liremonrecit

[liremonrecit]

only once in a lifetime type of love or love only once in a lifetime?

I stumbled upon this movie today, salah satu comfort movie yang secara konsisten berada dalam daftar film favorit selama bertahun-tahun. sejak kecil. i love this movie so much, i feel like if i can only listen to the audio, i can still tell you which scene is it and what clothing did the character wear. long story short, my procrastinating self chose to watch it (again) today. Mungkin untuk menunda mengerjakan yang lebih urgent namun memusingkan, mungkin pula sebagai bentuk pelarian dari rasa tidak nyaman akan tugas yang tak bisa diprediksi. akhirnya, film ini kembali sukses memberikan rasa nyaman karena familiaritasnya yang tak tertandingi. Kembali pula berhasil membuat haru hingga tangis berjatuhan di pipi. Film ini, utamanya scene ini, juga berhasil membuat resah hati. Belum bisa tidur sampai saat ini. i've been watching this movie, religiously, for at least once a year. and in every stages of life, i see this movie differently. i come from a different perspective each year, with some brand new realization, brand new understanding. and of course, bigger crush with SRK lol. and as happy as i am with this little 'journey' that i have with the movie, tonight, this scene stuck inside my head like never before. it scratches a different part in my brain and i am quiet frustrated. "in this life, we live once, die once, get married once, and love once" i mean yeah, we only live once, die once. but we've all seen some people who got married more than once in their lifetime. we've seen some who fell in love twice, thrice, and more too. i mean even in the movie, we saw SRK got remarried when he realized he fell in love with his best friend. so a person had more than one chance to fall in love, right? or maybe... what SRK said was right? selama menonton tadi, pertanyaan itu terus bercokol di kepala sampai saat ini. begitu mengganggu. apakah dalam hidup, kita hanya jatuh cinta sekali? apakah pengalaman merasakan jantung yang berdebar, bahagia yang membuncah, pikiran yang dipenuhi sebuah nama, melakukan hal-hal bodoh, lantas merasakan lega yang luar biasa setelah menatap senyumnya, apakah itu semua hanya datang satu kali seumur hidup kita? sebagian dari diri ini berkata, ya, ia hanya datang satu kali seumur hidup. keyakinan ini berdiri atas pengalaman diri sendiri, dimana cinta yang seperti itu pernah hadir dan berlalu pergi bertahun yang lalu. cinta itu usai atas upaya yang besar, tamat pasca kedewasaan serta percakapan yang terus terang, dan resmi padam disiram jarak yang dingin, waktu yang beku. dia kehabisan kesempatan dan dengan sendirinya layu. setelahnya, cinta yang seperti itu tidak pernah datang lagi. namun kemudian, sebagian lain dari diri yang kian bertambah usia ini kemudian bertanya, apa benar yang seperti itu cinta? hati yang berdebar bertanya-tanya, rasa penasaran yang tak ada tepinya, siang yang dihabiskan memikirkan obrolan semalam dan malam yang enggan beranjak siang demi mendengar suaranya, apakah semua itu adalah cinta? apakah beberapa lembar surat, pesan, dan senyum yang merekah usai bertukar pandang itu benar cinta? untuk usia dan fase hidup di saat itu, mungkin iya. ilusi-ilusi tersebut dapat dengan mudah dimaknakan sebagai cinta.

namun kini di usia dan fase kehidupan di saat ini, deskripsi sederhana dalam film di atas mungkin ada benarnya; love is friendship. as simple as that.

so idk maybe... maybe the companion are supposed to be light-hearted, warm, and clear as a day, rather than mysterious. it's supposed to be pure, fun, and respectful. and as high as you get, you know you still have some room for your brain to work, rather than being fully infatuated.

love based on friendship would probably stand strong, for it based on loyalty, and comes from mutual empathy. it's supposed to be super transparent that you don't have to wonder, because the answer is there in all their words and their actions.

