lillarumpa

[lillarumpa]

I wrote a letter to your dad yesterday and left it on his desk, but for some reason he didn’t visit his desk yesterday so he probably hasn’t read it. There was still a silence between us and I can say it was not comfortable for any of us. If things continued like this I don’t know what I would do.

This used to happen before. He stopped playing games for a while, but after that when he knew I feel better, he did it again. Well he doesn’t understand that the problem is NOT playing games. I’m never against anyone doing anything they like, but how much time he should spend on it, and how he should manage time to spare on both it, and other things. I’m so sad to see that when he stopped playing games yesterday, he was sitting in the armchair or lying in bed with his phone instead. That doesn’t make any difference. 

He didn’t even put any effort to communicate or talk with me, he didn’t even ask me to look into his eyes, and tell him honestly how I feel, and what he can do to help me feel better. It was all silence. What else can I do? 

I’m still so so sad. I just told him I wanted to go to Vietnam for a couple of weeks. I don’t know if it’s possible for me to do it, but, at least I want to let him know I want to do it, and going there is like using the last resort so I can feel better, because I’m really not happy at the moment. I feel terrible, and I need my comfort circle.

5 years of marriage, 7 years together, he has never made any attempt to learn, to understand and to embrace my root and culture. He doesn’t even want to talk with my family, to be closer to them or make the initiative to make contacts with them. And then he tells me to call his mom, his dad on their birthday and so on. I always remember their birthdays, buy them presents and talk to them. That he never does to my family.

I don’t know, don’t ask me why I feel so lonely, because I can’t feel a genuine love from him. He says he loves me all the time, but it’s just empty words, I can’t feel anything real.

I’m just tired you know. I’m tired of trying to make so much effort over the years we are together, and for nothing. Of course I know life is still so long ahead, but this time I’m tired and I want to take a break. I can’t try anymore.

[lillarumpa]

I don’t know why suddenly I feel so empty. I’m aware that there have been so many things going on these days, war in Ukraine, people arguing about different things all over the place, prices going up and down and looks like the future that lies ahead is not gonna bright, but I don’t usually just get upset because of that, cos I’m hardly affected. But…

I can just now sit for hours and cry. Suddenly I don’t feel any love around me. It feels like an electricity cut - the love that I once had is suddenly switched off.

I was crying the whole evening yesterday for nothing, until I was so tired and slept. This morning that feeling is still lingering, and I was crying all the way from home to work, even now when I’m already in my office, by myself.

I don’t know what to do later when my boss comes. I seriously just wanna be alone today, or for however long it takes for me to figure out what is going on inside me. I have always been so mindful for a while now, because I understand the law of the universe and I can easily transform my energy. But this time I just can’t. I feel so helpless, worthless and so alone. ¨

I have just realized your dad and I no longer have that connection we once had. Everyday when I come back home from work, we separated completely in our own worlds. He upstairs by his computer, and I in the kitchen, preparing dinner for the family. Sometimes I feel like It’s been a routine and when I can no longer be in the kitchen, our world falls apart. He finds it hard to get control in the kitchen (eventually he can fix something, but it’s out of a lot of stress discomfort), and I feel so weak and helpless when I can’t do things that I usually do, nor find it amusing/joyful when doing it. 

I don’t really know what to do my little sweet pea. I know I shouldn’t be like this when I’m carrying you but just give me one day to be weak and float freely in my emotion stream. I need this for my life to get balanced.

Now the hard part is I don’t know how to communicate with your dad. This happened many times before. He is always stressed when I begin to speak. I wish I could just escape and never had to face him but we live together and it’s hard to just avoid him like that. I’m completely suffocated right now.

