever experienced. After a bit of time I had to get off of the meds cause it was making me crazy and I couldn’t be the bf Moo Moo needed me to be and I felt like we were drifting apart. I begged her to please understand and wait and that if the next meds didn’t work i’d get off them and try to get better without it so I could be me. Throughout all this time I was a mess. I cried a lot, I begged to god to either save me or kill me, I didn’t believe in god for a bit, I was more to my self, I talked to Moo Moo about my feelings a whole lot which later seemed to be a mistake. Who wants to take care of a depressed crazy person right? I probably seemed pretty out there a lot on those meds. Buspirone-I started taking this, and it didn’t last to long. I was on it for a few weeks but it did nothing but make me angry and aggressive and not a fun person, I got off them but I still had a month before it wore off. I was kind of excited to be me after half a year and hoped for the best but sadly it was to late for me and Moo Moo. I noticed she was acting different, we broke up, got back together because I really wanted her, and I knew she was talking to some guy before it even happened. I got off the meds for her, I just needed some time, I realized I truly loved her and she was the one I seriously wanted to spend my life with, but it was to late for her, and we broke up. I know it was rough but all I needed was a little more time but she wouldn’t give me a chance, even after telling me the reasons, which I could have changed just for her and actually did most of those things later in the future except maybe drink and smoke, but it was to utterly late for her, and though I know now maybe its cause she needed to explore or she was in a different stage in her life, it was the worst thing for me to have to face when I was going through the drake court case and putting myself together because I went way downhill after that, my whole life, everything I put my heart and world in to left me all alone and it destroyed me and has had effects up to this day, but that’s a story for the next blog.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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My memory starts to fuzz out from this point on from all the stuff that happens, I’m not even sure I can put the events in any certain order till about the summer time. After the year was up I later found out I couldnt get financial aid in time and therefore couldnt go to college, which of course to Moo Moo parents reflected poorly on me, even though it wasnt even my fault. I was still looking for a job but I was slowly but surely slipping from any true reality. First off I had an issue with anxiety now, plus I was still always tired, had mood swings, depression, felt sick a lot, slept a bunch, and I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what I could do. With my Asthma I was taking samples of Advair, but unbeknownst to me I didnt realize that that was just increasing my anxiety issues and my mood swings, combined with smoking and drinking to add to it. I kept feeling like something was missing in my life, and the hole felt deep. I kept longing for something, but I didnt know what. It felt like I was on a constant search to find what was missing, either in people, myself, knowledge, Moo Moo, or more. I kept wanting to numb that pain. When I smoked, it made everything seem a little more meaningful, especially music, or anything else. It felt like everything hazed out in time, I was in a world of dreams and want, pain, nothingness, meaning, and emptyness, I started changing some, I started reverting back to my past as it came to haunt me, every bit of it, I started believing that maybe things happened for a reason. I started getting big in to philosophy, psychology, and myself to find a hopeless answer, I started believing nothing was real at times, like the matrix, or there was such a thing as fate, or there was, and sometimes there wasnt a god, its like I’d go in to weird phases of belief and creativity and then reject it, I really didnt know what was going on at times, my anxiety attacks where getting worse, I felt so alone, I wanted to die at times, I didnt feel normal. I believed in my emotions more than anything logical. I felt so distant from everyone and everything, I felt distant from moo moo, and there was nothing I felt she could do, I kept having flashbacks to a girl I knew before I met her. I’m not really sure why it just came to me like it did, I know she tried to talk to me some while me and moo moo dated but I never really went after her cause I knew I shouldnt and she had hurt me before as with moo moo she hadnt. Me and her first met through my mom and her friend, I used to see her at her house on visits once in a while. She was absolutely beautiful to say the least, to me, at that moment, one of the most beautiful girls I ever laid my eyes on. I dunno what it was I liked about her, maybe it was just her beauty, or maybe she was cute to me in some way, I’m not sure, but I immediately fell for her when we met. We hung out and played a board game the first night we hung out. I talked to her for a while but she dated someone, broke up before we really started talking again. We talked a lot for a while, and one night I asked if I could spend the night with her. We were supposed to meet at the skatepark the first night but we failed to meet each other. The 2nd night, I met her at her house. I walked in and her mom was asleep in front of me on the couch. I was a little freaked out, but we made it in to Babas room real fast. I was insanely nervous like never before. Me, in the room with one of the most beautiful people i’ve ever been with. It didnt seem real. I laughed at myself for feeling so lucky. She said I could get in bed with her and watch tv. So I did. We cuddled, talked, and kissed for a really long time. It was such a beautiful, perfect night to me. Just being with her was sensational. I felt almost in love in such a short period of time that it was silly. Eventually her mom woke up so I had to hide under the bed, her mom came and and talked to her, then went to sleep, but I had to stay under there. We held hands till she fell asleep and I had to pee really bad. I had to wait till daylight out and her mom showered before I got to. It felt fantastic! Finally I had to hurry and go cause her bro was getting up, I kissed her and left and looked crazy walking home but I was the happiest person alive. I shortly wrote this after: Im surrounded by the lights and cars, I keep on going not sure how far. My body is waging this heavy war, Maybe im just trying to hard. But i wont stop running down this road.