it is a love that comes from reciprocal adoration where you feel seen, heard, and loved simply for being yourself. it is sincere, coming from deep down your heart. you don't have to wait and see because they share the same excitement, just as big, if not bigger than yours.

maybe THAT is the kind of love that we should be running after around this year and age.

maybe our definiton of love actually evolves, grows alongside, and adapt with us.

maybe at the end of the day, we shouldn't focus on the amount of chances to love that we've got, and focus more on the kind of love that we're letting in. we can fell once or more in a lifetime, but is it the once in a lifetime type of love?

you know the answer.

anyway, proses penulisan ini berlangsung dengan tujuan mengurai kusutnya pikiran dan sebagai upaya menjawab hadirnya berbagai pertanyaan. semua terasa lebih jernih sekarang. makaseiring dengan usainya paragraf ini, simpulan serta jawaban telah bulat diperoleh. sampai jumpa pada pergumulan lainnya yang entah kapan. sampai saat itu tiba, semoga bahagia senantiasa meliputi!

Love, T🫶🏼

[liremonrecit]

Day 7 : Favorite Movie

As someone who spends her leisure time watching movies, I hate this question. What’s your favourite movie? Ugh, like I can choose

I grew up having a Mom who's a movie junkie so everything I watched earlier in my life, I watched with her.

Now if you ask me about my favorite genre tho, it’ll be comedy, family, romcom, musical, historical, drama, political, psychology, and animation. I enjoy sci-fi and action too sometimes, depends on my mood. But you know, I always have this idea that movie is a way for me to escape and relax. It’s where I could feel happy and touched and all these good feeling, so I prefer something light and entertaining.

My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997) is the first title that popped up in my head. I love everything about that movie; the casts, the story, the ‘I Send a Little Prayer’ jamming, everything. The Before Trilogy, I love that too. It’s just them conversing but it feels like I’m the part of it too. I’m there. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) would be my favourite one from Bollywood industry, I’ve got a long long reason on why I love this movie so much but I’m just gonna stop there.

The Skeleton Twins (2014) and Wonder (2017) would be my favorite family/drama movies along with Coco (2017) in the animation department. Oh, and talking about animation, I love Zootopia (2016) , Sing! (2016) , and every movie that ever came out from Studio Ghibli . My favorite historical/biopic movies would probably be The King’s Speech (2010) and Bohemian Rhapsody (2018). Oh, I love love love Little Women (2019) and Pride & Prejudice (2005) too! ugh, see I’ve got plenty!

Any movies with Tom Hanks, I’m in. The recent one, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019) is really touching I love it so much, his portrayal works 100% for me. Um… with actress I think Julia Roberts is my favorite. Oh, Emily Blunt too.

Oh my, I forget to mention my favorite Indonesian movie! Hm… Laskar Pelangi (2008) would be the one. It took me sometimes to get over that one. With actor, anything with Reza Rahadian I’ll be willing to watch. Imperfect (2019) would be my recent favorite movie. Come think of it again, haven’t watched Indonesian movie for a while.

Anyway, I think that’s all. I’m gonna go back here when I remember some more title. What about you? What’s your fav?

[liremonrecit]

Day 6 : Single & Happy

Wow this one topic right here feels like it’s made for me, customized. I mean how did they know that the people who take this challenge are single? Are they assuming? Or day 6 is basically the day when everyone can write anything about being single and happy despite their relationship status? Anyway, here’s my perspective.

Status hubungan dan kebahagiaan tidaklah bersinggungan. Maksudku, memiliki pasangan tidaklah menjamin kamu akan terus berbahagia. Pun juga jika tidak memiliki pasangan, bukan berarti kamu akan terus merasakan lara. Semua orang, apapun status hubungannya, punya kesempatan yang sama untuk merasa bahagia maupun kurang bahagia. Semuanya tergantung pada bagaimana kita merespon status hubungan itu sendiri, juga pada bagaimana kita menghadapi tantangan yang ada pada tiap-tiap kondisi.