[lillarumpa]

Đây là em của Max, hiện đã được 13 tuần rùi. Ngày hôm qua cuối cùng mẹ đã được đi bệnh viện để khám KUB và làm siêu âm để gặp em. Mẹ mong ngóng từng ngày, mà phải cố gắng làm những việc khác, tập hít thở và chánh niệm, để không bị háo hức và hồi hộp quá. Vậy mà đến lúc lên giường để bác sĩ siêu âm và nhìn thấy em mẹ vẫn ko khỏi xúc động, suýt tí nữa là khóc rồi ấy 😂

Em tin ko mẹ vẫn có cảm giác em là con gái. Mấy tuần trước mẹ đã có đến 2 giấc mơ mà mẹ nhớ phong phanh được là mẹ có con gái. Rồi mẹ nghiệm lại mẹ nhớ trước đây thi bầu Max là con trai thì hầu hết bạn bè xung quanh mẹ biết có con bằng tuổi đều có con gái. Vậy mà lần này khi mẹ bầu thì vẫn những người đó xung quanh và một số mẹ biết khác lại đang bầu con trai, nên mẹ nghĩ mình em sẽ là con gái. Khi siêu âm mẹ cũng thấy em calm hơn Max nhiều, nên mẹ có cảm giác vậy. Mẹ cũng thích ăn đậu hũ nữa, ko biết sao luôn 😊

Mẹ tin vào trực giác của mẹ lắm, nhưng rồi mình sẽ biết sớm thui. Còn hơn 1 tháng nữa mình lại gặp lại nhau rùi. Cho tới lúc đó mẹ mong em thật mạnh khoẻ và phả triển mỗi ngày nhé, mẹ xin lỗi những lúc hậu đậu và đôi lúc ăn uống chưa được lành mạnh nhưng mẹ sẽ cố gắng, cố gắng hết sức để có một thai kỳ mạnh khoẻ, để em mạnh khoẻ từng ngày. Yêu em thật nhiều, Max cũng yêu em, và bố cũng thế ❤️

[lillarumpa]

Mấy hôm trước, ngồi đọc lại cái blog này mới thấy thời gian trôi thật là nhanh, vèo một cái đã 5 năm mình bầu Max, rồi đằng đẵng mấy tháng chờ đợi đến ngày nó ra. Thế rồi mình bận quá, thế nào mà kể từ đó giờ chẳng viết gì nữa, giờ nó đã sắp sửa 5 tuổi đến nơi…

Nhưng giờ, mình lại phải viết, bởi vì…Max sắp có em rồi. Đúng vậy, mình lại bắt đầu lại hành trình ấy. Mà thật trùng hợp sao thời gian mình phát hiện ra mình bầu lần này, cũng rơi vào khoảng cùng thời gian trước đây mình bầu Max, cũng một ngày tuần thứ 3 của tháng 12…

Mình vui, vì đã chờ đợi đứa bé này mấy tháng rồi. Lần đầu tiên mình chủ động cho kế hoạch mang bầu này, bởi vậy cái cảm giác chờ đợi rồi lại thất vọng rồi lại chờ đợi cho đến khi niềm vui thực sự tới nó có một giá trị thật đặc biệt. Trước đây bầu Max vì ko có kế hoạch gì mà tự nhiên đến, nó lại mang một cảm xúc khác, kiểu như lo lắng, bối rối và sợ hãi nhiều hơn là vui mừng, nhưng tất nhiên ngày đó mình cũng đã dũng cảm đối mặt và chấp nhận rất nhanh, vì mình biết thẳm sâu bên trong, cái nature của mình vẫn rất mong muốn được chăm sóc, có con, làm mẹ. Chỉ là điều đó đến hơi sớm so với mong đợi thôi. Nhưng nếu không phải lúc đó thì là bao giờ? Nghĩ lại mình mới thấy Max đến là một điều tuyệt vời, vì nếu mỉnh cứ nghĩ mình sẽ làm mẹ, mà ko biết là bao giờ thì mãi mãi nó sẽ chẳng xảy ra đâu. Vì thế mình rất biết ơn Max.

