lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Emotions pt 2

This is the extension of when my sister moved out. We had a small group of friends who lived nearby, and we would visit them occasionally. Lets call these people "Family B" So we'd visit them every once in a while, and my sister would always chat with family B and very often go and sleepover with them. Remember, she was still struggling with depression. One day, my mom goes out with our grandma in london. She desperately needed a break, and little did I know. My sister had decided to go to a party against my mom's wishes. This party had boys, and possible drugs and drinks. This was after prom, my sister wasnt even graduated yet. My mom gets angry and texts my sister to go back home, and I'm at home with no idea what happened. The next morning my sister lets in Family B, and for some reason Family B decides to take us. My mother was terrified of what was happening, and was so mentally unstable at that moment. Family B said they weren't giving either me or my sister back. At the time I was 16, but I'd lived a sheltered life so I had no idea what exactly was happening. My sister was 18. Nearly graduating. I had no idea what was happening and just treated this trip as a sleepover, no idea why this was happening. While I was there at Family B's house with my sister, I started to get sick. I threw up and they were trying to give me medication that I'd never had before. I rejected their offer after trying one of their things. I just rested on the balcony, feeling pale as all hell. Exausted and very unwell, at the time I didn't know any of my choices. All I knew was "stay." While that was happening, my sister didn't even help me. She just patted my back in an uncomfortable way, in which I told her to just not to touch me. Then Family B told my sister and I that we'd have to go back. Or at least I would. I vollunteered to go back, telling my sister that she can stay. Her reaction to possibly going back was filled with anxiety and such. I packed my things again, feeling weaker than before. Pulling my backpack upstairs. I see my dad and something lifts me up, suddenly I feel like I have the energy to carry my bag properly. I had no idea what happened there, but i realized. I was supposed to be with my parents, not Family B. I put my bag into the car and sit in the back, noticing my mom in the front. Then she turns around, I'm shocked by the sheer amount of tears on her face. My steeled emotions turned to putty as I realized she wasnt even mad, she was just terrified. We spend most of the time home for a bit, and I'm mostly getting better with her. We talk alot while my sister is gone, and we realize we barely knew anything about each other. I keep going to school and keep feeling heart wrenched while seeing her on the bus. She cries, I cry. But the more I think about it, I did miss her. But the thing I hated was the fact that she took so much time away from me and my mom. She wanted all the attention and energy from my mom when she had none. Me on the other hand was happy with anything, I'd always be happy with even the smallest thing. Like candy bars or a card. I was easily satisfied, and that made it easier on my mom and dad. After my sister graduated, I spent most of my time with my mom. Chatting with her, and seeing her grow. The longer my sister was gone for, the more my mom grew into learning about trauma and how to handle it. She sometimes consulted me about the teachings she was recieving, and I would be able to explain the methods and how to go through with some of them. But most of all I was learning more about her, at that time she loved cooking. Then it turned to resolving trauma, and we looked towards therapy for my mom and sister. While Me, in the middle. I dealt with the frustration of seeing my sister just act like she's being judged too harshly. I just most of all communicated that I was the one watching most of the time, and the stupidest thing came out of my sister's mouth at that time. "You're not the watcher anymore, I wont let you be in the middle." HAH! I'm your sister and Mom's

kid. I will always be in the middle. Then she proceeded to get upset at mom for communicating with me. From which I responded with a small cry, "i want to know". Then she says I dont need to know. But I'd been shut down and left behind in the closet of living a sheltered life. I was much too sheltered and this was both my mom and sister's fault. But now my mom was revealing the truths to me, and I started to see more about reality. Its not easy at all, you have to make sure you get shit done or else you get evicted. You have to make sure you do things or else you'll not recieve legal money from the gov't. The more I talked with my mom and learned about what my sister said about me, the more I felt hurt. Yeah its fine if you told me face to face, but you said that to mom. Pushing her away from me as I moved along all alone with no one to confide to about my own familial issues. When she moved out. I don't know what exactly was going through my head, but I was suddenly completely against my sister coming back. I was paying for the place myself now, and I didnt want it anymore. As in I didn't want the tense feeling that my sister made whenever they came over. Of course, my sister just blamed it on my mom. Saying it's her who is making the air tense. But to be honest, both me and my mom just couldn't handle my sister being back. So the best thing for me and my mom, instinctually I knew. We had to cut her out of our lives. But my mom still held out hope that they would come back. Back to normal, but the more she tried. The more my sister just deteriorated. Now its just me and my mom, safe from anything my sister says now. My mom is finally telling my grandma to stop supporting my sister so she gets a taste of real life. So she understands how hard it is to live by themselves. Honestly they'll always be babied until they actually live on their own, without talking to any people. Just chores and saving money so they wouldn't have to worry about medical bills. But of course, ordering out is more important. Going to starbucks is more important, going to abandoned buildings is more important. Her friends were always more important. This is my goodbye. I refuse to help you in any way because you refused to help mom when she asked. When you came around, you'd lay around and let skittles(her service dog) Bark and affect Sully(mom's service dog) to bark as well. When skittles isnt around sully is perfect. He behaves and doesnt bark at all. Theres so much more I want to write but I'm scared to move forwards to those words, I myself am not ready to say the words left over in my head. So. Good bye, and have a nice life. I still love you but stay the hell away from me and my family.