Mungkin, maksud dari dibuatnya topik ini adalah bagaimana kita orang-orang yang sendirian merayakan kesepian tanpa merasa tertinggal dari kawan yang sudah punya pasangan. Juga bagaimana kita-kita yang sendirian tetap percaya diri tanpa merasa minder karena tidak kunjung punya sandaran. Well, as a 23 y.o woman who have been single for years, let me tell you this.

I’m happy. I mean there are days when I’m all alone and start to overthink things like what’s wrong with me? am I an alien? am I too nerdy? is there something that I could fix or do for someone to like me enough he’ll call me girlfriend? Did I do something really wrong in my past life? etc etc.

But you know what? At times like that, the one who could pick and hype me up is also me. Myself, no one else. I should be the one who’ll be there for me. I should be the one who understand me best. I should be the one who stand up for myself and tell me that I am enough. It’s not my fault. There are room for improvement in my dating skills perhaps, so all I gotta do is learn and just try. I need to put myself into the world, be more present, carry myself with confidence and the feeling of gratitude. Be unapologetic about being me. And I’ll be happy.

That’s around the time when I realized that happiness, the feel that you are enough, and your esteem, are not defined by your relationship status. I mean some friends of mine who’s in a relationship still struggle with the feeling of unhappy and not enough too. And why is that you ask? Perhaps because the only one who can make us happy is ourselves. How we react to things. Our perspective of everything.

Buatku pribadi, meskipun terkadang masih suka sedih dan kepikiran, aku selalu berusaha menenangkan diri dengan berpikir bahwa mungkin ini adalah waktu yang diberikan untuk aku memahami diriku sendiri, sayang sama diri sendiri, waktu untuk melakukan hal-hal yang aku sukai, untuk mengejar impian, untuk aktualisasi diri. Agar nanti, ketika bertemu dengan orangnya, aku sudah selesai dengan pergumulan diri. Sudah siap bersama orang yang juga sudah merasa cukup dengan dirinya sendiri. I mean this might sounds like a tall wish, but idk everything happens for a reason right?

Maybe this is the time for me to enjoy my life with my loved ones before I meet the one. This is the time for me to learn that happiness is there as long as I try to reach them out. Bukan, bukan orang lain yang mengusahakan bahagiaku. Aku sendiri.

Jadi kalau pertanyaannya apakah dengan status single kita masih bisa bahagia? Tentu saja bisa. So let's held our head high and see that there’s more than a boyfriend/girlfriend thing out there that could make us happy. We’re young, there’s a lot of great things we can do. Live in the now. Go out with your friends, keep in touch with every member of your family. Relax, the time will eventually come. And it’ll be at the right time.

[liremonrecit]

Day 4 : Places i want to visit

Places? Okay, as a person who enjoy strolling around new places, let’s talk dream places. And just to give you some heads up here, Makkah al-Mukarramah and Madina al-Munawwarah is like my ultimate dream places to visit. I really wish i could be there someday, either it’s Hajj or Umrah. Or maybe both?? But since it has more special and spiritual purpose I don’t think I would explain more of that here. The paragraphs below are gonna tell you about some other places.

So the first place I reaaaally want to visit is none other than Switzerland! I mean to ride Bernina Express with all those view? The snow festival at Grindelwald? Walking along with the people in the Village of Zermatt, seeing the Matterhorn so near? To explore St. Moritz with the mirror-like lakes, jagged peaks, alpine forests, and oodles of sunshine? The Ruinaulta? The Rhine Falls? Or simply walking through the street of Zurich or Bern (maybe get lost a little), seeing historical landmark there? Sign me up!!!

The second one is Netherlands. I’ve been dreaming about this place since I was 16. Read some novels that took place in Amsterdam and Leiden. Watched some movies too, with the cities; Rotterdam, Den Haag, and Utrecht. Ugh I even dreamed of getting my master there when I was in college.

I always admire the beauty of Europe with the buildings and the streets in general. I mean if you ask me, I want to visit the UK, French, Spain, Belgium, Greece, Austria, and some other countries/cities too.

