lifethroughcjseyes-blog

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

The Importance Of Staying Motivated

Do you wake up thinking about those goals you made months, or years ago? I’d like to guess that all of us has had goals like that. The ones we have had for years but can't seem to have the motivation to get there. 

Recently I started my full-time job at Bethel after being on staff part-time for the past two and a half years, during the same week I started college classes. I am still newly married, have two doggies (who by the way are the absolute cutest things in the whole world), trying to hit the gym four days a week, and still trying to have somewhat of a social life. I have always been very good at balancing a busy life, but In the last two weeks, I have found myself unmotivated, exhausted, and kind of hating all of these things. 

Most of my mornings in the week start at 4:30am and don't end until past 10pm, which makes for a very long day. As I began to hate all of these amazing opportunities I am having I realized I had lost sight of my goals. I lost sight of the why the heck I'm getting up at 4:30am to go to the gym. I lost sight of why I am working full time when I don't “have” to. I lost sight of why I'm spending time sitting in class. I lost sight of why I am staying up to clean my house or take my dogs on walks. When I realized how much I was dragging my feet to these things I figured out I have got to do something to motivate me and to remind me of why I am doing what I am. So I went on youtube and searched “motivational video.” and I found the best video ever, well at least I think so. Never Give Up by Ben Lionel Scott. I played this over and over again. 

This video reminded me why I'm going to the gym, why I'm working a lot, why I'm doing college, why I'm staying up or getting up early to take care of my house and my doggies. This video reminded me of my goals and how they are possible. Now every time that I wake up at 4:30am to go to the gym I play this video to remind myself why I am doing this. 

It is so important to stay motivated. Whether you are struggling to find the motivation to eat better, go to the gym, start college, go to work, walk your dog, even why you are working on your relationships. It's important to remind yourself of what the outcome could be and will be. You have no idea what is going to happen if you keep going after those goals.

I challenge you that the next time you set your alarm clock to go to the gym, instead of hitting snooze and say “I'll go tomorrow” play a motivational video, or think of why you set that alarm in the first place. When you're getting ready for work and you are dragging your feet play a video or remind yourself of why you got the job in the first place. When you really don't want to your dishes (because you freaking hate them lol) remind yourself of they why behind it.

Always remember your why.

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Real Life Through CJs Eyes

I have been off of social media for a week now, I only looked at Instagram once to post a Happy Birthday picture of my husband but other than that I haven't been on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. For being 20 years old and being a millennial this sounds silly but ever since these apps have come out I probably check them all at least 20 times per day every day. It was the first thing I would look at when I woke up and the last thing I would look at going to sleep. I have become seriously addicted to my cell phone that it was insanely hard to be off the grid for only a week.

On Thursday, my beautiful mother and I hiked Brokeoff Mountain in Lassen park, it's a 3.5-mile one-way hike that said moderately strenuous also saying it should only take you two hours to get to the top. Well, that two hours quickly turned into four hours. I would walk about 10 steps and stop heavily panting, sweating like crazy and also having the feeling that I was going to die. Of course, I took my phone so that I could take pictures and when I got to the top of this beautiful mountain I had my mom take a picture of me and my first thought was "I bet this will get good likes on Instagram." Of course, it would it show the beautiful scenery and it also shows that I hiked this huge mountain to get there. The funny part was in the picture you don't see the struggle it was for me to get there. You don't see the tears I had in my eyes because I pushed my body to its breaking point on the hike. You also don't see how hard my lungs were working for me to breathe. And you also don't see the mental struggle I had to get there. You also don't see the parts of the hike where I told myself "there is no way I can make it to the top I can't do this. My body hurts. I can't do it." But of course because I grew up a Barber I didn't quit I pushed myself so hard and I made it to the top. I think that's the bittersweet part about social media. People post when they are at their best when they have their life together when they aren't hurting. People also post the after gym selfie or the hiking photo but they aren't showing what it took to get themselves to go to the gym or what it took mentally and physically to get to the top of that mountain. When I was checking my social media constantly everyday I was discouraged seeing all of these posts with people with the perfect hair, or the amazing gym bodies, or the perfect looking house. Through this week I found myself with a lot more time on my hands and more peace. This week I gave myself the grace to be and let my life be a little crazy and let my house not be extraordinarily clean which was really needed as this week has been one of the hardest emotionally for me for the first time in a really long time. I allowed myself to let my dogs tear up their toys and I let my dishes pile up. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to make our lives look perfect like there was never any mess at all but that's not true. Life is messy but when we give ourselves the grace to let it be messy it turns out to be the most beautiful mess. I obviously post my blogs on Facebook which means I will have to go on there at some point today but I honestly don't know when I'll return to it. I encourage you all to take some time off social media and to give yourself a break. It's ok to not go the gym for a day or to not post the perfect setup picture. Give yourself grace to just be instead of strive for social medias approval.

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Religion Vs Relationship Through CJs Eyes

I know for the past couple months I haven’t written much I have been in a very odd season, but more on that at a later time.

I have typed this blog out and deleted it probably every day for weeks. This is a very special blog for me because I want those who may not understand being a Christian or even Christians who don’t understand having a relationship with Jesus, Father and Holy Spirit to have a better understanding. If this is feeling uncomfortable to read I think you should keep reading anyways.

Bethel Music put out the new Starlight album a few months back and ever since I have had it on repeat, it has been the main thing I listen to. This album is so beautiful, it paints the most amazing unique picture of the Trinity (Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit). Even if you listen to just one song they all describe the beauty, the wonder, the incredible ways of the Trinity.

There is one song in particular that is by far my favorite, For The One by Jenn Johnson, every time I hear this song it completely breaks down any walls I have built up and the Father’s love washes over me and I begin to weep. This song while not only describes exactly how I want to live my life “ even in just a smile they would feel the Father’s love” but it also shows the love of the Father who is ALWAYS there “ help me to love with open arms like You do.” If you haven’t heard this song seriously go listen believer or not, while you listen just quiet your mind close your eyes and let the Father come in close. 