Quay lại với đứa bé trong bụng này, mình vui lắm, nghĩ mãi về nó không thôi. Nhưng mình cũng rất lo, ko phải lo như ngày xưa kiểu ko biết mình sẽ handle thế nào, tài chính như nào, cuộc sống khó khăn vất vả ra sao, vì những cái đó mình trải qua rồi và cũng chẳng sợ nữa. Nhưng mình lo nhiều về sức khoẻ, về quá trình mang thai của bản thân. Kể từ đó đến h đã 5 năm, mình thấy sức khoẻ của mình cũng không còn như trước. Mình biết đây là lỗi của mình vì mình ko rèn luyện thói quen tập thể dục, trau dồi thể chất thường xuyên :( bởi vậy mà mình chỉ lo lắng lỡ thời gian bầu mình bị làm sao, con bị làm sao. Mình chẳng mong gì ngoài con sẽ lành lặn, mạnh khoẻ, ra đời an toàn và bình thường như bao đứa trẻ khác. Thời gian này khi phải chờ đợi thai đủ tuổi để đi làm xét nghiệm và siêu âm mình thấy dài đằng đẵng, cộng thêm cơ thể thay đổi do hormone và mới đây bị dính covid khiến mình luôn trong tình trạng mệt mỏi thì mình lại càng suy nghĩ lo lắng nhiều 😞 Dù lần này bầu Tomas đã cố gắng support thật nhiều, đặc biệt là việc nhà và chăm Max, mình vẫn cảm thấy thực sự chưa đủ vì anh ko hiểu được những cái cảm giác khó chịu mình phải trải qua. Nhưng dù sao thì mình nghĩ mình phải học cách tập trung vào những điều hiện tại, rằng mình cần phải biết ơn vì at least tại thời điểm hiện tại, mình đã khỏi ốm, mình đã heal nhanh chóng hơn mình nghĩ, mọi thứ trong nhà đều vận hành tốt, mọi người đều lo lắng và nghĩ đến mình, Max cũng rất ngoan, biết nghe lời mẹ và thương mẹ, thương em. Bởi vậy mà mình cần phải thôi lo lắng vì những điều chưa xảy ra trong tương lai 😭 mình sống cho hiện tại, nghĩa là mình đang làm gương cho đứa bé này và tất cả mọi ng xung quanh. Mình sống cho hiện tại, thì sẽ mang lại điều kỳ diệu. Phải cố gắng nào.

[lillarumpa]

How you were born

Đến nơi, mẹ được đưa vào khoa phụ sản, và ở đó các y tá lại bắt đầu kiểm tra các chỉ số của mẹ. Có một chiếc máy được đặt ngay đầu giường mẹ nằm, được dùng để đo nhịp tim của con và mạch của con. Dù lúc đấy khá đau rồi, nhưng họ vẫn bảo mẹ phải nằm đó một lúc để theo dõi, lâu lâu họ lại kiểm tra xem cổ tử cung mẹ đã mở chưa.

Đến khi cổ tử cung mở đc tầm 6cm, thì các y tá đẩy mẹ vào phòng đẻ. Tuy vậy, vào đó chỉ để họ cho mẹ tiêm thuốc gây tê, và thở khí ga cho giảm cơn co thắt thôi, còn cũng phải một lúc lâu nữa mới đẻ.

Đó thực sự là quãng thời gian mẹ cảm thấy trôi chậm nhất trong cuộc đời mẹ. Chưa bao h mẹ trải qua một cơn đau nào kéo dài đến khủng khiếp như vậy. Đã vậy đêm hôm đó cả mẹ và ba con ko ai được ngủ, nên mẹ biết ba cũng mệt và cảm thấy sốt ruột khi mẹ cứ quằn quại suốt vì đau. Mẹ nắm chặt tay ba liên hồi, mẹ cũng khóc vì đau quá, cứ thế suốt gần 10 tiếng đồng hồ. Để rồi cuối cùng 1 bà y tá đến rồi nói: Giờ cô sẽ chọc ối để cho con đẻ nhé, thế là mẹ mừng rơi nước mắt!