What? You asking me is there any country in Asia I want to visit? To be honest… other than Republic of Türkiye (which technically is not just Asia), I'm not sure. And that surprised me too, because you know… I've been a Kpop fan for the longest time so Korea should be on the list, right? But no, I’m not like… obsessed about going to South Korea? Never was, never will. I mean it would be reaaally nice if I have the opportunity yes, but if you give me the ticket to Switzerland or Netherlands??? Oh I would be hysterical lol.

O and of course I’ve got some cities in Indonesia I want to visit!

Pertama dan utama, Sumatera Barat. Aku bermimpi kesana sejak lama. Ke Ngarai Sianok dan Danau Maninjau, juga air terjun Lambah Anai, jam Gadang, dan landmarkmenarik lainnya di Sumatera Barat. Tempat lain yang ingin aku kunjungi sebenarnya adalah kota apapun di Indonesia. Maksudku, aku pribadi berpikir bahwa setiap tempat di Indonesia layak dikunjungi. Rasanya seperti mengunjungi tempat saudara sendiri saja. Melihat langsung budaya, tradisi, bahasa daerah, makanan khas, upacara adat, kebiasaan-kebiasaan, peninggalan bersejarah, kekayaan alam, serta segala perbedaan-perbedaan yang mengagumkan.

Bagaimana denganmu? Tempat apa yang paling ingin kau kunjungi?

[liremonrecit]

Day 3 : A Memory

It was 2 am. The rain that put me to sleep has stopped. I’m a sleepyhead so it’s actually a rare moment to see me waking up that early. It was my mama. And my brother. They’ve been trying to wake me up since 1.30 but I was so sleepy I thought them shaking my shoulder is just a part of my dream. I even shrug their hands. Little did I know, I’m gonna regret that stupid shrug for the rest of my life.

When I finally open my eyes, mama and Agil were standing in the corner of my bedroom, behind closed doors. They’re whispering, looking so gloom, and worried, and anxious. So I asked what happened, why are we up this early.

“Oma udah nggak ada.”

That words literally stunned me up I sat down at once. There are tons of questions coming through my head. Then why are you guys here? Who’s there with Oma? What happened? I mean she’s not in her best condition, but she was alright before I go to sleep? Did she passed away when Mama was asleep? Or not? Why now? Why from all of the day, it is today? How…

But I didn’t say anything. I can’t. I just sat there, in the edge of my bed. Looking at mama whispering the details of what happened to Agil who apparently, woke up at 1.30.

“Adek udah coba bangunin kakak dari tadi pas Oma masih ada, tapi kakak malah ngibas-ngibasin tangan. Susah banget sih. Padahal tadi…”

Yes, even at time like this, my brother still got his chance to blame me. Making me feel worse. He never knew that I didn’t listen to all those unnecessary words. At all. I got lost in my thoughts. Trying to recall the moment before I go to sleep last night, one scene at a time. Did I go to see Oma on her bed? What did I do? What did I say? Did she sees me? Did she notice my presence? Did she feels loved? Did she… did she knows that I love her? She knows, right? She doesn’t needs reassurance, right? She leaves peacefully, right?

And before I know, there I am standing in the doorway of Mama’s bedroom where Oma was laying. Two of my uncles were there too, sitting down in silence. Oma’s face was pale, so pale. It looks as if she’s just sleeping, so peaceful.

No one really cried, mama sobs but she pulled herself together, so I tried my best too. That’s our promise to Oma, she made us promise that we will not cry when her time comes. We have to arrange her funeral and all, my mama is her only daughter now so she gonna be busy. There’s no time for crying.

Well, we broke our promise that very day. Afterall, we’re human too. Mama and all her siblings cried after we did Shubuh prayer together. My uncle, the imam, were leading the prayer. And when he recite the prayer :  صَغِيْرَاوَارْحَمْهُمَاكَمَارَبَّيَانِيْ وَلِوَالِدَيَّ اغْفِرْلِيْ اَللّهُمَّ , his voice trembles, his face went red, and tears slowly falling down his face. And so all his older brothers, his sister (mama), me and my cousins, we started crying. It was at that time we all knew, we just lost the glue to this family.