I have been very lucky and blessed to grow up in a home and a church that doesn’t believe that being a Christian looks like a long list of dos and don’ts we don’t believe the Father is a distant God who is vengeful and wants to punish us. If we did believe that how terrifying! Who would want to believe in or get close to a God is only wanting slaves to serve Him and punish us if we aren’t perfect. Sadly these are real things that people believe and because they believe them they are so terrified to come close to God to find out the truth because what if its true, what if its true He is this big man in the sky only wanting to punish us? Yikes! I’d be scared to try to find out the truth too.

Well let me tell you that is “religion” I wouldn’t call myself a religious person, rather I would call myself a follow of Jesus. I also work in The Transformation Center at Bethel Church where I hear the most incredible testimonies of how people go to the Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit and find out the truth about them and about the person. Sounds pretty cool right?! Its amazing! 

Let me tell you now what being a believer to me looks like. It looks like relationship, just like a friend or family member thats what it should look like. I have come to know Papa God a lot more recently as the most kind loving Father who is always there, who never leaves, He always protects me, always provides, and is always giving me identity so I never have to wonder about my purpose in life or who I am. I have come to know the Holy Spirit as the most kind most comforting teacher, He is always gentle, always loving, and always comforts me even over the small things He even teaches me. I have come to know Jesus and the most gracious, generous friend who honestly loves to go grocery shopping with me or goes to the mall with me or even just sit on the back patio and drink coffee with me. Now doesn’t that sound a lot nicer than a big man in the sky waiting to punish you? I sure think so. 

Some of the cool things you get when you are in relationship and covenant with the Trinity are:

you always know you belong / you know your worth/ you always know your loved / your needs, wants desires are getting meant / you know who you are and whose you are / you know your purpose / 

This generation is one who is longing to know their purpose, and who they are, the saddest part is the answer is right here, they need the Father. A Father who isn’t punishing when you make a mistake, a Father who always protects and provides, they need the Holy spirit the one who will guide and teach them, the one who will comfort them when they feel alone, or sad. They need Jesus a friend who literally died the most painful death so they could live.

If you haven’t experienced the Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit like I have described and want to just ask them be patient. They are literally always there and always longing to be with you.

If you enjoyed this blog and want to know more feel free to message me.

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Life With Someone Who Is Your Opposite Through CJs Eyes

Today marks 11 months since I looked into Jacob’s eyes and promised to always stand by him, always choose to love him, and always pursue him. When you look at 11 months throughout a lifetime it seems like a short amount of time. Honestly, its crazy. Even though its only been 11 months its crazy to think I ever lived a day without him, let alone without knowing him. When people ask me how marriage is going, I always answer truthfully, it is by far my most favorite adventure I have ever been on. 

I have known Jake since October 2014, and ever since the day I met him I have known we are very different, but I had no idea just how different until we got married. We are basically each others opposite. How we cook, clean, talk with people, how we view life, how we sleep, our personalities, how we grew up, its all very different from each other. When I tell people this, they ask how on earth do we make it work? To be honest its a lot of fun. We get to learn from each other, we get to see a different perspective, we get to learn how to work through differences, and we get to find new ways of doing things. 

Jake is the most kind, most loving, most caring person I have ever met, so when we have a difference of opinion there is always respect and love in the conversation. We are both very stubborn people so its good for both of us to see things from a different point of view. 

When Jake and I were engaged we took the DTR class at Bethel. One thing we learned during that class is that every person was raised different than you were, your normals are not your partners normals and thats ok. The greatest part of learning that was learning its ok that Jake and I are different. It wouldn’t be much fun if we were exactly the same, it would be like dating/ married to ourselves. Everything we do we have learned from the people who raised us. We learn how to put dishes away, the way we cook, the way we clean, and the way we see life. We all learn this from our parents. So there is no way that your normals are the same as your partners, they may be similar but they are not the same. I also learned that one of the funnest parts of marriage (besides the obvious wink wink) is that we get to make our own new normals that our kids will someday adapt as their normals. 

The most important thing for Jake and I being so opposite is that we have respect for each other and we respect each others normals. You never want to make the other person feel bad for how they were raised or for their normals. It takes a conversation, with respect for each other and love. So if you and your partner ever feel frustrated because you have a difference have a calm conversation about it and respect each others view and if you cant work it out agree to disagree. Its a known fact that you will never agree about %100 of everything and thats perfectly ok.

Thanks for reading! :)

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Police Officers Through CJs Eyes

Sound asleep in my bed I begin to wake up around 2:30am to a familiar sound I have heard lots of times, its the sound of my dad stepping into his big black boots, then I begin to hear the snaps of him putting on his gun belt. My stomach drops, I know what this means. He’s being called out to who knows where and who knows what situation. Like every time this has happened in the middle of the night I climb to my bedroom window and watch as he quickly rushes to his cop car in my front yard, puts on his lights and speeds down the street. Like every time before I tear up, Im scared. Will he come back? Will he be ok? I pray “Thank you Jesus for bringing my dad home safe.” I watch through the window until either he comes home or until I fall back asleep waiting. For as long as I can remember I did this, every time he was called out in the middle of the night.

Even though my dad is no longer in law enforcement, police officers have a special place in my heart. If they don’t do that job who will? Every time I see those lights my heart still drops a bit and I pray that officer will make it home to his/her family. Every time i see a police officer I thank them for doing their job. They probably only hear horrible things about them all day long, so I thank them to remind them that they are needed. 

Most people don’t see what it takes to be a cop. It’s hard. Can you even imagine everything a cop has seen over their career? It’s no wonder that 1 in 8 police officers experience some sort of PTSD symptoms. That’s crazy! People also don’t see the family behind the badge. PTSD, and a police officer’s life affects much more than the cop, it affects the entire family. They work long hours, for not a lot of pay, they see some of the worst things you could ever imagine, they deliver bad news to families, they get shot at, punched, and hated. No matter who you are that will weigh on a person. When you get called out you have no choice but to go, no matter whose birthday party, no matter what holiday, no matter what you have to get up put those big heavy hot boots on, put on that bullet proof vest, snap that gun belt into place, and pray you come home. 