Remember how i wasnt sure? How I was so scared I couldnt stop shaking? But then you grabbed me and told me you felt the same way. I couldnt believe what you said, maybe i was dreaming. But the warmth of your hand let me know you saw the same thing.

(chorus)Dont let me go tonight, All i want is to look in your eyes, and hold your hand oh so tight. Ive never had a moment that felt so right, but i knew with each kiss that melted by soon i would have to say goodbye.(end chorus)

On my way home all i could think about was love and shit, felt like a drug addict, i couldnt get enough to keep calm.

I cant help but keep dreaming of a life with new meaning with you being the one by my side. (go to chorus)

The rain is pouring and im all alone, so i’ll let my heart soak till dawn, wishing you were here with me tonight.

One thing that you must know, that night i’ll never let go, or the long walk back home, and the reason im writing you this song. (go to chorus)

After that, it didnt go quite how I hoped. I really tried talking to her and getting with her, but she was kind of selfish, never wanted to talk all that much or reply to my thought out messages or anything, or hang out much. I dont know if its cause she was younger than me and just immature but it hurt and it sucked because I wanted her really bad. She was the one person at the time that made me actually feel like thats exactly what I wanted, that she was perfect and the one for me and that that moment was the best of my life, but It didnt happen. later in the future, I tried again, but she didnt change, she just led me on, and was still stuck up, all about her self and never gave me the chance I really wanted, a third time she was telling me how she wanted me and would fuck me, but then never did. I never understood, or got her completely, I dont know why I longed for her, maybe cause that one night, or that she never let me have her. And then at this random stage of my life she was in my dreams and thoughts a lot. I wasnt going for her really, it was just there, I didnt understand. Maybe it was the longing, needing to fill the hole feeling, maybe it was just a source to put my emotions and negativity, it never made sense. I had dreams I kidnapped her and ran off with her, and other types of dreams. Maybe it was the smoking or my mental state, i’ll never know, but it eventually went away, but my lost feelings and belief in things happening or not, for a reason came in to play eventually. I had a sort of friend, that we will call Fate. Fate, is actually a real person and not a metaphor. We talked off and on, but I never really talked to her to deeply. I also knew she was the kind of girl i’d really fall for cause of her personality, I even told moo moo this at the time. I was going through such a life struggle that with her permission I did talk to her and then hung out. We hung out all day and night and wound up at dennys. I dont know what it was but I was attracted to her intelligence and personality and her being able to help me figure myself out and relate and think and be on my level and more mentally. I’d never found that in anyone but drake before and it was refreshing. I didnt exactly have a sexual attraction to her, but maybe cause it was so new and I finally found what I was looking for personality wise to help me it didnt matter. The next day I think Moo moo was worried but she trusted me to hang out with her again, and after that I had feelings. I never meant it to happen, it just did. We talked about our feelings and we decided we should tell her, but when I told her and saw her cry and leave, I realized I didnt want to lose her and that I still really loved her a whole lot and she was who I wanted. I told her that, and we did get back together, but not without its complications. I dont think anything was ever the same after that, and I’ve always wondered to this day if that never happened would things be different now. I’ve regretted it of course, but things are different now, though Fate did help me decide what I wanted to do in college. over the summer me and moo moo fought a lot, not because of me really but she never really got over it. I was suffering in my own personal hell with my emotions still lingering for Fate, but also the attacks from moo moo, and everything i’ve been to to that point. Finally when my birthday arrived when I saw her I realized I didnt feel anything at all for her, and though I liked her personality, the attraction wasnt there and I immediately moved on. Again, my memorys not entirely correct anymore, and i’m not sure thats when it really happened, but i’m going with it because its basically the same chain of events for this main story im telling. Pretty soon I finally wind up going to va western, but thats to be continued.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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The search for self