Con ra đời như vậy đấy. Con muốn ra, nhưng con lại cứng đầu ở bên trong cái bọc ối đó, phải đến lúc ngta chọc thủng nó ra thì con mới ra. Lúc này các y tá đã chuẩn bị sẵn sàng hết mọi thứ để đỡ đẻ cho mẹ. Họ dặn mẹ cách rặn, cách thở, lấy hơi, và rồi ko chần chừ mẹ bắt đầu làm theo.

Ban đầu mẹ rặn còn nhẹ, vì lúc đó mẹ đã đau lắm rồi, nhưng y tá lại nói phải lấy hết sức rặn mạnh hơn, thế là mẹ mới tiếp tục rặn thật mạnh. Lúc đó thật sự rất đau, nhưng cảm giác mong ngóng nhìn thấy con còn mạnh hơn thế nữa, nên mẹ dốc toàn bộ sức rặn, để đến lúc đầu con lọt ra rồi mẹ vẫn còn rặn, y tá phải bảo thôi dừng lại, đã xong rồi. Mẹ vừa buồn cười, vừa sợ, vừa đau, vừa mệt, nói chung là đủ cảm xúc.

Sau khi con ra xong, con được đặt ngay lên trên ngực mẹ, ban đầu con gào mồm khóc, sau rồi cảm nhận được nhịp tim mẹ đập, con dần bình tĩnh và lại nhắm mắt ngủ. Người mẹ nhễ nhại mồ hôi và máu. Lúc đó đã là buổi trưa ngày 25/6/2017.

[lillarumpa]

Finally you are here! In fact, you have been here for 1 week (yay! Happy 1 week old!), but I have been so tired and occupied by my new role, so I haven't written anything. Little butt, you've always been so unexpected! From the beginning when you came to us, it was already a surprise (even though I knew it could happen some time). And this time your real arrival was also something I could never imagine :) The due date should be in August, but you arrived exactly 2 months earlier. Despite the fact that we had prepared quite a lot for your coming, it was still not enough for the actual event. After moving back to our renovated apartment 2 weeks, having done all the furniture shopping, assembling and other housework, I lied on my bed on a wednesday morning to relax. Thought that everything was gonna be easy now, when the 'nest-building' was almost completed and our home was ready to welcome you, our little butt, but then I found myself bleeding when I went to the bathroom after that. I was so so freaked out. Bleeding could be a sign of so many things, including miscarriage. I was scared. My mind was spinning around and couldn't function properly at the time. I picked up my phone and called your dad, at that time was still at work, and I was crying so much when I talked to him. And after that he had to ask his boss to leave and came home to take me to the hospital. After a while, the thought of miscarrige kind of sank down, because I still felt your move/kicks in my belly. But still bleeding could be anything abnormal, so we were very anxious to figure that out. After the tram ride, we were eventually at Östra Sjukhuset, and they did a bunch of tests on me. It took 3 hours for everything: blood pressure, blood tests, baby's heart beats and movements, cervix scan, baby's ultrasound and so on. And in the end they concluded that my cervix had effaced (shortened) to 1.4cm (while normal length should be 4cm or 5cm), which is very short at 32 weeks. The doctor said that there might be a possibility that I would give birth to my baby premature, so they admitted me to the natal ward in 48 hours for observation. After 2 days at the hospital, I didn't see any new sign, even the bleeding. I had a little bit of stomach cramp that felt like menstrual cram the first night, but it disappeared the next day. So they discharged me and told me to just relax at home and not do anything. I felt so much relieved when I could go home and relax. I could just eat my own cooked food and not the hospital food. I could lie on my bed and watched TV with your dad. Everything was just great on that friday night. But only one day after, on Saturday night, after chilling on the bed watching a movie with your dad as usual, I started to feel some contractions. As if we sensed it would happen, your dad and I before that packed a big backpack of essential stuff to bring to the hospital. As the night went on, the contractions became harder and more painful. I woke your dad up, told him that it was really painful, and so he called a taxi and we arrived at the hospital at nearly 2:00 in the morning. (To be continue)

[lillarumpa]

30.05.2017

Finally I'm going through the last trimester now! It seems that you are gonna grow up really fast from this point, that's why my bump is getting bigger and heavier nowadays, and I can also feel more kicks from the inside. Your kicks are strong now. It's not like that tickle feeling anymore, it is strong kick, like kick-boxing! My stomach even looks transformed when you do that :P

Seriously I can't wait until you are here with us little butt! I'm super curious how you will become as a human. So far you have been such a good and kind baby. You move a lot when I'm a little bit emotional, it feels like you are trying to comfort me. Of course you are, because you love me, don't you?