I think being a cop in a small town like my hometown would be the hardest place to be a cop. You know everyone, these people are your friends, but if they aren’t obeying the law you are the one taking them to jail, or telling them that someone they love passed away. We lived in that small town when my sister passed away. My dad’s work partner had to come to our house to tell his partner that Courtney had passed away. Can you imagine the weight of that? It’s heavy and hard. I can’t even think about how hard that must of been for him, but he didn’t have a choice. It’s his job. 

I encourage you to instead of hating that police officer who pulled you over, thank him/her for doing their job and doing it well. Thank them for risking their lives every day and night to protect us. Thank them for missing out on so many things of their families. Thank them for choosing one of the hardest jobs (in my opinion). 

If you are struggling with PTSD I strongly encourage you to call the PTSD hotline 1-800-273-8255 and talk to someone. They can help you. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Or visit https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/ptsd-hotline/ for more information on PTSD and how to get help. 

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

My Year At BSSM

In September my husband, Jake, and I started Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I have grown up in the Bethel flow so I honestly was not expecting to get a lot out of this year but I knew I was supposed to go. There were a few things that I wanted to get out of this year. I wanted to gain a foundation that I knew who God is, and who He is to me, I wanted to gain a community that pushes me, loves me and cares for me, I wanted a year that would set my husband and I up for success in ourselves but also in our marriage. I was excited but extremely nervous to be in a room of 1300 people that I had never met before. 

I knew that I would make some pretty good friends, but I figured after school ended we would move on and not be friends anymore. I was totally wrong. When I went on retreat, at the beginning of the school year there were a few girls in my Revival Group that I was really drawn to and really wanted to be friends with, but old shy Cierra was too scared to actually really talk with them. A few weeks later we got an email with who was in our small group and all of the girls that I wanted to be friends with at retreat were in my small group, Maura, Emily, Maddie and Ren. I knew God was good but I forgot He always sets us up for success. These girls have seriously changed my life forever. Each one of them have significantly impacted my life. These are the kinds of friends that you run next too for the rest of your life. These are the kinds of friends you can call in the middle of the night. These are the kinds of friends that will stay in your life. These are the kinds of friends whose children will know your children. These are the friends I have been praying for. Even in the very first meeting we were instantly connected. We all felt known, it never felt that we were forced in be there, it felt very natural for us to hang out. Maura, Emily, Maddie and Ren thank you for changing my life, thank you for being in my life, thank you for loving me and seriously always being there for me. 

I knew that some pretty amazing Jesus encounters would happen in school, its all I had heard about. I had encounters with Papa before but never like this year. When worship would start and I would just pour out my love for Him and everyone else in the room did as well something shifts in the atmosphere and He showed up every time this year. The best part of learning more about Papa is I get to learn more about myself. I have learned so much more about Him. I have learned that Papa always shows up, He always wants the best for me, when I am sad so is He. He is always with me and He loves me! 

I also learned about my secret place with Him. I learned that so much that comes from us is birthed from the secret place with Him. I am still growing in this area, and Im excited to explore this part with Him. 

I learned a lot about myself. I grew a lot this year. I found things that make come alive inside. I learned that I love serving people, its how I show them that I love them. I learned I am actually not shy I really enjoy being around people, but I like small groups of people instead of large crowds. i learned that Papa is so proud of me. I feel like a completely different person now then I did in the beginning. 

Everything that I wanted to get out of this year I got and way more. I couldn’t be more thankful for this year and all of the people I have been able to meet and become friends with. Im so thankful for Papa and all the ways that He shows me He is there for me and loves me. 

For this next year I will not be doing second year at BSSM, I haven’t felt led to go. Im sad that I wont be in school with my friends but glad they will be coming back this fall. I am currently in the application process for Shasta College and will hopefully attending there this fall. I plan on studying Biological Sciences and eventually moving into a Vet program somewhere in California. I am very excited for this next season I am moving into. I am even more excited to step into even greater levels of intimacy with Papa.

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Punching Fear In The Face Through CJs Eyes

Last week I talked roughly how I moved to Redding without my parents and lived with my sister Caitlyn and four other women as a 14 year old freshman in high school. That was probably one of the scariest things I have ever done. To move at 14 500 miles away from everything unfamiliar was terrifying. Last year I got married at 19, that was scary, it was a huge decision to make. I don’t take commitment lightly, when I’m in I’m all in I don’t turn back no matter how hard or easy the journey is. It was an easy decision because my husband is so incredible and of course I want to be with him forever. I’m currently starting the process to sign up for college to start hopefully in the fall. What do these all have in common? I had never done any of them before that moment. They are all forcing me to step into unknown territory. I enjoy my comfort zone, who doesn’t though? It feels very safe there. But I quickly learned on my trip to the UK, that when you get out of that comfort zone and you run at fear with everything you have you grow and blossom so much! When faced with each of these situations I knew I could either just give up and just stay where it was safe and comfortable or I could walk into the unknown and find out what I was made of. When I moved out at 14 I learned so much about myself. I learned that I can make some really amazing choices without feeling forced, I can have a relationship with Papa that is uniquely mine, I can be independent, I am really smart, and relationships are a two way street. When I got married I learned so much about my husband and our relationship. I learned that love isn’t just a feeling I have its also a choice. I learned a lot about communication. I also learned to keep dating my spouse even though he is tied to me until death do us part. Now I’m signing up for classes. This feels so scary to me. After high school I took a year off I honestly needed a break. High school was really hard for me especially my senior year. I then did BSSM this year, which you don’t learn a ton with your mind but you learn with your soul and your heart. Now I’m in the big leagues. College counts, it matters, it sets you up for the rest of your life and I’m terrified to do it. What if I fail, or I changed my mind about my major a million times? What if, what if, what if has circled my mind for months. But I always forgot about What if I do incredible? What if I succeed? What if I know exactly what I want to do? What if it’s easy? You see I wont know until I actually suck it up and do it. In order to figure out if this is amazing I have to do it. When we are in a situation we often think of the worst things that could possibly happen, but what if instead we thought of the best outcomes. What if we decided it’s going to be ok either way. If I fail at college or if I succeed in college is completely up to me and either way it will be ok, I will be ok. I will still be loved by Papa, my family and close friends. What is something that is scarring you to do right now? What if you decided that either way life will be ok? What if you decided to get up and DO IT.Get up today, get out of your comfort bubble, punch fear in the face and do something that scares you before you go to bed. I encourage you to do something every day that scares the living hell out of you. You will quickly figure out what you are truly made of and how strong you really are. Thanks Megs for the inspiration this week ❤

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

The Importance of Grieving Through Cjs Eyes

Grief. What a word that is. This word has the power to impact every living person. That is so interesting that no matter where you have lived, or your background every person sooner or later experiences grief. There are two ways you can deal with grief. You can either face it head on or stuff it deep down inside of you thinking, “it will never have to come out. It will forever stay stuffed in there because I will make it. It feels safer there.” I can tell you not only from my own experience with stuffing my feelings and grief down, but also from working in a counseling center, the stuffing only works for so long. Those feelings, the pain, the grief will come out, but the longer it sits waiting to come out the more ugly and harder it becomes. Let me tell you my own experience with this.