Oh after that you’d think it’d all get better right, actually, it got continually worse. For a little while things were ok, but i was uber anxious always, I kept waiting to see what his move was, I kept having anxiety attacks. I drank on the weekends and i’d have a wake and bake sometimes. my emotions were spiraled and all I had was myself to get me through. I eventually told Moo Moo and she felt horrible about it, but it made sense why me and him stopped hangin out. My feelings were so messed up. Add to it, I didnt realize that smoking and drinking were actually affecting my personality. me and Moo Moo started fighting some, which wasnt normal for us cause we usually were always lovey dovey ad never fought. Part of it might have been the drug intake, but also from all that I was holding in. plus i had all this pressure of getting a job from my parents and hers, but I also had the struggle of finding who I was and what I wanted to be and do. i was scared shitless. I didnt even believe i’d be alive that long, now it was there. I was some dumbfuck kid who had no clue about anything. Never had any guidance on what to do, was just kind thrown out there to figure it out on my own. I tried getting a job but it was during a terrible economic crisis and no one was hiring or anything. It only added more pressure, from everyoneeeee. my friends started smoking pot and I used it to escape from time to time. I saw and thought about things i’d never really thought of. Everything seemed so meaningful and amazing when i got high. I felt great, and it was just new and a crazy experience. I loved it. Part of finding who I was was trying new things, living a little, experiment, have some fun, so at the time I didnt see anything wrong with it, though Moo Moo disapproved highly, even though she used to do it herself. I felt bad when I did it sometimes, and i’d hide the fact that I did from her which I felt bad about to, but I enjoyed it, and my friends were doing it, and I never really got to go through that phase like she did in highschool. i also didnt like being controlled so I did it anyways. I started using it and exploring what different things were like, how it tasted, looked, felt, sounded. It was like being in a new world. Though I didnt do it but once or twice a week, with periods of time when I thought I was gonna get hired that I would go without. Eventually, my mom pulled it out of me about the drake thing and my parents were really angry and upset and felt like failures as parents, the next day we went to court to report it. Time to face it again. They searched his house and found my pictures and 50,000 other pictures of child pornography. He was then arrested. In time it just got dropped down to child pornography, and not molestation charges cause lack of evidence. I had to let my friends know what happened, and then it wasnt so much a secret anymore. I was feeling less and less myself as time went on. All that was going on and so much time to be stuck in my head, i’m sure my depression was getting to me. i started sleeping a whole lot to get away from reality, and soon thats all i ever did was sleep. I explored a whole different world. My dreams became my reality, it was my world. They became more real, meaningful, almost like they were supposed to be signs of some sort. I hated my life. I wanted death. Moo Moo was all I lived for. We made it to our one year anniversary, and minus the shitty parts, it was the best year of my life. She was everything, my world, I loved her so much. She was what gave me strength to keep on, she was my inspiration, and though I strayed and smoked sometimes or whatever, she kept me disciplined, she kept me from fucking up and failing, she was my restraint, my push, my love, my other half, my future wife, my entire world. Regretfully from there, it went downhill.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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What now?

Drake then decided on taking me out to get some things now that I was 18. So we got cigs, lottery tickets, and a porno. Funnily enough it was a fat chick magazine and I gave it to Sanson, which then got thrown to one of our friends yards. After that, we were supposed to go to the beach. I was excited for the fun stuff, the drinking, and what not, but I was afraid he was gonna try stuff after us stopping for a few weeks cause i said it was bothering me. Of course I was right. First night there we unpacked and ate and explore. He told me about the house being haunted, I shrugged it off. That night we drank, and it was the 3rd time i had ever drank. I almost died that night. I took a shot from every bottle. It was a shot of every type of liquor except maybe moonshine. I felt great at first, and then I lost my mind a little. I didnt know what was going on, i was in a moment. I was scared, I felt lost, I went in to spasms sometimes. I was deathly cold. I started talking incorehently. Started saying stuff about he needed to keep away, that I didnt want to hurt him and if I did its not my fault, I cant control what i’m doing. I talked confused, angrily, suicidally. he recorded it so i could see. i woke up extremely hungover after dreaming about a woman brushing her hair in a round mirror getting ready for a dance from the old times. He told me about the night, and said he was worried because what I said sounded like something that was coming from someone who was going to commit suicide. I did feel a little crazy and had those thoughts. some of it was his fault. We went out and saw the sights and all, rode skidoos and i parasailed in a thunderstorm. then ate and got drunk and talked about life. I woke up, and couldnt move. I felt scared. I heard kids voices playing outside and a mother talking to her kids. I heard a long moan, then could move. I got up and looked outside and nothing was there. I went to the bathroom and peed and went back in my room. Thats when I noticed it. The mirror from the dream. I freaked out and told him what happened. He then reminded me the place was haunted and that pirates attacked here, which where we were used to have a hotel there. mad creepy. so the rest of the week was getting drunk and doing whatever but also him asking to do sexual favors and stuff which i said no. I finally had a big talk with him and didnt want any of it anymore and he finally agree to stop. afterwards I went home and slept my ass off. a few weeks passed, it happened again, I lost his ipod and he got pissy over it and I broke the friendship there. I was sick of the manipulation and the lies and the control and the humiliation and the pain and fear and more. I thought this was it, but it wasnt over there.

