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so... hello again

greetings everyone, it is i, angel... it's been far too long since i've logged into this account, let alone been active in this (or any) fandom space, and for that, i apologise x.x i know things have changed quite a lot since i was last online and i believe this fandom is not what it used to, but if anyone's been waiting for an update on any of my projects (my fics, my graphics and whatnot), and you happen to be reading this, then i'm deeply, deeply sorry. i assure you, it was never my intention to depart so abruptly from this lovely internet space of ours, but life can be spontaneously hard sometimes, as we all know.

so, what happened, you might wonder?

in short, i got kicked out of the home i shared with my mother and brother, and have been living on my own for a while, with little to no spare time to be faffing around online in between my two (now one) jobs and being homeless for a while (which might become my reality again, but more on that later).

now, for a longer explanation of how this came to be my life, i believe a couple trigger warnings might be in order. if ableism, transphobia, sexual assault (i suppose?), and general abuse are not something you are in the mindset to read about right now (or you don't care for a frankly pathetic sob story), please don't click read more. i won't be too descriptive anyway, but i know how these things can sometimes get us in a funky headspace and i wouldn't want to impose that onto anyone.

so, where we left off: a little over a year and a half ago, my mother and brother had recently gotten minimum-wage jobs. she still has hers; he has since quit his. we were making due, but even with my sporadic income (no one would formally hire me due to my health issues, but i was doing some jobs around), our economic status was far from stable.

this led to a bunch of resentment from my brother, specifically, since he felt i wasn't doing anything to help our family out (save for cooking and cleaning and doing all the house chores and buying food, but whatever), so he started being verbally and physically abusive to me, always making sure to hurt me in ways that wouldn't be evident to my mother.

but i survived, and i was willing to continue to put up with all this if that meant i could be around to care for my mother... but then i found out something i really couldn't just, ignore. and thus everything fell apart.

see, my brother is an ai afficionando; has been since midjourney (?) was first released. i never paid too much attention to what he was doing with all that, but i was vaguely aware of the fact that he was utilising such tools to produce —forgive the bluntness— anime porn that he would then edit (to make it seem more man-made) and post online in order to get tips and buy himself personal stuff. for better or worse, such illustrations were not... of the normal variety, let's just say. as far as i know, i believe they would be considered decently-heavy fetish art.

which is whatever, we don't kinkshame and all that, but it's still rather gross to know one's brother is doing anything of such nature, i suppose.

alas, rather harmless, seeing as it's just anime girls, right?

except —and here's the more triggering part— to make a little more cash he would sell extra content to certain patrons of his. not more illustrations, though, because that would maybe be the weird-but-logical thing for him to do; no, what he was doing was selling pictures of me sleeping, where he would approach me as i was snoozing and lift my shirt to expose my body to his creepy clientele.

...so uh, yeah. yuck.

i found out by waking up during one of his transgressions, where he then confessed to it all nonchalantly and proceeded to explain to me how it wasn't even that bad since i am (blissfully for a trans man) rather flat-chested and look rather childlike which makes it all so much worse imo

i proceeded to confront him further, tried to live with it for a couple days as i debated if it was right for me to ruin our family over this, then attempted to tell my mother, only for my brother to thwart my attempt by outing me as a trans man and for my nun-raised mother to throw me out basically on the spot.

and so, here we are. almost a year later, i now work at a cinema, worked for a clothing store that's recently closed, have a handful of good friends and live in a very small and shitty one-bedroom apartment —an upgrade from the bench i used to inhabit just five months ago—. it's not the greatest life, but i no longer live with a weirdo abuser so i guess i'm winning a little here, as much as i miss my sometimes-horrible mother and how i yearn having a bed once more.

it's not all that great though, seeing as i will have to vacate my apartment soon since the landlord's niece is moving to town and he wants me out so the lady can have a place...

...which is why i came online for just a little while and typed all this. shameless as it might be, i recognise i need help and i know no other place to ask, so i figured it wouldn't hurt (much) to put together this little post and maybe link my old ko-fi account here, in the event that there's someone out there who can and wants to help me out a little. anything helps, so don't think too much about it if you can't afford to send me much, or anything at all; i'll be okay regardless since i can always go back to the bench (it's a rather lovely place to stargaze, i must say).

and in regards to posting any new creations or updating the ill-fated stories i once started (and think about nearly every day)... i can't promise anything; life's too unpredictable at this point and i suspect that won't change for a while. but who knows, maybe the new season will give me some energy to do something. we'll see about that.

for now, this post has gone on for far too long, so this is it from me. thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read my ramblings, and for everyone who's tried to check in on me throughout the year.

take care and have a lovely day / night. see you when i see you !

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Huevember day 16: After the Void

Nobody ever did come to her birthday party :(

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so when are the buttercups dropping the beach episode

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cali crew as weezer 🤭

(weird concept I know just pretend to go along with my shenanigans 💪🏼, oh and @/jadeschoncehun is my insta)

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evening stroll

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Drew these ruins from Bdubs Megabase. Just painting/colour practice, went a bit feral with the theming

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Fun AU concept that’s been on my mind for a while now!

(P.S. If anyone is interested in collabing with me/writing this fic please let me know!!!)

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It stopped raining in Pale City

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THE MEGA ENTRANCE

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*deep breath* SKYWARD SWORD ZELINK AS BYLER LETS GOOOOOOO

(this took me NINE hours btw. how. why.)

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WELCOME TO SCARLAND

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im genuinely in love with gems cherry tree (and her base in general) it's so pretty!!

lineart + flats under the cut, rbs appreciated :)

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I drew Grian's season 9 base

it's not up to date, I think I'm missing something, but I'm still super proud of how this came out

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@bylerween2023 Day 6 ~ Supernatural Creatures

(90s college Byler ghost hunters/cryptid nerds)

Palette: The Meek Shall Inherit What's Left by @plaguedemon

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commission i did for @weirdowheeler !!!!!!!!! i love this prompt so much

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Finally finished my painting of Vessel :)

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I had the absolute pleasure of working with @starshinewriter for the @bylerbigbang this year! It has been a blast getting to reading their fic and make this art for it!

you can read their amazing story HERE!