April 14th 2010. What a day! I finally turned 13! I was a real teenager, finally, I felt so incredible this day. I felt like I was finally old enough to really hang out with my sisters Caity and Courey. They were 6 and 5 years older than me so I always wanted to be with them, but they usually told me “you’re not old enough.” Well not anymore! I had a simple birthday party at my youth group at little Desert Oasis Christian Center. I had made cupcakes for everyone and I was so excited to celebrate this age. I can still remember Courey being a butthead because well she always was.

April 16th 2010. This is forever one of my favorite days. The night before my sisters and I stayed up watching movies and we all slept in Caity’s bed. We had so much fun! We all had the 16th off so we decided to drive an hour to Tonopah and surprise Courey’s boyfriend at the time and eat at this Mexican restaurant. We had so much fun. I’ve never laughed so much in my life, even still to this day. It was the most incredible day. Us girls didn’t fight we just got to hang out.

April 17th 2010. A day that forever changed my life. Courey was going to Reno this day. She was going with a few friends and the boyfriend I mentioned earlier. I don’t remember where Caity, my mom and dad were as a lot of that time is blurry to me now. But I do remember I got to hang out with Courey the entire day. We watched movies in the morning, and I helped her pack her and bags and clean her car that afternoon. Man I loved this day. It was a Saturday and I remember going to bed that night excited for church the next day. I was waiting for Courey to call once she made it to Reno. I was  waiting for her call on the house phone ( back when those were a thing lol) when she called I was going to have her help me pick out an outfit for church. I remember feeling excited for her. After many years of struggles that she walked through she was finally getting her life on track. She was going to go to BSSM with Caity in the fall. I was so happy for her. Sadly her story and her life ended that night. She was in a car accident and she passed away on impact.

She passed away around 9:30ish at night, we didn’t get the news until some time early Sunday morning probably sometime between 2-4am. I remember being startled awake by the worst most scary screaming noise I’ve ever heard coming from my living room. I didn’t know if this was a dream or if something awful was happening in my home. I peered from my bedroom to look into the living room and I saw my mom standing in the middle of the room. A man and a women on my couch, all I could see were the back of their heads. And then I saw Caity’s feet, she was curled up on the floor, crying like I’ve never heard or seen, it was like a movie. I saw my dad holding and comforting her on the floor. I was really confused. The only thing I could think to explain what was happening before my eyes was “did something happen to Caity’s boyfriend?”( her boyfriend at the time worked at a gold mine) When my mom saw me she came over to me and grabbed my hands and pulled me into the living room with all of them. I turned to see who was on the couch and I saw my dad’s cop partner and his wife. I knew this meant something really bad had to of happened. Cops only bring their wives to something like this if it’s really bad. I know this because my dad had brought my mom to peoples houses before. My stomach dropped. Oh no. This is going to be bad I thought. My mom looked into my eyes with tears in hers and says “Cierra, Courey was in an accident and she didn’t make it.” I thought this is a joke. I told my mom “ no no she’s in Reno remember.” My mom shook her head and said again “Cierra, Courey was in an accident and she didn’t make it.” The realization hit me. My sister is dead. She’s not coming home. I dropped to the floor weeping. This can’t be true. There’s no way. She was just here. She’s a good driver. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I’ve never experienced so much pain. I felt sick to my stomach. My heart hurt so much I thought I was going to die. I remember after crying for what seemed like an eternity I went into my bedroom and just sat on my bed starring at this one wall in silence trying to wrap my 13 year old brain around what was happening. The lady of the couple came into my room and asked if she could call anyone for me. I needed my best friend Courtney. The lady called Courtney’s parents and her come in my house. Courtney and I sat on my bed and just starred at each other. Not knowing what to say or how to feel. The next few days and weeks are so blurry. I don’t really remember anything, my mind was in such a fog during that time. I remember we had our front door open most of the day and the night as so many people came by to give us food, comfort, love, and flowers. So many flowers. All I wanted was to run, run as far away and as fast as I could away from this. I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore. The next few weeks we had to face so many things that brought up so much pain like her 18th birthday (which my parents, sister and I all got tattooed on for her which means yes Ive been tattooed since I was 13), her memorial, and her graduation from high school.

I honestly can’t recall the next serval months either They went by so fast but at the same time so incredibly slow. One of the worst things when someone dies is the look people give you. The “are you ok?” look. Man I hate that look. Its the saddest look people give you. It seemed no matter where I was I would get that look.

I started 8th grade fall of 2010. Caity moved to Redding to do BSSM. In matter of about four months I felt that I lost both sisters. Somewhere in those few months I came to the realization “if I have to feel this horrible pain and sadness I don’t want to feel at all.” And that’s exactly what happened. I turned off all my emotions event the happy ones. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt numb. Completely numb to every emotion, every feeling I could possibly have. I never felt happy, sad, hurt, or joy. I barely laughed let alone smile and if I did it was totally fake. I felt like a statue. I was just there. I also completely turned away from God. I was so mad at Him. I was so angry. We sing these songs about this amazing God who loves us yet my sister is dead. How in the heck does that fit together?

You see when you stuff all that pain sadness and anger it has to come out. And it did. But I would only let it out for a few minutes then I would stuff it all back down until I would explode again. Over and over I would do this. Stuff then explode stuff then explode.