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lifestoryparty · 6 years

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Manipulation

Trigger warning-there are instances of sexual abuse and molestation for people who are bothered by that or have been through it heres your warning.

At first, me and her felt really weird about it. Felt guilty and wrong. We both came to the conclusion that its because of society and our parents telling us to wait and that it was wrong and to wait till marriage, and that its both what we wanted and agreed to and that we loved each other and that it didnt change anything, and then we hung out and gave it some time before we did it again. We finally did it again, and again, and again, and it was great, I just felt a little bothered about how long I went. As a younger kid I didnt realize my first few times would be so intense and overwhelming and I was actually in a normal range of time but It bothered me a great deal and all I wanted in the world was to make Moo Moo happy. I started doing my own research and talking to drake about it and I got the same advice. So I tried all those techniques. Moo Moo knew I was bothered and that I was trying but she said she enjoyed making love and that it was great and not to worry about it. I didnt quite believe her though. It really started to get to me and I couldnt handle it anymore and asked drake what else I could do. He said he could order a sex toy and I could try using that, and to masturbate and time myself at his house. Somehow we got on the subject of sexualizing my stomach scar from the surgery so it didnt bother me. He talked me in to using ice and rubbing on it to make it less sensitive and in time it got weird and he would use his hands to touch me and using a vibrator on my stomach and dick to help make me last longer and sexualize my scar. some might say i didnt have to do this, but he made threats about telling my gf, and that he couldnt be a teacher and it wouldnt be good if people knew. and I wanted to make Moo Moo happy, i just didnt want her to know what I was doing. I felt dirty, wrong, and sick. I felt like a bad person. I was scared, alone, and the secret was my burden. I started to hate him. I told him no more, but he got me to do it again and again. I started getting really depressed, I developed anxiety really bad, started having anxiety attacks, started feeling suicidal and more. I felt terrible. If you subtract that part, my life wasnt all to bad. It was the happiest i’ve ever been with anyone in my life. School was kind of a pain, I was ready to get out pretty bad. home life was ok, and i got to get out and hang out with my friends and do whatever. Every once and a while drake would take me out of town with his friends, and that wouldnt be so bad, but there were times I felt like he was trying to make me like him and control me, and he kept buying me stuff and taking me out to eat, and eventually admitted to being homosexual in time, which at that point I was like, no, really? ha. He kept trying to involve me in his group of friends, introduced me to alcohol, which he was a heavy drinker. Sometimes we’d get in to deep talks about life,existence, Moo Moo, and other stuff, which in time kinda fucked me up a little. Eventually we got to our 6 month anniversary. This was a special, special day. After finally getting to a day we could celebrate it, we got some floats and went down the James River. We floated down, and a bit late at that, it was so much fun, till it got dark,then we were in pitch black and had to float in black water till we could get to the cars. it was really scary. and the guy picking us up called the ranger cause we were two hours late. After that ordeal, we went to dennys, and there, I gave her this nice heart necklace that I got, a picture cube with us in it, and then a promise ring letting her know i’d always be there, forever and always. After that i’m not sure if that was the night we went to a hotel and made love and stuff for a while, but thats what I believe happened, then ms. Cline got her and me and drake talked about the night. In time school was nearing an end, and aside from the abuse, it was a great year, I found the love of my life, had a lot of friends, was gonna go to summer school and graduate early, parents were running their own little youth thing, the future looked good. The summer went well, I met Melissa and she was awesome. She was pretty and tiny and made me smile a lot. She would always get me food at lunch and talk to me all the time and we’d make up funny storys during class. She was fun. We talked about all kinds of stuff, but I kept quiet, I was shy. She raised a certain hidden energy in me. It was wild, fun, exciting. Summer school was a pain but I finally made it. Finally! After all those years I was finally done. Graduation day came around, I was so nervous. I was to be the mace holder, which was supposed to be an honor, a tonnnn of people showed up for me. lots of friends, my family and people from church, probably 60 in total! I felt proud, and my Moo Moo was proud of me, my parents, and everyone else. Afterwards my brother smoked me up and so I was really stoned, and the few days before graduation we’d been smoking a lot. a good amount of the people from graduation showed up. It was a great time of racing, video games, ddr, laser tag, and more. After thundervalley, i went to a party with Sanson and everyone and smoked 2 blunts, a zanex, and 6 beers. i was super fucked up and remember daniel feelin the same. aside from that my minds blank. one of the best nights ever.

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