This is Cassie, our cat. She will be your friend too, when you come out. Cassie is a very cuddly cat, she loves us so much, and I'm sure she will love you too. She has been looking forward to seeing you. You will surely become bff!

I’ve got a little pain now recently, both on my back and my legs. A couple of weeks ago I even had heartburn, which made me lose a lot of appetite. But now I'm better, even though constipation still strikes me sometimes. Hopefully you are still fine. I don't know if they will arrange any other ultrasound for us. I'm so eager to know how big you are now, and if you are doing really fine in here. Probably will ask my barnmorksa next monday, when we come for the routine visit.

Love you butt!

[lillarumpa]

31.03.2017

My bump update!

Don't see so much changes in the last couple of weeks though, but hopefully from next week onwards I can see my bump getting bigger :)

I can feel so much the kick inside me though, little butt seems like to exercise a lot, right lilla rumpa? Love you loads!!

Mamma

[lillarumpa]

29.03.2017

Finally I have some time to sit down quietly and jot down some words. It has been a big and hectic week for both me and your papa, so I had not had the time to mark the new update.

We finally went to Östra Sjukhuset for the routine ultrasound. And we were so so happy to know that you were still doing fine and your development is completely normal. We also found out that you are a baby boy!!!! And it was just so emotional for me to know that ❤️❤️❤️

I could tell how happy your pappa was. I think he felt super good about this too. Probably because he’s been familiar with growing up as a boy, with his brother, and his brother also has a son, he could actually imagine how it will work to raise you up as a boy. I hope that he will spend a lot of time with you, enjoy doing boy stuffs together and so on, not only playing video games and watching movies 😁

We also have thought about names for you. We have a list, but your papa really likes the name Max, as in Maximillian. But of course we will decide later when you’re born. That would be so exciting!

We also got married last Saturday. It was a very beautiful day actually. I think we were very fortunate to get married on that day. Both your farfar and farmor were here, not morfar and mormor though, but they will come here later to see you in summer☺️

The ceremony was short, but we had a very great time spending with each other. We also got a couple of nice pictures too! We can’t wait to show them to you when you are older. And we also got some wedding presents from our friends and family. I was super touched 💕

Now I can’t wait till summer and after that. My parents would be here, and so would you 💕

Before that be healthy and safe in there my little butt! We love you so so much! Muak muak!

Mamma

[lillarumpa]

13.03.2017

I strongly believe that I have been feeling your first kicks in my tummy! I have heard people talking about this a lot (some even can feel it already in week 15, 16), but people describe the feeling differently, so in the beginning I was a little confused, and of course was not sure if it was yours!

But I have been trying to notice more closely in the last week. Sometimes I try to sit or lie down completely still, just to distinguish your movement with others like heart beats, pulse and my own breath. And now I’m confident to say that I know how it feels when you move :)

I’m so happy little butt! Because it means that you seem to be doing well in there, and of course you are strong :) I can also see how big my bump has transformed too. I’ve started to feel a little bit heavy, even though my weigh still remains 53. But it feels great! Because when you move, I know that you’re awake with me, and so I know that you are listening to what we talk, you know what I am doing and so on. I don’t feel alone when I’m by my self anymore :)

So how the kick feels? It’s a very gentle and soft kick, it feels a little bit tickle, but also like you use your finger to poke my stomach from inside. Sometimes it feels like going down from a roller coaster in the stomach. I don’t know how to describe it precisely, but it’s a very distinct feeling. I can of course recognise it at once when you do it, it’s not like gas in the stomach, or pulse or anything else.