After a few months of this my mom was noticing it. She tells me now that she could look into my eyes and it was like there was no one inside. She saw how closed off and numb I was. She knew there was an issue.

I started my first week of high school in 2011. I was so excited. I joined the dance team and the volleyball team. I was loving it. Within that same week I had an away volleyball game and my mom looked at my Facebook. You see having parents in tune with the Holy Spirit makes it impossible to hide anything. Not that I was even hiding it that well. She saw in my messages that I wasn’t living up to who I was. I was living a shady sneaky life that was really scary for all of us. At this time my sister Caity had gone to her second year at BSSM. My parents came to me and asked if I would like to move to Redding and go to a high school there. This would mean I would live with my sister sharing a room. I would have four other girl roommates. I would live without parents. I would move 500 miles away from everything and everyone that I knew. I was terrified but something inside me knew I had to do it. Four days later with all my clothes packed in boxes my mom drove me to Redding. In just one week I went from my parents knowing nothing about how I was doing and starting high school to living without parents and living in a real city. I had to make friends for the first time since I was in preschool. I didn’t even know how todo it. Luckily, God always has a plan for us. I instantly made friends with some girls in my grade.

It has took me about 5 years to grieve things that should’ve taken 2 years. It caused me more pain waiting then it would’ve to just face it. Grieving isn’t just being sad about the loss you experience. I didn’t just have to grieve the fact that she was gone, I had to grieve what my life would have looked like and the plans we made together. It was the same thing when my parents divorced. I had to grieve the loss of the marriage but also what life would look like, what my wedding would look like, what having kids would look like, and what every day would look like. It’s a process and process is ok. Grief looks different for everyone. Even though Caity and I lost the same person and we were both Courey’s sisters it was different for each of us. And that’s great, because we are all different. 

Slowly, the brick and metal walls that I put up to surround my heart began to fall down. It’s really hard to explain exactly how I grieved it all. But some practical things that I did were I let myself feel sad or angry or happy or hurt when those feelings came I didn’t stuff them. I would also do heart checks. So I would ask my heart “ heart how are you doing today? what are you feeling?” If I felt sad and I knew I needed to cry then I would watch a sad movie that I knew would make me cry. If I was angry I would go on a run or now I ugly journal with God. Ugly journaling is a great tool. I basically write letters to those I feel angry at and write things I wish I could say to them but can’t. Then I process after with God and give him that anger. Even if I’m mad at God I angry journal. Even if it has cussing or ugly hand writing. It’s meant to be ugly. If I’m angry with God I tell Him why I feel that or why I’m mad at that person. He doesn’t get angry with me if I’m mad at Him. He just listens and we talk it out, just like I would with any of my friends. I also saw a counselor Yvonne for counseling. I also saw Ej for Sozo. These are both amazing tools to use to help you process the pain and see where Jesus was at. 

After a year in Redding I turned back to God. I am now able to grieve with Him. What I didn’t understand before was that God wasn’t this ghost that would watch me cry and just stay away watching. He was there the entire time. When I cry and I’m in pain He is crying and grieving with me. If I’m angry He is there. 100% there. I had to let go and let Him into those hurting places. I had to say “God I can’t face this pain without you. I need you to help me.” And He does every time.

I still have a lot of questions for God. I know that God didn’t cause my sister to die. I know that He didn’t take her because she was so amazing. God isn’t like that. But I also know He didn’t stop the accident from happening. Why? I have no idea. Honestly, I had to give that question to Him and stop asking. I don’t understand why bad things happen or why there are hurricanes and tornados. I do know that the answers to those questions surpass my understanding. And Im ok with that. I am ok with not knowing everything. It’s not my job to know everything. What I do is that God is good ALL THE TIME and His love ENDURES FOREVER. That is what I know and hold to.

Grieving is a process. It hurts. No one wants to go through it but I’m telling you it’s worth it to face the pain for a short time then to stuff it down and feel nothing. You find out what you are made of in the process. That is no way to enjoy life at all. God is the best comforter. He is always there just waiting for you to come to Him with your questions and your pain. He never leaves us. No mess is too much for Him. You can even be angry at Him and yell at Him. He wont leave or turn His back on you. He will just embrace you and love on you.

Also, seeing a counselor is an extremely helpful tool. They help you look at the situations from a new perspective they are there to listen and to help you. By the way seeing a counselor doesn’t mean your crazy or broken. That’s what I always thought. I thought if I’m seeing a counselor it means I’m loosing my mind and I’m crazy. It’s actually a practical tool to help you walk through pain or help you with situations you might be facing. It’s also really nice to just have someone listen to you.

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Married At 19 Through Cjs Eyes

This will be my last post for a few weeks as Im going to the UK for about two weeks. When I get back I’ll pick it back up.

I often get lots of questions from almost everyone I meet about being married young. They ask “how did you know he was the one” “what it is like being married so young” “whats your advice for people getting married young” I honestly love getting to answer these kinds of questions because it give a glimpse into my heart.

I grew up watching Disney Princess movies, meaning I grew up thinking life was this beautifully perfectly created fantasy. I quickly got a wake up call with my sister passing and my parents divorce but it didn’t stop my mind from thinking marriage was this easy, perfect, never disagreeing, spending every single second together life. When Jake and I got married almost a year ago I set myself up to fail but walking into marriage with these Disney inspired expectations. While of course I got insanely lucky to have a man who always keeps beautiful flowers on my table, marriage and life aren’t a movie.

Let me answer a few questions for those wondering

How did you know Jake was the one?- Well I don’t believe God specifically makes one perfect person for each person. I mean thats a lot of stress to find the right one. What happens if you married the “wrong one”? I think thats too complicated for God’s sake and a lot of stress for us. I know I wanted to spend my life with Jake and I knew that i was ready when I could honestly say I am willing to completely lay down my life, dreams, desires, needs for Jake. One of the speakers that speaks at BSSM said “you don’t get married to make yourself happy you get married to make the other person happy.” And I have to say I agree. In marriage you each sacrifice willingly and passionately because you love the other person and always want the best for them.