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Emotions

Do you ever feel like... Things are so great but theres this one part of your life you wish you could change so that you could be more confident in yourself? Fair warning: If you're my sister this might hurt you. So read at your own risk. I do. Its like this small splinter that I just can't block out anymore. When I was younger, I had none of my mother's attention. I was basically an outcast in my own family. There was even a time where my own sister called me a "mistake" which my mother quickly rejected the thought. Getting upset at my sister who said it. But Deep inside I was hurt, because I even thought of that. But I couldn't tell my mom that at the time. I was so quiet, I never asked for money to go to sports events. Even though I wanted to. I always did most of the chores, and sometimes ended up staying home alone. Because my sister... Well she had depression and she was trying to recover. Me on the other hand, I was the completely stable kid. Only slight behavioral issues. Some lying and some defiance, but in the end I was still a good kid. I usually confided in my mom's fiancee, who I considered my dad. I trusted him and he made good out of that trust. Teaching me about life and such. I felt like I belonged, but it was still hurting. I wanted my mom back in my life, but it was always about my big sister... I get my sister has issues, but now I'm scared to even do anything. On my sister's graduation, I decided to tell my sister what sort of dress I wanted to wear. It was the cutest thing, and I loved it. I felt excited! I was going to be feminine for once! nope. My sister convinces me to be matching with her, and we get one pieces. Along with sunflower bracelets. I'm standing there accepting it, looking in the mirror. I looked good, but I was hurt. My heart was hurting because I voiced it. I said what I wanted to wear, but I couldn't push back to say. HEY! I wanna do this! Now I'm just a confused gal trying to making past the next marker and survive. Yeah, I don't have depression. But I have anxiety in a different form. I don't have panic attacks, I just randomly start biting my nails or I start to pick my face. If theres a pimple, I pop it. I try to stop myself, and recently I've been able to avoid overall my face. My nails however... Theres been alot of people telling me to get a nail polish for it, but thats not the solution I want. I want to feel like I dont need to bite my nails, I want to feel comfortable. But I'm still nervous. My sister's left the house, but there are times where I'm scared that my mother. Who I have an amazing relationship with now, will leave me again. Then run off and push her own body to satisfy my sister's wants. Again, I said "Wants". Everything's been about what my sister wants. She doesn't want to do anything. I have to do everything. Chores are too much for her, I have to do them all. There was even a point in time where I was in my room, peacefully resting. Suddenly my dad bursts into the door, telling me the floors flooded with water. I yell back that my sister had done the dishes today(for once). She had forgotten to turn the water off afterwards. After that incident, I usually did the dishes. I had to make sure I get them done in the mornings before I went to school too. And to do that I woke up at 5-6 am. Got ready, all dressed and packed up. Then I went onto the bus at 7-7:30. I was a tired kid, but I managed to get pretty good grades in all my classes. But for some reason, my sister didn't get very good grades. Which confused me, what was she spending all her time on? Oh. Friends. That's what. So I was mostly on my own since I never felt like I belonged in a certain group. So I just... Walked away, Idk why im saying all this in a tumblr post. Maybe its because I secretly want my sister to see how bad I was hurt. How badly I was affected... I have a part of me that blames her for alot of things. Small little splinters that slowly sunk in. My discomfort for the color yellowish-green. (it was a nice shirt too... Ended up giving it