I’m so happy I finally feel it!! I hope that I can feel it more and more frequently. So I can actually document it and your dad won’t think that I was delusional :P

I love you so much little butt! We can’t wait until next week to meet you at the hospital, and more specially, your gender reveal!! Just so you know that whether you are a boy or a girl, we will still love you equally, and will be very happy! We will see if you are a Max, or a Amanda :)

Puss puss

Mamma.

[lillarumpa]

27.02.2017

There are days I don’t feel like talking at all, like today. I’m not exhausted or anything. I had a long sleep last night, ate a full breakfast when I woke up, and went out for a walk. But I don’t know why I still feel tired. I even almost got fainted this morning. And then suddenly I just lost interest with everything, even talking to your papa. 

 I'm so scared and worried. This is such a long time of waiting until I can go to the hospital and have you checked up. I really don't know how you are doing and if you're still safe and healthy. Because I know I can be a little bit stress sometimes, eat something unhealthy and so on, i don't know if that will affect you so much... 

 And I just feel bored and tired now. I don't have energy to talk or do anything I like. I also don't feel like being with anyone now, even your dad. For some reason I can be so irritated when he just keeps talking with me. It feels like he doesn't care if I want to hear it or to talk about it. I feel like my emotion is ignored. But then I don't bother either. As long as I could be alone now. 

 Thank you lilla rumpa for at least being with me all the time.

[lillarumpa]

26.02.2017

I always consider myself a lucky person on this earth, because I was born as a normal child. I'm healthy and smart and have a family, a house to live in. I don't really have anything to complain and am always grateful for that. But sometimes, I'm sad too because of some minor problems in my family, like both my mom and dad. I love both my mom and dad but for some reason, I can't be really close with them. I've always dreamt that i could, but even now I'm still not that close enough to them as I would want. Especially my dad. I kind of envy all of my friends who are close to their dads like friends, as if they are alliances in the family. When they get in trouble they turn to their dads, and they would talk to each other through it, but I could never ever do that to my dad. Since I was small i have always realized that my dad is not the kind of a father-child material. For him having children is only a responsibility or something like a human natural routine, not something that he ever wanted, like he was desperate to have children and would devote his life completely to them. He's not like that. Even though I could still remember there were times when he played with me and took me to the bookstore and bought me stuff, which I always appreciated and could never forget, these are rare, and probably just because he was in a good mood or something. Things like that were never becoming a routine. And then I was growing up, dreaming of a future, where I would meet someone I fall in love with, and that person will have a better bonding with my children. I think your dad is like that lilla rumpa, at least i know he will be better than my dad at that. But sometimes I'm also confused too, like if he's actually ready for it. He's having a lot to do right now, and if i understand him correctly, he is not the person who can focus on several things at the same time, so he has not shown really much devotion to this. Even though I know he's happy and excited just like I am... I really want to tell him how much I care about you and our little family in the furure, also my wishes and ideal for parenting. Everytime I see some dads our there cuddling with their babies, talking to them like a friend, joking and laughing with them, my heart truly melts down. I mean, that's something I've always wanted in my life as a kid, but never got it, so of course I want my kids would receive that love and have a better bonding with their parents than I do, right? I think it's just something that's understandable. So lilla rumpa, I, or we will try our best to make it happen. We will try to become good parents, and your most trusted friends. And I hope that your dad will think the same too! Love you lots, Mamma

[lillarumpa]

18.02.2017

My dear little butt,

I hope that you are not so sad today because I’ve been crying so much since last night. I know it's my fault not to be able to control it, but you know, I was both scared of and worried about your dad.

He was so happy yesterday. He has been studying so hard this semester, and got two grades of distinction. He's also been secured a job at Sommarland this summer. He told me that this week couldn't be any better. And he invited his classmates to come here last night. He had been so excited about this all week. This was the first time he had had friends coming over. There was a lot of things to celebrate: our new apartment, you, the upcoming wedding, their school stuff and his summer job. I could imagine how happy he was. A lot of good things has come since the beginning of this year. Of course he had the reason to celebrate. 