If you knew you were going to marry each other why didn’t you wait a few years to be older?- Why would we? I mean honestly think about it, as you date your hearts grow together and become connected, to remain healthy you only let your heart grow together as much as the relationship is growing. Our hearts grew al they could as we dated. Our hearts knew that the only way to remain in a healthy place marriage was the next step. And honestly I already knew I wanted to spend every day with him, why on Earth would I want to wait that out? I never wanted to prolong that or to prolong growing with him. When you get married this young its a special gift, you get to watch each other grow up, you get to be there for all the stories, you get to see each other in almost every stage of life. Its so neat! I love marriage, I love waking up next to my husband. I cant even believe we ever lived another way before this because it feels so right and perfect like it was always meant to be this way. 

What is it like being married so young?- It feels like it would if we were older. We are married. We are partners, we are for each other always. We not only partner with each other but we partner with each other dreams, needs, wants and desires and help the other person get there.

What is my advice for getting married young?- Don’t get married if you cant and are not willing to lay down your life and everything that involves that down for the other person. Listen to your friends and family and Papa (GOD). They are the ones that know you the best. They only want the best for you. They will ask you the hard questions to make sure your hearts are in the right spot. Don’t walk into marriage thinking the race is over. The race is just beginning. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you are not dating anymore. Don’t wait to wake up one day and realize your marriage is falling apart to start dating your spouse. Pursue each other. Ask each other what you need to feel pursued, and be honest about it. Go on a date night every week. You don’t have to spend money every week. Go for a walk, make food at home and go for a picnic. This is important. You need to feel connected and seen by your spouse. Pick a night that works for both of you each week and stick to it. Don’t give that night up for anything unless theres an emergency. Jake and I stick to Sundays. We love that time to turn off our phones for a few hours just to talk and ask how we are doing as a spouse and if theres anything i could be doing different to make the other person still feel loved, needed, pursued, and wanted. We are not perfect, if you know us you know that we are literally the exact opposite of each other, yes we disagree, but its how you handle the disagreements and grow from the experience as a couple.

Marriage is such an amazing part of life. If you can get married young I definitely recommend it. 

If you guys have any other questions about marriage, or being so young or anything else, just message me Id love to answer them for you!

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Stewarding Life Through Cjs Eyes

This week is about something I’m currently walking out and processing through.

My husband and I got engaged in December of 2015, I owned a pit bull for almost a year at that point and we started looking into housing and where we would live after we got married. We live in a smaller city called Redding. As I was searching through apartments and places to rent we quickly found out its incredibly hard to find an apartment willing to rent to someone who owns a dog over 25 pounds and who is sadly considered an “aggressive breed” for those who have met Gentry our pit bull that is the farthest thing from him. He might lick you to death though ;). After a few weeks of looking I really began to become scared of having to give him away, and I knew that it would be impossible for me to do that. I hadn’t talked with Jake yet about my fears and how nowhere in Redding would allow Gentry to live with us. Jake one day calls me and tells me how his parents as our wedding present were going to remodel a house they have owned in Redding and let us help pick out the paint and such. They were also letting us keep Gentry. I was so overwhelmed with joy and felt so loved by them. We spent our entire engagement not only planning the wedding, working a lot, but also remodeling this house. We repainted everything, put new floors in, new counters, shampooing the carpets in the bedrooms, new french doors, etc. There was outside work that needed to be done, but we were more concerned with the inside than the out. It was a lot of work that we did and Im so in love with my home. Its such a blessing to be living in a home at 19 years old and newly married. 

About two weeks ago I was coming home from a very long day of work and school, as I pulled into my driveway I noticed how I just let the weeds, and trash pile up all around the outside of the house. Now, Ive been seeing this all year but that day something inside me shifted. It was like my heart broke when I saw it all. We had done such an amazing job stewarding the gift on the inside of the house but we let the outside slip away from us. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I instantly thought what if my in laws who so generously gave us an amazing start to our marriage saw this. That couldn’t feel very good. Why would they ever want to trust us with something like this again if he hadn’t stewarded the first gift they gave us. 

I ran inside the house changed my clothes grabbed my work gloves and picked up the trash ( it wasn’t as bad as you’re thinking, there was hardly any trash, but a lot of weeds) and picked weeds for about two-three hours every night since. While I was spending the hours outside I was beginning to feel this excitement build up in me. I was excited to go home and pick the weeds and fill in holes in the dirt, and trim trees and much more. This was something I had never felt before. It was incredible. During the hours outside I was just talking with God about why I let this go so far, and why all the sudden did it need to change. I just kept hearing stewarding your life well. Something clicked. If you cant be trusted with the smallest of things, how would you ever be trusted with bigger and better things?  You wouldn’t! A boss would never give the employee who is known to be late, never gets the jobs he assigned to do this big project that the company depended on. That would be foolish of the boss. Why should our lives be any different. We should be stewarding everything we have been given in this life. 

Im still in the process of what does this look like in other ways in my life. This wont be an over night change but this is a great start for me. Now, its been a few weeks of spending all my extra energy on parts of my yard. Our back patio is now weed free, we have made raised flower beds with beautiful flowers, no more holes and trimmed trees. Im so excited to begin this new process with the Father and learning as much as I can about stewarding my life and all the gifts I have been blessed with(physical gifts like my house- and spiritual gifts from Papa).

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Something Different Through Cjs Eyes

Hey guys! This week will be a little different than what I have been posting. I want to share something truly amazing that happened last week.

In May of 2015 I adopted my first dog Gentry from the local Haven Humane Society. I love this dog, he is the most amazing dog I have owned. My husband and I decided we wanted Gentry to have a friend to play with so we went and adopted a nine week old puppy in September of 2016, we quickly noticed that this puppy was really sick and not doing well, long story short the puppy ended up passing away two days after we got her. A couple days later we decided we still wanted Gentry to have a friend, with our heavy hearts we headed to the same Haven Humane society I got Gentry from just to look. We quickly fell madly in love with this one year old mix named Loki. He was perfect! He loved to play and we know that Gentry would just love him. We took him home and Gentry and Loki were best of friends that night, they just played all night and I could tell how happy Gentry was. The next day at work I got a phone call from my husband saying how Loki somehow got out of our kennel inside our yard and was hit by a car. My heart sank. How could this be?! He was fine and happy and healthy this morning. We ran to the vet to find Loki was not doing well and had to make the decision to put Loki down. This broke my heart. I lost two puppies in the matter of days. We decided we could not face another heartbreak so we wanted to just have Gentry for awhile and revisit getting another in a year or so. Well in December we ended up adopting Jake’s aunt’s 8 year old golden retriever Comet. We were a little overwhelmed with two very large dogs in our small house but very excited for our little family of four!