Days after that, somehow I felt empty. It’s like I’m functioning but I can’t feel anything. I tried to figured out some ways to cope, but nothing actually worked. I can’t even look at Mama’s bedroom where my Oma spent her last days. I used to get dressed there every morning, preparing myself to go to work with her watching me. Smiling. And now that room’s empty. It’s strange. Losing your loved ones so suddenly is one of the saddest, strangest moment ever. They’re not there physically but you can still feel their presence sometimes. You can even hear their voice, there in your head. The memories of them linger to your mind just like this, as i am typing this.

Then i start questioning myself. Like, whoever the next person is, am I ready? What if I’m the next? What if my time is literally tomorrow? Or… the day after tomorrow? I mean we never know, right? What should I do to prepare myself? I still don’t have any legacy to pass on, let alone inheritance. I don’t even know if I’m doing well my whole life! All I could leave to my loved ones is memories.

But is that good enough memories? Are those memories worth to be cherished? Will my loved ones remember me even when I’m not with them anymore? What about you, will you?

[liremonrecit]

Day 2 : Things that makes me happy

These, are the things that makes me happy. Things that in a blink of an eye, could repair the damage any bad day just made. Things that makes me smile again. Things that you might consider giving or showing me when I’m not in the mood. The first aid kit. This is literally the cheat sheet for anyone who wants to ‘made my day’. Read it slowly and carefully because I’m gonna tell you just this once.

A funny-unharmful video on the internet. A joke, the witty one. A warm beverage. A bar of chocolate. A poet. A good poet. A heartwarming video that could restore humanity. A long hug. A unique word. A sincere and detailed compliment. A big smile from your face. A blanket. A good song cover. A studio ghibli movie. Or a cheesy romcom movie. Or that series Modern Family. A good massage. An all-out, long sunday shower. A night sky view. A sunflower. A warm food after a long day. A Bruno Mars song. A bag of salty popcorn and a can of coke. A forehead kiss. A new song that actually sounds good. A fun bantering. A cute kids and/or elders video. A meaningful thing that remind us about a moment we shared together. A story with a good ending. A calming voice.

The quality time I share with my loved ones. The moment someone look me in the eyes, telling me their story with all their heart, wanting to be heard. The moment a tiny little hand of a toddler touched mine. The time I spend alone walking through some city or street I’ve never been before. The moment someone include me in the conversation when I’ve been left out for a while. The hurtful feeling from a movie and then realizing it’s just a movie, it’s not real. The moment of finding out new thing, new realization. That feeling when someone remember some random fact about me. The time I spend laughing, and laughing, and laughing out loud. The me time I do by running errands in some random department store. The moment I spend dancing carelessly in my room. The connection I had with the people I’m talking to. The feeling of reading the story I write a long time ago and see how far I’ve come. The moment I look at the mirror whilst thinking that I’m enough.

The wind blowing through the window in a night ride. The smell of a baby. The taste of tea or bitter coffee when I got headache. The sound of the rain pouring hard outside. The touch of my mom’s hand. The smell and warmth inside a bakery. The smell and cold feeling inside a cinema. The sound of my laptop’s keyboard when I’m typing. The hand of someone touching/patting my head. The lyrics of a song that super relatable. The pictures of my loved ones that I capture. The smell of Lavender or Mint. The notification sound from a friend who wants to talk. The color beige, and cream, and all the shades of brown and pink. The sound of music from afar. The smell of papers coming from a new book. The old movie. The old pictures of me with my favourite people. The sound of children’s innocent laugh. The relieved feeling of letting go. The heart of mine getting so excited it beats so fast. The feeling of just being there surrounded by people.

And those, are the things that could make me happy. What’s yours?