But then he got really drunk last night. Probably he was too happy. 

In the beginning, I was still very happy that I could meet his friends finally at our place, I was not with them the whole time but we did talk to each other a little bit, and they even said to me that I was a great person, and were impressed with my swedish. They also told me about how your dad was before he met me and things like that, so of course I felt good that they were here and we could get to know more about each other.

But things started to get worse when I started to hear them speaking louder and louder in the kitchen, plus the music they played. Your dad was even smashing his hand so hard onto the table, shouting and laughing louder. And he was seemingly not so aware of the time, and my existence in the room anymore. I went out to the kitchen a couple of times to check out if he was still ok, but he hardly saw me. His friends even had to tell me that he was already drunk. I started to get really worried, and went back to the room. I didn’t want to embarrass him by telling his friends to leave, or telling him to stop drinking, but that feeling that I had while waiting for them to stop inside just freaked me out. For some moments I was even thinking if he was concerned about my existence here, and that I am pregnant, that I couldn’t stand the noise and stay up this late (it was about 1 a.m at the time). I was just crying so much and was so scared if anything might happen to both him and me afterwards. But I still couldn’t have the courage to tell them to stop the fun. That would be so embarrassing, and they would think that I’m such an annoying bitch.

The later part was even worse. They finally left maybe around 2 a.m. And then I went out to check on your dad and saw that he could barely walk properly to the bedroom. He went to the bathroom and tried to throw up but it didn't come out, so he went back to bed and I helped him lie down. I couldn’t sleep last night at all. My nausea started to strike me because of the smell the breathed out. I was up and looking on internet if there was anything I could do to take care of him in this situation, and many said that I shouldn't leave him sleep alone, because he might get a choke while sleeping (since he hadn't vomited yet). So I had to lay my eyes on him the whole night to see if he was still breathing properly, or if he needed help to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I was so scared and worried. The night had never been so long for me like that. 

And then I was trying to sit down at the desk, took a deep breath and encouraged myself not to be so emotional, mad or disappointed. I know how much he was taking care of me when I got drunk on my birthday. I could understand that feeling, that you đidn't want to be left alone and wasted. That night he was still sleeping with me, took me to the bathroom several times, helped me to throw up as much as I could, without complaining a word. Of course I know there was no point in getting mad at him, it’s just not right. 

But I am still worried. I know he has handled situation like this before. But I have never done this in my whole life. I saw people drunk and shit their pants, but I have never ever had to deal with it, like taking care of them and living with them. My dad drinks sometimes and he got high, but he’s never been drunk until he’s completely idle. So I was very scared and confused. I really want to do something to help but I was so helpless, and then the smell from him just made me sick. 

So I decided to text his brother to seek for help, because I really didn't know what I could do. He told me to stay calm, and gave your dad lots and lots of water, which I did. But he hasn't eaten anything today, so I'm still very worried. 

Sometimes when I feel so helpless, I couldn’t do anything but get panic and cry. I have cried a lot since yesterday, and still don't know when he will wake up and feel better. I’m happy that he was happy. But this really has gone further than I could imagine. I don’t know if this will affect you so much in the future, because I feel like I really go mental when things like this happen. I just hope that your dad will be better soon and that we can sit down and talk about this. I truly don’t want to experience this a second time.

[lillarumpa]

17.02.2017

Hej lilla rumpa!

This is me, carrying you at week 14. As you can see that my tummy still looks a bit small, but it's not completely flat. It’s swelling a little bit now, I can already feel it.

I don’t know how much I will transform in the next months, or until the last days before labor. But I heard so many horror stories that pregnancy will make women so ugly, and they will look so different :(

But it’s ok lilla rumpa. As long as you are strong and healthy and growing up day by day, I don’t mind getting older and uglier :) I’m still luckier than many other moms out there, especially those in Vietnam, my homeland, who have to suffer a lot with irritation caused by tropical climate, or polluted environment. The food they eat is also not as safe as what I have here. So I’m still very grateful for this!