Well its been about three months now since we have had Comet. Gentry and Comet are the very best of friends and we love them so much!

Last Sunday, March 5th, I let the dogs out in the backyard to go to the bathroom and enjoy the sun not knowing that a part of fence was down. A few minutes goes by and I go to let them in. Oh no! They were not anywhere in the yard. I quickly run inside to let my husband know. I run all around our house and they are completely gone. I cant see them anywhere. So we jump in our cars and go racing down all the streets to find them. As you can imagine my heart is full of fear and Im sobbing thinking “Please Jesus, not again.” I instantly remembered a story my mom told me about this guy Bobby Conner, who lost a pocket knife that meant a lot to him. He was sitting in his hotel room and cried out to God “I want my knife back!” and literally out of thin air his knife falls onto his hotel bed. So I cried out to God saying “ I want my puppies home!” I keep praying and after a few minutes all of the sudden I realized, I forgot my cell phone at home so if Jake finds them I wont know. So I drive home and as I pull into my drive way a lady is parked next to our house with our puppies in her car completely safe!! I quickly jumped out of the car and hugged on them and then took them into the house. When I asked the lady how she found them she told me this “ I was sitting in Bethel Church’s 1:00pm service and God told me leave church right now and drive. So I did, I then asked God where should I go. He told me to go down Churn Creek (which is the house I Cierra live on) and go to the Starbucks on that road. As soon as I was almost there I asked ok why God am I going to Starbucks and then your dogs were right there and i knew this is why.” My dogs jumped right into her car, which they wouldn’t typically go with a stranger. The lady then asked Jesus “ ok Jesus where do i go” He told her to by my house. As soon as she pulled so did we. The craziest part about all of this is that our address isn’t anywhere on either one of the dogs tags at all just our cell phone numbers. 

I know that these are just dogs, but God cares about the small things, He care so much about us. He loves me so much that He brought my puppies home. 

God is so good!!

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

True Meaning Of Unconditional Love Through Cjs Eyes

  Unconditional love, what does that even mean? Well I think it means that no matter what happens, the good the bad the ugly I will CHOOSE to love you even when I don’t even like you at the moment.   This sounds really nice until something ugly happens, or when the other person chooses to do something hurtful for you. When that moment comes you have two choices: 1) you can walk away-this is the easier choice or 2) you can stay and fight for the relationship.   This doesn’t just include husbands or wives  it includes kids, friends, and parents. That’s right your parents you have a choice to love them! How crazy to think about!   Since Im a Christian I’ve always known about this idea of unconditional love Psalm 136:2 Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever. Ive always known that God loves me so incredibley much no matter what I do He will ALWAYS choose to me and choose to love me. I never thought my idea of unconditional love would get tested.   I grew up a pastor and cops kid, which makes it hard for a kid. We are held up to this standard of living which is hard to do especially for a teenager. After my sister passed away I started to rebel and make really poor choices. When I  was choosing a lifestyle of not great choices and my parents found out, they never made me question whether or not they loved me. They didn’t love the choices I was making and they knew I was better than that but they never withheld their love as a punishment.   All this to say, a little over two years ago my parents told my sister Caityln and I that they were getting a divorce. This shook me to my core. How could this be? How could they do this to us? I had so many questions but not enough answers. I wont go into details about a lot of this to cover and protect my family. But I was extremely angry, j was hurt . To say the least. In that moment and throughout these last two extremely hard years I had two choices, 1) I can walk away because they hurt me, they did something that made me question a lot of things, or 2) even though they did choose something that was painful and not right I still get to have the choice to love them.   I chose to love them. It honeslty was not easy. It was really painful and it has been a long two years but no matter what they still chose me when I was making choices they didn’t like. If God the most perfect Father still chooses them who am I to withhold from them.   With parents kids and spouses we don’t get to just decide we are going to only love them when its easy and convient for us. We choose to love them when its hard and inconcivent and when they make poor decisions.   Also, with this comes boundaries. Boundaries are important in any relationship. Just because we are choosing to love them even when we are hurt by them doesn’t mean they get to walk all over us. I did this with my parents I had to set boundaries in order to feel powerful, and feel like I was also in the relationship. Boundaries are powerful, not punishment. We do need to guard our heart and not let others walk over us. But great boundaries are created out of love and out of looking forward to future of the relationship and to benefit both parties in the relationship. If you guys would like more information about boundaries and that process just message me I'd love to share more one on one   Also, this is a touchy subject  I do not condone emotional or physical abuse. Abuse in any form is not ok and there are some amazing resources for you.  National domestic violence hotline 1800-799-7233.   

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Body Shamming Through CJs Eyes

This is something very close to me. This is something that has affected me as long as I can remember. All my life I have been a skinny girl, I have never struggled with watching what I eat or having to work out to maintain. I’m sure some reading this are already angry with me.

With this being my reality, I have had girls say “why are you so skinny” “you need to eat more” “men like girls with meat on their bones”

This has been told to me my entire life even still today. I see this as body shamming. You are putting shame on me for the way I was created. I had no control over choosing my genetics. These words you say over me cause me to shame myself. I have had to work really extremely hard to be ok with the way my body was created. Months before I got married, I realized I was scared. Why was I scared? I’m skinny right? Just because I am a skinny woman doesn’t mean there aren’t things Id like to change. With the skinny girl body shamming I realized I wasn’t even comfortable by myself with my body and the thought of sharing that with my future husband scared me. Luckily I know Jesus, I know my Father in Heaven who loves me and finds me perfect. So I worked hard and for months to become comfortable in my own skin again.

I really hope those reading can hear my heart. I love to empower women. I never want another women to go through what I had to. All girls have struggles with body image. With magazines saying what the perfect body type is and how we should look like it doesn’t surprise me that a lot have women are concerned with how they look. I am so proud of the women who are breaking out of the size 2 perfect body type. I’m so proud of those who are happy with their bodies not being a size 2 and they feel confident and beautiful. I’m so excited to be apart of this time where we can celebrate the plus size models for being so beautiful and confident.