[liremonrecit]

Day 1 : My personality

I swear to God this is like the hardest part to start with. I mean… we gonna start a challenge by talking about me? My personality? lol okay let’s get this over with and see if we’re off to a good start.

But first let me put the definition of personality itself because I’m a freaking 23 years old, a bachelor of Psychology, and we always start the discussion of things (formally) by defining definition. The basic, the foundation of things.

Personality at its most basic, is the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that make a person unique. It is believed that personality arises from within the individual and remains fairly consistent throughout life. So to sum it up, in this post I’m gonna talk about the things that make me ‘unique’.

Karena bingung harus mulai darimana, biar aku bagikan beberapa hasil tes kepribadian populer yang pernah aku ikuti. FYI, these kind of tests weren’t actually designed and used in Psychology for it’s not reliable and valid. But anyway, I’m neither an extrovert nor introvert. I’m an ambivert.

Kalau berdasarkan tes MBTI, I’m an ENFJ (The Protagonist/The Giver). Sedangkan berdasarkan tes Enneagram i’m a 2w1 (The Companion). Apa lagi ya... oh, kalau berdasarkan kuis sorting hat Pottermore I’m a Hufflepuff. Yup, can you see the pattern there? Nah kalau berdasarkan penanggalan bintang-gemintang di langit (it’s not really a test lol), I’m a Virgo Sun, Leo Moon, and Leo Rising. Apapun itu artinya hahaha.

So based on all those information above, ‘the pattern’ that I’m talking about is my tendency of willing to help people. Some people said that I care too much. It’s true. Some others said that i’m such a people pleaser. um, probably true. Tipe yang sulit menolak, yang tidak enakan, yang mau meletakkan semua pekerjaan ketika ada yang memerlukan bantuan atau sekadar ingin didengarkan. And maybe that’s why Psychology fits me. I care too much.

I also have this believe that healthy communication is the key for a good relationship. Makanya setiap ada yang minta saran dalam hal hubungan, aku selalu menjadikan komunikasi, diobrolin, sebagai saran nomor satu. Dan omong-omong soal komunikasi, some people told me that I’m pretty good at that. And by ‘that’, I mean both talking and listening.

Secara talking aku kan memang cerewet ya hihi dan ekspresif dan suka tutur yang terstruktur. Kalau dikombinasikan jadilah pengungkapan yang apa adanya tapi juga efektif. Secara listening.. i’m still learning and trying each and everyday, untuk tidak hanya mendengarkan karena ingin tahu duduk persoalannya tapi juga perasaan lawan bicaraku, bagaimana perspektifnya, dan (ini yang susah) apa-apa yang dia katakan dengan tidak mengatakan apa-apa. Doakan aku bisa jadi a better listener yak! And good luck to every single one of you too.

Hmm… apa lagi ya, aku sebutkan secara random dan singkat saja, ya? Aku orang yang sensitif, tidak tegaan, mudah tersentuh, juga mudah sekali dibuat tertawa. Saat dikuasai rasa marah, aku memilih diam demi menghindari kata-kata yang menyakiti hati. Aku bukan tipe orang yang kompetitif but will give my all if I have to. Benci sekali dengan ketidakadilan. I don’t consider myself as a great talented leader, i’m more into the advisor, orang di belakang pemimpin yang memberi masukan. I express myself and speak my mind as it is, tidak suka dualitas makna dalam perkataan maupun perbuatan. I love explanation, i believe everything and everyone have their own story and explanation. I also love to learn new things, tapi masih belajar membesarkan hati to try new things (sesimpel menu di restoran atau style berpakaian). I enjoy being with my people and/or meeting someone new, but would also appreciate the time I spent alone (such an ambivert lol).

Ok i don’t think i got more things to say. How is it? Anyway, i hope that with this one we’re off to a good start, yeay! Can’t wait to see you on day 2!

*p.s: the picture above is from Pinterest. I saw it and think that it’s super relatable. And literally, the title is ENFJ’s moodboard lol what a coincidence