I really can’t wait till summer you know. My mom will come here and help me out :) I’m still thinking about a name for you. We will wait until we know your gender and we will decide.

I just want to say that I love you very much!! Kiss you!

Mamma.

[lillarumpa]

15.02.2017

Dear lilla rumpa!!

It's 14 weeks now, which means that I've passed the first trimester and now am entering the second part of the journey. What can I say now! I'm happy and of course, very proud of you. You have been together with me for 3 months, and had to see me suffering mood swing, a lot of morning sickness and fatigue. I believe that you would be an empathetic human being in the future, because you could understand how hard it was for me, wouldn't you? :)

Getting over the first trimester also means that I’m now feeling a little bit better now. Even though sometimes nausea still strikes me, it doesn't feel as bad as before, and I'm used to it, so I feel completely fine. Your dad also seems to be better now too, because he doesn't have to hear me whining so much anymore. And he's working hard, for all of us. I'm also very proud of him.

We have decided that we would get married next month at the city hall, you know :) This will be a present for you, lilla rumpa. We will get married because we love each other so much, we want to tie the knot between us so we can live and grow old together. And you are the fruit of our relationship. 

Next month, when we go to Östra Sjukhuset for the next ultrasound, they said that I would probably know if you are a boy or a girl. I'm so excited! Although it doesn’t matter so much to me, ‘cause I will still love you whichever you are, I'm still so curious xD We want to look for a name for you as soon as possible, so we can call you with a name, not lilla rumpa anymore :P 

I know you didn’t choose to be born, but I believe that you did choose us, as your guardians. And there must be a reason, right? So we will try our best to be your parents, and will always protect you no matter what. You will become a good and kind human being, I believe. 

We love you lilla rumpa, see you soon in a month! Lots of kisses.

Mamma

[lillarumpa]

20.01.2017

Omg, finally we could meet you and see you little butt!! Both mama and papa were so happy to see you thanks to the ultrasound technology and the lovely midwife at the hospital! You can’t understand how moved I was at that time when I saw your first gestures, your heart beating and your light bump in my tummy, you were super super cute sweetheart!! Of course we will still have to find out more later on to see if you are healthy and everything is normal to you, but knowing that you are alive in here, developing and moving, I literally feel so happy and excited. I can't wait seeing you more and more often in the future!!

Till next time we meet, please be healthy and do good in here, I will try my best to take good care of both you and me, and so when you come out you will be the happiest and healthiest baby ever. I've started to read a lot of books to understand more about you little human, and they are really really good, I’ve learned a lot too! I love you so much little butt! Lots of love and kisses to you <3

[lillarumpa]

06.01.2017

Dear little butt, How are you doing down there? Are you still doing fine and growing? I do hope that you'll be fine because I've been a little bit unhealthy these days... 

 I'm just so sick and tired you know? I've been waking up several times every night since the pregnancy, and to be honest that makes me exhausted. I have a very bad habit: When i got exhausted and tired and sick, I can be irritated by anything, even your dad. I'm irritated by the fact that he really can't feel what I feel, he doesn't have to suffer what I suffer, and I'm irritated that he could be there playing video games and I'm here struggling by myself. And then I just keep being so emotional, I feel so lonely sometimes, I feel that no one can understand me, and my mom is not here... 

 I know I'm a spoiled child to my mom, I always turn to her whenever I feel sick, I complain to her everything that I'm not so happy about, I cry to her whenever I'm in pain, and she will always be there for me, taking care of me and encourage me no matter what. But now I'm here all by myself, I have to take care of myself, bearing the pain by myself and cannot share with her how I feel when I'm becoming a mom. Sometimes I just feel so weak and small, when my mom is not around. 

 I really wish I could make your dad understand this. This is also his first time to be a father, so I think it will take time. But I also feel bad for him that he will have to work hard twice as usual, in order to take care of all of us. So maybe I should stop crying now and be stronger. Because being emotional is not good and that will affect you a lot in the future. I don't want you to be emotional like me, little butt. Don't be. 

 I love you so much and can't wait seeing how you are doing next week. Good night sweetheart!