I think as women who all struggle we need to come together celebrate our differences. We should celebrate every body type and shape. We are ALL beautiful. We were all created out of the fathers love. God celebrates each and every one of us, He finds us so beautiful and unique. I think we should join him instead of putting each other down.

Now that I get my identity from the Lord instead of the world, I’m very confident in myself. I feel comfortable in everything I wear. I know that outer appearance doesn’t make me beautiful but my confidence and who I am makes my beautiful.

I would encourage you all to find out what the Father is saying about who you are and he created you. Lets celebrate each other. Lets celebrate our differences and out similarities.

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Body Shamming Through CJs Eyes

This is something very close to me. This is something that has affected me as long as I can remember. All my life I have been a skinny girl, I have never struggled with watching what I eat or having to work out to maintain. I’m sure some reading this are already angry with me.

With this being my reality, I have had girls say “why are you so skinny” “you need to eat more” “men like girls with meat on their bones”

This has been told to me my entire life even still today. I see this as body shamming. You are putting shame on me for the way I was created. I had no control over choosing my genetics. These words you say over me cause me to shame myself. I have had to work really extremely hard to be ok with the way my body was created. Months before I got married, I realized I was scared. Why was I scared? I’m skinny right? Just because I am a skinny woman doesn’t mean there aren’t things Id like to change. With the skinny girl body shamming I realized I wasn’t even comfortable by myself with my body and the thought of sharing that with my future husband scared me. Luckily I know Jesus, I know my Father in Heaven who loves me and finds me perfect. So I worked hard and for months to become comfortable in my own skin again.

I really hope those reading can hear my heart. I love to empower women. I never want another women to go through what I had to. All girls have struggles with body image. With magazines saying what the perfect body type is and how we should look like it doesn’t surprise me that a lot have women are concerned with how they look. I am so proud of the women who are breaking out of the size 2 perfect body type. I’m so proud of those who are happy with their bodies not being a size 2 and they feel confident and beautiful. I’m so excited to be apart of this time where we can celebrate the plus size models for being so beautiful and confident.

I think as women who all struggle we need to come together celebrate our differences. We should celebrate every body type and shape. We are ALL beautiful. We were all created out of the fathers love. God celebrates each and every one of us, He finds us so beautiful and unique. I think we should join him instead of putting each other down.

Now that I get my identity from the Lord instead of the world, I’m very confident in myself. I feel comfortable in everything I wear. I know that outer appearance doesn’t make me beautiful but my confidence and who I am makes my beautiful.

I would encourage you all to find out what the Father is saying about who you are and he created you. Lets celebrate each other. Lets celebrate our differences and out similarities.

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

Women's Rights Through CJs Eyes

For a long time I’ve hidden my thoughts and feelings about a lot of things. I would only tell those who were close family and friends. I have this burning in my heart, which I cannot hide any longer.

With the recent Women’s March there has been a lot swirling on social media and the news about women’s rights. As a women I absolutely believe in equal pay, women’s freedom to be independent and such.

A few days ago as I was scrolling through social media I saw a friend of mine (woman) post this article about how women were going to have to start signing up for the draft after a certain date. This friend expressed how angry she was about this. She was saying it’s unfair to women, how we shouldn’t have to do that. Yet this is the same woman who was posting about how we are demanding to view as equals to man. I find this very interesting. I think we are fighting for rights we honestly already have. (There is no news yet whether or not this change to the draft will happen, as far as the research I’ve done has told me)

As women we have come so far. We were seen as objects, as property. But this is 2017 now. We are allowed to vote, wear whatever we choose (apparently that even means close to nothing) we have so much freedom compared to what we did. I do see that sometimes equal pay is neglected which should change. We are hard working Americans after all, doing the same job as a man. We should be equally paid.

Now at the same time, we are not equal to men. Our anatomy is different; we have different sciences to us. We are made to be pursued by men. Men were made to chase us, pursue us, and protect us. We were created to be loved by them. What I’m not saying is that we need men to do everything us and we need to just stay home cooking. What I am saying is that we need to let men pay for dinner, buy us flowers, take us on dates. They need to be the one initiating dates, and truly pursuing us. We are not damsels in distress whatsoever, but there is something unique about being truly loved and pursued by a man. We should as women should be able to change a tire, we should be able to take care of ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we have to.

A few months ago I blew out a tire, now as raised by a very manly man we were taught to be able to change a tire. I knew that I could easily change it myself and be just fine. But instead of just doing it, I called my husband. I let him come rescue me. It was a sweet moment for him to sacrifice his time to drive across town to be the hero and change my tire. We need to be pursued, especially by our husbands.

Now this women’s march. Let me just express I support our freedom to do and say as we please. This is America. This is important and essential to our freedom. However, when I found out that women carrying signs for Pro Life were not allowed to participate I was shocked. How is this fair? You can carry signs that express profanities, and such but how dare I express my right as an American right to say babies matter. This makes no sense to me. What was the protests original goal? To me it is 100% unclear. Are we fighting for rights we already have? Was this a protest to get Trump out of office?

Now I don’t necessarily like Trump, I think he can be disrespectful. But he is honest. He is not your average politician which what I really enjoy about him. We need changes to Washington, and he is just what the doctor ordered. I don’t know if he will be a good president. Actually no one knows. As a country we are very divided right now. Which is truly heart breaking. We are one nation. As a nation, instead of assuming he will be a horrible president, lets stand together and lets give the man a chance. Lets find out if he will truly do as he promised, and see if he will be a good president.

Now this is a blog about women’s rights not a Pro Trump blog, so let me end with this:

We deserve equal rights as women, we deserve to be able to do and say as we please just like men do. But we already have these rights. We should be fighting for the women who don’t have rights. The women who are still seen as objects in other countries. That’s what we should be fighting for. To say women in America are denied any rights is a joke. Lets look at the bigger picture, women of other nations. We need to speak up for those we actually don’t get a voice.

-Life Through Cjs Eyes

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]