lilolelil-blog

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“Honest, raw, real communication changes everything. Get it out. Unburden yourself. Say what you feel.‬” —Audrey Kitching “How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.” —Unknown Artwork by Instagram.com/myriamtillson

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“There are two different stories in horror: internal and external. In external horror films, the evil comes from the outside, the other tribe, this thing in the darkness that we don't understand. Internal is the human heart.” — John Carpenter Photography by Joshua Hoffine

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“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark.” — Unknown Artwork by Unknown

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“The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it.” — Hunter S. Thompson Artwork by Unknown

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“Memory is not an instrument for exploring the past but its theatre. It is the medium of past experience, as the ground is the medium in which dead cities lie interred.” — Walter Benjamin Artwork by Unknown

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“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.” — Edvard Munch Artwork by Unknown

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"Sometimes you don’t get closure. You just move on." —Unknown #ThingsItTakesAWhileToUnderstand Artwork by Nicole Rifkin

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"Self-sabotage is knowing exactly what you need to do to improve but not doing it. It’s procrastinating doing the very things that you know will make you happier. It’s waiting till things are 100% perfect till you do them, but that of course never happens. It’s remaining in the comfort zone because of the fear of failure or uneasiness of change. It’s a mindset that you may be completely unaware of until you really think about it. So think about it. Are you a prisoner of your own thoughts? If you are, take responsibility and acknowledge you put yourself into that prison. But know that you have the power to free yourself." — Unknown Artwork by coniaii

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"It’s easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you are enough." — Daniell Koepke Artwork by Becky Glendining

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Friday, 7/6/18 9:42PM

I think it’s at times like these where I realize how alone I am. Watching them have their own life, their own conversations, their own jokes and their own schedule together. I don’t think it’s jealousy, I don’t know though, I just feel that I don’t have a place in their life anymore. I don’t care that they’re together I don’t care about any of that, I care that I don’t seem to really exist when I’m with them. And the way he talks to me, it’s always putting me down and making me feel less of myself and again, my place in their life. I’m sitting here on their couch writing this, and I don’t know what to do, I never know what to do with them because it’s always about them. I can’t recall anytime in the past 6 months when my thoughts and feelings were considered. And maybe I’m just being completely oblivious and biased but I don’t know. I never fucking know. And the fact that it’s always a minuscule thing that sets me off and puts me in this mood that I’m in right now is so unbelievably unhealthy. But I don’t know what to do, I have no one except my family. The past week without Alex has been hard. I don’t have an unbiased outlet to go and hang out with anymore. I don’t know where my place is but it’s not here. I’ve said I don’t know a lot in this paragraph, but I feel like deep down I do know. I know this isn’t what’s best for me, I know I can’t fix what’s shattered, I know I don’t have anything. Why am I clinging to this so hard. I’ll figure out how to turn off someday. I’m sick of being a human.

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"As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself." — Haruki Murakami Artwork by Carolina Rodríguez Fuenmayor

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Sunday, 7/1/18 1:17AM

I find it’s a hollow feeling when you realize people’s lives would be better without you in it, and your life better without them. But how do you separate yourself from people, how do you put all the memories, and years into a shoebox that sits in the back of your closet collecting dust? It’s difficult to erase yourself from the pages of people’s lives. I think I’d adjust after a certain time but what about the people I left behind? Would they miss me? I don’t know what kind of question that is, time has a way of filling in the holes where people used to be. I don’t find that being alone is hard, it’s the loneliness that causes you to find yourself stuck in a glutinous, self perpetuating cycle of doom. It was funny, I saw a quote that perfectly described my default reaction, I think I’m gonna quote it here for reference:

“Giving false hope to anyone who likes you so you can maintain an emotional distance and protect yourself from being hurt while you shut yourself off from people who genuinely care about you but you’re too afraid to settle and have unrealistic expectations and worry you might not meet the person of your dreams because of your own self sabotaging philosophy.”

Now, this I think, is referring to more romantic/intimate/feeling relationships, which I also relate to but I also feel parts of this with friends. I don’t feel like I have let anyone into my life for a very long time and it’s more than just trust issues, I can’t really describe the anxiety and regret I feel even when I simply vent to someone about a trivial topic, and it’s even worse when it’s a personal topic. I read something interesting the other day, it was a short summary from this book ‘One, No One and One Hundred Thousand Novel by Luigi Pirandello’ and the gist of it was a guy who believed everyone he has ever met has this constructed version of himself from their own perspective and no one really knows who he is, not even himself. I really resonate with what that book is about, I feel like I wear so many different masks and so many different personalities. I honestly think I have mutiple personality disorder and I also believe I am bipolar. I don’t know what to do with this information, I’m always scared to actually go in and get something tested, as they say ignorance is bliss, I believe I live that phrase in more ways than one.

Ah well, this made me breathe better.

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Friday, 6/29/18 12:37PM

Hmm, there are days like yesterday when I feel better, when the day isn’t so heavy and I can laugh and dance. It was easy. Last night something bothered me though, and it’s something that I will have to swallow, like every other conflict with this person, because my voice does not matter in any situation involving these individuals. I just wish I was important enough to either them, not important I guess, but I’m sick of my feelings and opinions always taking a backseat.

I can’t even recall if I helped pay for the setup but the reason I’m upset is because when we got that setup it was for us, for our future adventures, to create a home away from home. I guess what can I expect from people that share their lives so closely. I just wish you’d respect me enough to ask, and it really hurts my feelings how you act like I crucified you every time you feel like I wronged you, but over the course of the past three years of our friendship, I have held my tongue more times then I’ve spoken my truth and that fucking sucks dude, no wonder I don’t open up to you or feel comfortable sharing my day. You just don’t care. And I know you’ll dispute that, but there’s so many things you never take into account when it’s apparently a “team” thing. You’re always so selfish. Both of you. I have never met more selfish people in my life. I really wish you two would move away already so you can be gone. I’m so exhausted from trying to keep up with the semantics of our friendships.

And now today, with the news that I might have to give up an event or my job, again, I’m a mess. Again dealing with a person’s selfish agenda, and yes my agenda is also selfish but I dotted my I’s and crossed my T’s and it’s fucking bullshit I’m being put in this position again. I know I can’t have it all but I’ve tried damn hard to make it work. I don’t know how this is gonna turn out but I can’t imagine any outcomes are gonna be that good. I can never win with him. I’m just at a loss. I wish I could express more but I can’t.

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Wednesday, 6/27/18 2:27PM

This isn’t a new feeling, the emptiness, depression, and negativity have been apart of my sych for as long as I can remember, but it’s feeling different now. I am so insanely unentertained by everything, I feel like I see right through any task or timeline or adventure and it all seems to lead to a pointless end. The question “why am I doing this” always seems to linger in the back of my mind with no real answer. None of my actions ever take into account what’s best for me or what would make me happy. I feel like I’m always putting myself up on this untouchable ledge, above everybody else, hoping they will notice how shiny and seamless I am, allowing people to only admire from a distance. I don’t exactly ever know how to explain how I feel but I just know I am empty and alone, for God’s sake, I’m using an internet blogging website to express my feelings because I won’t allow myself to be open with people, I won’t allow myself to give people that power over me. Alas, I won’t linger on the fact that I’m blogging rather than talking with someone, because this outlet is helping, and is reminding me to be accountable.

I just wish I didn’t have to get up everyday and do the same goddamn thing and see the same goddamn people. It’s always been a dream of mine to disappear and start over, edit my whole life and never look back. It’d be so easy to do, so stupidly easy. I could never do that to my mom though.. will revisit idea in 30 years.