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We Are One: by Dustin Myers

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Jennie & Simon

”I wake up every morning, with a heart beating so hard and fast that my whole body is shivering. Adrenaline is pumping through my veins. My body is shaking. My hands are shaking. I’m out of breath. Tears are streaming down my face. Agony. The agony coming from the fact that my little brother is dead for real. It’s true. This fucking nightmare is true.”

This is what my friend Jennie Hultgren wrote on her personal blog two months after her brother Simon, only 14 years old, committed suicide. With slightly more than 800 daily readers online, she ripped her chest wide open and poured her heart out in words, telling stories that most people keep to themselves. On that blog, she shared her darkest inner thoughts about the nightmare that would forever change her life.

I first met Jennie in High School, and unexpectedly went through what some people would call a massive ”friend crush”. Since the first second we started talking to each other we’ve been laughing constantly, and the truth is, we still haven’t stopped. We have been best friends ever since.

On March 29th 2009, me and my sister went to the house of Jennie and Simon. The four of us celebrated Earth Hour and saw our chance to use the lit down rooms to play some hide and seek. The evening was peaceful, yet incredibly noisy and filled with laughter and happiness. Imagine four teenagers competing in jump-scarying each other while their parents are downstairs trying to have a calm dinner with lit candles. For one evening, I think we all felt a bit like children again.

The following morning Jennie didn’t show up at school. Minutes after I arrived to class I received a phonecall from my mother explaining why, and the reason was something I couldn’t shake nor take in. Jennie had lost her little brother. Simon wasn’t alive anymore. The rest of the day consisted of absolute chaos. It was as if the entire city was smothered by the lingering morning fog. It felt like time had stopped. By the time I was on the phone with my mother, Jennie’s childhood home rapidly filled up with police officers, ambulance staff and people specialized with handling situations of crisis. They were all running in and out of Simons room in a high pace, and in the middle of all the chaos sits Jennie, shakily ripping a napkin into a hundred tiny pieces while tears stream down her face.

The upcoming months, which normally would consist of hard studies and exams, callously got replaced by a hollow darkness that was impossible to shake off. My sister and I moved in with Jennie and her family for two months. This gave our relationship a whole new depth that none of us had experienced before. Since those days, we have been sisters.

As the childhood home of Jennie and Simon filled up with flowers and condolences, the sun made sure to send a reminder that spring was on its way by making the sparkling snow melt. The trees slowly turned green and people walking outside were surrounded by daffodils and birds chirping peacefully. To anyone else, it was just like any other spring. In August 2009 Jennie wrote on her blog:

”We have three photographs in the house that we’re okey with being around. It hurts seeing him. It hurts seeing my own little brother. It’s painful, because it’s so close. His face. So close. His facial expressions. His smile. It’s Simon. Why is he not here? Our cat is scratching the door to his room at night. She wants to reach something I’m also missing. Something I’m missing so tremendously that I cannot take opening that door anymore. Untouched, sacred. I love you Simon, you are my heart.”

Jennie, her mother and stepfather were given pills in order to sleep. However this sleep always came with terrible nightmares. Nightmares that made it impossible for Jennie to cope with daily routines and studying. Two months later she showed up at school for the first time after Simon passing away, to try and go back to something that she found herself not caring for anymore.

Every year, the number of people committing suicide in Sweden is five times higher than people with traffic related deaths. Suicide is the number one cause of death amongst people aged 15-24. Yet, the government spends millions on improving road safety and nearly nothing on preventing suicide. Before Simon passing away, Jennie’s knowledge about suicide was small to non-existent. Considering the statistics, one would think that one of the most vital priorities in schools across Sweden would be to inform teenagers about mental health, depression and suicide. However, talking openly about suicide today is still very taboo. This is something that dawned heavily on Jennie and her family after losing Simon.

”Everytime I mention Simon, people freeze and change the subject, and I have to fake that I’m happy and pretend that oh, you know what, no problem! I see how people look at me as if I’m about to burst out in tears every single time. ’Simon liked that, Simon used that, Simon did that, Simon said that’. It’s not like those things aren’t true anymore just because he’s dead? I’m never going to stop talking about Simon. For me he’ll always be here no matter what happens.”

In our final year before graduation, we were having a ten minute presentation which could be about literally anything. With that creative freedom just thrown at us, people talked about pets, sports, anecdotes or anything else that’s less significant. Jennie on the other hand, calmly walked up in front of the class and outshined us all by talking openly about that one thing people were terrified of asking her about, bringing up statistics and how one can prevent depression and suicide thoughts. For those ten minutes, we had our fullest attention on her, united in a respectful silence.

Jennie is one of the very few people I know who’s actually talking about suicide. Before knowing her, I knew very little about it, as did any other teenager in my surrounding. The lack of help in Sweden for young people suffering from suicidal thoughts, makes the mental health system unsustainable and corrupt. Corrupt to the extent that very few know how to get help when having suicidal thoughts. In the meantime, there are websites available with explicit step-by-step guides in how to take your own life. There is information about different ways to go, where to get the equipment needed and what drugs or substances you could use. These websites are easily accessible to anyone googling the word ’suicide’. There is no age limit to read what’s on there. If it wasn’t for one of these websites, Simon could have still been alive.

With hundreds of people sending their deepest love in letters, condolences, flowers and messages, a very small number actually showed up at Jennie’s door. Those who used to be really close, took distance from the family when they needed compassion and intimacy the most. For Jennie, who was already filled to the brim with sorrow, this struck her immensely hard.

”My advice to all of you who are close to someone who’s lost a family member, mother, father, brother or sister, is to just be there for them. It’s not enough just saying that ’I’m here for you’. When you’re in the darkest place you don’t have any energy to contact anyone. You have to contact them, and respect them even though they might not even show any appreciation for you being there, because they just don’t have the energy for it. Listen to what they have to say and what they feel, and never ever claim that you know exactly what it feels like if you haven’t been through the exact same thing. Show them that you’re aware that you’ll never understand. If you’ve lost a family member yourself it can well be relieving to know that you’re not alone, it helped me.”

In the summer of 2015, Jennie’s mother Pia got married with her newfound love. The outdoor wedding took place in an almost fairytale-like forest with a sunset that coloured the entire sky pink. People were dancing, singing, mingling and having fun, the food was lovely. The happiness and love was so contageous that even the most skeptical person could get inspired. When Jennie held her speech in front of the bride and groom, she once again, talked about what no one else had the courage to bring up. ”There is someone that should have been here with us today”, she said, hands slightly shaking when reading from her notes. At the end of that speech, everyone at that ceremony was crying.

During our friendship Jennie has, in multiple different ways, showed her surrounding that Simon will never really be gone for real, that he is still alive in our hearts. Just because he is not here physically, he hasn’t stopped existing. Photos of a young, beautiful boy with messy hair, dimples and bright blue eyes decorate her blog, and on his grave, right next to the school he used to go to, there is always a candle lit.

”It’s hard to keep going after a tragedy like this. To live but not have the energy to exist. The thought of taking my own life has struck me countless of times, but Simon showed me what death really means. I would never make anyone go through what I’m going through every day. Today I know I can survive everything. So instead of saying that I would die for my little brother, I’m gonna live. I live for you Simon. I live for you.”