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1/27/17 3:03 AM
so michael stopped talking to me on dec 29th and didnt talk to me again til january 10th and there was no explanation. i confronted him about him being weird on our date that day then...radio silence. then he hmu asking what i was doing the next day i told him i had work but we could hang after then again..nothing. getting dumped like that hurts but it feels worse without having a reason. i was really torn up about the whole thing every since i got back laurence and i hung out twice. his sex game is so strong hes everything i wanted in a physical partner, definitely best sex ive ever had by far. but the emotional just isnt there anymore. we dont go out on dates we dont do couple things...am i only a hookup?? i dont know what to do about it. every time i ask Laurence if we are good he says yes but his actions tell me otherwise. maybe this is why luke came in my life, so that laurence and i would call things off theres just something about luke that i cant put my finger on its just one of those deep rooted feelings like i really felt a spark with him i really felt like we were supposed to end up together yano?
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1/27/17 2:23AM
so much has happened since the last time I wrote but I'm not gonna talk about that right now I'm going to talk about what happened tonight. let me set up with the fact i found out luke was in my atmospheric science class, i came into the class late and found and empty chair and in a small window of people to my left i saw luke and i knew it was him. I kept going back and forth on if i should text him or if thatd be weird... but after class i texted him and sure enough i was right. He surprised me by telling me to sit beside him next class so of course i was lowkey excited and made sure i looked extra cute on monday. we caught up and laughed and joked around like nothing had ever happened and sit together everyday. I couldnt believe we actually had a class together i never thought id see him again so on to today, it started when laurence texted me around 5 asking if he could come by after lab which i said ok but only before nine because i was eating and seeing a movie with tristan. laurence said he couldnt, he would get out around 10, and seeing me after the movie wouldve just been to late at night to hang so i was upset but i said whatever and ate with tristan. as soon as we get to the movie like literally as soon as we walk up a girl puts a sold out sign on the window. so we play pool in the sub til it gets closed and i walk home. i swear to you not 5 minutes after i sit on my bed and take out my phone maura rushes in the room and says hey! we are all going to wild west right this second and im only here to change into a dress super wicked fast so you can come with if you want but you literally just have to throw a dress on too, no time to do make up the group is down stairs waiting. i mentally debate it for half a second and say you know what? hell yeah lets go. we get to wild west and i look over and who is it? fucking luke is right there looking at me and comes up and hugs me. keep in mind the whole time we are on the way i cant stop thinking about how the LAST and only time i came here was with him...i was so excited to see him i was like omg how are we both here again?! he said idk the last time ive been here was with you. So i was like well we have to get a dance for old times sake and he practically threw his beers down so we could dance right then. we have 2 dances and we are laughing and talking and i was so giddy like my cheeks were hurting. even after we went our seperate ways to talk to friends we kept looking at each other across the room it was like a movie. i just couldnt stop thinking about how CRAZY that shit was like we both never go to wild west and both just HAPPENED to go. I just HAPPENED to get back and catch maura in the 5 minutes she was in the room which wouldnt have happened if the movie hadnt been sold out...i just honestly and whole heartedly believe this was fate or god or something in the universe bringing us together and i wont ignore it.
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12/01/16 2:17 PM
Ive started seeing another guy lol thats almost how all these entries start. His name is Laurence hes 22 and has a steady job here and still goes to the university he has a nice house and a great sense of humor. The physical chemistry is off the charts he really knows how to take care of me. Im not sure if i really like him emotionally yet. Hes hard to put my finger on. He doesnt seem like the relationship type yet he does all these little sweet things i wouldnt think he would do. Hes been in 2 really long relationships. Hes very attentive and caring we have been hanging out and spending the night together a couple nights a week. Hes the only person i can actually fall asleep next to and actually sleep through the night which is nice. He has a great body and an even greater ass😂 but idk where im going with this my life is just one big melting pot right now and i dont really have a handle on it. I dont know what to do about mike. I have such incredible feelings for this guy i think about him all the time and i just wish i was always with him. I dont know how hes feeing or what he wants from me. We got to have sex when i came back for break which was nice but i want him emotionally i want him to confide in me and talk to me about his feelings. I tell myself that i could drop everyone im talking to for michael in an instant but could i really? I would be so bored here without these random guys coming in and out of my life. I need human interaction I need physical touch. I have more affection for him than i know what to do with and i feel like its not the same with him. then again mike and i are so different and express our thoughts in different ways. Just being in the same room makes me so happy and i just want to stay in that moment forever. Also i never knew what it felt like to miss someone even when they are sitting right infront of you. I want it all of mike and everything that comes with it.
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11/13/16 12:26 PM
Luke called things off and Im really upset about it. I just thought things were going to work with him. I only knew him for a month and everything just happened so fast. I feel like im in the same place i was sophmore year, talking to so many guys and one right after another. I feel like im so scared of being unaccepted by people that I use the approval of men to make me feel better. Guys are easier to read to me i can tell easily if they want me. My personality is so crazy and immature sometime with the swearing and constant joking and teasing that gets annoying so i use my sexuality as a way to make up for my obnoxiousness. As long as they think Im hot then im okay which shouldnt be the case because i care a lot about guys liking me for who i am and not just trying to get me in bed. All this bullshit is spinning in my head and i dont know what to do. I might go see one of the therapists on campus or something..
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11/11/16 8:44PM
I met another guy, well 2 both from Tinder. I was sick of all my emotional thoughts revolving around someone thats unavailable and 5 hours away. I will definitely see him when i come home i cant deny the feelings i still have for him but i just needed something new and fun. Thats when I met Luke. Hes 5'9 and has the prettiest blue eyes and a personality of someone you just want to hug infinitely. He was the first guy on tinder to actually offer to take me on a date and the procautions i usually take to meeting someone from an online site didnt seem so neccassary. We just had a connection right off the bat and his chilvary and genuine character was so refreshing and surprising i just couldnt get enough. I hadnt felt this immediate connection in a very long time. When we hang out it just feels comfortable I know I freak him out already with my overly outgoing personality and i try to rein it in but Im also conflicted because I shouldnt have to hide who I am. I want to be all of me all the time and find some who accepts that.
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11/05/16 8:43 PM
Michael dropped from houston because of his mental and physical health. I am really worried about him, I want to help him and drag him out of this rut to make him realize what a beautiful and caring person he is, but this cloud of self hatred and misery just wont go away. He wont talk to anyone he just bottles everything up and I know one day he's just going to explode. He doesn't deserve this.
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10/24/16 8:04PM
Michael and I finally got to spend the night at the hotel together. It was like our own little apartment. We drank whiskey and danced to our playlist we made then held each other laying on the couch. I tried coke for the first time and i don't know if it was the drugs the liquor or the lingerie but I felt so sexy and so in tuned with my body. I felt so good. We fucked then smoked cigarettes off the balcony shirtless and talked about friends and family for half an hour or so. The world just seems to stop spinning with him.
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