to her.) My concern over money. (She'd always end up going everywhere and I got concerned if my mom could afford it, so I just didn't go.) My fear of being hurt by people. (She'd say things like this person has a bad aura, when in reality this person just looked suspicious.) The fact that I don't have much hobbies since me and her had similar interests. (I always felt like I was her shadow, and when I started to get into things, she just went like "Oh... ok bye!") The sheer lack of attention I got. She was always hogging my mom's attention. Leaving me all alone and I barely knew anything about my mom. At one point my dad told me to go get a gift for my mom. I didn't know what to get. I was crying so hard because this wasn't my fault. After that, my dad apologized to me. Same with my mom, they both apologized. Then alot of crazy stuff happened including her moving out. (the moving out part I want to keep seperate.) I learned about my mom, about everything she likes. She saw how little she knew about me as well, and pretty soon she felt guilt as well. How could she tell me to get her something, when she knew nothing about me. For my 12th birthday I asked for rollerskates. We went to ripleys aquarium, and I was throughly enjoying myself. We saw the shrimp and the jellyfish. All the creatures in the sea was so fun to see... But then.... On my birthday- My sister suddenly says that she's anxious. (too many people around for her). Of course, I'm considerate but sometimes I wish I just put my foot down and said **"No! I wanna stay longer!"** But of course, I was the good kid. So hey! Yeah, I felt all this. So a part of me hates you, but I still care about you. You're my sister, but did you ever really... Love me? Thats my question for you. Instead of crying, I want you to really think. Whenever you gave me something, was it really something that made me happy? Or was it something that made only you happy? Because the more I think of the past, the more I remember the times when I fake smiled. Following in your footsteps because you were always talking about your own issues when in reality you should've only spoken to a therapist like I did. When shit got rough in school, I saw a therapist. I talked about my issues, there were even times when I just asked if I could have a nap or eat some lunch. It was the best place to just unwind. -AH! another thing that confused the fuck outta me. A really fricking nice teacher spent lots of money on you, gave you a place to hang out at during lunchtime. Was supportive even outside of school. Then suddenly you say "No I didn't like them.." **WHAT? THEY HELPED SO MUCH AND YOU SAY THAT?? IM SO CONFUSED?** I loved that teacher btw, they were very supportive and always set up academic bowl and were really supportive. There was this one time I got sick on a trip, then when I finally got home. I got much better. But that teacher kept checking on me, and making sure I had some food into me as I shivered from my illness. That teacher was the best, and they were always really huggy and comfortable. They are a taurus so it makes sense they had this motherly feel around them. Anyways- thats my piece for today. I just really needed to let this out.

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Hearing

Some people take hearing for granted though I am proud to be deaf, I do like the benifits to hearing I like to be able to understand someone without making them repeat themselves

I like to be able to make smartassed comments and not be behind in convo I like to be able to hear someone in the other room laughing at something I said I like to hear the small birds chirping outside and the small trickle of a river Like- You hearing people must’ve been overexaggerating that hearing sucks Yall get to hear the birds and laughter so much faster, when it comes to deaf people... We gotta be looking 24/7 to know if this person is happy.  We gotta pay attention 24/7 if there’s even an animal outside.  though we can see the sunlight, the reflection on the water... Its nice to just hear those small things, it relaxes me.

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

lowkey mood rn

someone kidnap me pls i want more human contact and i dont care if its toxic I’ve gotten to a whole new kinda low lol

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Silence

It’s been quiet. Nobody to talk to, to hug and tease. Just some vibrations from a speaker that is on full volume.  The feeling of loneliness keeps nagging at me like a leaf fluttering in my face. I would enjoy the quiet sometimes, but this isn’t what I want.  The silence is becoming too much, as if I’m becoming overwhelmed by the absence of contact. Please bring people back to me.

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

The “No’s”

No, don’t do the dishes No, don’t be lazy No, don’t go outside No, don’t take the dog outside No, don’t tell mom about what you’re feeling No, don’t be stressed No, don’t feel pressure No, figure it out yourself No... I’ll decide what is yes for myself, and now it’ll be Yes, get the dishes done. Yes, you’re doing an amazing job. Yes, take the dog out. Yes, talk to mom about how you feel. Yes, its ok to feel stressed. Yes, its ok to feel the pressure Breathe, take it one step at a time.

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Today I felt

Today I felt dizzy, so I went ahead and ate some food. Today I felt confused, due to my refusal to do the dishes Today I felt frustrated, crying due to my refusal. Today I felt pressure in my head, telling me that doing dishes was bad. I didn’t understand it, and it scares me to think that this feeling could overwhelm me.  Today, I’m going to do the dishes, no matter what I feel in my head. 

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Thoughts about Graduating

School went by in a flash and couldn’t even feel complete since an illness spreads and puts many’s lives at risk. How am I supposed to feel complete after this?  I’d never even gone to a party before, besides a birthday party.  All the parties I’ve been to were always too soft. I wish I could go to a rager and let loose. Listen to the music blaring in the place, and not give a fuck about what anyone else thinks. In that moment, I believe I would belong and feel as ease with myself. But then again, that moment of ease was stolen because of a life threatening illness. Fuck you Covid- 19 We will overcome you.

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

“#septicart” Have done some changes to make the edit “flow” a bit better since the last septicart event :D  @therealjacksepticeye It’s not a drawing and maybe not even art but I love how you’re encouraging the community to be creative in their own way! :D

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Iain Thomas | @wnq-quotes

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Have you really read every one of these books?

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

“Let me hug you for a while. It’s nice to hold you within my arms”